What You’ll Find in This Article
The Basics: What avoidant attachment style is and why closeness feels threatening.
Childhood Roots: How early caregiver interactions shape the four attachment styles.
Adult Impact: How avoidant traits like emotional distance affect relationships.
Key Signs: Spotting avoidant attachment in adults and its need for peace over connection.
Conflict & Perception: How avoidants handle disputes and how partners see them.
Love and Struggles: Their action-based love, caregiving challenges, and self-sabotage.
Infidelity Link: Why avoidant attachment drives cheating, with examples and research.
Healing Path: Practical steps, solutions, and resources to break the cycle.
Have you ever felt like someone you love keeps you at arm’s length—no matter how hard you try to get close?
Or maybe you’ve noticed yourself pulling away when relationships start feeling "too real"?
If so, you might be encountering the effects of an avoidant attachment style. Rooted in childhood experiences and carried into adulthood, this way of connecting—or disconnecting—shapes how we approach intimacy, trust, and love.
Whether you’re navigating this yourself or with a partner, understanding avoidant attachment is the first step to breaking free from its grip—and building the connection you’ve always wanted.
Why Avoidant Attachment Style Feels Safer Than Closeness
Whose lap did you crawl into when you were scared or sad? If your answer is “no one,” you might be wired for avoidant attachment style.
People with avoidant attachment style didn’t learn to rely on others. Maybe they grew up in a house where emotions weren’t exactly welcome—where seeking comfort got you eye-rolls instead of hugs.
So, they learned to take care of themselves. They decided—consciously or not—that the safest bet was self-reliance.
They don’t avoid relationships because they don’t care; they avoid them because closeness feels foreign, maybe even dangerous.
The thing is, people with avoidant attachment styles still want connection. But deep down, they believe it comes at too high a cost.
Mikulincer and Shaver (2007, Attachment in Adulthood) confirm that avoidantly attached individuals deactivate their attachment system when faced with emotional threats, prioritizing self-reliance over closeness due to early experiences of rejection or unavailability.
Their research shows this isn’t a lack of desire for connection but a learned defense against perceived vulnerability.
To discover more about how avoidant attachment style becomes an “Armor” against intimacy click here.
How Childhood Attachment Forms: The Basics
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how early interactions with caregivers influence lifelong relationship patterns.
From the moment we’re born, we rely on caregivers for survival, comfort, and emotional connection.
When parents or caregivers consistently meet a child’s needs—feeding them when hungry, soothing them when they cry, or offering comfort when they’re scared—the child begins to see the world as a safe, predictable place.
This reliability fosters secure attachment, giving the child the confidence to explore their surroundings, knowing they have a dependable base to return to.
But attachment goes beyond physical care; it hinges on emotional availability. A caregiver who is attuned to a child’s feelings—listening, validating, and responding with empathy—teaches the child that their emotions are important and that relationships can be a source of support.
This emotional bond lays the groundwork for self-worth, resilience, and trust in others, shaping how the child navigates the world.
Internal Working Model: The Mental Blueprint for Relationships
Through these early interactions, children develop what psychologists call an internal working model—an unconscious set of beliefs about themselves, others, and relationships.
This model influences how they expect to be treated and how they approach intimacy throughout life.
Securely attached children form a positive internal working model, believing they are lovable, others are reliable, and relationships are safe.
Anxiously attached children develop a model where love feels unpredictable—sometimes available, sometimes withdrawn—leading them to seek constant reassurance.
Avoidantly attached children construct a model where independence is the safest path. They learn that emotions are burdensome and that relying on others leads to disappointment.
Disorganized children develop a conflicted model where love and fear coexist, making relationships feel unstable and confusing.
This internal blueprint isn’t just a childhood relic—it shapes adult relationships, determining whether someone approaches intimacy with confidence, anxiety, avoidance, or a mix of all three.
Bowlby (1982, Attachment and Loss: Volume 1) introduced the internal working model, arguing that avoidant children internalize caregivers’ unresponsiveness as a signal that dependence is futile, a view supported by Fraley et al. (1998, Developmental Psychology), who found these models persist into adulthood, predicting avoidant tendencies like emotional suppression.
How Attachment Styles Take Root
A child’s attachment style emerges from their early interactions with caregivers, shaping how they view themselves and others. Here’s how the four main patterns develop:
Consistently responsive caregivers → Secure attachment. When caregivers reliably meet a child’s needs—offering food, comfort, and emotional warmth—the child learns the world is safe and people are trustworthy. They grow up confident in seeking support and building connections, viewing relationships as a source of strength.
Inconsistent caregivers → Anxious attachment. If caregivers are unpredictable—sometimes attentive, sometimes neglectful—the child becomes hyper-focused on securing love and approval. They learn to cling to others, fearing abandonment, and may feel uncertain about their worth unless constantly reassured.
Distant or rejecting caregivers → Avoidant attachment. When caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of a child’s needs, the child adapts by shutting down their emotions. They conclude that relying on others is pointless or risky, growing into self-reliant individuals who keep closeness at bay.
Neglectful or frightening caregivers → Disorganized attachment. If caregivers are a source of fear—through abuse, chaos, or severe neglect—the child faces a paradox: the person meant to provide safety is also a threat. This leaves them confused and distrustful, struggling to form a coherent way of relating to others.
These early experiences teach children what to expect from relationships.
Securely attached kids embrace connection, while those with insecure styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) develop coping mechanisms—like clinging, withdrawing, or wavering unpredictably—to navigate an unreliable or unsettling world.
Ainsworth et al. (1978, Patterns of Attachment) established through the Strange Situation experiment that distant or rejecting caregiving leads to avoidant attachment, with children suppressing emotional bids for comfort, a finding echoed by Main and Solomon (1990, Attachment & Human Development) for its developmental roots.
How Early Attachment Influences Adult Relationships
Childhood attachment leaves a lasting imprint on how we connect as adults. Those with secure attachment often enjoy trusting, balanced relationships, approaching intimacy with ease.
In contrast, individuals with insecure attachment—whether avoidant, anxious, or disorganized—may find closeness challenging, wrestling with trust, communication, or vulnerability.
For someone with Avoidant Attachment style, relationships can feel like a tug-of-war between longing for connection and fearing it.
They might dodge emotional conversations, hesitate to depend on a partner, or struggle to voice their feelings. Keeping others at a distance isn’t a lack of care—it’s a shield, built from a deep-seated belief that closeness could overwhelm or betray them.
The silver lining? Attachment styles aren’t fixed. With self-awareness, intentional effort, and sometimes support (like therapy), people can shift toward healthier patterns.
Someone with avoidant attachment style tendencies, for instance, can learn to trust, open up, and embrace intimacy.
The journey starts with recognizing these ingrained habits—and understanding where they came from.
Hazan and Shaver (1987, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) demonstrated that avoidant attachment in adults reflects childhood patterns, manifesting as discomfort with closeness and dependence, yet Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) note plasticity, showing therapy can foster secure tendencies.
How Avoidant Attachment Style Shapes Relationship Behaviors
People with avoidant attachment style have a natural desire for connection, just like everyone else—but at the same time, they feel the need to keep their distance to maintain control and independence.
It’s a constant balancing act between wanting closeness and fearing it. Deep down, they may believe that relying on someone emotionally is risky, so they push away those feelings instead of dealing with them.
To protect themselves, avoidantly attached individuals often create emotional barriers in relationships.
They may avoid deep conversations, keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, or shut down when things get too personal.
They might struggle to offer emotional support to their partner or downplay their own need for connection, convincing themselves that they don’t need anyone.
Instead of working through issues, they prefer to move on quickly or ignore problems altogether.
This pattern doesn’t just affect relationships—it also impacts how they process emotions. Since they tend to block out feelings of neediness or vulnerability, they struggle to fully process emotional experiences.
Painful memories get stored separately in their minds, making it harder for them to recognize patterns in their emotions or relationships.
They might not even realize how much their emotional distance is affecting their partner or themselves.
Over time, this avoidance can make it difficult to handle negative experiences in a healthy way.
To maintain a sense of control, they may convince themselves they are stronger and more independent than they really are—while at the same time seeing their partner’s emotional needs as excessive or weak.
This mindset can lead to resentment, trouble managing anger, and an overall fear of commitment.
If a relationship starts feeling too intense, they might start looking for reasons to leave, convincing themselves that they were never truly happy in the first place.
Because they suppress emotions rather than dealing with them, individuals with avoidant attachment style often struggle in other areas of life, such as caregiving, intimacy, and long-term commitment.
Cassidy (1994, Psychological Bulletin) found avoidant individuals suppress attachment needs, leading to emotional distancing, while Brennan et al. (1998, Personality and Social Psychology Review) link this to fear of dependence and reduced emotional processing capacity.
They avoid deep emotional involvement, making it harder for them to build secure, meaningful relationships. The good news?
Avoidant attachment style isn’t permanent—with self-awareness and effort, they can learn to navigate emotions, communicate better, and allow themselves to experience real emotional closeness.
How Avoidant Attachment Style Begins in Childhood
Avoidant attachment style develops when a child grows up in an environment where emotional connection isn’t encouraged or feels unsafe.
Instead of being taught that love and support are reliable, they learn that self-reliance is the only way to avoid pain.
Parents or caregivers who raise avoidantly attached children often prioritize toughness over emotional closeness, whether intentionally or not.
Some common experiences that shape avoidant attachment style include:
Emotional Unavailability: When a child seeks comfort, they may be ignored, brushed off, or even met with frustration. Over time, they learn that expressing feelings isn’t worth the risk.
Punishment for Vulnerability: As a small child they might hear phrases like, “Stop crying,” or “Shake it off” when they’re hurt or upset. Instead of receiving comfort, they’re taught that showing emotions leads to rejection or disapproval.
Fear-Based Discipline: Some caregivers use harsh punishment, yelling, or even physical force, making the child associate emotions with danger instead of safety.
High Expectations for Independence: Whether spoken or unspoken, these children are expected to figure things out on their own and not “burden” others with their needs.
As they grow up, these children learn to suppress their emotions, avoid deep connections, and rely only on themselves.
They may come to believe that needing others is a weakness and that emotional closeness will only lead to disappointment.
These beliefs shape their adult relationships, making intimacy and trust feel uncomfortable, even when they crave connection deep down.
Main et al. (1985, Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development) showed that emotionally unavailable or rejecting caregiving fosters avoidant attachment, with children suppressing emotions to cope, a pattern confirmed by Sroufe (2005, Attachment & Human Development).
Signs of Avoidant Attachment in Adults
People with avoidant attachment style tend to have a complicated relationship with closeness. They might enjoy companionship but struggle with deep emotional intimacy. Here are some common signs of avoidant attachment style in adults:
They keep their emotions guarded. Being vulnerable feels unnatural or unsafe, so they downplay their own feelings and dismiss the emotions of others.
They dislike depending on others. Trusting someone else to meet their needs can feel uncomfortable, and they prefer to handle things alone.
They value independence above all else. They may choose self-sufficiency over emotional connection, even if it leads to loneliness.
They struggle to express feelings. When asked how they feel, they might say, “I don’t know” or keep their emotions vague. This can frustrate their partners, who crave deeper conversations.
They avoid emotional intimacy. Even when they’re in a relationship, they may keep their partner at arm’s length, avoiding deep bonding.
They shut down during conflict. At work, they may handle disagreements logically, but in personal relationships, conflict can feel overwhelming. Instead of working through problems, they may withdraw or ignore the issue.
They need to feel in control. Avoiders feel safest when they manage their emotions and environment without depending on others.
They minimize emotions. They may tell themselves, “It’s not a big deal” or “I shouldn’t feel this way,” rather than acknowledging their feelings.
They dismiss others' emotional needs. Because they’ve trained themselves to suppress emotions, they may not understand why their partner or friends need so much emotional reassurance.
They resist commitment. Long-term relationships can feel suffocating, leading them to sabotage relationships or pull away when things get serious.
They convince themselves relationships aren’t important. To justify their emotional distance, they may believe they don’t need deep relationships and that they’re better off alone.
They have lots of casual friendships but few deep connections. They may be social and friendly but struggle with vulnerability, making their relationships feel surface-level.
They find it hard to offer emotional support. When someone they care about is upset, they may not know how to comfort them and might withdraw instead.
They fear losing their independence. Getting too emotionally entangled with someone can feel like a loss of freedom, so they push people away when they start to feel too dependent.
Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) identified these traits in their four-category model, linking avoidant attachment to discomfort with closeness and dependence, corroborated by Feeney (1999, Attachment & Human Development).
Avoidant Attachment Styles Greatest Relationship Need
Deep down an avoider wants acceptance, to know their partner isn’t trying to change them, because their greatest need is to have peace, harmony, and an absence of conflict in their relationships.
They will sacrifice connection to maintain these conditions. They won’t make major attempts to work through relationship problems, because having peace is such a priority for them.
If they are married to someone with an anxious attachment style, this is in direct opposition to their partner’s greatest need.
Anxiously attached individuals crave emotional connection and will sacrifice peace and harmony to achieve it.
This fundamental difference often results in a pursuer-distancer dynamic, where the anxious partner pushes for closeness while the avoidant attached partner withdraws to maintain emotional distance.
Don’t despair that’s something I help couples with everyday through our programs. It’s a normal treatable problem with proven solutions.
Simpson et al. (1992, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) found avoidant individuals prioritize emotional autonomy over intimacy, clashing with anxious partners’ needs, creating the pursuer-distancer dynamic. described by Johnson (2008, Hold Me Tight).
How Avoidant Attachment Styles Engage in Conflict
Avoidantly attached individuals often engage in these behaviors to maintain distance and avoid emotional intimacy, especially during conflict.
Reasoning Smoothing things over
Deflecting
Appeasing
Minimizing the problem
Counter blaming
Defending
Giving advice
Criticizing
Placating
Using humor
Withdrawing
Clamming up
Leaving the room
Dismissing
Accommodating
Numbing out
Avoiding
Doesn't ask for emotional support
Not responding Shutting down
Bottling up feelings
Yelling to shut things down
At their worst, avoid attachment styles can appear self-absorbed and narcissistic.
Li and Chan (2012, Personality and Individual Differences) documented these conflict strategies, noting withdrawal and minimization as hallmarks of avoidant attachment, often perceived as narcissistic by partners.
How the Partner of Someone with Avoidant Attachment Style Sees Them Before a Relationship Injury
Hurt feelings are a normal part of intimate relationships; however, for a relationship to remain secure, a couple must be able to repair moments when one partner feels hurt.
Those with avoidant attachment style often struggle to provide the warm, concerned caregiving that a hurt spouse typically needs.
If too many unresolved hurts accumulate, their partner may begin to see them in a different and less favorable light.
Below, I have outlined how a partner typically views someone with avoidant attachment style before hurtful experiences begin to build up in the relationship.
Individuals with avoidant attachment style are often skilled at expressing love and support through acts of service, but the challenge arises when their partner experiences a significant emotional wound.
In these moments, acts of service alone are not enough—their partner requires emotional presence, reassurance, and empathy, which avoidantly attached individuals may find difficult to provide.
Additionally, when those with avoidant attachment styles feel hurt in a relationship, they rarely communicate their pain.
Instead, they suppress their emotions, compartmentalize their feelings, and try to move on without addressing the issue.
If they do attempt to talk about their hurt and it leads to an argument, they are unlikely to continue pressing the issue.
As a result, their partner may remain unaware of the depth of their hurt, leading to unresolved emotional wounds that can create distance in the relationship over time.
At the start of a relationship, an avoidantly attached partner can seem like a breath of fresh air—steady, independent, and drama-free. Their partner may see them as:
Strong and self-sufficient. They don’t seem overly needy, which can feel refreshing, especially to someone who’s had past experiences with emotionally overwhelming partners.
Reliable and responsible. They take care of practical matters, show up when needed, and are great at handling life’s logistics.
Cool under pressure. They don’t get easily rattled, which can make them seem like a rock in times of stress.
Loyal but distant. They stick around and show commitment in their actions, but they may not verbalize their love or express emotions deeply.
Hard to connect with emotionally. Even during happy times, they may struggle with vulnerability, making it feel like there’s a wall between them and their partner.
Logical and rational. They prefer solving problems with facts rather than emotions, avoiding deep emotional discussions.
Reluctant to open up. Conversations about feelings, insecurities, or emotional needs might be dodged or brushed off.
Highly focused on work or personal interests. Their independence may sometimes look like workaholism, using tasks or hobbies as an escape from emotional connection.
At first, these traits can feel stable, refreshing, or even attractive. But over time, their partner may start to feel a growing emotional gap—wanting more closeness, connection, and reassurance that the avoidantly attached partner struggles to provide.
This misalignment in emotional needs can lead to frustration, loneliness, and eventually, deeper relationship struggles.
Feeney and Collins (2001, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) highlight avoidant individuals’ preference for practical support over emotional caregiving, often misaligning with partners’ needs post-injury.
How The Partner of an Avoidant Attachment Style Sees Them After a Relationship Injury
After a painful event—like betrayal, emotional neglect, or a major conflict—partners of those with avoidant attachment styles often feel frustrated, confused, and emotionally alone.
Instead of the comfort and reassurance they need, they may experience distance and dismissal from their avoidantly attached partner.
The avoidantly attached might:
Minimize the issue. Instead of acknowledging the emotional weight of what happened, they may act like it’s not a big deal or something that should be easily moved past.
Struggle to show remorse. Even if they feel guilty, they may not express regret in a way that feels sincere or meaningful to their partner.
Avoid vulnerability. Deep emotional conversations can be uncomfortable, so rather than offering warmth and care, they may shut down.
Move on too quickly. They often process emotions more slowly, but instead of working through them, they prefer to leave the past in the past—even when their partner is still hurting.
Resist emotional reassurance. Their discomfort with emotions can make them dismiss their partner’s need for comfort, leaving their partner feeling unheard and invalidated.
Seem cold or disengaged. When their partner needs acknowledgment and closeness, they may pull away instead, making the emotional wound even deeper.
For their partner, this can feel like emotional abandonment at the moments they need connection the most.
It's important to emphasize that individuals with an avoidant attachment style exhibit this behavior not only toward their partner's hurt feelings but also toward their own.
They tend to suppress their own pain just as they suppress emotional connection, making it difficult for either partner to address and resolve underlying issues.
Partners of those with an Avoidant Attachment Styles may describe them as:
Emotionally unavailable. They rarely open up or engage in meaningful discussions about feelings.
Hard to read. It’s difficult to tell what they’re thinking or feeling because they keep emotions locked away.
Cold or dismissive. When their partner reaches for closeness, they may shut down or reject emotional expressions.
Uncomfortable with comfort. They struggle to offer or receive reassurance, making emotional healing difficult.
Quick to withdraw. Instead of facing problems together, they retreat, leaving their partner feeling isolated.
This dynamic is especially challenging when their partner has an anxious attachment style, as the anxious person craves reassurance while the avoidant partner pulls away.
In avoidant-avoidant relationships, both people keep each other at a safe emotional distance, making true intimacy and healing nearly impossible.
Healing is possible, but it requires the avoidant partner to face their discomfort with emotions and learn to be present in moments of vulnerability—something that takes patience, effort, and self-awareness.
Muller (2010, Trauma and the Avoidant Client) notes avoidant individuals’ withdrawal post-injury exacerbates partners’ sense of abandonment, a pattern tied to suppressed emotional processing.
How those with Avoidant Attachment Styles Handle Relationship Injuries They Caused
When conflict or emotional pain happens in a relationship, avoidantly attached individuals often pull away rather than engage, aiming to minimize emotional discomfort.
They tend to see problems as isolated events rather than part of a larger pattern, which can make it difficult for their partner to feel understood or validated.
Here’s how those with avoidant attachment styles typically respond to relationship injuries they caused:
They don’t see the bigger pattern. They believe their actions are one-time mistakes they can stop anytime, while their partner sees them as part of a repeated pattern of being inconsiderate or emotionally unavailable. Often, this stems from the avoidant person making unilateral decisions without checking in on how their partner feels.
They downplay the impact of their actions. They may minimize, defend, or deny the lasting emotional hurt their partner feels, making it harder to rebuild trust.
They assume silence means forgiveness. If their partner stops bringing up the issue, they take it as a sign that it’s forgotten and forgiven—even if their partner is still struggling internally.
They think a quick apology or small gesture will fix things. A brief “I’m sorry” or doing something nice may feel like enough to them, even if their partner doesn’t feel fully heard or reassured.
They see prolonged hurt as an overreaction. If their partner is still emotional or upset after they’ve “moved on,” they may feel like their partner is being too dramatic or holding a grudge.
They want to move past it as soon as possible. Conflict makes them uncomfortable, so they try to put it behind them quickly, without working through the deeper emotional layers.
They view ongoing discussions as unnecessary or even punishing. Talking about the same issue multiple times feels exhausting or even unfair to them, even if their partner is still processing what happened.
They don’t dwell on past mistakes. Once they move on, they rarely think about the situation again, making it hard for them to relate to a partner who is still struggling with unresolved pain.
They believe their actions were justified. If they reacted in a certain way, they often assume it made sense at the time and struggle to see why it was hurtful.
They may repeat harmful behaviors without realizing it. Because they process emotions differently, they don’t always learn from past conflicts, which can lead to repeated patterns of hurt.
They feel like the victim if their partner stays upset. If their partner continues to express anger or hurt, they may start to feel blamed or unfairly attacked, rather than recognizing their role in the issue.
Why Avoidant Attachment Style Becomes a Problem in Relationships
To an avoidantly attached person, these reactions make sense—they’re simply trying to move forward and avoid unnecessary emotional discomfort.
But to their partner, this feels dismissive, invalidating, and deeply frustrating.
Their partner may feel unheard, alone in their pain, and unable to fully heal because the avoidant individual won’t engage in deeper emotional repair.
However, after emotional wounds accumulate, their partner may experience:
A sense of emotional abandonment, especially in moments of distress.
Frustration at their lack of warmth, reassurance, or emotional repair.
A feeling that their avoidant partner has already moved on, even when the issue is unresolved.
This creates a cycle where the partner seeks more closeness, leading the avoidantly attached individual to withdraw even further—a classic pursuer-distancer dynamic.
The more one partner pushes for connection, the more the avoidant partner pulls away, reinforcing a painful loop of unmet needs and emotional disconnection.
This cycle can be particularly damaging because those with avoidant attachment style struggle to recognize their own emotional distress, let alone their partner’s.
Since they deal with their own pain by suppressing it, they may assume their partner should do the same.
They may not understand why their partner keeps bringing up emotional concerns, seeing it as unnecessary drama rather than a legitimate need for connection.
To repeat a point made earlier, if someone with avoidant attachment style does feel hurt in a relationship, they rarely express it.
Instead, they suppress their emotional pain and try to move on. If they do attempt to address an issue and it leads to an argument, they are unlikely to press the matter further.
This creates a situation where their partner is unaware of how deeply they’ve hurt their avoidant spouse, leading to unresolved resentment and further distance in the relationship.
Over time, these unspoken wounds pile up, causing the avoidant partner to disengage completely, while their partner may feel increasingly rejected and desperate for connection.
Without active emotional repair, the relationship begins to feel one-sided, where one partner is always reaching out while the other remains emotionally unavailable.
Beck et al. (2013, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships) detail how avoidant suppression fuels the pursuer-distancer cycle, amplifying partner frustration.
How Avoidantly Attached Styles Show Love and Care in Relationships
People with avoidant attachment styles express love differently than those who are more emotionally open.
Instead of offering verbal affection, deep conversations, or physical closeness, they tend to show love through actions—even if their partner wishes for more emotional connection.
Here’s how they often provide care in a relationship:
They show love through actions, not words. Instead of saying “I love you” or “I’m here for you,” they express their commitment by taking care of practical things—fixing something around the house, handling finances, or running errands.
They give space instead of comfort. Since they value independence, they assume their partner does too. If their partner is upset, they may think giving them space is helpful, when in reality, their partner may be craving emotional reassurance.
They step up in a crisis. While they may struggle with emotional support, they’re often incredibly dependable when it comes to logistics—helping solve problems, making sure things run smoothly, and taking action instead of offering emotional comfort.
They show loyalty by sticking around. Even if they don’t say or show affection in obvious ways, they often express love through long-term commitment, consistency, and responsibility.
For avoidant attachment styles, acts of service and reliability are their way of saying “I care.”
However, their partners may still need emotional closeness, words of affirmation, and physical affection to feel truly loved.
Finding a balance between action and emotional connection can help both partners feel more fulfilled in the relationship.
Feeney and Collins (2001) confirm avoidant individuals favor instrumental support over emotional, reflecting their caregiving style.
Why Emotional Caregiving Feels So Hard for Avoidantly Attachment Styles
Avoidant attachment styles often show love through actions, but when their partner is hurt—especially by something they did—practical efforts are no longer enough.
Their partner isn’t just looking for help with day-to-day tasks; they need emotional reassurance, open discussions, and warmth to heal from the pain.
This is where things start to break down in relationships. The avoidant partner may feel like they’re doing their best by staying present or offering practical support, but their spouse sees them as cold, distant, or indifferent—as if they’ve already moved on from the hurt.
In response, their partner may become more critical or demanding, trying to get them to engage emotionally. But instead of stepping in, the avoidant individual shuts down, withdraws, or avoids the conflict altogether.
Although they may appear tough on the outside, those with an avoidant attachment style are actually deeply sensitive and often struggle with insecurities about not being good enough.
When faced with blame or criticism, they retreat further—not because they don’t care, but because engaging feels overwhelming.
This creates a negative cycle—one partner pushes for emotional connection, while the avoidant partner pulls away.
The more one seeks closeness, the more the other resists, leading to frustration and even deeper wounds.
Over time, this leads to a pursuer-distancer dynamic, where one person chases emotional connection while the other constantly tries to escape it.
How the Avoidantly Attached Sabotage Their Own Relationship…
People with avoidant attachment style often do not actively seek emotional closeness or comfort in their relationships.
Unlike their anxious counterparts, who pursue reassurance and validation, avoidantly attached individuals tend to withdraw, suppress their emotions, and assume they must handle everything on their own.
This lack of proximity-seeking behavior—not reaching out for comfort, not expressing needs, and not engaging in repair after conflict—creates a painful cycle that leaves them feeling resentful, disconnected, and unfulfilled.
Ironically, it is a pattern of their own making, yet they rarely recognize it as problematic.
When an avoidantly attached individual doesn’t express their needs or emotions, their partner is left unaware of what they truly want.
Over time, this lack of emotional engagement means their relationship doesn’t get repaired in ways that feel meaningful to them.
They may start to feel like their partner isn’t giving enough, isn’t meeting their needs, or doesn’t care about them—when in reality, they haven’t given their partner the opportunity to show up for them.
This leads to deep resentment and feelings of inadequacy. They may think:
“I’m constantly criticized. And told how I need to change.”
“I do everything in this relationship, but I don’t feel appreciated.”
“No one ever shows up for me, so what’s the point of asking?”
“I’m not good enough to be loved the way I need.”
Because they aren’t used to asking for emotional support, they convince themselves that they don’t need it—but deep down, they still crave connection.
The problem is, they expect their partner to sense their unspoken needs, and when that doesn’t happen, they grow frustrated and unhappy in the relationship.
They might even start emotionally distancing themselves or convince themselves the relationship isn’t working, all while never fully expressing what they need to feel secure and valued.
The key to breaking this cycle is for avoidant individuals to recognize their own need for emotional closeness and take small steps toward expressing it.
This might feel uncomfortable at first, but without actively using their voice, their emotional needs will continue to go unmet—leading to dissatisfaction, resentment, and a deep sense of loneliness in the relationship.
True connection starts with learning to trust that their emotions matter and that expressing them won’t lead to rejection.
Mikulincer (1998, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin) shows avoidant individuals’ lack of proximity-seeking fosters resentment and self-sabotage by blocking emotional repair.
How Avoidant Attachment Styles Engage in Self-Deception and Risky Behavior
Avoidant attachment styles often minimize emotional risks and overestimate their ability to handle situations without consequence.
Because they compartmentalize emotions and push away discomfort, they may engage in problematic behaviors without fully considering the impact—on themselves, their partner, or their relationship.
This self-deception allows them to rationalize unhealthy choices while convincing themselves that everything is under control.
Some common ways this plays out include:
Minimizing the risks of emotional or physical closeness. They may tell themselves that flirting, emotional affairs, or risky situations won’t affect their relationship because they believe they can stay detached. But since they avoid processing their own emotional needs, they may not recognize how deeply they’re actually being drawn into something problematic.
Overestimating their ability to handle things alone. They may believe they can deal with stress, relationship issues, or temptation without support, but because they avoid emotional reflection, they don’t always recognize when they’re struggling. This can lead to burnout, resentment, or impulsive decisions.
Convincing themselves they are unaffected by emotional wounds. Instead of admitting they’re hurt, lonely, or unsatisfied, they may engage in distraction behaviors—working excessively, withdrawing from their partner, or seeking validation elsewhere. They may tell themselves “It’s just stress” or “It’s not a big deal” while ignoring the root cause of their unhappiness.
Ignoring consequences because they “don’t feel emotional about it.” Since they suppress emotions, they may believe that if they don’t feel guilty or conflicted in the moment, their actions must be okay. This mindset can lead them to cross emotional or physical boundaries, later struggling to understand why their partner is so deeply hurt.
Rewriting reality to avoid discomfort. They may convince themselves they aren’t doing anything wrong by justifying behaviors in a way that fits their preferred narrative—for example, telling themselves that they’re just “chatting” with someone outside the relationship when, in reality, it’s fulfilling an unmet emotional need.
This pattern of minimizing risks and inflating self-control can lead those with an avoidant attachment style into situations that harm their relationship—not because they set out to be reckless, but because they fail to recognize their own emotional blind spots.
Over time, this behavior fuels resentment, disconnection, and a growing dissatisfaction with their partner, even though the true issue is their avoidance of emotional honesty and vulnerability.
Edelstein and Gillath (2008, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin) link avoidant attachment to self-deceptive risk-taking, driven by emotional suppression and overconfidence.
How Avoidant Attachment and Infidelity Go Together
People with avoidant attachment see relationships differently. It’s not that they don’t want love—it’s that deep emotional closeness feels dangerous.
Instead of leaning in, they pull away. They keep their distance, and sometimes, they cheat.
For the avoidant, infidelity isn’t always about excitement or attraction. It’s about self-protection. They don’t break trust because they don’t care; they do it because commitment feels like losing control.
If you watch closely, you’ll see a pattern: emotional withdrawal, avoidance, and a way of justifying their choices. Infidelity isn’t an accident—it’s often their way of maintaining distance while still feeling connected.
The Escape Hatch: When Intimacy Feels Like a Threat
Imagine Andrew, a successful lawyer. He’s sharp, confident, and always in control. His girlfriend wants deeper emotional connection, but that makes him uncomfortable. The closer she gets, the more he pulls away.
So Andrew creates space. He works late, keeps his texts short, and stays busy. Then, a colleague starts paying attention to him. She listens, but she doesn’t ask for too much. A harmless conversation turns into dinner, then an affair.
To Andrew, this isn’t betrayal. He still loves his girlfriend, but the affair gives him room to breathe. It’s not about passion—it’s about escape.
Emotional Needs: The Great Suppression
People with avoidant attachment learned early on that needing others is dangerous. Maybe their parents were cold or distant. Maybe expressing feelings led to rejection. Over time, they stopped showing their needs at all.
But needs don’t just disappear. They stay hidden, waiting for an outlet. Affairs become that outlet.
They let avoidants feel connection without having to be fully open. They get just enough closeness to meet their emotional hunger—without feeling trapped.
The Addiction to Independence and Novelty
For avoidants, independence is everything. Long-term relationships feel like a loss of freedom. But new experiences—especially secret ones—bring excitement.
Studies show that avoidantly attached people are more likely to create distance in relationships. Cheating isn’t always about dissatisfaction—it’s about avoiding feeling trapped.
An affair lets them have it both ways. They get emotional and physical closeness, but on their terms. They don’t have to change, commit deeper, or deal with uncomfortable emotions.
The Art of Justifying Infidelity
Avoidants don’t see cheating the same way others do. Their brain finds ways to justify it:
- *It doesn’t mean anything.*
- *I’m not hurting anyone.*
- *This just gives me what my partner can’t.*
They separate the affair from their main relationship, convincing themselves it’s harmless. This allows them to cross lines others wouldn’t.
The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic: A Predictable Cycle
Avoidants often end up with anxious partners. One person wants closeness, the other needs space. The more the anxious partner chases, the more the avoidant pulls away.
The anxious partner feels abandoned and tries harder. They send long texts, ask for reassurance, or pick fights just to get attention. The avoidant partner, feeling smothered, retreats even more.
At some point, retreat isn’t enough. The avoidant looks for another way to create space. That’s where infidelity comes in—it lets them disconnect without fully leaving.
The anxious partner’s worst fear comes true: the avoidant isn’t just emotionally distant, but physically gone, too. And the avoidant partner? They feel relief, because they’ve escaped the pressure.
The Shadow of Childhood: Trust Issues That Run Deep
Avoidant attachment doesn’t come from nowhere. It starts in childhood when a child learns they can’t rely on caregivers for comfort.
These early lessons become core beliefs: *Don’t trust. Don’t rely on others. Stay in control.*
In adulthood, these beliefs shape relationships. Deep down, avoidants assume betrayal is inevitable. So sometimes, they cheat first—to maintain control, to protect themselves, to avoid feeling vulnerable.
The Research Speaks: Avoidants Cheat More
Studies back this up. Research published by DeWall and Lambert in the Journal of Sex Research found that avoidants are significantly more likely to cheat.
Another study in Attachment & Human Development by Allen and Baucom showed that avoidant attachment leads to lower relationship satisfaction—a big predictor of infidelity.
Avoidants don’t stay and fight for connection. When things get tough, they pull away—often into someone else’s arms.
3 Fears that Drive Avoidant Attachment Style’s Infidelity:
These 3 fears of Avoidant Attachment aren’t rooted in thrill-seeking or sexual addiction—it’s rooted in emotional protection.
People who commit these types of betrayals aren’t running toward someone else so much as they’re running away from something within themselves.
That “something” often takes the form of three internal fears—powerful emotional forces rooted in childhood and attachment wounds.
1. Fear of Intimacy
“If I get too close, I’ll disappear.”
This fear often forms in the avoidantly attached because they were raised in emotionally enmeshed or invalidating environments.
Maybe they had a parent whose needs took up all the space in the room. Maybe they had to play the role of caretaker or peacekeeper.
Or maybe they simply learned that being close to someone meant they had to shut down their own needs to stay connected.
So as adults, they long for love but fear the cost of closeness.
Daniel grew up with a mother who was emotionally volatile. She leaned on him for comfort, treated him like her confidant, and often lashed out when he didn’t give her enough attention.
As a child, Daniel learned to read moods, manage emotions, and disappear when things got intense. Fast-forward to adulthood: Daniel is married to someone who deeply loves him.
But when his wife expresses sadness or asks for deeper connection, he shuts down. He feels pressure. Suffocated. Even angry. He doesn’t know how to stay present when someone else has emotional needs.
Enter the affair: Daniel begins texting a co-worker. She laughs at his jokes. She never asks for more than he offers.
With her, Daniel feels free—because she doesn’t require intimacy. Not the real kind. The affair becomes his escape hatch from the emotional weight he fears will consume him at home.
But what Daniel doesn’t realize is that this fear of intimacy isn’t about his wife. It’s about old wiring that tells him love will cost him his autonomy.
2. Fear of Commitment
“If I invest, I’ll get abandoned.”
People with this fear often experienced early losses—divorce, betrayal, rejection, emotional neglect.
They learned that closeness leads to pain. So they protect themselves by never fully attaching. Their motto becomes: Keep one foot out the door—just in case.
But the craving for connection still lives inside them. And the affair becomes a way to flirt with emotional connection without having to risk full exposure.
Natalie was raised by a father who left when she was ten and a mother who worked three jobs and came home emotionally exhausted. Natalie learned to rely on herself—and only herself.
As an adult, she married a man who was dependable and emotionally available. But instead of leaning in, Natalie began to feel restless. She picked fights. She avoided intimacy. Deep down, she feared he would eventually let her down—like everyone else had.
So when an old boyfriend messaged her on Facebook, she responded. They began talking. Harmless at first. But over time, the secret contact gave Natalie something intoxicating: control.
She didn’t have to risk being hurt. If the old flame disappeared, it wouldn’t really matter. But if her husband left her? That would devastate her. And that’s what she was trying to avoid.
Affairs like Natalie’s aren’t about escape from the relationship—they’re escape from investment. They say: “I want connection, but only if I don’t have to depend on you for it.”
3. Fear of Being Unlovable
“If you really knew me, you’d leave.”
This is often the most deeply buried fear—and the most powerful. It lives in the hearts of people who carry shame. People who were told—either directly or subtly—that they weren’t enough. Not smart enough. Not good enough. Not lovable.
This fear leads people to keep others at arm’s length or to self-sabotage when things feel too good. Because deep down, they believe it’s only a matter of time before they’re exposed as unworthy.
Carlos is a high-functioning achiever. On the outside, he’s got it together—career, family, community. But underneath, he feels like a fraud. He was raised in a home where love had to be earned. Mistakes were met with criticism. Success was never “enough.”
When his wife praises him, Carlos deflects. When she wants to get closer emotionally, he panics. And when a new woman at work starts complimenting him—effusively—he feels something he hasn’t felt in years: seen. Not for what he achieves, but for who he is.
The affair becomes a place where he doesn’t have to live up to anything. Where the shame he carries doesn’t seem to exist. But of course, it’s a mirage. The shame is still there—he’s just found a place to momentarily silence it.
Affairs like Carlos’s say: I need to know I’m lovable, because I’ve stopped believing it’s true.
These Affairs That Those with Avoidantly Attachment Styles Have Aren’t About Passion, But Protection
These affairs don’t start with desire—they start with disconnection: from emotions, from self-worth, from safety.
And the more these fears go unaddressed, the more likely they are to shape behavior in ways that seem baffling or even cruel to the betrayed partner.
What’s tragic is that the very thing the avoidantly attached partner fears—being known, being hurt, being left—is often what their partner is longing to do the opposite of: to connect, to stay, to heal.
Healing Requires Facing the Fear
Recovery from an Affair of Fear isn’t just about stopping the behavior. It’s about confronting the internal stories driving it. Stories like:
“I’m not safe in relationships.”
“I have to hide who I really am.”
“Love always ends in pain.”
These stories must be replaced with truths grounded in emotional safety and healthy vulnerability.
At Healing Broken Trust, we walk couples through that process. It’s about breaking the emotional cycles underneath it.
Breaking the Cycle: Is Change Possible?
Avoidant attachment isn’t permanent. It can be unlearned—but it takes effort. Therapy helps. So do structured programs like those here at Healing Broken Trust.
The goal isn’t to force avoidants to be more emotional. It’s to help them realize that real closeness doesn’t mean losing themselves.
Infidelity isn’t about temptation—it’s about avoidance. But true freedom isn’t in keeping one foot out the door.
It’s in learning that love doesn’t have to feel like a trap. That trust doesn’t have to mean losing control. And that staying is sometimes the bravest thing of all.
Take the Next Step Toward Healing and Connection
Living with an avoidant attachment style—or loving someone who does—can feel like an uphill battle, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Whether you’re struggling with emotional distance as a couple or navigating the fallout of trust issues as an individual, help is within reach.
With the right tools and support, you can break free from these patterns and build the secure, fulfilling relationships you deserve.
For Couples: Ready to bridge the gap and heal the pursuer-distancer dynamic? Join the Healing Broken Trust program today. Designed for couples, this proven program helps you rebuild trust, deepen emotional connection, and create lasting harmony—together. Sign up now and start your journey to a stronger relationship.
For Unfaithful Individuals: If you’re an unfaithful partner looking to understand your avoidant tendencies and repair the damage, the Unfaithful Partner program is for you. This step-by-step course empowers you to confront your emotional barriers, take accountability, and foster genuine intimacy. Enroll today and take control of your healing process.
For Betrayed Individuals: If you’ve been betrayed and want immediate access to help so you can feel better fast we have a program for you. You can access it here. Enroll today.
Don’t let avoidance define your relationships any longer. Take action now—because true connection starts with you.
References:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Allen, E. S., & Baucom, D. H. (2004). Adult attachment and patterns of extradyadic involvement. Attachment & Human Development, 6(4), 379–399.
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.
Beaulieu-Pelletier, G., Philippe, F. L., Lecours, S., & Couture, S. (2023). Avoidant attachment and infidelity: The mediating role of emotional autonomy and self-sacrifice. Heliyon, 9(10), e204695.
Beck, L. A., Pietromonaco, P. R., DeBuse, C. J., Powers, S. I., & Sayer, A. G. (2013). Spouses’ attachment pairings predict neuroendocrine, behavioral, and psychological responses to marital conflict. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(8), 1023–1045.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Volume 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books.
Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 2(1), 46–76.
Cassidy, J. (1994). Emotion regulation: Influences of attachment relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 269–287.
DeWall, C. N., Lambert, N. M., Slotter, E. B., Pond, R. S., Jr., Deckman, T., Finkel, E. J., Luchies, L. B., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). So far away from one’s partner, yet so close to romantic alternatives: Avoidant attachment, interest in alternatives, and infidelity. Journal of Sex Research, 48(6), 553–566.
Edelstein, R. S., & Gillath, O. (2008). Avoiding interference: Adult attachment and emotional processing biases. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(2), 171–181.
Feeney, J. A. (1999). Adult attachment, emotional control, and marital satisfaction. Attachment & Human Development, 1(3), 261–280.
Feeney, J. A., & Collins, N. L. (2001). Predictors of caregiving in adult intimate relationships: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(6), 972–994.
Fraley, R. C., Waller, N. G., & Brennan, K. A. (1998). An item response theory analysis of self-report measures of adult attachment. Developmental Psychology, 34(5), 842–858.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Li, T., & Chan, D. K.-S. (2012). How avoidant attachment influences conflict resolution in close relationships: A meta-analytic review. Personality and Individual Differences, 52(3), 378–383.
Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1-2), 66–104.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.
Mikulincer, M. (1998). Attachment working models and the sense of trust: An exploration of interaction goals and affect regulation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24(11), 1209–1224.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Muller, R. T. (2010). Trauma and the avoidant client: Attachment-based strategies for healing. W. W. Norton & Company.
Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family Psychology, 27(2), 242–251.
Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Nelligan, J. S. (1996). Support seeking and support giving within couples in an anxiety-provoking situation: The role of attachment styles. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(2), 398–411.
Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367.
