What happens when your children shut you out after an affair, and nothing you do seems to help?
In this live conversation, we talk about one of the hardest parts of affair recovery: repairing your relationship with your teenagers or adult children. Many parents assume that if their kids don’t respond, it means they’ve already lost them. Shame tells you, “They don’t want you anymore.” But that isn’t always the truth.
We share a powerful story of a parent who realized that infidelity wasn’t just a betrayal of a spouse, it was also a wake-up call about showing up as a father. When his kids refused to meet with him and offered no reassurance, he chose one simple, consistent action: writing them a short note every week.
At first, the kids assumed it wouldn’t last. There was no gratitude. No feedback. No sign it mattered. But he kept going, week after week, writing honest apologies, naming their strengths, and reminding them they mattered. Thirty-six weeks later, one of his children finally told him those notes meant the world to her.
In this video, we discuss:
Why shame convinces parents to give up too soon
How consistency builds safety when trust is broken
What to say to teens and adult children when you don’t know what they want to hear
Why simple words like “I believe in you” can matter more than grand gestures
How repair often works silently before it becomes visible
If you’re a parent trying to reconnect with your children after infidelity, this conversation is for you. Healing takes time, but your presence still matters more than you think.
For deeper support and guided healing, learn more about our workshops at healingbrokentrust.com
A. The Wake-Up Call After Infidelity
The unfaithful parent realized the affair wasn’t just a marital failure, it was also a failure of presence as a parent.
This wasn’t about guilt or self-punishment, but about ownership.
He recognized that repair with his children mattered as much as repair with his spouse.
B. The Wall of Silence From Kids
The children initially believed:
“He’s only doing this to get back into our good graces.”
“This won’t last.”They showed no encouragement, no gratitude, no reassurance.
This is where most parents stop, because shame gets loud.
C. Shame vs. Reality
Shame tells parents:
They don’t want you.
You’ve already lost them.
Anything you do now is pointless or manipulative.
The truth: Children can still love you deeply even when they can’t trust you yet.
Parents often underestimate how important they still are to their kids.
D. The Practice: Weekly Notes
The parent asked:
“How do I show up when they won’t meet with me?”His answer: consistent, handwritten notes, every week.
Not grand gestures. Not speeches. Just a steady presence.
Content included:
Simple affirmations (“I believe in you.” “I’m proud of you.”)
Naming specific strengths he saw in his son
Affirming beauty and worth to his daughters
Apologies without defensiveness
Gratitude for who they are
He even looked up ways to affirm adult children when he didn’t know what to say.
E. The Long Game of Repair
For 36 weeks, there was no sign it mattered.
Then one child finally said:
“Dad, those notes mean the world to me.”Repair didn’t come on the parent’s timeline.
But consistency built safety, and safety made connection possible.
When writing a note to an estranged son or daughter after an affair, the focus should be on expressing sincere remorse, taking full responsibility, validating their feelings, and offering a path to future communication on their terms.
Key Suggestions for the Note
Take Full Responsibility: Clearly state that the affair was your mistake and yours alone. Avoid making excuses, blaming the other parent, or minimizing the hurt you caused.
Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings: Recognize that their anger, sadness, confusion, and feelings of betrayal are normal and understandable. Use phrases like, "It makes sense that you're feeling betrayed right now".
Express Genuine Apology and Remorse: Simply saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough; you must show genuine regret for the tremendous pain you have caused. Words may seem meaningless initially, but they are a necessary start.
Reassure Them of Your Love: Emphasize that your love and commitment to them are unwavering, regardless of the situation or their current feelings toward you.
Keep Details Age-Appropriate and Limited: Your child does not need to know intimate details of the affair. If they ask questions, be honest in a general way (e.g., "I had a series of affairs during that time") but offer to answer questions in a way that creates safety, not more anxiety.
Respect Their Boundaries and Pace: Acknowledge their need for space and time. Let them know you will be there when they are ready to talk and that they can set the pace for healing.
Offer a Path Forward: Suggest ways you can work toward rebuilding the relationship, but in a non-pressuring way. You can suggest family therapy or individual therapy as a safe space to process emotions.
What to Avoid
Defensiveness: Do not try to defend your actions or explain away the affair in the note.
Blaming the Other Parent: Refrain from speaking poorly about your child's other parent.
Expecting Immediate Forgiveness: Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent, trustworthy actions; patience is key.
Making Promises You Can't Keep: Only promise what you can consistently deliver.
Key Suggestions for Your Note
Be the bigger person: The parent should take the initiative.
Acknowledge their feelings: Show empathy and validate their emotions, even if you don't fully understand their perspective.
Use "I" statements: Focus on your feelings and actions rather than blaming them. For example: "I felt sad when..." instead of "You made me feel...".
Take responsibility: Offer a sincere apology for any mistakes or hurts you have caused, without making excuses. Be specific if possible (e.g., "I'm sorry I didn't support you when you needed me").
Avoid rehashing the past or bringing up old grievances: The goal is to move forward, not restart old arguments.
Communicate unconditional love: Remind them that your love for them never wavered, regardless of the distance.
Highlight a positive memory: Briefly share a cherished, happy memory to remind them of a time you shared a positive connection.
Respect their boundaries: Make it clear that you understand if they need space and are not ready to reconcile immediately. State that you will be available when they are ready.
Keep it brief and simple: A concise note is less overwhelming than a long, detailed letter.
By focusing on these points, you convey humility and genuine desire to repair the relationship on their terms, which is crucial for rebuilding trust over time. If you're ready to step out of the confusion and begin a path toward clarity, healing, and real connection, schedule a Discovery Call today.
Whether you're reeling from infidelity or stuck in the wreckage it left behind, this program is a guided, proven process for rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship. You don’t have to live in limbo.
Take the next step toward restoration with a Discovery Call. We’ll walk with you every step of the way.
