As you may know it is so very hard to talk about the pain of betrayal. It is hard for both partners but for different reasons. Putting our feelings into words that make sense is part of the challenge. Well no fear! We get that started for you here in this episode. We dive into some of the things the unfaithful partner very often feels, and wishes they could put into words, but often struggles to do. Let us know if you have something you'd like to add!
Ep 2: Why won't they stop the affair? What is Limerence?
Ep 3: Why Do We Fight or Avoid Talking About The Affair?
In the negative cycle we each play a part in perpetuating and maintaining it. When we encounter our feelings the action tendencies we decide to take are how we maintain the cycle. So when I said that we feel hurt (primary), so we show anger (secondary), then we DO SOMETHING to try and take care of it, solve it, and bring ourselves and our relationship back to homeostasis. This is the part we play. There are four types of interactions within the cycle or four ‘parts’.
Ep 7: Why Do Some People Never Really Get Over Infidelity, Communicate So Poorly, Avoid, or Fight, & Never Get To The Truth?
Transcript:
Brad: Let me just give you a little recap. Five types of negative cycles--I only want to focus on three of these. One is a complex cycle that usually involves someone who's survived some of trauma. And then the other cycle is when one person gets burned out, usually the one that has been pushing for things gets burned out.
And so, I'll explain that in a second. The three most basic types are the pursuer-distancer cycle--distancing is commonly known as withdrawing and so this is the most common cycle where you have a demanding spouse interacting with a withdrawing or distancing partner. And that pattern, the distancing or stonewalling position is shut down, non-responsive spouse.
And when they experience that, it's often a feeling of panic or aggression or anger where the pursuer says I'm going to make you respond to me. That's what the pursuer really want, is they want to get a response and sometimes when they don't get it, they force it. They want closeness and to feel important and needed.