I once met a young woman who was just weeks away from her wedding. Despite having no concrete proof, she was convinced her fiancé was having an affair.
The stress had taken a toll—she had lost 15 pounds, hadn’t slept for two weeks, and felt so anxious that she gagged whenever she tried to eat.
The only thing alerting her to potential infidelity was an unshakable gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Overwhelmed and heartbroken, she sobbed as she shared her pain, repeating, “This wasn’t supposed to be my life.”
To make matters worse, she had been the only mother figure her fiancé’s children had ever known, and she had planned to adopt them after their wedding.
She was desperate for answers. One of the key things we discussed was the warning signs of infidelity—something that has scientific research behind it.
Researchers Todd Shackelford and David Buss have identified 79 specific behaviors grouped into 14 major categories that serve as warning signs of infidelity.
It is important to note that these signs do not automatically confirm an affair. They can also be linked to other issues such as stress, depression, or mental health struggles.
However, if multiple signs appear together, they may indicate that something is amiss in the relationship.
Here are the warning signs of an affair of any type, either emotional or physical:
1. Angry, Critical, Argumentative Toward You
Your spouse acts unusually angry with you, when you are together.
Your spouse is unusually critical of you.
Your spouse suddenly is less forgiving of you when you make mistakes.
Your spouse starts looking for reasons to start arguments with you.
2. Sexual Infidelity Is Revealed
You walk in on your spouse and another person having sex.
Your spouse tells you that they have been sexually unfaithful on you.
Another man tells him that he (the other man) has been having sex with his partner.
Friends tell you that they are having sex with another person.
3. Changes in Normal Routine and Sexual Behavior With You
Your spouse sleeps more than they used to.
Your spouse’s eating habits suddenly change.
Your spouse suddenly tries new and unusual positions when you two have sex.
Your spouse’s clothing style suddenly changes.
Your spouse suddenly begins complaining of pain in their genitals.
Your spouse has orgasms less often when you two have sex.
4. Apathetic Toward You
Your spouse doesn't share their feelings with you as often.
Your spouse more often avoids the topic of sex when talking with you.
Your spouse acts less excited than usual to see her you.
Your spouse doesn't spend as much time on there physical appearance before they see you.
Your spouse starts telling you they are too tired to have sex with you.
5. Increased Sexual Interest/Exaggerated Display of Affection Toward You
Your spouse acts more interested in having sex with you.
Your spouse is unusually upset when you don’t want to have sex with them.
Your spouse acts unusually happy when she is with her you.
Your spouse talks about sex more often when she’s with you.
Your spouse starts acting overly affectionate toward you.
Your spouse says "I love you" to her you more frequently than she used to.
6. Sexual Disinterest/Boredom With You
Your spouse suddenly has difficulty remaining sexually aroused while you are having sex.
Your spouse suddenly has difficulty becoming sexually aroused when they, and you, want to have sex.
Your spouse becomes more mechanical in the way they have sex with you--like they are just going through the motions.
Your spouse often says you’re doing something wrong when you have sex together.
When you two have sex, they want to have sex for a shorter duration than usual.
Your spouse is less sexually adventurous with you than they used to be.
You notice that they seem bored when you have sex.
7. Relationship Dissatisfaction/Loss of Love for Partner
Your mate breaks up with you to date another man
Your mate suggests to you that they should begin seeing other people.
They broke up with you.
They asked for a separation/divorce.
They start talking to you about ending the relationship.
They act nervous when you ask if they are falling in love with someone else.
Your mate has told you they don’t love you anymore.
8. Passive Rejection of You/Inconsiderateness
Your spouse is less gentle with you when you have sex.
Your spouse starts acting rudely towards you.
Your mate starts asking you if you still feel the same love for them.
Your mate has stopped saying, ”I love you.”
Your mate doesn't tell you as often that they enjoy spending time with you.
9. Reluctance to Discuss a Certain Other Person
Your spouse avoids talking about a certain other person in conversations with you.
Your spouse acts nervous when a certain person’s name comes up in conversations with you.
10. Reluctance to Spend Time With You
Your spouse doesn't want to go out on dates with you as often.
Your spouse less often invites you to spend time with their friends.
Your spouse less often invites you to spend time with their family.
11. Increased Reference to and Time Spent With Another Person
You notice that they are wearing something that belongs to another person.
They call you by another person’s name.
Friends tell you that they have seen your spouse with a certain other man or woman on several occasions.
Your spouse starts talking to you about their desire to have sex with another man or woman.
Your spouse begins spending more time with another person of the opposite sex.
12. Acting Guilty, Anxious Toward You
Your spouse is unusually apologetic towards you.
Your spouse won't look you in the eyes anymore.
Your spouse stops returning your phone calls.
Your spouse acts unusually guilty after she has sex with you.
13. Physical Signs of Sexual Infidelity/Disinterest in Sexual Exclusivity
Your spouse contracts a sexually transmitted disease that you did not have
You notice that your spouse smells like they recently had sex - although not with you.
Your spouse suddenly refuses to have sex with her you.
Your spouse tells you that they don’t want the relationship to be exclusive.
14. Emotional Disengagement From You
Your spouse starts forgetting the couple's anniversaries and other special dates.
You notice excitement in their voice when they talks about someone of the opposite sex.
Your spouse doesn't say "I love you" to you as often as they used to.
Your spouse doesn't respond anymore when you tell them that you love them.
Hope After Infidelity: Encouraging Studies
If it seems like your partner has been unfaithful, it may feel like your world is collapsing. But there is hope.
A 2005 study found that couples who worked on their marriage after an affair made faster progress than other couples working on their relationship for different reasons.
Research from UCLA and the University of Washington revealed that couples who participated in marriage enrichment programs after infidelity had just as strong marriages five years later as couples who never experienced infidelity.
You Are Not Alone
If you are facing betrayal, know that healing is possible. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Our Healing Broken Trust Workshop is designed to guide you and your partner through a proven path to healing.
This immersive experience offers expert guidance, practical tools, and a safe space to reconnect, rebuild, and restore what was broken.
Whether you’re feeling stuck in pain or unsure how to move forward, this workshop will give you the clarity and support you need to heal—together.
Don’t let the past define your future—reserve your spot today and start your journey toward lasting trust and intimacy.
References:
Shackelford, T. K., & Buss, D. M. (1997). Cues to infidelity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(10), 1034–1045.
