Ep 10: Why People Cheat, What Makes A Cheater?, What Leads To Infidelity? Why Did This Happen To You?
Brad:
Affairs happened when someone closes a door to their spouse and they open a door to someone else. I'm no longer communicating with you because this negative cycle has beat me up where I'm not asking for my wants and needs.
Morgan:
You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs and fidelity trust and cheating in your relationship. If you're wanting to heal your marriage, this podcast is for you. We're on episode 10. We're talking about why do people cheat, why do they cheat? And I think that this one is pretty straightforward. But before we get started, I want to remind you to go to healing broken trust.com/episode 10. That's healing broken trust.com/episode, the number 10, episode 10, and download those free resources that will really help you to walk through this process to truly heal from what you're going through right now. So let's jump into episode 10 and learn why people cheat on our show. We've talked about the different types of affairs, but there is still this looming question of why do people cheat? So Brad, you want to begin to answer this question for our listeners?
Brad:
Yeah, Morgan, people cheat. There's three primary reasons why people cheat. The first two are not that common, and the third is extremely common. The first reason is sometimes people cheat because they're sex addicts. They have a compulsive tendency to act out. And like all addictions, it's negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. And what I mean by that, as people get deeper into this, it gets worse and worse over time. The addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. And let me explain that. When somebody has an addiction, it doesn't satisfy what you start out doing in the beginning, typically doesn't satisfy those urges. So somebody can start with pornography and self-pleasure. A lot of people can stay there who are addicts, but most people will begin to escalate into other things where they start acting out with other people, they start going to prostitutes, they start seeing escorts, they start acting it out. And so over time, the addict will intensify their addictive behavior to achieve the same results. And that's where some affairs come from.
Morgan:
So that fantasy must then become a reality to further satisfy that addiction.
Brad:
And if you think about it, they've been basically viewing pornography. They've been viewing and breaking down mental barriers that most people have to an affair.
Brad:
They're
Brad:
Actually mentally rehearsing an affair when they're viewing pornography. Another thing that's going on is the other type of people who have affairs are the philanders. And I would say that's more an attitude than anything else. And this attitude says there may be something, this attitude of flander, they believe that cheating is okay for them to do. It's something that guys or girls do, and it's more of a rationalization. Okay, just as long as you don't get caught. Sometimes this attitude says there's no way a man or woman is supposed to be monogamous.
Morgan:
It's a myth, right?
Brad:
Yeah, it's a myth. You can't be monogamous,
Morgan:
Which is not true. It's not accurate at all. But they believe that.
Brad:
And this kind of attitude can lead to serial cheating and very flirting behavior, especially when their spouse isn't around. The attitude of the philander says there is nothing wrong with it. They may rationalize what they're doing or saying to themselves, as long as I'm not having sex with them or intercourse with them, it's okay. So kissing is okay. Spending time with them is okay. Sharing intimate parts of my life is okay because I'm not doing X, Y, or Z with them. And of course, they may even believe sex is okay too. Just don't get caught. And I've had different people tell me before that they viewed having an affair as a rite of passage. And it's something that men do as a part of growing up, as a part of maturing their certain
Morgan:
Rites of passages,
Brad:
Certain rites of passage.
Morgan:
And that's what we see in TV and movies all the time. Oh, you're a virgin. That's supposed to be some kind of bad thing.
Brad:
But there's people like that. There's attitudes that affect someone to have an affair, and we're going to get into that in a little bit later. But most individuals I work with, I would describe them as someone who's burnt out in their marriage.
Morgan:
So that's the third category.
Brad:
That's the third category.
Morgan:
Most people fit into the third
Brad:
Category, and we're going to spend most of our time talking about that. But these are people who are burnt out and there are attitudes that affect somebody having an affair. And there's those outside influences, family and friends. Have they had an affair? Have your mom and dad had an affair? If they have, you're more likely to have an affair yourself or coworkers cheating. What are coworkers attitudes about infidelity? What was your family's attitude about infidelity, your friend's attitudes about infidelity and pornography? Like we mentioned earlier, when you're viewing pornography, you are mentally rehearsing an affair. Those are outside influences that affect somebody, make it easier for somebody to cheat. Romance novels. Reading that, you're also mentally rehearsing having an affair. A lot of our entertainment, a lot of movies, a lot of different cultural things that we have, they really do not support the idea of monogamy. And they make infidelity attractive. They make it funny, they make it make it okay, a normal part
Morgan:
Of. So society is what they're telling us, which is not true
Brad:
When you're exactly right about that. So those are attitudes. Those are cultural things. Those are outside influences that make it, that can be associated with family, friends, coworkers, viewing pornography, reading, romance novels or entertainment. Even celebrity culture, it makes it easier for somebody to cheat.
I would even say even certain types of jobs make it easier for people to cheat, especially if you travel for a living, you're in certain professions where it's just easier to cheat. And so affairs really start Morgan here, and I want to get into the root of why people cheat. It really starts with the negative cycle that a couple is in. Most couples I would say are not happy if they're having an affair. The exception with that may be the philanders or the sex addicts. I would say almost everybody else, if they're in this burnt out category, they're not happily married. If they're cheating, I wouldn't classify that as a good marriage. And let me explain the negative cycles, because this is where infidelity starts. There are three kinds of negative cycles. There are the first kinds, the most common kind, and this is a negative cycle where the person who's having the affair is a distancer. They are somebody who is more withdrawn, not very emotionally expressive, typically in the relationship. They avoid. They avoid, and they may not start that way in the relationship though they may get to that place because they feel like they don't matter to their spouse.
Morgan:
They don't know how to ask for wants and needs.
Brad:
They don't know how to get. And so they may get to that point with their spouse. So they may not start that at that place of being a er. They may start at a place of being a pursuer
And a pursuer, and you can go through and listen to our recordings on that. We've talked about that before. So go listen to that. Who are pursuers and who are distancers. But pursuers are the ones who fear being abandoned, fear, rejection. They want to be close. And if they don't get it, they'll escalate their attempts for attention and connection into things like blaming, criticizing, demanding, and distancers are people who will kind of shut down emotionally. They will shut down because they don't think engaging with somebody who's upset with them is going to be that productive. And so that's where negative cycles typically start. And that's the most basic kind. And the person who cheats is a distancer. They're the one distancing from connection
Morgan:
To the relationship and their spouse, right?
Brad:
Yeah.
Morgan:
They're more invested in the affair or other things than they are in the relationship at that point, wouldn't you say? Or is that kind of later on?
Brad:
That's later on. But that's true. But that would happen later on. They become more interested in that for right now before the affair even starts. And you can have a pursuer who becomes a distancer. You can have a pursuer who also gets burnt out because they don't feel like they're getting through and they start shutting down emotionally, and then they have their own affairs. So that's where affairs start is that you have a negative cycle. Couples get into, and we've talked about how to get out of negative cycles, we've discussed that. Go listen to that. And so that's where a fair start. Morgan and every relationship has a negative cycle. And that first one, that's the pursuer. Distancer is the most common type of negative cycle. Then there's a negative cycle where couples are basically fighting all the time.
Morgan:
So they're pursuing, pursuing attack. Attack.
Brad:
Yeah. Well, the one who's been distancing feels like they're getting attacked by the pursuer because the pursuer is like, I'm not getting through to you. So they're
Morgan:
Blaming,
Brad:
Criticizing, demanding. It escalates. Then the distancer feels like they're getting their back against the wall, so they'll attack back. But they're primarily a distancer, and so they're just attacking back,
Morgan:
Can't put baby in a corner, right?
Brad:
Yeah. And they may be getting resentful as well. And so that's the second type. Then the third type is really what I would consider a void avoid. And these can be looked at as two different types of situations, but basically what they do is they avoid each other and they can avoid each other. They don't like conflict, they don't like stirring things up. And that can be both of them. So the pursuer, even though they want that connection, they're not really criticizing or blaming because they don't like conflict. So they're stuffing what their feelings are.
Morgan:
And
Brad:
Then the er, they're stuffing what their feelings are and what's going on with them.
Morgan:
And sometimes they think, oh, everything's okay. There's no argument.
Brad:
Well, exactly. They think they're in a strong marriage. And I got to tell you, a lot of people have affairs in this kind of situation
Morgan:
Where one pushing stuffing and they're really not being honest about how they feel.
Brad:
Well, even in the avoid, avoid situation, a lot of people have affairs in that. And then the other type of avoid, avoid affair is an affair where the person who was the original pursuer gets burned out, like I mentioned a moment ago, and they're avoiding, they're distancing, and you have the ER as well. And sometimes the one who was the original pursuer, like I said, they'll get burned out and they'll distance. Then the one who was the original ER will see, oh my gosh, they're pulling away from me. I don't like this much distance between us. Then they can become the pursuer.
Morgan:
So they sort of switch roles.
Brad:
Yeah, they'll switch roles. But basically I'm saying all that to say, well not spend a lot of time on that just to say this. That's where fares start. They start with a negative cycle because a couple does not feel close and people can say they have a good marriage and still have an affair. And I would say for the most part, that's probably hogwash unless there was a sex addiction affair or a flander is affair. And the people who are most likely to say that were probably people who were the avoid, avoid. Well, we never fought,
Morgan:
So we must have had a good relationship, but they weren't close to each other emotionally, they just assumed all relationships were like that. Typically,
Brad:
Yeah, we're good because we don't fight. They may have good communication skills, but they're not really talking about anything
Morgan:
Of significance, of
Brad:
Significance, emotional, their relationship and their feelings. They may be great at communicating about picking up the kids and planning their retirement and things like that, but not what's going on between them as a couple,
Morgan:
That deep emotional intimacy.
Brad:
And so affairs start with the negative cycle. Morgan, this leads into a progression of things that happen. And this doesn't necessarily happen in any chronological order necessarily. These things that I'm discussing, negative cycles create the affairs. Affairs start with a negative cycle, and that leads to the person who's having the affair, who ends up having the affair, feeling like they're burned out, they're tired, they feel beat up by the negative cycle, they end up feeling like they're not good enough for their spouse and because they're tired, because they're burned out, because they're beat up by the negative cycle. They don't ask for their wants and needs.
Morgan:
And I think it's very interesting to point out that you say they're beat up by their negative cycle. A lot of people think well beat up by my spouse, but no, it's beat up by that negative cycle. It's what's happening between you that's wearing you out.
Brad:
What's happening between you that's wearing you out's that negative cycle. And so the spouse will end up not asking for wants and needs. They stop reaching out, they stop communicating. And what happens is resentment develops. Sometimes they're really angry with their spouse, just resentment develops. And that's really important because from there they start feeling alone. They start feeling sad and depressed, they start feeling numb. And what's really happening, Morgan, is they're caring less about their marriage or their relationship and their easy fruit for an affair. And so there's these different things that happen because people get beat up by the negative cycle, resentment develops, start feeling alone, start feeling sad and depressed, start feeling numb, and they're starting to care less about maintaining that marriage, maintaining that relationship and their easy fruit for an affair. And the other thing that can happen is they're closed off to their spouse emotionally and they may be seeking connection elsewhere. So sometimes people are easy fruit for somebody else to initiate with
Brad:
Them,
Brad:
But at times people could be resentful enough where they're going to go initiate with somebody else.
Morgan:
Wow.
Brad:
And so that happens as well
Morgan:
And they begin to rationalize, is that right? Rationalize this connection with a friend who is just a friend or just a
Brad:
Coworker. And Morgan, what's happening is if Affairs happened when someone closes a door to their spouse and they open a door to someone else, I'm no longer communicating with you
Because this negative cycle is beating me up or I'm not asking for my wants and needs. What happens is closing a door to their spouse and they're opening a door to someone else, and then they're going to share with them. Contact can be made with the affair partner and sometimes they've been friends with the affair partner all along. So when the betrayer gets involved or the involved spouse gets involved in the affair, it's typically somebody they've known for a while. It's generally not somebody they just met. It's not a one night stand type of thing. Typically it can be though, but they have contact with the affair partner. It's somebody that they may have known all along and the affair makes 'em feel good about themselves.
Morgan:
If there's depression, it lifts the depression.
Brad:
If they've been depressed, they've been feeling alone, they haven't felt attractive. If they haven't been having sex with their spouse and they get this attention from somebody else, they begin to feel good about themselves. They like how they feel. And Morgan talked about before in understanding why affairs happened like we've talked about before in finding meaning. The question to ask to understand why this particular affair happened is to ask how were you different? And that's generally how people feel about themselves. How did you feel about yourself? How were you different? How did you feel differently? How were you different as a person
Morgan:
While the affair was happening,
Brad:
While the affair was happening? What did you like about yourself?
Those are all things for people to consider to talk about because that's generally what's going on. And so far we have a fair start with a negative cycle that leads people to feeling burnt out, tired or feel beat up by that negative cycle. They don't feel like they're good enough for their spouse anymore in a sense. They may already feel rejected by their spouse, maybe even abandoned by their spouse. At times, people do feel that way, and that happens more often than you would think. So they no longer ask for once and needs. There's resentment there. They start feeling alone, they're sad, they're depressed, they feel numb, and then they start caring less about the marriage. Those are the things that can happen in any order that get people to start caring less about their marriage or relationship, and they're easy fruit for an affair
Brad:
To
Brad:
Be picked off or to initiate their own, and they have contact with the affair partner who may be somebody they've known all along. It may not be somebody new, and what can happen from there is they develop feelings for the affair partner or they can fall into limerence,
Morgan:
Which
Brad:
Is a romantic love, love addiction, obsessive love infatuation,
Morgan:
But it's not based on a reality.
Brad:
Yeah, that's not based on a reality,
Morgan:
Right?
Brad:
It's based on a fantasy,
Morgan:
But
Brad:
Then they can develop feelings for that person and the affair will be going on. It's happening once the affair is discovered. It can make it difficult for some people to end the affair once they've been caught once they've been found out, but that's the general framework of why people have an affair. A lot of clients have discussed this with people who've been involved in an affair, and I would say the overwhelming majority of people who've cheated, have cheated because of what we talked about just a moment ago, feeling burned out or tired, beat up by the negative cycle, and they even feel beat up by the negative cycle of avoid, avoid because they don't think they matter anymore to their spouse. They feel like they're not good enough. They feel like they're not wanted anymore. They have real concerns about it, and so they go through this progression, this stage of feeling like they can't communicate, they can't share. Their spouse isn't there for them. They're no longer dependable. I can't go to them. They're going to be angry with me. They're going to be upset somehow. I don't make them happy.
Morgan:
Somehow I'll fall short or I'll fail or I won't measure up to their expectations,
Brad:
And part of this is so they go through this serious of progression, this psychology of betrayal. They'll go through the psychology of this mindset of someone who cheats. They'll develop, they'll have contact with the affair partner. The affair will start, feelings will develop for the affair partner. The affair will happen and will be happening. Then once the affair is made known,
Morgan:
Because it always will eventually,
Brad:
Yeah, typically it's more often than not, it's made known. Then Morgan, once it's made known for some people, almost every couple, there's a period of ambiguity, that uncertainty that they go through. Are we going to stay together or are we going to be done? We'll keep talking about this. Thank you for listening today. Yes, have a wonderful week guys. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed@healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.
Ep 19: Myths That Are Holding You Back, Keeping You Stuck, & Preventing You From Total Happiness
Brad:
So how do we heal from an affair when we have thoughts like this that constantly intrude into our minds, renewing our mind enables us to stop, identify unproductive thoughts and replace them with more functional thoughts.
Morgan:
You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert. If you're wanting to heal your relationship after infidelity, this podcast is for you, and we are officially on episode number 19. We're addressing challenging false beliefs, which this episode specifically is talking about the myths that are holding you back. So definitely, definitely, definitely. Go to our website, healing broken trust.com/episode 19. Download your resources there. They're free to you free resources, so download those. They're really going to help you to follow along with these episodes and make the most of your time and your energy in the healing process. So definitely go to healing broken trust.com/episode 19. That's the number 19. Download those resources. If you have questions, feel free to leave a voicemail on our website. That's really helpful. We do answer those questions, we answer those questions on our weekly call, so definitely sign up for that as well if you would like to ask questions and get more help. Without further ado, let's get started.
Today we're talking about challenging false beliefs surrounding the affair. This is meant for both people in the relationship. However, a lot will be directed toward the betrayed partner. And forgive us, we're overcoming two lovely sinus infections and bronchitis, so we'll try not to cough your ear off. But Brad, do you want to get us started?
Brad:
Yeah, this is Morgan. What we're talking about today is challenging false beliefs surrounding an affair, and this is for both people caught in an affair. This is for the one who's been betrayed by their spouse, and this is also for the one who had the affair, and a lot of the information is directed that we're presenting towards the one who has been betrayed. But this will also be very beneficial for individuals who've had an affair as well, because we're talking about different types of thought distortions, and some of those could be things like personalizing, assuming, catastrophizing, different things like that that we're going to get into. Morgan. Why this is really important is sometimes there's such hurt and trauma for both people who've been affected by the affair. They don't really know how to escape it. They don't realize that maybe some of what they're doing is punishing themselves with their negative thinking or with their false thinking. Recently, I had an individual who had an affair who's been suicidal since then because they haven't known how to deal with their own guilt and shame in a more productive way since they cheated on their spouse. So let me just go ahead and get started with this Morgan.
Morgan:
Okay.
Brad:
Being betrayed is very damaging to our self-confidence. Many times we often come to conclusions about ourselves based on misinterpretations and inaccurate information about ourselves that was formed under great duress. When individuals are feeling strong emotions and arousal because of how upsetting an affair is, it interferes with their ability to challenge these thoughts. So part of the healing process is facilitated by restructuring unproductive ideas that maintain emotional arousal and consequently interfere with our ability to process the event. These unproductive ideas can be about a normal assumptions about life, people and ourselves. Then there are thoughts about triggers, symptoms, or everyday stressors. And when injured spouses think about the past, they often have misinterpretations about the traumatic event or misinterpretations about the future. Imagining how bad the future will be, each thought can keep arousal. Dysfunctionally high reworking these ideas is the goal of renewing the mind, which is a very important step in healing from an affair or other trust issues. Psychologists have long believed that thoughts significantly influence individuals reactions to events, and so let me say that again. That's really important.
Morgan:
Yeah, very important.
Brad:
So psychologists have long believed that thoughts significantly influence individual's reactions to events.
Morgan:
So sometimes it's just how we think about it that really makes the difference and how we feel.
Brad:
Exactly, Morgan. Exactly. So let me give an example of how this works. Luke met Anna while in the process of divorcing his wife. They had a whirlwind romance and he was ready to commit. After a few months of dating, Anna had recently gotten out of a bad marriage and was reluctant to commit to someone. So soon Luke introduced her to his family as his woman. She affirmed that indeed she was his woman and she was committed to him. Luke felt safe, confident he was going to marry her, but Anna still had some reservations and wasn't ready to commit so soon, even though she indicated that she was ready. In fact, she had an old friend that she was still seen on the side for sex. This continued a few more times without Luke's knowledge.
Morgan:
Wow, that's tough.
Brad:
It's very tough. When Luke found out after seven years of marriage, it was almost unbearable for him. After some of the rage began to subside, he began to develop negative thoughts about himself. He says he had an audio tap in his mind that kept replaying these words over and over again. You are not lovable. You are not good enough. I knew if you really let someone in close, she wouldn't like what she saw and would reject you.
Morgan:
And so this is what was going on in his mind.
Brad:
Yeah, this is what he was telling himself. You are somehow responsible for this. You can't trust women. Why would anyone want to be with me? Am I really that attractive? How do I measure up to this person? What did she see in him that she didn't see in me? Why do bad things always happen to me? Will I ever start to feel normal again? Am I crazy? Why can't I stop thinking about this? Why won't these thoughts and feelings go away? My life is over. I don't know how to rebound from this. God has left me. I am alone.
Morgan:
Wow. So these are some of those unproductive thoughts.
Brad:
Yeah,
Morgan:
Gotcha.
Brad:
That need to be challenged, because when you think that way, you get stuck in feeling horrible. You get stuck in feeling basically like crap, because thoughts determine how we feel.
And so we're going to get into a little bit more of that. So how do we heal from an affair? When we have thoughts like this that constantly intrude into our minds, renewing our mind enables us to stop, identify unproductive thoughts and replace them with more functional thoughts. We stop running from thoughts that cause us to feel aroused even partially confronting them, and we can begin to persistently confront and challenge them and begin to feel better. When we do this, we shift from helpless victim mode into I'm in control mode and where we're gaining mastery over the one thing, we can consistently control our thoughts.
Brad:
This
Brad:
Process usually lessens our arousal should emotional and physical arousal occur. Knowing how to replace unproductive thoughts helps keep it reasonable and allows it to subside more quickly. And so Morgan, this idea is fairly simple. A causes B, and B causes C. And so here's what I mean by that. A stands for the upsetting event.
Morgan:
Fair.
Brad:
Yeah. Well, and our listeners can use this for the affair that they're working through, and they can also use it for other events in life. And that's what I like about what we're talking about. So A stands for the upsetting event, which in this case would be the affair. B is the belief or the automatic uncontrollable thoughts the individual tell themselves about A. So it's that belief or automatic uncontrollable thought that individuals tell themselves about the affair or about that event. And C is the emotional and the physical consequences or arousal. It's how you feel, CS, what you feel. So most people think that the event causes the feeling.
Morgan:
C,
Brad:
C. So most people think that A causes C, the event causes the feelings, but in reality it is B, it's the self-talk that has greater influence. Productive self-talk would likely lead to appropriate emotional upset that allows people to focus and concentrate on functioning and begin to move forward with their life and not get stuck on this. On the other hand, unproductive thoughts lead to emotional disturbance that prevents rational level thinking and functioning.
Morgan:
Okay, so just to recap one more time, A stands for the upsetting event, which in this case is the affair. B is the belief or automatic uncontrollable thoughts that individuals tell themselves about A C is the emotional and physical consequences or the arousal, the upset. Most people think that A causes C, the affair caused the feelings, but in reality, it's the self-talk B that has greater influence on the arousal or the consequences after the event. So productive self-talk would likely lead to appropriate emotional upset that allows people to focus and concentrate on functioning. So on the other hand, unproductive thoughts lead to emotional disturbances that prevents rational level thinking and functioning.
Brad:
Okay. That's exactly right,
Morgan:
Morgan. Okay.
Brad:
That's exactly right. I want to say a little bit about automatic uncontrollable thoughts and distortions because this is really important.
Morgan:
Okay.
Brad:
After discovering a partner's affair, automatic uncontrollable thoughts run through betrayed spouse's minds. These thoughts can keep them enraged for days or longer after learning about the affair. Although they're capable of thinking reasonably about the affair, sometimes they're automatic, uncontrollable thoughts are distorted or just unreasonably negative. They're catastrophic. And let me say this so I can kind of sound a little bit more balanced. Obviously it's going to be negative and probably unreasonably negative after an affair is discovered. But as time goes on and healing takes place, and I'm talking about months into this, you're beginning to not be so negative. You're beginning to get your life back. You're beginning to not be as depressed. And so if you're staying where you're at in month six, where you're at in month one or the first 45 days, there may be some negative thinking, negative automatic thoughts that have some serious distortions there that need to be looked at.
Morgan:
And a lot of those negative distortions are products of the trauma surrounding the affair. Wouldn't you say,
Brad:
Brad? Yeah, I would say that's true. So these distorted automatic thoughts occur so rapidly. They happen so fast, Morgan, that betrayed spouses hardly notice them. They hardly stop to question them. And yet these automatic thoughts profoundly affect their mood, their bodies arousal, and their ability to think clearly. These thought distortions are learned, which is good for us. We can unlearn them.
Morgan:
Great. Yeah.
Brad:
Sometimes people learn these in childhood. Sometimes they were taught by others or from previous traumatic experiences such as being cheated on previously or being abandoned as a child. Thought distortions are not a reflection of intelligence or strength. They're simply learned habits.
Morgan:
Oh, that's important. So it's not a reflection of intelligence or strength, it's just a learned habit that you've maybe picked up over your lifespan,
Brad:
A habit. It's a way you've learned to see the world.
When we submit them to new evidence and logic, we can learn new, more productive thought patterns. And what we're trying to do is help you improve our listeners, improve their ability to catch troublesome distortions, challenge their logic and replace them with thoughts that are less arousing. And this is usually done in the form of rebuttals. And so ask yourself, after you've caught an unhealthy thought, and this is important, Morgan, what's the evidence to say this is correct? Ask yourself this question. After catching a distorted thought, what's another way to look at this situation? And then ask. So what if it happens? What's the worst case scenario?
Brad:
And
Brad:
These are important. So ask yourself, what's the evidence to say this is correct? Where's the evidence to say that my perception is accurate or is actually correct? That's important to challenge our thoughts. And then to ask yourself the question, is there another way to look at the situation? And if this does happen, what's the worst case scenario?
Morgan:
Right? So the goal of renewing your mind is ultimately to rebut and replace distorted thoughts.
Brad:
Yeah. And that'll help you feel better emotionally, can help you better with your confidence, can help you feel like you're moving on.
Morgan:
Yes. Yes. So there are 13 different thought distortions that we'll talk about in this show, and probably in the next show as well. Flawed fixation, dismissing the positive, assuming catastrophizing, all or none, thinking shoulds, musts, oughts, making feelings, facts, overgeneralizing, abusive labeling, personalizing, blaming, unfavorable comparisons and regrets. Right, Brad? Okay. And we're going to go into those in greater detail.
Brad:
Yeah, we're going to get into that. Morgan, do you want to do the first one? The flaw fixation.
Morgan:
With flaw fixation, individuals tend to place their focus on what is wrong or what went wrong. This has also been called fear focus because their mental camera aimed at the fearful. When this happens, people are only seeing one aspect of a picture. The constant focus on what went wrong keeps them from seeing the bigger picture. So it's seeing the forest from the trees. Here's some examples. After being cheated on, Marge can't focus on anything other than the other woman's attractiveness. She can't stop comparing herself to the other woman and feeling like she's coming up short. Marge is forgetting that she still looks great and hasn't realized that most affairs have very little to do with sex, and most of the time start for emotional reasons after his wife's affair. Paul can't stop thinking about how dumb he is for letting this happen. Paul hates feeling so guilty for not giving his wife more time and attention in their marriage. Paul is forgetting that it wasn't just his inattention that led to the affair, but some of his wife's girlfriends didn't challenge her on what she was doing and that it was wrong, even though they knew about it.
Another person, Tiffany, is consumed with protecting herself. So nothing like her husband's affair happens again. So she doesn't want it to happen again. So she's protecting herself. She's consumed with it. She's so consumed with feeling abandoned by the affair that she ignores the fact that he has stayed with her and chosen her over his affair partner. So she doesn't see that he's chosen her. She's so wanting to protect herself. Another person, John, John, feels like he can't go back to his favorite restaurant with his wife because that's the place his wife went to lunch with her affair partner. John is not considering that he and his wife can find a new restaurant they enjoyed just as much as the last one. And then Randy, the last one, finds it impossible to get the image of his wife having sex with another man out of his mind. The movie reel of sexual images keeps him from having a sexual relationship with his wife. Randy could zoom out and see that she's interested in him sexually and wants to have a sexual relationship with him now. But it's very hard because they stick with that flawed fixation, right?
Brad:
Yeah. And Morgan, the problem with this worm's eye view is that it ignores the very aspects that make life satisfying and enjoyable. And through conditioning related negatives, they snowball. So that many places and events now remind betrayed spouses to feel guilt, anger, fear, sadness, or insecurity.
Morgan:
And the antidote is to expand our focus, to use a wider lens, to see the whole picture ask, what else could I notice? What isn't wrong? What's gone well? What is right? What percentage of the time did I perform well, what's here to enjoy? You don't want to ignore the negative aspects, but to see more of the aspects.
Brad:
Morgan, that's very, I think that's a fantastic advice, and that's worth repeating
Brad:
The
Brad:
Antidote with flaw fixation to get out of this fear focus, this worm's eye view is to really ask yourself, what else could I notice? What isn't wrong? What's gone well? What is right? What percentage of the time did I perform well, what's here to enjoy? And you're also right to say you don't want to ignore the negative aspects, but there's more aspects you want to see the other aspects. You want to take everything in the
Morgan:
Good and the bad,
Brad:
The good and the bad. And so I think that's really important.
Morgan:
That goes back to challenging those false
Brad:
Beliefs.
Morgan:
Yeah.
Brad:
And many times, and these are, and honestly Morgan, we're talking about thought distortions or negative thinking, things along those lines with an affair. But these are thought distortions that people had before the affair began.
Morgan:
I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable
Brad:
That maybe they had that. But more importantly, these are thought ways of thinking that were distorted before the affair that may it hard to recover now that you've really experienced something very traumatic. And so this is something that can help not just move through the affair, but also just help rebuild your life altogether in other areas as well. Another type of thought distortion is dismissing the positive while flaw, fixation ignores the good, dismissing the positive actually discounts it as if it didn't matter.
Morgan:
The good discounting the good.
Brad:
Yeah. Well,
Morgan:
It doesn't matter.
Brad:
Yeah, it's flaw fixation, ignores the good. It doesn't take into account what was good that happened, but dismissing the positive actually discounts the good
Morgan:
As
Brad:
If it didn't matter. So may be aware of it, but it just says that's not important.
And so for example, Amanda doesn't give herself a break for feeling blue and hurt about her partner's affair. She discounts how strong she has been and how far she has come since she first discovered the affair. When complimented on how far she has come by her therapist, she tells herself, it's not worth talking about. It's not worth thinking about either. I felt like I had no one else to depend on. Instead, she could have thought to herself, I'm glad that I have come this far this quickly. I never dreamed I'd be here by now. And so instead of dismissing that positive, she could actually say, you know what? Yeah, this is good.
Morgan:
Give herself some credit.
Brad:
Yeah, give herself some credit and think about the positive. It's okay to dwell on it. It's okay to realize how far you've come.
Morgan:
Right?
Brad:
And so that's one thought distortion. And another one, Morgan is assuming,
Morgan:
And
Brad:
There's three kinds of assumptions that we have, and each kind results in distress when we don't test the evidence. And so here's the first type of assuming it's mind reading. The second is jumping to conclusions. And the third is fortune telling. With mind reading, individuals assume that they know what others are thinking. And here's examples. My family and friends think I'm a wimp for being so stressed about being betrayed. They think I should be over this already. Or maybe the one who cheated on me thinks I should be over it already. They just assume that my husband hates me for not being there for him. That's an assumption. My husband hates me. I cheated on him. You don't know that. Maybe they say it out of anger, but they're with you right now. Do they really hate you? My husband doesn't love me and couldn't possibly let something like this happen, or even God doesn't love me and he couldn't possibly let something like this happen because something bad happened to me, therefore God does not love me. That's a big assumption people are making. And even to say, the affair is my fault, that's an assumption. Or it's even an assumption to say, the affair isn't my fault
Without looking at the marriage. And so these distortions, they can be challenged by asking, what's the evidence? Is there another possibility? Let's not just assume and believe our assumption only, but we need to challenge these assumptions by asking what's the evidence? Is there another possibility? Some people will have empathy and understanding for an injured spouse suffering. Others might be indifferent or curious, but probably not. Mocking. People may or may not be disappointed in how he or she has felt since discovery in the affair. On the other hand, some, most or all of them may find it understandable under the circumstances. So most people are going to be gracious, understanding you've been betrayed. It's going to take a little bit,
Morgan:
And it can be hard to assume the best of people in this certain situation because you've been hurt and you're traumatized. So it makes sense that you would automatically have an assumption that people are bad and hurtful.
Brad:
Yeah, exactly. But it's important though to ask Morgan, where's the evidence? Is there another possibility here? And most of the time, people don't question their perception. They don't question their thoughts, and it leads them to great error. It leads 'em down a wrong, wrong road. And it's very helpful to follow our advice and challenge some of these false beliefs. This flaw fixation more than just flaw fixation, but the assumptions and dismissing the positive. It's important to look at those thought distortions and challenge them. And
Morgan:
The second one here is jumping to conclusions. When someone jumps to conclusions, something like this happens. Say your spouse is running late from work and doesn't call but comes home 10 minutes late. You feel like they have forsaken you for the other person. You literally jump at the conclusion, which is called the startled response. This is tested by asking what is the evidence? Is it possible that this is not a repeat of my trauma? Maybe the person,
Brad:
Is it possible that they're not shooting on me? Again, kind of what's the evidence here,
Morgan:
Right
Brad:
There? Another possibility.
Morgan:
Could they really have been stuck in traffic? What is it really?
Brad:
Yeah, you don't want to let your assumptions get the best of you because you're just not as happy when you let your mind run wild.
Brad:
You
Brad:
Need to control your thoughts and control your mind, and you're just not as happy. Morgan, the other type of assuming is fortune telling. When partners have been betrayed by an affair, they pessimistically predict a negative outcome without testing the evidence. Fortune telling often starts with a fear focus, and this is what somebody could say. It might happen after all it's happened before, or it could happen for the first time, and it subtly shifts to it will undoubtedly happen, which arouses the betrayed partner further. So when you start thinking that way, it gets you more aroused, more upset,
Brad:
More upset.
Brad:
To challenge this distortion, we must think somewhat tentatively and openly like a scientist, and this is what you could say. Certainly bad things might happen, but what's the probability or odds of this happening?
Morgan:
So
Brad:
This could happen, but what's the chances of this happening? What's the probability? What's the odds of this happening? Other antidotes include asking, why might this negative not happen? Why might something good happen?
So looking at those assumptions like that, and those are really important, we're going to keep talking about challenging false beliefs. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed, healing broken trust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.