This episode is based on a blog post we wrote.
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Transcript Below:
Brad (00:00):
Guys, this is Brad Robinson. Before we officially start today's episode, I want to share with you just a trigger warning. We are going to be getting into warning signs of an affair. If you're listening to this podcast, you've probably already gone through this. If you still want to listen to this episode on warning Signs of an Affair, by all means be our guest. But just know some of these things can be triggering that we're going to be getting into. Just want to give you that trigger warning because this can be upsetting. Let's go ahead and begin.
Morgan (00:29):
Welcome to the Healing Broken Trust podcast. I'm Morgan Robinson. And
Brad (00:33):
I'm Brad Robinson.
Morgan (00:33):
And we love to jump right into the meat and potatoes of our content for you real quick. We want to thank you for making this the most popular podcast. We've been downloaded now more than 3 million times, and so we want to thank you for that. We also appreciate your kind reviews. They really help us to keep going, and if you could just take a minute to leave a review, we'd appreciate it. And it also helps tell the algorithm that other people should listen to this content. So please let us know how you like our content. We like to get really to the meat and potatoes, like I said. But at the end of this podcast, we'll give you an update on us personally. I know some people ask about us personally, and so stick to the end and we'll just give you a brief update of how we've been and what we're doing. So let's get started. Brad, why don't you start us off? Sure.
Brad (01:25):
Let's dive in. We're talking about warning signs of an affair, whether it's emotional or physical. There was a study done by David Buss and Todd Shackleford where they reveal specific behaviors that people engaged in when they were having an affair. They broke it up into 14 major categories that serve as warning signs of infidelity. It's important to note that these signs do not automatically confirm that there's an affair. Some of them do. Some of these that they have are blatantly obvious there's an affair, but some of these other ones could also be linked to other issues such as stress, depression or mental health struggles. However, if multiple signs appear, they may indicate that something is amiss in the relationship. So Morgan, what are the first category of warning signs that those researchers identified?
Morgan (02:09):
Okay, so I'll do a couple of them here for us. The first one is what you said, it's the obvious, right? So the sexual infidelity is revealed, right? They tell you. So under this category, like you said, there's 14 categories, and then under each category, subcategory, that's how we get the 79. So here's a few of them. So sexual infidelity is revealed. You walk in on your spouse and another person having sex. I mean, there it is right there. Your spouse tells you that they have been sexually unfaithful to you. They've revealed it.
Brad (02:40):
Yeah, so that's the most obvious category is a discovery or somebody tells you. So that's the most obvious category. Morgan, do you want to go into the next category?
Morgan (02:49):
Okay. Yes. So the next one is less obvious and it's angry critical argumentative towards you. So that's how they're talking you. They're angry and critical and argumentative. And so under that category you'll see things like your spouse acts unusually angry with you. When you're together, your spouse is unusually critical of you. Your spouse suddenly is less forgiving of you when you make mistakes and your spouse starts looking for reasons to start arguments with you. So they're just looking to pick a fight. And so that's the next one. The second one,
Brad (03:25):
Okay, so the next category that they identify is that there are changes in the normal routine and sexual behavior with you. So changes in normal routine would be things like your spouse sleeps more than they used to. Your spouse's eating habits suddenly change your spouse. So a change in sexual routine would be your spouse suddenly tries new and unusual positions. When you two have sex, your spouse's clothes, your spouse's clothing style suddenly changes. Your spouse suddenly begins complaining of pain in their genitals. Your spouse has orgasms less often when you two have sex.
Morgan (04:01):
Okay? So that's a big change there. And of course, like Brad mentioned at the beginning, some of these can be indicative of depression or another mental health issue, but when you start adding up these things, it'll start pointing you and maybe in the direction of infidelity. So the next one is they're apathetic toward you. Your spouse doesn't share their feelings with you as often, right? There's less of that. Your spouse more often avoids the topic of sex when talking with you, and it's less than their normal. They act less excited than usual to see you. Your spouse doesn't spend as much time on their physical appearance before they see you and your spouse starts telling you that they're too tired to have sex with you. And of course, if that's outside of their normal or their regular behavior, you kind of know it'll kind of be obvious to you.
Brad (04:53):
And that's sometimes why people will say, my gut just tells me
Morgan (04:56):
Something's off. Yes, the
Brad (04:57):
Gut. I had a lady one time, she was engaged to get married. She was getting married in less than two weeks, but her gut was telling her something was off. She was gagging when she tried to eat. She had lost about 15 pounds in a few weeks time since she had started to suspect this. And to top it all off, she was planning on adopting her future husband's children. So she had no real signs that she could point to other than her gut was saying something is amiss. There's a fire going off. But she didn't know
Morgan (05:28):
There was an intuition there. As well as sometimes people will say, what's the next one dear?
Brad (05:33):
So the next category that these researchers identified is that there's an increased sexual interest or maybe even an exaggerated display of affection towards you, which is really tricky because you're like, we were really connecting. They were really making efforts. They were being almost really reassuring or really coming on strong. So what they say is that your spouse will act more interested in having sex with you. Your spouse is unusually when you don't have sex with them, your spouse will act unusually happy when they're with you. Your spouse will talk about sex more often when they're with you, and your spouse will start acting overly affectionate toward you. Your spouse may say, I love you more frequently to you than they used to,
Morgan (06:14):
And
Brad (06:14):
These are all triggering. These are like, if you've already gone through this, which most of you have, if you're listening to our podcast, this is upsetting. I remember these things. I remember what my gut was telling me. I remember why my gut was telling me these things. So sorry about that. It was just tragic stuff.
Morgan (06:32):
It really is. And it could feel like such a reprieve. You're like, oh, great. They're really trying. This is really great. I feel really great. But it's almost like, well, this is odd for you. This is odd behavior. This is different. So it's going to be more different and odd. And like you said, your gut might not feel quite right about it.
Brad (06:53):
And so that category I just covered, that's about them leaning in sexually, providing reassurance. This category Morgan's about to get into is about them leaning out more.
Morgan (07:04):
Yes. So the next one is sexual disinterest or boredom with you. So they're leaning out more. Your spouse suddenly has difficulty remaining sexually aroused while you are having sex. So remaining sexually aroused or having difficulty, your spouse suddenly has difficulty becoming aroused.
When you guys are having sex, your spouse becomes more mechanical in the way that they are with you, and they're just kind of going through the motions in a sense.
And then your spouse tells you more often that you're doing something wrong when you have sex together. And both when you have sex together, they want it for shorter duration than usual, and your spouse is less sexually adventurous when they're with you than they used to be is very important there.
And then you notice that they become bored when you are having sex. So those are very important. They're kind of leaning out. You feel distant more. And so it's important to have that baseline from the beginning. What are you measuring it against? Because people are different. Everyone has a different temperament.
Brad (08:17):
Now, some of those things, Morgan, that you mentioned could happen was people age as they get depressed, as they gain weight, as they get on certain medications, as they look at pornography, some of those things can happen. It's not always an indicator of an affair, but it can be as well. Those things can be tip offs for an affair. So you have to kind of take all of these together ultimately,
Morgan (08:37):
Right? And it is good to go and make sure to see your physician if you think that maybe diabetes is an issue or any other physical problems might be a concern. Low testosterone or any kind of hormone imbalance can really, this could be of that too. So just be mindful.
Brad (08:57):
Yeah. So the next category that these researchers identified is they call it relationship dissatisfaction, loss of love for their partner. And so under this category, they list things like your mate breaks up with you to date another person.
So if you're dating, they'll break up with you to go date somebody else. Your mate suggests to you that they begin and seeing other people, that's a dead ringer. Like we said, some of these are just really obvious.
They break up with you. That may be an indicator they ask for a separation or divorce that can be an indicator. They start talking to you about ending the relationship. They act nervous when you ask if they're falling in love with somebody else and your mate tells you that they don't love you anymore. That's another indicator.
Morgan (09:39):
Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah, it kind of reminds me of when we were dating and I broke up with Brad three different times, and that was really, I didn't know what I wanted or what I needed at that time, and I knew he wanted to get married and I wasn't quite ready.
So it may be that, I mean, for me, I broke up once one of those times because I thought, well, maybe I'm not ready to get married. And he is, and I want him to be happy, and I wanted him to find what he needed.
But then it dawned on me that I would never get to talk with him ever again. We could never be friends. And so I thought, well, I better, what do they say? Piss or get off the pot, better get in there and decide what I wanted.
And so anyways, that's how we ended up. I decide, okay, I'm going to decide, and I decided, and here we are. So anyways, brief story.
I thought that was kind of pertinent. So it's not always infidelity. Sometimes it really is that they really do love you and they just want the best for you. But again, as we've said before, take these all together and make sure that you're not in a bubble looking at one thing and not the whole picture.
Brad (10:52):
Yeah. Now, some of these are obviously blatant, like we've already said. They're just blatantly
Morgan (10:56):
Obvious,
Brad (10:57):
But some of these could have other explanations.
Morgan (10:59):
Exactly. Okay. So the next one, passive rejection of you or inconsiderate ness. So your spouse becomes less gentle with you when you're having sex. So they're being rough. And that's unusual. Your spouse starts acting rudely towards you. They're snippy or just plain rude. Your spouse starts asking you if you still feel the same love for them, or they stop saying, I love you. And that's unusual for them. And maybe your spouse doesn't tell you as often that they enjoy spending time with you, and maybe they did that before. So that's very unusual behavior for them. So consider that as well. Those are very important. So how about the next one? Brad, do you want to do that one?
Brad (11:43):
Yeah. So the other category that they identified is that your spouse is reluctant to discuss a certain other person.
Morgan (11:53):
Okay.
Brad (11:53):
So your spouse begins avoiding talking about a certain other person in conversations with you. Interesting. And your spouse acts nervous when a certain person's name comes up in conversations with you.
Morgan (12:04):
That's very interesting. Yeah. Maybe you think, well, how about that woman that you work with? How is she doing? How is her? Whatever. Maybe because you've suspected and they just sort of clam up or they get nervous or they Yeah, that's a real tell. That's a ringer.
Brad (12:21):
Yeah. But I've also seen it where they talk about this person all the time. Oh, interesting. So it's not just a reluctance. I've also seen it where they bump into this person everywhere they go, and normally they don't bump into people that the spouse works with. Oh, interesting. They bump into 'em at the grocery store. They're an hour away from their home, and they bump into this person
Morgan (12:41):
There, and it's like the betrayed person's bumping into that.
Brad (12:43):
Well, the affair partner just keeps popping up wherever they're at.
Morgan (12:47):
That's interesting.
Brad (12:48):
So there's different signs that can be here other than what these researchers identified. But these are good.
Morgan (12:53):
It's a good start.
Brad (12:54):
Yeah, it's a great start.
Morgan (12:55):
Okay, so the next one is reluctance to spend time with you. So they're just not wanting to spend time with you. Maybe your normal times and stuff. Your spouse doesn't want to go out on dates with you as often as you used to. Your spouse doesn't invite you to spend time with their friends as much, or your spouse doesn't ask you to spend time with their family like they used to. So those are interesting points as well. You want to talk
Brad (13:20):
About that? Well, the next category that these researchers identified is that there's an increased reference, two in time spent with the other person.
Morgan (13:29):
Yes.
Brad (13:29):
So you notice that they're wearing something that belongs to the other person. That's a dead ringer.
Morgan (13:34):
That's important.
Brad (13:35):
They call you by the other person's name.
Morgan (13:36):
Oh my gosh. Yeah.
Brad (13:38):
Friends tell you that they have seen your spouse with a certain other man or woman on several locations. Your spouse starts talking to you about their desire to have sex with another man or woman, and then your spouse begins spending more time with another person or the opposite sex.
Morgan (13:51):
Okay. Yep. That's important too. Okay, I'll move on to the next one as well. So the next one is acting guilty or anxious towards you. Your spouse is unusually apologetic towards you. Your spouse won't look in your eyes anymore. Maybe they feel shame or something like that.
Your spouse stops returning your phone calls, your spouse acts unusually guilty after they have sex with you. Those can be dead ringers for infidelity. What do you think? Anything about that? Or do you want to move to
Brad (14:20):
The next one? Yeah, just something more, I'm thinking of another sign I've seen where somebody suspects their spouse is having an affair. And so if you guys are listening to this, you may have already gone through this. You suspect that your spouse is having an affair and you confront 'em. They either, they have kind of a strong reaction to it.
One is they get really emotional and get teary eyed and say, I would never do that to you. I would never cheat on you. I'd never betray you. I never break your trust like that. I've gone through it. I know what it feels like or my parents divorce because of that.
I never do what my dad or mom did. That's one, a really strong reaction where really emotional, really teary-eyed. Another reaction is you ask them, have you been unfaithful or you seen anybody cheating? And they get really angry and really defensive? How would you do that? They start gaslighting these what it's called.
Morgan (15:09):
Why would you ask me that?
Brad (15:10):
Yeah, why would you ask me that? They shut it down immediately. What's wrong with you? Of course, I would never do that. They don't have a normal reaction. They don't say, they're not like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that you feel that way. Let's talk about it. What are you seeing?
Morgan (15:22):
Or I can't believe I made you think that.
Brad (15:24):
Yeah, they're sorry. Obviously nobody wants to get accused of that. It would be scary to be accused of that, but there's not a warm comfort and
Morgan (15:31):
Reassurance.
Brad (15:32):
It's more of an extreme reaction. Sometimes they just have a like, yep, you can help me. I have a guilty look on my face, and you just can read their face. Those are things I've seen people have, and those aren't on this list,
Morgan (15:44):
But those are important to make note of. Yeah. Oh, okay. The next one actually is physical signs of sexual infidelity or disinterest in sexual exclusivity. So your spouse contracts a sexually transmitted disease that you did not have.
Your spouse suddenly refuses to have sex with you, and your spouse tells you that they don't want a relationship. They don't want it to be exclusive. Maybe they're talking about having an open relationship or something like that. That's kind of a dead ringer too.
Brad (16:17):
Yeah. I'm not a fan of open relationships. I think in a sense they can be extremely abusive and very manipulative, those kinds of dynamics. That's my opinion on
Morgan (16:26):
That.
Brad (16:27):
So the next category they get into, and the final category they get into is emotional disengagement from you. Your spouse starts forgetting your anniversaries and other special dates. You notice excitement in their voice when they talk about someone of the opposite sex. They don't say, I love you as much as they used to, and they don't respond anymore when you tell 'em that you love them.
Morgan (16:48):
Yes.
Brad (16:49):
So those are the other ones that the researchers
Morgan (16:50):
Identified. And what's very interesting too, people overlook this sometimes
Brad (16:54):
I think infidelity first starts in the mind. And so if you let yourself wander mentally, what would life be like with this person? Or you think about an ex and you let your life mind wonder about what would life have been like if I had been with them instead of my spouse that I'm with now?
It can very easily begin to slide into that if we're not careful. So a lot of these boundaries that we have start in the mind. They start in the mind. They're more mental boundaries that we
Morgan (17:18):
Have and mental, and then what goes into our mind comes through our eyes. So where we direct our eyes, what we're looking at, what we're spending our time and energy on, what are we reading? What are we watching? Those things all enter into the mind.
Brad (17:33):
Well, and even the people we hang out with. If we have a family member that's unfaithful or coworkers that are, we're more likely to do that because it normalizes that behavior.
Morgan (17:44):
That's right. I've heard you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time around, and so consider that. That's very important. So the last little bit that we want to leave you with is if it seems like your partner has been unfaithful, it may feel like your world is collapsing, but there is hope.
Okay. There was a 2005 study that found that couples who worked on their marriages after an affair made faster progress than other couples working on their relationship for different reasons. So that's very interesting.
Brad (18:13):
These couples made bigger gains and faster gains than other couples who went to couples therapy who weren't dealing with infidelity. So it is very encouraging. Research from UCLA in the University of Washington revealed that couples who participated in marriage enrichment programs after infidelity had just as strong of a marriage five years later as couples who never experienced infidelity.
(18:36):
So couples therapy workshops like ours that we offer where we really work with people over three days where we target their negative cycle, we help them manage triggers better, we show them some stuff that they can do. We help them communicate, we help them guide them through bonding events.
We help them understand the healing process, and then we have a follow-up program for them that helps people be strong in their marriage five years later, just as strong as couples who've never experienced infidelity. We are here to help you. We've tried to provide all kinds of free information. You guys have made us the most popular podcast on this topic,
Morgan (19:13):
And you don't have to navigate this journey alone. We're here for you. We care about you. We want to make sure that we help every couple out there who's dealt with infidelity, whether it's yesterday you discovered it, whether you suspect it, or whether it's happened 30 years ago, and you still can't shake the heartache of it, and you know that you haven't shaked it because you're not as intimate with your spouse emotionally or physically in some way, and you just want that deeper emotional bond with your spouse. That's normal. And so we want to help you. So definitely check us out.
Brad (19:49):
Yeah, definitely. You are not alone. If you're facing betrayal,
(19:53):
You don't have to navigate it alone. Our Healing Broken Trust workshop is designed to guide you and your partner through a proven path to healing.
Our material is, and it's an immersive experience that offers you expert guidance, practical tools, and a safe space to connect, rebuild, and restore what was broken.
Whether you're feeling stuck in the pain or unsure of how to move forward, our workshop will give you the clarity and the support that you need to heal together.
A lot of the folks who come to our workshop found out early on, sometimes they find out later on, they find our podcast like a year in, sometimes even a few years later than that, four or five years in. And one of them listens to the podcast, but the other one doesn't.
Morgan (20:35):
Right.
Brad (20:35):
They're learning all this stuff and learning how to yield. Typically, it's the one who's been betrayed and they're like, goy, the person who broke my trust isn't doing the work I need them to do. I'm stuck. And so the workshop's great because in three days you can learn together and work through these things at lightning speed. It really does help a lot.
Morgan (20:55):
Oh yeah.
Brad (20:55):
In fact, Morgan get this. I got an email this morning from our office from a couple that came to our workshop two years ago who went to meet up with me.
Morgan (21:03):
Oh yeah, that's
Brad (21:05):
In May because they're going to be in our town and they just want to say Thank you so much, and Hi,
Morgan (21:09):
That's so
Brad (21:09):
Exciting. This is staying power. It's not just three days. It's this high. It's like, no, you really figure out how to heal. There's a lot of healing that happens while we're together, but it changes people's lives. This is not a normal workshop. So if you've done something before and attended something before, I promise you it is not like this. It's not like it. This is way different.
Morgan (21:29):
And it's not a recap of the podcast.
Brad (21:31):
No, it's not. No, no. I'm not going to do that to you guys. But it's transformative because there are, people leave tents and they come tensely.
Morgan (21:40):
They come tenses. Yeah.
Brad (21:41):
People come tense to our workshop and they leave laughing by Sunday when we're done, people are laughing because they feel secure in their relationship again. They feel like they're going to make it. And so no matter where you're at, come.
Morgan (21:53):
Yeah. And I'm curious on that email, did they say how long ago that they,
Brad (21:57):
Yeah, they came two and a half years ago. I remember them. I remember who they are. They're a great
Morgan (22:02):
Couple. Oh, that's exciting. I'm so excited. So we'll get to meet them hopefully and just say hi and see how they are and get an update.
Brad (22:09):
They would not be doing that if they were divorcing.
Morgan (22:11):
That would
Brad (22:12):
Not, and this sucked and Brad was not helpful. And it was a
Morgan (22:14):
Scam. Avoid us or something.
Brad (22:16):
And this is not a thing where, this is not a cult. So you come this workshop, nobody's forced to talk. Nobody's outing their spouse. It's a safe environment to learn with other couples. Nobody's forced to share their story.
Morgan (22:28):
That's right.
Brad (22:29):
But it is an ample opportunity to connect with your spouse. It does not go on. I could easily make this until we finish about five o'clock every day, and it's time to go enjoy the evenings. Look at Tulsa. The surrounding areas have fun.
Morgan (22:46):
Yes,
Brad (22:46):
You need to have fun.
Morgan (22:47):
And the other thing too that's important to mention is we have three different ways to do the workshop. So if you cannot travel, I know us, we have little kids. It'd be very hard to travel alone without our little kids. But if that's you, we have the virtual option so you can do it through Zoom and still have access to everything live that way.
And then there's also a recorded version, and we have been working diligently on making the recorded version super short videos so that you can just watch piece by piece every day if you want to spread it out.
And everyone who purchases the workshop gets access to all of that. So you can come physically, you can also consume it digitally like that while watching the videos.
And like Brad said, nobody's made to say anything. You don't have to say anything at all to anyone. You're going to want to say it to your spouse. You're going to want to talk with your spouse.
Brad (23:43):
This is not a group
Morgan (23:45):
Therapy
Brad (23:45):
Thing. No. So it takes place in a group environment where you can meet, socialize with other couples
Morgan (23:49):
If you want to.
Brad (23:50):
And there are questions I ask people, but those who share,
Morgan (23:54):
Right, only do it
Brad (23:56):
Voluntarily.
Morgan (23:56):
They do it voluntarily.
Brad (23:57):
Yeah. There's no forced group activities.
Morgan (23:59):
That's right. That can be so scary for a lot of people. Oh
Brad (24:02):
Yeah. It's crazy.
Morgan (24:03):
And so it's private that way.
Brad (24:05):
And to be honest with you, I am a child of divorce. I have designed everything through the filter of my parents. I really want to be the marriage counselor, wish my parents had. If they had good help back when I was a child, most likely they wouldn't have divorced. I want to provide something that would've helped my parents back then. And that's what I'm offering you guys today. So you guys can heal. There's opportunities to heal.
Morgan (24:28):
That's right.
Brad (24:29):
You can do it. We believe in you. We will see you soon. Morgan made personal announcements.
Morgan (24:33):
Oh yeah, that's right. At the beginning I told you we would kind of give you a little personal update of us. There are some people who ask, and that's great.
We just want to let you know since the beginning of this podcast, we didn't have children when we first started this podcast. No, we didn't.
And now our oldest is nine years old, and we now have our fourth child who is going to be two months old today, I think. Yes.
Today at the time of this podcast recording. So these episodes that you are hearing have been on the internet for quite some time. A lot of years.
When you go to healing broken trust.com, I mean, it's changed over time, but we want to keep providing you with great content.
And we love this work because we see so many people who heal and they just come in thinking, oh my gosh, we're the worst ever. And they leave knowing that, oh my gosh, there's hope.
There's hope for us. There's hope for this marriage and for our family. We just wanted to give you a brief update. We're loving it still.
Brad (25:35):
Yeah, I am. In my early forties, I didn't plan at 25, if you would've asked me, Hey, do you want to be a dad in your early forties? No. Kind of an infant life happens.
Morgan (25:49):
That's
Brad (25:49):
Right. Yeah, I am.
Morgan (25:50):
Yeah. And it's great. And we have four. We have a boy, a girl, a boy, and then this one was a boy as well. So we just have a lot of boys. And it's me and our daughter against the world, which is fun. It's a lot of fun. We know a lot of you have kids too, so it's great. Do you have something to say?
Brad (26:08):
No, just we appreciate you guys. Thank you for making us the most popular podcast on infidelity, how to Heal it.
Morgan (26:14):
Yeah.
Brad (26:14):
Thank you guys.
Morgan (26:15):
Yeah, and leave us a review and reach out to our office healing broken trust.com and we look forward to seeing you soon. Hopefully.
