Relationships thrive on emotional connection, validation, and intimacy. But when those needs go unmet—especially for someone with an anxious attachment style—their longing for closeness can lead them down an unexpected and painful path.
Unlike avoidantly attached partners who cope with distance by withdrawing, anxiously attached individuals react by intensifying their efforts to connect.
When those repeated attempts fail, they may unknowingly shift their emotional energy elsewhere, making them particularly vulnerable to emotional affairs.
An emotional affair doesn’t start with the intent to betray. It begins with seeking comfort, understanding, and validation—things they feel are missing from their marriage.
And while the relationship may feel harmless at first, emotional attachment grows until, before they realize it, their loyalty, trust, and emotional intimacy have shifted away from their spouse and toward someone new.
Why an Anxiously Attached Spouse Is at Risk for an Emotional Affair
Anxiously attached spouses are wired for closeness, deep conversation, and emotional reciprocity. They feel safest when their partner is engaged, communicative, and responsive.
However, when they are in a relationship where their emotional needs are repeatedly unmet—especially in a pursuer-avoider dynamic—frustration, loneliness, and resentment can take over.
The pursuer, or anxious partner, tries harder to get their avoidant spouse to open up, but instead of feeling reassured, they feel more rejected.
The avoidant partner, overwhelmed by the emotional intensity, withdraws further—creating a cycle where the anxiously attached partner feels invisible, unheard, and emotionally abandoned.
The Research on Emotional Affairs
Studies show that the more unhappy a person is in their marriage, the deeper their emotional connection will be with an affair partner, and the less engaged they will be in their marriage once the affair ends.
This means that when a pursuer steps into an emotional affair, they aren’t simply looking for a temporary escape. They are forming a profound emotional bond with someone outside their marriage.
The deeper the disconnection at home, the stronger this new attachment becomes, making it significantly harder to return to the marriage once the affair is over.
How an Emotional Affair Unfolds for an Anxiously Attached Partner
Emotional affairs don’t happen overnight. They develop in stages, often beginning with innocent interactions that gradually deepen into intense emotional attachment.
Feeling Neglected and Emotionally Starved
The anxious partner repeatedly reaches out for connection, but their spouse remains distant or disengaged. Their attempts at affection, deep conversation, and intimacy are often met with avoidance, indifference, or frustration. They start feeling unwanted, invisible, and emotionally abandoned, leading to frustration and resentment. Over time, their emotional needs remain unmet, making them vulnerable to outside validation.
Seeking Emotional Connection Elsewhere
They don’t set out to have an affair, but they find themselves drawn to someone who listens, engages, and validates their emotions. This could be a coworker, a friend, or someone they meet through shared activities—someone who notices them in ways their spouse does not. The conversations start innocently, but over time, deeper emotional sharing happens, especially about dissatisfaction in their marriage. The new person makes them feel heard, seen, and appreciated, reinforcing the idea that this person understands them in a way their spouse never has.
Emotional Validation and Growing Attachment
The anxious partner begins to crave interactions with this person. They start looking forward to messages, lunches, or long conversations. They feel excitement and relief when engaging with them, creating a dopamine-driven emotional high that strengthens the attachment. They begin comparing their spouse unfavorably, seeing them as cold, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable. Their emotional investment shifts from their spouse to the affair partner, though they may still deny that anything inappropriate is happening.
Shifting Priorities and Justifying the Affair
The anxious partner starts prioritizing time with the affair partner over their spouse, whether through texting, calls, or meet-ups. They may downplay their spouse’s efforts to reconnect, seeing them as too little, too late. They begin romanticizing the affair partner, believing they are the person they were meant to be with. They reinterpret their marital struggles, convincing themselves that their spouse was never capable of meeting their needs.
Becoming Emotionally Dependent on the Affair Partner
The anxious partner now sees the affair partner as their primary source of comfort and validation. They may resent their spouse for not meeting their emotional needs and blame them for pushing them away. Ending the affair feels impossible because the emotional connection has become the foundation of their sense of security.
Why Emotional Affairs Feel So Addictive to the Anxiously Attached
For an anxiously attached person, emotional affairs aren’t just about excitement—they fill a core psychological need. The emotional highs of the affair offer relief from past wounds, self-doubt, and rejection. But this relief is only temporary.
The Need for Reassurance Becomes Addictive
The affair partner constantly affirms their worth, attractiveness, and importance, creating a deep sense of validation. This leads to a dependency on the affair—one that mimics the highs and lows of an anxious attachment cycle. When the affair partner pulls away, the anxious partner feels the same abandonment fears they experience in their marriage.
They Feel Alive in the Affair
The secrecy, excitement, and emotional intensity create a rush of dopamine, making the affair feel intoxicating. They may feel like they are experiencing a deep, once-in-a-lifetime love, even though it is largely fueled by emotional deprivation.
The Fantasy Feels Safer Than the Reality
They don’t see the affair partner’s flaws the way they see their spouse’s—instead, they idealize them. Because they don’t share daily responsibilities with the affair partner, they project all of their unmet emotional needs onto them. The affair becomes an escape from pain, rather than a solution to their marital struggles.
Why Ending an Emotional Affair Feels Like a Loss
When an anxiously attached partner is forced to end an emotional affair, it feels like a profound loss—almost like grieving a death.
They mourn the loss of the validation, intimacy, and connection they had with the affair partner. They feel emotionally displaced, unsure of where to turn for comfort. If their marriage remains unchanged, they may feel even more isolated than before.
This is why many struggle to fully reinvest in their marriage after an affair. The deeper the emotional connection with the affair partner, the harder it is to re-engage with their spouse.
The Path to Healing From Infidelity
If you or your partner have struggled with an emotional affair, you’re not alone. Rebuilding trust takes time, honesty, and effort, but it is possible.
Healing Broken Trust offers expert-led workshops that help couples repair emotional wounds, break toxic cycles, and restore true intimacy.
Are you struggling to just survive infidelity and betrayal? Join us for our next expert-led workshops and support. We have specific programs for couples and for those who have been unfaithful and betrayed. Click here to learn more about our couples program, click here for more about our programs for the betrayed partner, and click here for more info about our programs for unfaithful partners.
