The part of healing from an infidelity nobody tells you. If you want to really heal you have to look at the pattern you were in before the affair ever happened.

The painful irony is this: if we don’t confront the negative cycle that was already in place before the affair, we’ll be trying to heal the betrayal with the same dynamic that helped set the stage for it.

Here’s a truth we don’t talk about enough:

Many affairs don’t begin with lust. They begin with loneliness.

And the burnt out pursuer is particularly vulnerable.

Why?

If you’ve ever loved someone who pulls away when emotions run high, you know the ache of that invisible gap.

You reach for closeness, and they disappear behind silence or calm logic.

It doesn’t make sense—especially when they say they care.

But beneath that withdrawal is something you were never meant to see: fear, overwhelm, and a lifetime of learned survival.

You’ve seen it before—you just didn’t know what you were looking at.

Someone leaning in a little too hard. Asking too many questions.

Getting louder as the room gets quieter. On the surface, they might look controlling, dramatic, even aggressive.

But underneath? They’re hanging on for dear life.

The pursuer in a relationship isn’t hunting for power. They’re hunting for safety. For connection. For something steady to hold onto in a moment that feels like it could spin out of control.

And here’s the strange, cruel twist…