Transcript:
(00:01):
Hi, I am Brad Robinson, and today I'm going to talk with you about 10 things that we can do to be supportive of the betrayed spouse during the holiday season. As you may already know, navigating the holidays after infidelity can be one of the most emotionally charged in vulnerable times for couples. That is especially true for the betrayed spouse. Holidays are often packed with emotional triggers like memories, traditions, family dynamics, social obligations, and on top of all of that, there's this pressure to be joyful, to have your act together, to act like nothing's wrong in your life, that you're perfect for the unfaithful partner. This is a powerful opportunity to show up emotionally, not by fixing everything, but by being present and by being proactively supportive. I want to go over with you today 10 ways that we can navigate infidelity during the holiday season.
(01:01):
The first is start with a holiday checking conversation. This is something that you want to do before the season starts or before you go to Thanksgiving at a family member's house or before you welcome guests. You want to have a checking conversation before Christmas, before the holidays that you may celebrate, and the conversation may go something like this. The holidays are coming up and I want to make sure we approach them in a way that supports you. Are there things you're worried about that might be triggering? Is there anything you'd like to skip, change or do differently this year? Many betrayed spouses feel like they have to fake their way through traditions that may feel tainted. Asking that and giving that by being proactively supportive, you're giving them permission to rewrite the script on how things should normally go. The second way that we can turn our negative cycles into positive cycles during the holiday season is don't assume, but ask what your mate needs. Do they want you to participate in certain gatherings or not? Are there certain songs, locations, or even people that are triggering, do they want to celebrate as usual or do they want to simplify things or try something new?
(02:18):
So question that you can ask is, what would help you feel most supported this year? What can I do to make this day and this holiday season what you need it to be? What you're trying to convey is that you're making the betrayed spouse's emotional safety, the priority, not social appearances or expectations. The third thing that you can do to turn our negative cycle into a positive cycle this holiday season is offer reassurance before every event. By reassurance, I mean you're being proactively supportive versus reassurance, which is usually something you give after something bad has happened or after somebody already starts to feel bad. We want to give reassurance because that is being proactively supportive. It's letting our mate know, I'm thinking about you. You're on my mind thinking about you. You're important to me, you matter to me. So whether it's a family gathering party or traveling, something you can say before you go is, just so you know, I'll be by your side the whole time. If anything feels uncomfortable, we can step out or leave. Your comfort is more important than anything else. What this gives somebody who's been betrayed is an emotional exit plan. It also reinforces your role as their emotional ally, not someone that they have to manage, and it takes the pressure off of them to feel like they have to manage the situation.
(03:45):
The fourth thing you can do during the holiday season to turn your negative cycle into a positive cycle is to keep communication open, but not force communication so you can check in gently without interrogation. So you can ask, how are you doing right now? Where are you at from one to 10? I just want to stay tuned in so I can support you. Little questions like that make it easier for people who've been betrayed to speak up without needing to explain or justify their feelings. The fifth thing that you can do during the holiday season to turn our negative cycle into a positive cycle is make room for grief. Holidays frequently stir up sadness, anger, even numbness, even in those moments that seem happy, you can say something like, it's okay to not be okay during this season. You don't have to smile for anybody, especially not for me.
(04:42):
You can normalize the messiness by comments like that, validate their feelings, validate what they're going through, the triggers, the pain, the sadness, even the numbness, the confusion because people have been betrayed. They may not even know if we're going to have Christmas next year, Thanksgiving next year as a family, other holidays that we may celebrate as a family. Are we going to celebrate those? Are we going to have those and the more supportive we can be available, we can be sensitive, we can be, the easier it is to turn this into a positive cycle instead of a negative cycle. The sixth thing we can do to turn this into a positive cycle instead of a negative cycle is to ask something like this, is there something meaningful we can start this year just for us? Why creating new traditions together matters is that creating new rituals helps rewrite painful associations and it helps the betrayed partner feel more empowered to co-create the future.
(05:42):
The seventh way to turn our negative cycle into a positive cycle this holiday season is to stay transparent. The holidays are full of extra errands, texts, outings, and parties, which can become trigger minefields. So we want to be proactive. Something you can say to help be supportive of your betrayed partner is, here's what my schedule looks like today. If anything changes, I'll let you know right away. I don't want there to be any doubt or fear that you have. Comments like that, remove secrecy and they show consistent effort to be trustworthy without being asked. The eighth way we can turn our negative cycle into a positive cycle is we can protect the betrayed partner's boundaries with others. So if you're around friends or family who know about the betrayal or worse, maybe they were even involved, don't leave your mate to emotionally fend for themselves.
(06:39):
Something you can say to other people if needed is this isn't a time or a place for any uncomfortable questions. We're focused on healing and supporting each other. Showing loyalty to the betrayed spouse must be visible, especially in social or family settings where all dynamics are at play. The ninth thing you can do to turn negative cycles into positive cycles is to be ready for flashbacks or mood swings. You might be laughing together one minute and then suddenly the betrayed partner shuts down. That doesn't mean you've done something wrong. It might just mean a memory got triggered. Something you can say is you don't have to explain, I'm here with you. Take the time you need when you've been unfaithful. If you can be a calm presence in those moments, it helps your mate regulate their nervous system. You're showing that they don't have to be afraid.
(07:33):
You're showing that you're not afraid of their pain. The 10th thing you can do to turn your negative cycle into a positive cycle, this holiday season is end each day with reassurance. Even a 32nd moment before bed can rebuild connection. If you've been unfaithful, you can say something like, thank you for showing up today. I know it's not easy. I'm proud of how you're facing this. I'm grateful we're doing this together. Statements like that help end the day with safety and validation, which are critical for a betrayed partner who may still fall asleep, replaying old memories, may not even be sleeping all through the night, may be triggered easily by all kinds of things. So statements like that. Let them know you're there for them, that you're still there and you want to be there. It can be helpful if the person who had the affair has an attitude of unwilling to do whatever I have to do to help you get better.
(08:27):
By being emotionally supportive, by being proactive, by just being present, I'm willing to show you that I'm willing to do whatever it takes. That attitude can change everything, and these are 10 ways for people who've been unfaithful to show that attitude to the betrayed partner. I want to segue, if you'll stay with me for a few more minutes on how our program at Healing Broken Trust differs from normal marriage counseling. What we offer in our program is a clear plan versus usually what marriage counseling offers is no plan. At Healing Broken Trust, we show you exactly what to work on first, second, and third, and typically, couples therapists don't have a clear plan for these kinds of situations. Part of what we do at Healing Broken Trust is we focus on the 20% of actions that drive 80% of the results. However, most therapists are generalists.
(09:23):
They're not infidelity experts. They often treat it as equal to other issues couples face, which just retraumatizes the injury partner. What we offer is a process that is focused and fast. Many couples say they've made more progress with us in a few days than in months or even years of couples therapy. What often happens in counseling is that weekly long hour sessions with no clear structure often means couples just vent without fixing the real problems or experts in healing. Infidelity versus general help that you may get in a couple's therapist office. Unfortunately, many couples therapists just treat betrayal like a normal marriage problem, but it's not in healing. Broken trust. We've helped thousands of couples compared to other couples therapists, and normally what they try to do to help people work through it is they move them into a process of false forgiveness where they force the betrayed to forgive before they're ready, without any accountability from the person who broke trust or helping the person who broke trust to become a healer that their marriage needs.
(10:34):
And at Healing Broken Trust, we look at ourselves as the teacher with other couples, therapists being the student. We have taught therapists how to heal couples after Betrayal. They come to us to learn how to do this, so why not learn from the person who trains the people that you would go to for help, especially when your marriage is on the line. If you were dealing with a deadly form of cancer, you would want the best help you could get for yourself or your family member. Your children and your family deserve the best help you can give them. That's what we offer at Healing Broken Trust. I'll see you guys next time. Thank you.
