We all know marriage is rough sometimes. Lots of highs and lots of lows.
Sometimes we may wonder if we made too many mistakes or maybe we shouldn’t be together.
We often hear people say “my partner needs to work on themselves before we work on our relationship”. They need to fix themselves before we can fix us.
This is the magic question, right?
How do I get my partner to open up and be honest? Another word for honest is vulnerable….AND how do I open up and be vulnerable too?
It’s a pretty complex question because every relationship is different. Every person is different.
That’s why we spend so much time helping couples do this in our Complete Healing Broken Trust Program.
But there is one thing you can do right now to break out of the rut and get your spouse talking and sharing their heart with you.
Ask yourself 2 questions:
Do I critique my partner?
Do I express gratitude?
We’ve talked about it in many different settings in our couples work.
We’re often met with the response but “I’m trying to help” or “it’s constructive criticism”.
But alas, all criticism damages the relationship.
Even if you’re trying to help your spouse it still sends a message of disapproval and can cause a partner to feel not good enough in your eyes.
When I think of this next part I always think of the “Hour of Power”…but in my head it sounds super silly.
We call it an “Attitude of Gratitude” and it’s one major key to mental health and life satisfaction.
But it’s also a huge key to marital satisfaction as well.
A little while ago we started a tradition of the bean jar.
It’s where we try to catch our little kids doing something kind or caring for someone else.
Every time we saw them doing something kind they would get a hand full of beans in their jar.
And when the jar is full the beans magically turn into jelly beans (or some treat or something fun).
We mostly do this around Lent and Easter to help the kids focus on good and kind deeds.
But it’s a huge motivator for them. They want to do good. They want to find ways to be more helpful and kind.
The underlying nature doesn’t change as we age.
If your spouse hears how grateful you are for their help and for them…they will want to do more of that for you.
It softens them towards you. And when that happens….
As I wrote that I thought to myself “voila” the culmination of everything is complete…
Ha! We all know it’s much more complicated than that.
But that is a start.
Cut out any criticism and start finding ways to express gratitude.
It will help you in all aspects of life.
Just ask Brad Robinson, LMFT. Brad is a marriage therapist who has worked with couples and families for more than 16 years, and has personally experienced betrayal in past relationships:
"I wanted to become the marriage counselor I wish my parents had after they completely lost hope after my dad was unfaithful. I knew that what led my dad to stray could become a generational problem and I had to stop that. When I discovered what couples really need when healing broken trust I knew I had to share it with as many people as possible.”
Brad collaborated with his wife Morgan to create The Healing Broken Trust WorkshopTM, a specialized program that guides you through the chaos of healing individually and as a couple after infidelity has been discovered.
Listen to the personal stories shared throughout this program and you will realize that you are not alone. The HBT Workshop helps you:
Create fail-proof strategies with easy-to-use workbook
Prepare for painful triggers with your spouse
Work effectively to end the affair(s) and heal once and for all
Develop realistic hopes and expectations for your relationship using Brad’s exclusive methods
...and more.
The HBT Workshop is just one of our award-winning couples programs included with The Complete Healing Broken Trust Package.
THE COMPLETE HEALING BROKEN TRUST PACKAGE
One low price gets you full online access to ALL of the following programs:
The Healing Communication Master Class
The Strong One’s Master Class
90 Days to Affair Recovery Plan
Two Partners, One Path Support Group
Healing Hurts Lifeline Sessions with Brad
Healing Hurts Quick Start Guide
Get your online access today for only $2,500, a fraction of the cost of divorce.
Add a 1-on-1 session with Brad at checkout and schedule your first coaching phone call today.
★★★★★
Best time in our marriage - Deb S
“Finally we’re on the right path. We were so lost and didn’t think we would make it much longer. I was really worried that this was going to be a replay of the podcast or material we’ve already heard. It was far far from that! I learned so much about my spouse during the workshop. I was afraid he would ask for a divorce. But instead he took my hand and told me what was really on his heart. I am so glad that we decided to come to the workshop and now we have a roadmap to follow and realistic homework for when we get home.”
★★★★★
I finally understand my partner’s struggles - Liz
"It is very isolating trying to keep our problems to ourselves and away from prying family and “friends”. When you’re at home you hear your spouse tell you things. They tell you what they want but you just don’t hear it. It helps a lot to hear from other couples and people who are in similar situations. I can understand my spouse so much better now just listening to other people’s situations. I also don’t feel so alone. I finally feel like we have hope.”
★★★★★
Thank you for my life back - Allie
"I have been trying different books and programs for our relationship for over 14 months now and I wish we had just started here from the beginning. We spent so much on marriage counseling that didn’t make a lick of difference. In fact, I spent more on useless junk than on this program. Brad really understands how to help couples heal and I feel like we finally have hope for our future. Thank you Brad and Morgan for our life back!”
★★★★★
The future is bright - James R.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! After I learned how to deal with the underlying problems Brad walks us through in the workshop I no longer had issues with the triggers I had before. My wife can look at her phone without me loosing my crap.”
★★★★★
Not an AA meeting - Stella
"I was so worried this was going to be a ‘roast the betrayer’ type situation. It wasn’t anything like that. Brad is so gentle and caring in his approach. We both felt cared about and heard through the entire workshop. I never felt rushed or pushed into sharing anything I didn’t want to share. I never felt put on the spot or shamed in any way. He walked us through the difficult conversations and we truly feel the best we’ve ever felt. We are truly grateful!”
★★★★
We had to do it together - C.H.
"My husband is a sex addict and I thought addiction counseling was really what we needed to move past the hurt. Kind of the old thought “if he fixes his issues we’ll be fixed and can move on”. But it turned out he can’t fix us…WE have to fix us. Yes, he needs addiction help but once the dust settled the hurts and old injuries bubbled to the surface. I am so glad we decided to do this program in addition to addiction counseling. It made all the difference in our relationship.”
★★★★
Understanding why was big - George
“I learned so many new things at this workshop. I learned why my wife did what she did. We were able to come away with clear direction and that gives me hope.”
So Brad and I have 3 small kids.
Our youngest, Aaron, is now 18 months old and this week he decided to start walking!!
If you have ever taught a little kid to walk you might know how scared and nervous they are taking those first few steps.
And sometimes they cry and cling to you before you even understand what’s going on.
One of the coolest parts about our HBT Program is the weekly group meetings.
On Monday, 13 couples met to talk about where they are on their healing journey and to encourage and support each other.
So many neat and wonderful things happen in these meetings.
The group discussed pages from our HBT workshop book that everyone gets when they join and someone came up with the coolest formula to describe what brings about healing…
Our son Luke was born with a condition that required two surgeries on his feet, leg casts, and special immobilizing shoes all before he was four years old.
When we went for his second surgery we didn’t realize that we would have to choose whether they would give him calming medication or for us to stay with him as they put him to sleep.
So we chose the calming medicine thinking that would be better for him.
As they wheeled him back into the surgical suite Brad and I tried so hard to keep it together. It was the hardest thing to see our little 2 year old leaving us for such a big thing.
There’s always this little place in your mind that wonders if he’ll wake up from anesthesia….
“I'm afraid of what he'll say. I'm afraid to hurt him, but I just can't have that fear anymore. You know, I know that that's what he needs to heal and I heard it over and over on your podcast and it's, I just didn't quite understand it like, but now I do. And I think we're doing pretty good today. I would say, yes, we, you know, we still have work to do. And, but I feel like we're in a place where we're, it's a little more encouraging. We're not feeling as defeated…
