Ep 11: Crisis Management, How to Keep It Together When Everything's Falling Apart After The Affair

Brad:

We can really only focus on one thing at a time. And if we let our thoughts run control of us, it's going to control our mood as well. We're going to be stuck in sadness, grief, and hurt. And it's going to be sure it'll always be there until it's completely dealt with. And I'm not saying don't deal with it. I'm just saying at times you got to get to work or times you got to take care of the kids. And these are ways to regain control of yourself.

Morgan:

You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert. If you are wanting to heal your marriage, this podcast is for you. And we're on episode 11 where we're talking about ways to manage the crisis and specifically with this question of how do I keep my world from falling apart after the affair? So that's really important. And quickly, before we move on, I want to remind you to go to healing broken trust.com/episode 11. That's episode and the number 11 to really get the downloads, actually to get the free downloads that we have there for you and gain a better perspective on how to work through this process. All right, so that's Healing Broken trust.com/episode 11. Download those free resources and let's get started. Welcome back. You're listening to Brad and Morgan Robinson, and we are talking about how to recover from an affair. Today we're talking about ways to help you manage the crisis after your spouse's affair, and there's four things we're talking about today, intrusive thoughts, thoughts stopping journaling, and managing depression. Brad, do you want to get us started?

Brad:

Yeah. Many times after an affairs discovered, obviously it's very traumatic, it's very hurtful. Part of, and we've talked about before, this is very, because it is so traumatic, you have a difficult time with obsessive thoughts. And so how you handle those intrusive thoughts, those obsessive thoughts, I want to share a couple things with our listeners on how to do that. Pretty much in almost every case I've worked with on a fair recovery. The spouse or partner who's been betrayed has had obsessive intrusive thoughts. Most of them have also reported a hard time managing the flood of thoughts that came to them. There is a guy named Larry Smith. He's an author and leading the expert on post-traumatic stress disorder and other anxiety disorders. He's developed a few tools to help individuals deal with intrusive thoughts instead of having to turn to drugs or other harmful coping mechanisms to relieve that pain. And one of the things that he's developed is really grounding your body.

Brad:

And

Brad:

Let me explain this, grounding yourself and grounding your body. Grounding yourself means doing things that bring you back to the present. Instead of focusing on the past and letting your mind into the affair, you're focused on the here and now, you're learning and practicing. This will help you gain a sense of control over intrusive thoughts from the past. And it frees you from worrying about the affair happening again. And there are multiple ways to do this, and one of those is grounding your body with grounding your body. You're noticing what your body is doing without passing judgment on what your body feels like. So for example, if your breathing is shallow and rapid, or if your stomach is in knot, you focus on the breathing slowly and evenly, especially if you are hyperventilating.

Brad:

You

Brad:

Want to touch the fabric of your clothes or an object close to you and focus on what it feels like. Part of grounding your body is to stomp your feet or push them down, or you could rub your elbow or wiggle your toes. Tensing and releasing different muscle groups is another effective way to ground your body.

Brad:

And

Brad:

So you're getting more in touch with what's happening. You're not passing judgment on it, and you're paying attention to it,

Morgan:

And

Brad:

It actually helps you feel better,

Morgan:

Right? Because oftentimes you can drift, your mind can wander, and you can feel your body getting tense and tightening up. But if you say, oh, I'm going there again, and you start to come to the present moment and feel your body in the now, then you're starting to slow your breathing and you're starting to really relax, and it's going to take you away from the stress and those intrusive thoughts. Is that the idea?

Brad:

That's the idea. And that will help with the intrusive

Morgan:

Thoughts.

Brad:

Another way to help with the intrusive thoughts is, and I know what I just said, on grounding yourself, grounding your body. That sounds bizarre. Try it. Just try it and see and do it for a little bit and see what kind of results you get.

Morgan:

And if you feel awkward doing it on your own, maybe go to a yoga class or a breathing class and just practice relaxing. Maybe even get a CD with relaxing music

Brad:

On how to relax, and that'll be very helpful.

Morgan:

Very helpful.

Brad:

Another way to handle intrusive thoughts is what's called thought stopping.

And with this, what you do is you just tell yourself, stop it. I'm not going to think about this. Stop again. This will be probably difficult in the beginning, the immediate aftermath because you're still very much a crisis. But as time goes on and as you get better, you can start choosing what your thoughts are going to be with thought stopping. You want to basically tell yourself, stop it. Then select half predetermined thoughts that you're already going to choose. You can have scripture verses on a note card. You can have lines of poetry. You can have your goals written down. You can have affirmations written down. You want to have something predetermined that is going to make you feel better and that you can say to yourself, instead of having these wild thoughts control your mind, you can just say these things out loud to yourself. And it can be a prayer that's written down or a prayer book that you have, and you can just read it out loud and it'll help you start controlling your thoughts and regain mastery over 'em. And it's not controlling you.

Morgan:

Right. And it's helpful to say it out loud as well. Very helpful. Say, Nope, stop. I'm not going to, Nope. I'm not going to think of that. Stop now and think on the things you want.

Brad:

Yeah, because we can really only focus on one thing at a time, and if we let our thoughts run control of us, it's going to control our mood as well. We're going to be stuck in sadness, grief, and hurt. And it's going to be sure it'll always be there until it's completely dealt with. And I'm not saying don't deal with it. I'm just saying at times, you got to go to work or times you got to take care of the kids. And these are ways to regain control of yourself.

Morgan:

Yes.

Brad:

And so thought stomping is very helpful. Handling those intrusive thoughts with the grounding yourself and grounding your body, that's also helpful.

Morgan:

Right.

Brad:

And another helpful way, Morgan, do you want to share that with us? Sure.

Morgan:

Yes.

Brad:

This is

Morgan:

Journaling. Journaling. Journaling is very helpful. I personally enjoy journaling, but there's a social psychologist, Dr. James Pennebaker's, and he did research that identified two traits of individuals who cope well along the journey to recovery, an outlet for their feelings and a mindset about the trauma that fosters closure and clarity. So he talks about that, and he believes journaling can help with that. Dr. Pennebaker found that those who confided their emotional wounds in writing experienced dips in their mood as they were writing, but ultimately felt significantly happier and less anxious than the students who did not spend time journaling.

Brad:

And he did a study with one of his classes and he had his students do that.

Morgan:

Oh, true. Yes, yes. So journaling reportedly gave the students and the people that he worked with increased clarity about their trauma and brought them to a place where they could think about it more easily. And the exercise also improved function and participant's immune systems, which is amazing. Dr. Pennebaker concluded that confiding helps individuals confront, understand, and mentally organize the trauma, lessening its damaging effects. So that's pretty amazing. And I think if you're putting those feelings and thoughts onto paper, it's almost taking it off your shoulders. And I could imagine that would help your immune system.

Brad:

It really does. It's

Morgan:

Amazing.

Brad:

And Morgan, there's some different ways that journaling can become more effective. When you do begin to journal,

Brad:

You

Brad:

Really want to remove distractions. It's important to locate a fairly secluded space where your focus won't be impeded by people noises or other distracting stimuli.

Morgan:

And you want to be consistent. Consistent is consistency is very important. And I remember Dr. Pennebaker recommends journaling for 15 to 30 minutes on four to five consecutive days.

Brad:

And that's really important. And just being consistent with it because it'll help you. Sure, you might feel a little worse when you're riding, but when you're going to feel better because you're dealing with it, you're not putting the pain away, you're not putting the trauma away,

Morgan:

You're stuffing, you're not stuffing it. Yeah,

Brad:

You're not stuffing it. Sometimes moving past this is like hugging a cactus. I tell people, you go out and lost in the desert and you've got a terrible sunburn on you and you're dehydrated and you meet a person that lives in the desert, and this person is not wearing very much clothes. They look like they, they're also skin burned, but it's not destroying them. It's not peeling, it's not painful. And they told you how they got better. They said, see that cactus over there? I went over there and hugged it. I helped my skin, it healed my skin, and I no longer felt dehydrated, and I can survive in this desert. And in a way, that's what this is like. We're hugging a cactus when we're journaling, when we're dealing with the affair, when we're talking about it with our spouse is it feels horrible when we're doing it. And you got to squeeze that cactus tight. You got to wrap your arms around it, and you got to bear hug it, and it's penetrates your skin and it's already sunburned and you're dehydrated. But when you're doing that, it has healing energy and has healing properties to it.

And that's what we're doing. And lo and behold, you get better. You start feeling better. And that's what fair recovery is in a lot of ways. You're hugging a cactus,

Morgan:

And I really like the next thing. Inspiration, beginning with the traumatic event can spur the flow of writing as long as it's not a topic that's so upsetting that it becomes a distraction. Sometimes you can use a journal that has topics to write on. I'm sure there are a lot of helpful journals out there.

Brad:

And Morgan, that brings up the idea of being honest. This is your journal. It's a wonderful outlet to address topics you often think about but are too uncomfortable to admit to yourself or too embarrassed to discuss out loud writing can sometimes help you make sense of your feelings and therefore deal with your trauma in a way that conversation or internalizing simply cannot do.

And you're writing for yourself. And so it's important that this is also very private. It's important to write with no one's thoughts, opinions, or approval in mind, but your own in order to ensure total honesty. And some of this, because there is heightened emotion there when you're writing about something as difficult and painful as an affair is, even though you may feel strong emotion for a short period after journaling, most people do report having felt a sense of relief and peace as the long-term effects of journaling. Most people report feeling sense of peace as the long-term effect of journaling.

Morgan:

Right? And so having a clean slate, this is a valuable opportunity to cleanse your mind of worries. And many have experienced relief from insomnia by journaling before they go to sleep, which is really nice. Kind of gets all those crowded thoughts off your head, off your plate. However, journaling can sometimes trigger painful thoughts like you're talking about, and reminders. So it's important to use discretion and feel free to stop journaling at any time if it becomes too difficult. Just

Brad:

That's important.

Morgan:

Keep in touch with yourself.

Brad:

Yeah, that's important. You don't want to squeeze that cactus too strong, but it's still going to help you capitalizing. It's important to supplement journaling with therapy. It does not replace the value, the valuable help of a trained professional counselor.

Morgan:

Right? That's important.

Brad:

Yeah. It's not a supplement supplements. It's not a replacement. And another thing you need to do with this is take action. If journaling has helped you identify an unhealthy influence or pattern in your life, take steps to confront this issue in a healthy, productive way to incite positive change in your life.

Morgan:

And that's one thing that a counselor can do as well, help you to take those steps and to iron out what to do next. And another is finding closure. Journaling is an excellent way to close a chapter of the past and move forward with peace and clarity. Dr. Pennebaker says that as a rule, if a person can express their feelings about the past and see the events in a different light, he or she will mentally rehearse it less often, so it'll be less intrusive.

Brad:

And that's important, Morgan. It does help you find closure. I want to share a story real quick with a couple I've worked with. This is a situation where the wife was betrayed and the husband wanted to leave and she began to journal. And I'm really proud of her because I've seen a lot of people lose her Cool in that type of situation. And she said what helped her not lose her cool was she began to journal. She began to write. Instead of venting to other people and doing all that and trying to get ahold of him, she began to journal. And that really helped her just get this out of her system. So this journaling, it's very valuable.

Morgan:

And something that we've mentioned in the past that some people find very helpful is they might write it down on paper and take it out in the backyard and burn it or dig it in the fireplace and have a, let's get rid of this, these feelings, bonfire

Brad:

And Morgan, that's important. I'm glad you're bringing that up because people when they do journal and you really want to destroy it after you write it and you can destroy it by burning it, tying it to a balloon and watching it float away, that's a

Morgan:

Good one.

Brad:

And there's a psychological effect where it's getting lifted off your shoulders, you're beginning to feel better. And with journaling, you can also write prayers out to God. You can also write that person who's betrayed you a letter. You can write the affair, partner a letter, but don't send those types of letters. I had somebody that one time journaled and she said, those letters you're supposed to write, but not send 'em to anybody while I did.

Morgan:

Oh gosh.

Brad:

And all this, it was really bad because they had, shortly after that, there was a family wedding and this was a family member, and it really kind caused a big stink and a big fuss. You're going to say some things that you need to be very honest about. These are not the type of things that you need to give to somebody or let somebody else see. So after you write it, I think it's best to destroy it. I've also journaled, and I've used this just sometimes with daily stress, and I left it on the kitchen table every time I walked by it in the kitchen table for a week. I was just annoyed. I just saw it and it triggered where I got really annoyed. So if you do this and you really should, you need to destroy it or put it in a place that nobody can find it, and good ways to destroy, it's to burn it, cut it up, flush it down the toilet, or tie it to a balloon and watch it float away. And there's a psychological effect where you're seeing it go and you feel released, and it does help you feel better.

And maybe those feelings will come back, maybe be less intense, keep journaling again. It's going to help you with that. And so that's really important. You need to at least try journaling a few times before you just roll it out completely.

Morgan:

Good points.

Brad:

Morgan, the other topic I want to discuss today, and this is very helpful, is depression. After someone's betrayed, there can be a lot of depression, obviously, and for most people there is significant amounts of depression and also depression can lead to somebody having an affair. Sometimes the betrayer was depressed,

Maybe not major depression, but at least a mild depression. We've seen that quite a lot. Yeah, we have. And here's how depression can play out in your relationship. The depressed partner will typically withdraw out of the relationship because they're depressed. The other person, the non-depressed partner, will feel frustrated and powerless to make a difference. And they will respond usually with frustration and criticism, which makes the depression worse. And depression can feed the negative cycle in that relationship. So if you're depressed, the more critical you become or the more you'll withdraw. And many depressed people want to change their surroundings, and that sometimes means leaving the marriage. And depression is common right before an affair. It's a precursor to an affair. And so people who are depressed tend to be critical and irritable or they're withdrawn and they shut down. And how if you're married to someone who has depression, the most common way that that spouse is described is they're lazy. That's the best description that's given of them.

Morgan:

And sometimes we've heard where people, they sometimes seek an antidote to their depression because their mood is so low and the chemicals are so low. Sometimes an affair can pull them out of that depression for a temporary time.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. Limerence depressed, you meet somebody, it feels good because

Morgan:

Those chemicals

Brad:

That

Morgan:

Are released in the brain, it kind

Brad:

Of exactly

Morgan:

Takes away the depression for a time. So they become somewhat addicted to it sometimes.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. There's also, now, if you're depressed or if your spouse is depressed, you need to know that being critical and judgmental makes it harder for your spouse or partner to recover. And 50 to 70% of all mothers suffer from postpartum depression. Wow, that's a high number there. Yeah. That's really high depression. It disrupts sleep and sexual desire. And many times conflict is simply caused because one of the spouses is depressed, they're critical, they're irritable or they're withdrawn. And so also there are, when someone is depressed, they have a hard time expressing their needs. They have a hard time accepting anything

Morgan:

From

Brad:

Their partner, and that's really important.

Morgan:

That is right. And so kind of the symptoms of depression, a few of them are difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions. Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness, persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that just don't ease with treatment. Fatigue and decreased energy, feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness, feelings of hopelessness and or pessimism. Sometimes people say they have insomnia or early morning wakefulness or issues with excessive sleeping. There's irritability and restlessness like you had talked about, loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex overeating and appetite loss. And of course, we're not diagnosing anyone. These are just some symptoms that people who are depressed, they do experience.

Brad:

And if you're depressed, obviously getting help for that is really important. And it's important to remember that depression is common. If you have it, you're not weak, you're human, and it's treatable.

Morgan:

There's different types of depression, so there are some that need medication and some that Some are just situational, right?

Brad:

Yeah. And exactly. And part of this is getting help. Depression is common, is treatable. Here's some things that you can do that may be helpful. One of those is professional help. If you're depressed and it's causing you to have an affair, you may need professional help. If you're also depressed after your partner's affair and that depression isn't lifting, you may need professional

Brad:

Help.

Brad:

And so here's some things that you can do. One of those is just taking a warm bath. Warm water helps with depression.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

That's important.

Morgan:

Yeah.

Brad:

Physical activity. You need to get moving. You need to go to the gym, even going with your spouse or a friend going, walking. But physical activity will help with depression, and that's huge.

Morgan:

We talked about journaling as well,

Brad:

Right? Yeah. Journaling will help with depression and finding ways of connecting with your spouse. If you can do that around physical activity, that's great. If your spouse is too depressed and they don't want to walk with you, give them the room to have that ability to say, no, I don't want to walk right now.

Morgan:

And don't believe that always. It's personal. Depression is not really personal typically.

Brad:

And that's what people typically, they feel like, gosh, why are you upset? Why are you this way? I can't shake you out of this many times. What

Morgan:

Did I do wrong?

Brad:

Yeah, what did I do wrong? Cause you always blah, blah, blah. You always acted this way. And the non-depressed spouse will feel like it's personal when really it's not. They're really stuck in a very depressive state. And so what's really neat is how getting a pet can help people who are depressed feel better. Many times people who are depressed connect better with animals and with people. So getting a pet is helpful.

Morgan:

Interesting. Yeah. Accepting appreciation and giving appreciation back to your spouse. This can be hard. You need to practice small things. Often express appreciation after appreciation at least one time a day or the first week. So expressing appreciation.

Brad:

Appreciation is important.

Morgan:

It's very helpful

Brad:

Because if you're depressed, you're typically critical of yourself and you have negative thoughts. And so hearing somebody else appreciate you, it's really important. Another thing is just check in with each other. Ask how each other's days are going. Discuss how events are going. Listen, don't judge. Don't try to give advice and fix. Just listen. And also, Morgan, I like what you said about appreciating, but another thing is encourage your spouse to have dreams and to follow them. Encourage them to have goals. And because depressed spouses typically don't feel like they're entitled to have any dreams, depressed, people often don't feel like they can voice their dreams because they don't feel like they deserve to have any dreams.

Morgan:

Gosh.

Brad:

And so encourage your spouse to follow their dreams and to have 'em and have fun together. You need to go out and have fun together. You're trying to go on it and have a good time. Don't be cranky and mean. Don't run the mood.

Morgan:

Try not to at

Brad:

Least. But yeah, go out and have fun together. That's really important.

Morgan:

Get around friends and family are supportive and connect with them. Getting around anyone will help you. You can't be isolated. It just adds to the depression.

Brad:

And Morgan, that's really good advice because most of the time depression follows a feeling of loss and isolation. So if you can get around people that'll help.

Morgan:

And it's a deep introspection that is negative.

Brad:

Exactly.

Morgan:

So set priorities and simplify tasks to reduce the stress, make it simple and just make time for activities you enjoy. Get about eight hours of sleep a night, so enough sleep can help, but don't get too much sleep. Try to get out of bed, eat more healthy foods and take vitamin D. That can be very helpful.

Brad:

Yeah, Morgan, you're right about that. With getting eight hours of sleep a night, this is really interesting. The lack of sleep is the basis of all mood disorders.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

And they did some studies on this. If you go 30 days without eight hours every night, if you go 30 days without eight hours of sleep every night, that could trigger major depression. And they've done studies on this where if you don't have any stimulants like energy drinks or caffeine and you got six hours of sleep for 30 days, most people would be very depressed. But of course in our culture, we're taking caffeine and stimulants and coffee and different things like that, energy drinks. So we're not seeing, we may not have that quite that impact, but if you didn't have any of that, you would be. And so it's really important just to take that, to get enough sleep. 60 minutes did a special some years ago, or they did a topic on lack of sleep, a show on lack of sleep. And what they discovered was, what they reported was if you go six days without eight hours of sleep, if you get six hours of sleep or seven hours, you're in a pre-diabetic state. That's right. If you only go a week, and they did lab rats where if they didn't get sleep for a week, it killed them.

Morgan:

So

Brad:

Sleep is really important to our health. We don't know a whole lot about it, but we do know that the basis of mood disorders is really a lack of sleep. And so getting enough sleep is really important.

Morgan:

So don't medicate yourself with caffeine. That's a big problem.

Brad:

And getting enough sleep and really eating, like you mentioned, healthy foods, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, taking vitamin E, like you said,

Morgan:

They talk about St. John's wart as well for depression. That's very helpful.

Brad:

Fish oil, St. John's Wart, those are some things. If medication isn't something you want to do, those are natural alternatives. And again, set goals for yourself. Someone once said, happiness is the pursuit of a goal moving forward, having something that you're working towards, it creates those positive endorphins. You're feeling happy working towards a goal, and again, get professional help

Morgan:

And having a secure base with one that you love, your spouse really helps. If you guys can work together, you can really defeat depression. There's a lot that you can do.

Brad:

And Morgan, let me say this, we're out of time, but let me say this. One of the most important things that you can do with depression is to get treatment. Part of what we're talking about is overcoming trauma. I heard this from someone, I can't give our listeners who said this, but they were talking about how effective treating trauma is. They said it's 10 times more effective if you go to individual therapy than if you just take medication for it.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

And so get individual help. If you have it, it's not going to go away on its own. You're not weak. Everybody has dealt with it at some point in their life. It's understandable that you're going to have depression after an affair, get help for it.

Morgan:

And couples counseling is also very helpful for relieving depression,

Brad:

Of course. And in fact, that's one of the best ways to relieve depression

Morgan:

Because how much better would it be to have your spouse there hearing where you're coming from, hearing what's happening for you, so that when you leave the counselor's office, you have someone there to work it out with you to be there as a support system. It's huge. In some ways, it can be just as helpful, if not more helpful than individual counseling because you do have a partner there to work through with you.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed at healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing Broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice. I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.

Ep 14: Romantic Love After Infidelity: Is It Possible To Have Romance Again? How Should We Handle Romance After They Cheated? Ways To Get The Romance Back.

Brad:

There's literally hundreds of things, thousands of things that you can do. It's just changing up the routine, doing new and different things. Obviously having children, they're great blessing, but don't let children and not having a babysitter keep you from doing new and exciting things and spicing up the romance that you guys have.

Morgan:

You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and fair recovery expert. If you're wanting to heal your marriage, this podcast is for you, and we're officially on episode number 14 where we're talking about how do we rekindle romantic love after infidelity, and that's a very important question. So before I move on, I want to remind you that you can go to healing broken trust.com/episode 14, that's the number 14, and download your free resources to go along with this episode. It's going to really help you in expediting your change, so go to healing Broken trust.com/episode 14. And now let's go to our radio show recording of how to rekindle romantic love.

Brad:

Morgan, I want to move on to how to rekindle romantic love when it's lost. This is kind of related to a listener question that we had, so that's why I wanted to get into this.

Morgan:

Do you want me to read the question?

Brad:

Yeah.

Morgan:

So a person wrote in and they said, I've been listening to you talk about falling out of love. I've been married to my spouse for 20 years. I would like to know how to fall back into love with my spouse.

Brad:

Okay, that's a great question. Part of this listener is really, it's doing these things that we talked about last week on the show on how to fall out of love and thank you for contacting us, but there's also, even if you're married and you're not an affair on how to develop romantic love, well, this comes from Helen Fisher, her book, why We Love came out in 2004, and she's an anthropologist who has studied the brain and she has discovered that, and it's really simple. She has discovered that when we do new, exciting and different activities with our spouse, those exciting experiences enhances feelings of attraction, and so this is very important when we do new, exciting different experiences together. New and different is the key here.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

It enhances feelings of attraction, so when you do something with your spouse, that gives you a feeling of danger, it stimulates adrenaline, as Helen Fisher pointed out, makes us feel closer and more romantic with our spouse. So doing new, exciting and different activities elevates the level of dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is the chemical associated with romantic love, and research has pointed out that couples who do exciting general pumping activities as compared to less stimulating who do more normal activities

Morgan:

Get stuck

Brad:

In ways. Yeah, the routine, so people who do more adrenaline, exciting activities, they have increased feelings and more intense feelings of romantic love than those who just get stuck in their routines

Morgan:

And happiness. General happiness.

Brad:

Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad you point that out. They have more just a general happiness, and so this can work even if you're the only one trying to work on the marriage. I had a lady come in occasionally. We see individuals who come in and we're happy with anybody who wants to work on the marriage. She was the only one that was able to, she took her husband to an exciting event and he had an affair and he was ready to leave. This helped them just spark that romantic love again and helped him to make up his mind that he wanted to stay. It doesn't have to be things that are expensive. It could be just trying a different restaurant, different part of town. It doesn't have to be things expensive,

Morgan:

Going to a new duck pond, which is something we like to do.

Brad:

Yeah, we like to go to duck ponds and feed the ducks bread in town. It's just simple. If you go to a gas station and get bread, it's four bucks. You learn that just so you know, just you know, if you go get a grocery store, it's cheaper, but it doesn't have to be expensive. When you're doing these new, exciting, different activities, it elevates the level of dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is the chemical associated with romantic love, and research is pointed out that couples who do that are happier, so this can work if you're the only one trying to work on the relationship, invite your spouse to join you in something risky and exciting. Maybe travel overnight or travel out of the country. Go bungee jumping, river rafting. Even trying a new restaurant doesn't have to be these big crazy things. Doesn't have, it doesn't have to be that at all. It could be just, let's try instead of watching tv, let's get out the board game. Doing something at the last minute, like going to a sports game or going to the movies at the last minute or swimming after the sun goes down.

Morgan:

Oh, that's fun.

Brad:

It's important to understand that anything rousing and unusual has the potential to trigger romantic love. Anything that gives you a feeling of new different that works. Anything that releases adrenaline that's exciting,

Brad:

Maybe

Brad:

A little bit dangerous, that also releases that, and that's also Morgan. Why when people are first in love, when people first meet, there's so much in love because everything's new and different and they go on dates. It's new experiences, new things that are different, and that's why also people usually when they're on vacation, they report that's probably their best times together.

Morgan:

It takes me back to our first date. It really does. Thinking about

Brad:

That,

Morgan:

Yeah,

Brad:

I remember that. It was supposed to last an hour and a half and it lasted 10 hours.

Morgan:

We

Brad:

Had a lot of fun.

Morgan:

We had a lot of random funness, so that was great,

Brad:

And so here's some other ideas. These are just ideas, just a handful. If you see something on the side of the road that's interesting, just pull off and go explore. You don't have anywhere to be, just go look at it. Going to the gun range together. Oh, that's fun. That's different and exciting.

Morgan:

Love to do that.

Brad:

Just dangerous. Swimming in the backyard at night. We talked about that, taking a last minute trip somewhere, and instead of going to a normal movie and a dinner, maybe just watching a movie in the backyard. Create your own little projector. Yeah,

Morgan:

Put a sheet

Brad:

Up. Put a sheet up. Yeah. There's literally hundreds of things, thousands of things that you can do. It's just changing up the routine, doing new and different things. Obviously having children, they're great blessing, but don't let children and not having a babysitter keep you from doing new and exciting things and spicing up the romance that you guys have.

Morgan:

Right?

Brad:

Part of this is if your spouse is falling out of love with you, let me say this, you don't necessarily have to intentionally be to fall back in love with you. What I mean is if you want them to fall in love with you, do not try to be overtly romantic.

Don't go have a candlelight dinner to music plane and try to create romance that way. Create romantic feeling, that romantic love feeling by just doing new and exciting things that it's a little bit more, it's not as in your face, it's not as obvious that you're trying to do that, but it's funner as well. So if you try to do something, you have these. It's more, I worked with a couple where the husband had fallen out of love and the wife was trying to recreate romantic love, and what this does is if you focus on, he was no longer in love with her.

Brad:

He

Brad:

Didn't want to be married to her. She was trying to get him to love her back, and so she wanted to take him to romantic dinner, and all that does is if you take somebody to romantic dinner that doesn't love you and that's wanting to leave you and you take 'em to romantic dinner, all they're thinking about is how much they don't love you anymore

Morgan:

During this

Brad:

Romantic. Yeah, it drives 'em nuts because they're thinking, I don't love this person.

Morgan:

Why are we at this romantic

Brad:

Dinner? Why are we here? I don't feel this way, and it actually pushes 'em further away. But if you do something new, different, unusual, it will help them recreate that romantic love, reconnect and reconnect. But if you try to do it more obvious like that, all they're thinking is, I don't feel this way towards you, and it actually pushes 'em further away. You take 'em somewhere that's different, new and exciting. Focus on that. Don't focus on trying to be romantic. If you focus on what's new, exciting and different, you're going to create romantic love as a

Morgan:

Byproduct.

Brad:

As a byproduct, but if you focus on getting romantic love and getting your spouse to love you back only by doing what are conventional romantic things, they're not going to love you back. In fact, and you tell 'em, you love me, do you love me back? You tell 'em things like that, you're just pushing 'em away

Morgan:

And they're going to say no.

Brad:

Yeah,

Morgan:

And that's going to work. That's going to feel worse.

Brad:

But what you're doing is you're doing kind of normal activities, normal everyday activities, so to speak, and then they're going to discover that they love you on their own and that's the best way and that's the best way. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed at healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.

Ep 20: Your Mind Plays Tricks On You and Replacing Destructive Thoughts

Brad:

You have to really sort this out. It's not fair to say all affairs are this way

Morgan:

And we're not diagnosing anyone as

Brad:

Well. No, we're not. But you need to have a well-rounded picture of this. It's not fair to completely take responsibility for it, the climate of the marriage, and it's not fair to blame somebody else for all that either

Morgan:

For the a hundred percent of it, right?

Brad:

Yeah.

Morgan:

You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert. If you're wanting to heal your relationship, this podcast is for you. We are officially on podcast episode number 20, and we're addressing challenging false beliefs by talking about the myths that are holding you back from recovering from the affair and keeping you from being able to heal and really reach that post-traumatic growth that you really deserve. And if you haven't yet, go to healing broken trust.com/episode 20. That's the number 20, healing broken trust.com/episode 20. Download those free resources that are the supplement to this episode. And let's get started. You are listening to Brad and Morgan Robinson and we're talking about how to recover from an affair. Now, Brad, remind our listeners what we're talking

Brad:

About. We are talking about destructive thought patterns that individuals have after they've been betrayed or after they've had an affair. The reason we're talking about these destructive thought patterns is because it can really hold up an individual or a couple's ability to recover, to heal from an affair. And so what we're doing and what we've done the last few shows is talking about identifying these negative thought patterns and providing replacement alternatives or antidotes to these types of thought patterns.

Morgan:

And

Brad:

That's what we're working on. This next one here is abusive labeling. With abusive labeling. Individuals give themselves a label or name as though a single word could describe a person completely. For example, to say I'm a loser means that I'm always and in every way a loser. Obviously this isn't fair or true. Children often internalized spoken or unspoken messages. For example, a child who is repeatedly molested comes to think of himself just as a sex object, a whore, even in adulthood. So the antidote to thinking about this abusive labeling is to rate behavior, experience but not people. So you want to think that was a really difficult experience for me instead of I'm bad.

Morgan:

And so the antidote is a replacement thought.

Brad:

And oftentimes that's what people do is they've been sexually abused. Sometimes they start to feel like, I'm bad. If people really got to know me, they wouldn't like me. And that's really destructive. And here's another example of thought distortions and rebuttals related to the trauma of infidelity. Notice that labels can be levied at other people as well, which is common in anger reactions to reduce another human being to an always and in every way label is just as inaccurate and unfair as doing it to yourself even if it feels justified. And so sometimes what we do when we've been betrayed is we label the other person as always and in every way a bad person or a cheater, and that's not true. And that can hinder our ability to recover. And so here's some core beliefs that people have when they adopt this abusive labeling mindset. One of these core beliefs is I'm damaged goods, I'm worthless.

Morgan:

And what they want to do is replace that thought with I was cheated on. I am more than this. So it's putting that label onto the event and not the person.

Brad:

Exactly. Another core belief is I'm a workaholic. I know why she cheated on me.

Morgan:

And a replacement thought for that is I was doing the best with what I knew at the time. I made some bad choices.

Brad:

Another core belief is I am bad for cheating on my partner.

Morgan:

And an antidote or a replacement thought would be I reached a low point of depression and didn't have anyone to talk to. So those are basically some replacement thoughts for the core beliefs that are directed towards the individual instead of the situation. And the next one is personalizing. This is seeing oneself as more responsible or involved with a given situation than he or she really is. The antidote to this is to see things accurately. So separate influences from causes, figure out how much responsibility is truly yours and keep what is beyond your control outside of your boundaries.

Brad:

Basically. When people personalize, when they take too much responsibility for a situation, what they oftentimes can believe, especially with an affair, is it's all my fault that I was cheated on. I must have asked for it because of the way I treated my spouse. I deserve this.

Morgan:

And the way to kind of combat that core belief is a replacement thought that goes kind of like this is a faulty way to try to make sense of an affair. No one deserves to be cheated on. Not treating your spouse as well as you should is not the same as asking to be cheated on the cause was the partner, not me. I'm not responsible for the affair, only my recovery. I'm responsible for my actions, which in part created the climate of our marriage, but my partner's responsible for their own actions as I am with mine and I didn't have an affair. So it's a new way to think about that core belief

Brad:

That's a good healthy, I believe, a replacement thought for that core belief. Morgan, another core belief is there must be something about me that invited the cheating or caused my wife to do it.

Morgan:

And the better way to think about the situation is perhaps I could learn to be a better listener and be more affectionate, but a lack of these skills does not justify being cheated on affairs happen for reasons outside of my influence.

Brad:

I think that's a good way of looking at it. Another core belief that people have when personalizing an affair is, why did this happen to me? Why was I singled

Morgan:

Out? And so the world is not for or against us, both bad and good things happen to people

Brad:

And like Jesus said, it rains on the good and the bad. It rains on the just and the unjust. So life kind of happens for everybody. Another core belief is in an argument, a boyfriend tells his girlfriend, you are either for me or against me.

Morgan:

And a replacement thought that combats that is partners will inevitably disagree about issues. That doesn't mean she's against me. Just my idea.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. And sometimes people have a hard time differentiating that we can disagree with your ideas. That doesn't mean we're disagreeing and we don't love you or you. And that's really important. Another core belief that goes along with personalizing is if I worry enough about the affair, I can keep it from happening again.

Morgan:

And a replacement thought is this is trying to be responsible for too much. I accept that I cannot have total control. All I can have is responsibility for what I can control instead of worrying and staying aroused, I will make a good action plan. I'll do my best and then I'll release the worry.

Brad:

Yeah, that's good.

Morgan:

Let it go.

Brad:

Morgan. Another type of thought process that's very negative and very destructive that keeps couples from healing, whether as an individual or as the couple themselves is really blaming. And blaming is the opposite of personalizing.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

And this is really common, and you see this a lot on fair recovery websites where the people who've been betrayed completely don't own up to any sort of responsibility on what the climate of the marriage was like. There's therapists that condone that say, yeah, you had no responsibility for what the marriage was like. And so this person acted on their own and they have no reason to cheat. And if they say they were unhappy in the marriage, they're just saying that because they got caught in the marriage with an affair

Morgan:

And they just want to blame you. And that's not completely accurate at

Brad:

All. And so really it's personalizing it and then blaming, taking no responsibility for where their marriage was at. Sure you didn't put a gun to their head and say, betray me. But at the same time, the marriage may not have been in a good place. And so that's a really tricky area because sometimes the people are really unhappy in the marriage and they're burned out. They may not be looking for a way out, but they're unhappy with it. They're not feeling satisfied, certainly not emotionally close to their spouse. So there's vulnerabilities there that create this kind of opportunity that allow this kind of opportunity to happen.

Morgan:

And we're not saying that you are the reason that they cheated because they still made the decision for themselves, but the climate of the marriage could have been poor. And it opens the door to these.

Brad:

They were beat up by the negative cycle. And the other thing is there's times where people are really, I would say, in what appears to be a great marriage and affairs still happen and that individual may be a sex addict. That individual may be somebody who is a flander who just believes it's morally okay, this is just what guys do. This is just what girls do. Okay. So that's when this kind of stuff can happen. You have to really sort this out. It's not fair to say all affairs are this way

Morgan:

And we're not diagnosing anyone as

Brad:

Well. No, we're not. But you need to have a well-rounded picture of this. It's not fair to completely take responsibility for it, the climate of the marriage. And it's not fair to blame somebody else for all that either

Morgan:

For the a hundred percent of it, right?

Brad:

Yeah. And so I'm going to get back to this. So blaming is another type of thought distortion that people get into that either as the betrayer or as the one who's been betrayed really keeps them from moving forward. And betrayers can get in the blaming. I've seen that happen. And that's not a pretty picture because good luck trying to recover. You got somebody suffering from symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder and major pain, and then you're going to go around and start blaming them for why you had an affair. That's destructive. That's very destructive. And that happens. So blaming, that's the opposite of personalizing. And while personalizing individuals, they will place all the responsibility on themselves for their difficulties. Blaming puts it all on an outside person or factor.

Morgan:

So some examples, he treats me so miserably, he's ruined my life and my self-esteem. Another one, I'm stressed out today because talking to my parents makes me cringe. He doesn't know how much he has hurt me.

Brad:

Yeah. Now Morgan, the problem with blaming like catastrophizing, which we talked about earlier, is that it tends to make people think of themselves as helpless victims who are too feeble to cope. Blaming keeps us stuck in the past and we are powerless because the past is unchangeable,

Morgan:

Right? And the antidote to blaming is to acknowledge outside influences, but to take responsibility for your own welfare. I see how these things have influenced me and challenge me. Now I commit to get back on track and move on for present stressors. We might think nothing makes me do anything. Nothing makes me do anything, right? I choose how I respond.

Brad:

And Morgan, I'm glad you said that. I think that's a really powerful thought replacement or an antidote to the blaming is nothing makes me do anything. I choose my responses. Even when I get really angry when somebody says something hurtful, I still chose that response. And I think that's really important. Even when you stub your toe and curse words come out or if you burn yourself or there's other options that are there, you're choosing that kind of response. And I'm glad you said that. That's really powerful.

Morgan:

Thank you. The next one we were talking about here is unfavorable comparisons. In the case of unfavorable comparisons, a person magnifies another's strengths and their own weaknesses while minimizing the other's faults and their own strengths. So by comparison, he or she feels inadequate or inferior. For example, a betrayed husband may think his wife's affair partner is a talented person. He makes so much money. He was even on the news the other night, me, I'm just a carpenter, I could never make the money he does. Ever since my wife compared sex with me, I can't help but feel like he's a better lover. Sure, I have wonderful friends and I'm active in the homeless shelter. And it's true that her affair partner has a drinking problem, but his kids are really struggling. But I feel like my wife would rather be with him. So minimizing his own strengths and looking at the other guy's strengths.

Brad:

Morgan, that's a really very common one as well. And this is really important. A way to challenge this kind of distortion is to ask this question, why must I compare? Why can't I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses. So ask yourself that. Why must I compare? Why can't I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses. Another person's strengths are not necessarily better or just different. And someone humorously noted that doctors have more status than garbage collectors, but one wonders who does more for public health. So most of the time we function better and with less stress when we focus on doing our personal best and not drawing on comparisons.

Morgan:

And that is very difficult. I could imagine.

Brad:

Yeah, it

Morgan:

Is for a betrayed partner.

Brad:

And Morgan, another type of thought distortion that individuals and couples can have is really regrets. There is obviously going to be a period after an affair where you regret how you were in the marriage that created this climate, whether as the individual who's been betrayed or the betrayer, you're going to have going to regret that. But if you're there a year later,

Brad:

Two

Brad:

Years later, there's some significant issues there. And so with regrets, someone is looking back and they're thinking, if only I hadn't or if I would've tried harder beyond a period of introspection where mistakes are acknowledged and courses are corrected, regrets are unproductive because people can't go back and change the past,

Morgan:

Right? You can't.

Brad:

And let me say this though, I want to be a little balanced here. If you're the betrayer, you need to show you that you're regretful. There is a period of introspection. There is a period where you are owning up to hurtful actions. You're caring for the pain and you're deeply ashamed of this. Your spouse, your partner that you cheated on needs to see that to begin to heal and needs to know that you're really sorry about that. I'm not talking about that kind of regret. I'm talking about the kind of regret that keeps you thinking and feeling like I mentioned a moment ago, a year into this, two years into this, three years into this, five years into this where you're thinking, I am a horrible person.

Morgan:

And that keeps you from moving forward and helping your spouse to move forward and heal.

Brad:

Yeah, I'm talking about the kind of regret that keeps a person very depressed, that I have seen make people become suicidal. That's the kind of regret I'm talking about.

Brad:

That's

Brad:

Very unproductive regret. That is regret to an extreme. That is very unhealthy. Now, there is a type of regret that's very helpful in helping your partner heal, helping your spouse heal. So yeah,

Morgan:

And regrets are another way to reject our imperfections.

Brad:

We

Morgan:

Might beat ourselves up thinking, I deserve to be punished for that. What we actually deserve is the opportunity to try again, improve and learn from the mistakes we can think. I've learned from mistakes in the past, and I can do that again. That was then, and this is now.

Brad:

And that's a good way to look at it is I've learned from mistakes in the past, and I can do so again. I can learn from this. I learn from other things and even tell yourself, that was then. This is now. And that may not be very reassuring. If you've cheated on your spouse and you're telling them that is, look, I've learned from a mistakes that was then this is now. I'm not doing it anymore. Want to, your spouse is going to need, that's minimizing.

Morgan:

You don't want to dismiss their feelings. There needs to be some level of regret shown,

Brad:

But

Morgan:

Not a regret that keeps you introspective and forgets about your spouse.

Brad:

And really, Morgan, I'm trying to share this with individuals because I don't want them getting to that place of deep depression

Brad:

Because

Brad:

That can hinder emotional connection. And obviously I don't want 'em to be suicidal. And now you're going to have regret, and you may have that for a while and some of that can be healthy. But when you get into more of that extreme regret, you're beating yourself up and it's turning into self hatred.

Morgan:

And

Brad:

It's with you not just immediately after the affair is discovered, but it's with you much longer. It's really destructive. It's very unhealthy. And so Morgan, there's different ways of dealing with regret regarding difficult experiences from our past. And one of those is to really tell yourself. And mistake isn't usually a deliberate act. What did I want or intend to happen? What was I wanting or intending to happen here? Was I just wanting someone to talk to and it crossed boundaries? That kind of thing.

Morgan:

Was I just trying to be a friendly, nice person? And they mistook where an affair with a

Brad:

Coworker who misread how I was coming across a mistake isn't usually a deliberate act. What did I intend or want to happen if it was an honest mistake? You need to think to yourself, this could have happened to many people,

Morgan:

To anyone.

Brad:

And you also need to ask yourself, what did I learn that could prevent this from happening again? So you want to focus on remedial action. What did I learn that could prevent this from happening again, focus on being proactive as a way to repair. And another follow up thought is, how much was I actually responsible for that were factors beyond my control

Morgan:

Or were there, yeah,

Brad:

Yeah, were there factors beyond my control? And so that's important. What good things are result of this outcome? What is the possible silver lining here? And most marriages do rebuild after an affair. They do get stronger. And what's the possible silver lining here? So that's important to ask yourself that. And you also want to ask yourself, will there be more chances to learn better approaches, new skills, ways to grow?

Brad:

And

Brad:

That's something you need to ask yourself, Morgan, those thoughts, those comments they came from, they were developed by the founders of the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation. Those are some questions that they use to help people deal with this regret that they have after stressful situations. Honestly, it's really important to turn questions into statements when analyzing self-talk. So for example, asking, why can't I get over this that keeps injured spouses aroused and provides no resolution when change to the statement, I can't get over this. The fortune telling error becomes obvious. We can then change this to, I'll probably learn how to come to terms with this. And so if you just take it from a question to a statement, it's easier to challenge that sometimes when we just keep these questions in our mind and they're not really challenged, we keep carrying it around and it becomes very destructive. And Morgan, this next part I want to go over, we've covered several different types of thought distortions that individuals have. Now, these are common beliefs, core beliefs that individuals have after an affair. And I want to go over these and give our listeners thought replacements that they can take if they've been betrayed or if they've betrayed their spouse. And so the core belief that people have after an affair sometimes is, I am weak.

Morgan:

So they want to consider a replacement thought to that thought of I'm weak. Instead say I'm a combination of weaknesses and strengths. I'm strengthening the weaker areas. I'm doing my best.

Brad:

I like that. I like that because it's positive. It's focused on what you have control over. It's focused on remedial actions. It's proactive. I'm strengthening the weaker areas. Another core belief that people have that keeps 'em stuck in healing is my weaknesses and flaws will be exposed. How horrible is this?

Morgan:

Right? And a way to think about that differently. Everyone is fallible. Each person has flaws. To have them exposed makes me human. That's not awful. It's just life. Actually, some flaws are endearing.

Brad:

And another core belief that people can have that's very destructive is my worth equals my behavior during the time I found out and dealt with the affair. And what I mean by that is sometimes people equate to how stressful this time was in the affair, whether they're being dishonest about it or if they overreacted and got angry and felt humiliated. If they went over, they crossed some lines there. They begin to think, I really lost my cool. They begin to question their ability and their self-worth.

Morgan:

I must be angry all the time.

Brad:

Well, they begin to think I must be crazy.

Morgan:

Oh, yes,

Brad:

Yes. That kind of thing.

Morgan:

So a replacement thought to that, my worth as a unique individual is far too complex to reduce to isolated times in my life. Mistakes reflect our development at that time. A mistake does not totally in irrevocably define me as a person.

Brad:

That's true. Another thought distortion that people have that holds 'em up is, I am no good since the

Morgan:

Affair and a replacement, my life does not equal how someone treats me. Let that marinate with you for a little bit.

Brad:

Another core belief that people can have that's very destructive is if I am not respected by others and others do not respect me, I have no value. I cease to exist.

Morgan:

Oh, wow, that's strong. So you want to replace that with nobody's opinion determines my worth. Nobody's opinion determines my worth.

Brad:

Another core belief that people can have is to lose control is awful. After I find out about this affair and I get upset and I get angry and I'm emotional wreck and I'm crying all the time and I can't control my sadness and I can't sleep to lose control is awful, is what people think.

Morgan:

But loss of control is inevitable. Many things in life are beyond my control Sometimes all I can control is the way I look at the loss of control. Paradoxically, to accept loss of control helps me control my stress. I can endure loss of control. I can endure this. And to have emotion to feel, to cry, that's not a bad thing. That shows that you're human, right.

Brad:

Morgan, another core belief that people have that's really a distortion is I shouldn't need to work at recovery. I shouldn't need help. I should be able to cope like normal people. And that's what I believed after I got betrayed was I can handle this on my own. I should be strong enough to handle this on my own. I don't need to go talk to somebody about this. And it was very damaging.

Morgan:

Yeah, it is

Brad:

Put on a lot of weight after that.

Morgan:

Right? And the way to think about that that's more healthy is I really should be just as I am. No one is entirely okay to seek skilled help. It's okay to be human. It's okay to cry. It's okay to worry. It's very human and very normal, and we all do it. And if anybody says they don't, they're not telling you the truth.

Brad:

And Morgan, another core belief that people can have after they've been betrayed is if I don't worry, it will more than likely happen. So I got to be on guard and I have to keep us

Morgan:

At a distance.

Brad:

Yeah, I got to be vigilant about this and I got to keep us because the person who cheated on me sure isn't thinking about my feelings and my thoughts. So I got to be vigilant,

Morgan:

Vigilant,

Brad:

Vigilant, thank you. Because the person who cheated on me isn't thinking about me. And so if I'm not worrying about us, it's more likely going to happen again.

Morgan:

Right? Definitely being vigilant definitely keeps your spouse at arm's length, but you want to think, since most bad things don't happen, I'm just reinforcing this belief instead of worrying, I'll make a good plan, take responsible precautions like investing in myself and our relationship and remain cautious, but relaxed, and we're almost to the end of time.

Brad:

Yeah. Another core belief is if I obtain perfection, nothing fearful will happen. If I'm perfect, nothing bad will happen,

Morgan:

Right? And perfection is not possible. So replace that thought with perfection is not possible. Trying to attain it will just keep me frustrated and aroused. I can commit to doing a very good, steady job, but I'm not perfect. And that's okay.

Brad:

Another core belief that people have is bad things won't happen if I'm good enough and careful enough.

Morgan:

Aha. And the way to think of that is rainfalls, the good, the bad, and the InBetween. Some things happen randomly and are not indicative of God's disfavor. The best we can do is to be prepared.

Brad:

And then another core belief distortion is I must always prepare for the worst.

Morgan:

Certain precautionary measures might lessen the likelihood of some negative outcomes. Constant worry doesn't help. I'd rather take responsible or reasonable, intelligent, thorough precautions and then release the worries. We can only do what we can do. It's the best that we can do, and that's all we can really ask for.

Brad:

Exactly. Morgan, you're listening to Brad and Morgan Robinson and we're talking about how to recover from an affair. Thank you for listening. Have a great week. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed at healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.

Ep 69: 3 Things You Need If You're Feeling Stuck