Brad:
So how do we heal from an affair when we have thoughts like this that constantly intrude into our minds, renewing our mind enables us to stop, identify unproductive thoughts and replace them with more functional thoughts.
Morgan:
You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert. If you're wanting to heal your relationship after infidelity, this podcast is for you, and we are officially on episode number 19. We're addressing challenging false beliefs, which this episode specifically is talking about the myths that are holding you back. So definitely, definitely, definitely. Go to our website, healing broken trust.com/episode 19. Download your resources there. They're free to you free resources, so download those. They're really going to help you to follow along with these episodes and make the most of your time and your energy in the healing process. So definitely go to healing broken trust.com/episode 19. That's the number 19. Download those resources. If you have questions, feel free to leave a voicemail on our website. That's really helpful. We do answer those questions, we answer those questions on our weekly call, so definitely sign up for that as well if you would like to ask questions and get more help. Without further ado, let's get started.
Today we're talking about challenging false beliefs surrounding the affair. This is meant for both people in the relationship. However, a lot will be directed toward the betrayed partner. And forgive us, we're overcoming two lovely sinus infections and bronchitis, so we'll try not to cough your ear off. But Brad, do you want to get us started?
Brad:
Yeah, this is Morgan. What we're talking about today is challenging false beliefs surrounding an affair, and this is for both people caught in an affair. This is for the one who's been betrayed by their spouse, and this is also for the one who had the affair, and a lot of the information is directed that we're presenting towards the one who has been betrayed. But this will also be very beneficial for individuals who've had an affair as well, because we're talking about different types of thought distortions, and some of those could be things like personalizing, assuming, catastrophizing, different things like that that we're going to get into. Morgan. Why this is really important is sometimes there's such hurt and trauma for both people who've been affected by the affair. They don't really know how to escape it. They don't realize that maybe some of what they're doing is punishing themselves with their negative thinking or with their false thinking. Recently, I had an individual who had an affair who's been suicidal since then because they haven't known how to deal with their own guilt and shame in a more productive way since they cheated on their spouse. So let me just go ahead and get started with this Morgan.
Morgan:
Okay.
Brad:
Being betrayed is very damaging to our self-confidence. Many times we often come to conclusions about ourselves based on misinterpretations and inaccurate information about ourselves that was formed under great duress. When individuals are feeling strong emotions and arousal because of how upsetting an affair is, it interferes with their ability to challenge these thoughts. So part of the healing process is facilitated by restructuring unproductive ideas that maintain emotional arousal and consequently interfere with our ability to process the event. These unproductive ideas can be about a normal assumptions about life, people and ourselves. Then there are thoughts about triggers, symptoms, or everyday stressors. And when injured spouses think about the past, they often have misinterpretations about the traumatic event or misinterpretations about the future. Imagining how bad the future will be, each thought can keep arousal. Dysfunctionally high reworking these ideas is the goal of renewing the mind, which is a very important step in healing from an affair or other trust issues. Psychologists have long believed that thoughts significantly influence individuals reactions to events, and so let me say that again. That's really important.
Morgan:
Yeah, very important.
Brad:
So psychologists have long believed that thoughts significantly influence individual's reactions to events.
Morgan:
So sometimes it's just how we think about it that really makes the difference and how we feel.
Brad:
Exactly, Morgan. Exactly. So let me give an example of how this works. Luke met Anna while in the process of divorcing his wife. They had a whirlwind romance and he was ready to commit. After a few months of dating, Anna had recently gotten out of a bad marriage and was reluctant to commit to someone. So soon Luke introduced her to his family as his woman. She affirmed that indeed she was his woman and she was committed to him. Luke felt safe, confident he was going to marry her, but Anna still had some reservations and wasn't ready to commit so soon, even though she indicated that she was ready. In fact, she had an old friend that she was still seen on the side for sex. This continued a few more times without Luke's knowledge.
Morgan:
Wow, that's tough.
Brad:
It's very tough. When Luke found out after seven years of marriage, it was almost unbearable for him. After some of the rage began to subside, he began to develop negative thoughts about himself. He says he had an audio tap in his mind that kept replaying these words over and over again. You are not lovable. You are not good enough. I knew if you really let someone in close, she wouldn't like what she saw and would reject you.
Morgan:
And so this is what was going on in his mind.
Brad:
Yeah, this is what he was telling himself. You are somehow responsible for this. You can't trust women. Why would anyone want to be with me? Am I really that attractive? How do I measure up to this person? What did she see in him that she didn't see in me? Why do bad things always happen to me? Will I ever start to feel normal again? Am I crazy? Why can't I stop thinking about this? Why won't these thoughts and feelings go away? My life is over. I don't know how to rebound from this. God has left me. I am alone.
Morgan:
Wow. So these are some of those unproductive thoughts.
Brad:
Yeah,
Morgan:
Gotcha.
Brad:
That need to be challenged, because when you think that way, you get stuck in feeling horrible. You get stuck in feeling basically like crap, because thoughts determine how we feel.
And so we're going to get into a little bit more of that. So how do we heal from an affair? When we have thoughts like this that constantly intrude into our minds, renewing our mind enables us to stop, identify unproductive thoughts and replace them with more functional thoughts. We stop running from thoughts that cause us to feel aroused even partially confronting them, and we can begin to persistently confront and challenge them and begin to feel better. When we do this, we shift from helpless victim mode into I'm in control mode and where we're gaining mastery over the one thing, we can consistently control our thoughts.
Brad:
This
Brad:
Process usually lessens our arousal should emotional and physical arousal occur. Knowing how to replace unproductive thoughts helps keep it reasonable and allows it to subside more quickly. And so Morgan, this idea is fairly simple. A causes B, and B causes C. And so here's what I mean by that. A stands for the upsetting event.
Morgan:
Fair.
Brad:
Yeah. Well, and our listeners can use this for the affair that they're working through, and they can also use it for other events in life. And that's what I like about what we're talking about. So A stands for the upsetting event, which in this case would be the affair. B is the belief or the automatic uncontrollable thoughts the individual tell themselves about A. So it's that belief or automatic uncontrollable thought that individuals tell themselves about the affair or about that event. And C is the emotional and the physical consequences or arousal. It's how you feel, CS, what you feel. So most people think that the event causes the feeling.
Morgan:
C,
Brad:
C. So most people think that A causes C, the event causes the feelings, but in reality it is B, it's the self-talk that has greater influence. Productive self-talk would likely lead to appropriate emotional upset that allows people to focus and concentrate on functioning and begin to move forward with their life and not get stuck on this. On the other hand, unproductive thoughts lead to emotional disturbance that prevents rational level thinking and functioning.
Morgan:
Okay, so just to recap one more time, A stands for the upsetting event, which in this case is the affair. B is the belief or automatic uncontrollable thoughts that individuals tell themselves about A C is the emotional and physical consequences or the arousal, the upset. Most people think that A causes C, the affair caused the feelings, but in reality, it's the self-talk B that has greater influence on the arousal or the consequences after the event. So productive self-talk would likely lead to appropriate emotional upset that allows people to focus and concentrate on functioning. So on the other hand, unproductive thoughts lead to emotional disturbances that prevents rational level thinking and functioning.
Brad:
Okay. That's exactly right,
Morgan:
Morgan. Okay.
Brad:
That's exactly right. I want to say a little bit about automatic uncontrollable thoughts and distortions because this is really important.
Morgan:
Okay.
Brad:
After discovering a partner's affair, automatic uncontrollable thoughts run through betrayed spouse's minds. These thoughts can keep them enraged for days or longer after learning about the affair. Although they're capable of thinking reasonably about the affair, sometimes they're automatic, uncontrollable thoughts are distorted or just unreasonably negative. They're catastrophic. And let me say this so I can kind of sound a little bit more balanced. Obviously it's going to be negative and probably unreasonably negative after an affair is discovered. But as time goes on and healing takes place, and I'm talking about months into this, you're beginning to not be so negative. You're beginning to get your life back. You're beginning to not be as depressed. And so if you're staying where you're at in month six, where you're at in month one or the first 45 days, there may be some negative thinking, negative automatic thoughts that have some serious distortions there that need to be looked at.
Morgan:
And a lot of those negative distortions are products of the trauma surrounding the affair. Wouldn't you say,
Brad:
Brad? Yeah, I would say that's true. So these distorted automatic thoughts occur so rapidly. They happen so fast, Morgan, that betrayed spouses hardly notice them. They hardly stop to question them. And yet these automatic thoughts profoundly affect their mood, their bodies arousal, and their ability to think clearly. These thought distortions are learned, which is good for us. We can unlearn them.
Morgan:
Great. Yeah.
Brad:
Sometimes people learn these in childhood. Sometimes they were taught by others or from previous traumatic experiences such as being cheated on previously or being abandoned as a child. Thought distortions are not a reflection of intelligence or strength. They're simply learned habits.
Morgan:
Oh, that's important. So it's not a reflection of intelligence or strength, it's just a learned habit that you've maybe picked up over your lifespan,
Brad:
A habit. It's a way you've learned to see the world.
When we submit them to new evidence and logic, we can learn new, more productive thought patterns. And what we're trying to do is help you improve our listeners, improve their ability to catch troublesome distortions, challenge their logic and replace them with thoughts that are less arousing. And this is usually done in the form of rebuttals. And so ask yourself, after you've caught an unhealthy thought, and this is important, Morgan, what's the evidence to say this is correct? Ask yourself this question. After catching a distorted thought, what's another way to look at this situation? And then ask. So what if it happens? What's the worst case scenario?
Brad:
And
Brad:
These are important. So ask yourself, what's the evidence to say this is correct? Where's the evidence to say that my perception is accurate or is actually correct? That's important to challenge our thoughts. And then to ask yourself the question, is there another way to look at the situation? And if this does happen, what's the worst case scenario?
Morgan:
Right? So the goal of renewing your mind is ultimately to rebut and replace distorted thoughts.
Brad:
Yeah. And that'll help you feel better emotionally, can help you better with your confidence, can help you feel like you're moving on.
Morgan:
Yes. Yes. So there are 13 different thought distortions that we'll talk about in this show, and probably in the next show as well. Flawed fixation, dismissing the positive, assuming catastrophizing, all or none, thinking shoulds, musts, oughts, making feelings, facts, overgeneralizing, abusive labeling, personalizing, blaming, unfavorable comparisons and regrets. Right, Brad? Okay. And we're going to go into those in greater detail.
Brad:
Yeah, we're going to get into that. Morgan, do you want to do the first one? The flaw fixation.
Morgan:
With flaw fixation, individuals tend to place their focus on what is wrong or what went wrong. This has also been called fear focus because their mental camera aimed at the fearful. When this happens, people are only seeing one aspect of a picture. The constant focus on what went wrong keeps them from seeing the bigger picture. So it's seeing the forest from the trees. Here's some examples. After being cheated on, Marge can't focus on anything other than the other woman's attractiveness. She can't stop comparing herself to the other woman and feeling like she's coming up short. Marge is forgetting that she still looks great and hasn't realized that most affairs have very little to do with sex, and most of the time start for emotional reasons after his wife's affair. Paul can't stop thinking about how dumb he is for letting this happen. Paul hates feeling so guilty for not giving his wife more time and attention in their marriage. Paul is forgetting that it wasn't just his inattention that led to the affair, but some of his wife's girlfriends didn't challenge her on what she was doing and that it was wrong, even though they knew about it.
Another person, Tiffany, is consumed with protecting herself. So nothing like her husband's affair happens again. So she doesn't want it to happen again. So she's protecting herself. She's consumed with it. She's so consumed with feeling abandoned by the affair that she ignores the fact that he has stayed with her and chosen her over his affair partner. So she doesn't see that he's chosen her. She's so wanting to protect herself. Another person, John, John, feels like he can't go back to his favorite restaurant with his wife because that's the place his wife went to lunch with her affair partner. John is not considering that he and his wife can find a new restaurant they enjoyed just as much as the last one. And then Randy, the last one, finds it impossible to get the image of his wife having sex with another man out of his mind. The movie reel of sexual images keeps him from having a sexual relationship with his wife. Randy could zoom out and see that she's interested in him sexually and wants to have a sexual relationship with him now. But it's very hard because they stick with that flawed fixation, right?
Brad:
Yeah. And Morgan, the problem with this worm's eye view is that it ignores the very aspects that make life satisfying and enjoyable. And through conditioning related negatives, they snowball. So that many places and events now remind betrayed spouses to feel guilt, anger, fear, sadness, or insecurity.
Morgan:
And the antidote is to expand our focus, to use a wider lens, to see the whole picture ask, what else could I notice? What isn't wrong? What's gone well? What is right? What percentage of the time did I perform well, what's here to enjoy? You don't want to ignore the negative aspects, but to see more of the aspects.
Brad:
Morgan, that's very, I think that's a fantastic advice, and that's worth repeating
Brad:
The
Brad:
Antidote with flaw fixation to get out of this fear focus, this worm's eye view is to really ask yourself, what else could I notice? What isn't wrong? What's gone well? What is right? What percentage of the time did I perform well, what's here to enjoy? And you're also right to say you don't want to ignore the negative aspects, but there's more aspects you want to see the other aspects. You want to take everything in the
Morgan:
Good and the bad,
Brad:
The good and the bad. And so I think that's really important.
Morgan:
That goes back to challenging those false
Brad:
Beliefs.
Morgan:
Yeah.
Brad:
And many times, and these are, and honestly Morgan, we're talking about thought distortions or negative thinking, things along those lines with an affair. But these are thought distortions that people had before the affair began.
Morgan:
I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable
Brad:
That maybe they had that. But more importantly, these are thought ways of thinking that were distorted before the affair that may it hard to recover now that you've really experienced something very traumatic. And so this is something that can help not just move through the affair, but also just help rebuild your life altogether in other areas as well. Another type of thought distortion is dismissing the positive while flaw, fixation ignores the good, dismissing the positive actually discounts it as if it didn't matter.
Morgan:
The good discounting the good.
Brad:
Yeah. Well,
Morgan:
It doesn't matter.
Brad:
Yeah, it's flaw fixation, ignores the good. It doesn't take into account what was good that happened, but dismissing the positive actually discounts the good
Morgan:
As
Brad:
If it didn't matter. So may be aware of it, but it just says that's not important.
And so for example, Amanda doesn't give herself a break for feeling blue and hurt about her partner's affair. She discounts how strong she has been and how far she has come since she first discovered the affair. When complimented on how far she has come by her therapist, she tells herself, it's not worth talking about. It's not worth thinking about either. I felt like I had no one else to depend on. Instead, she could have thought to herself, I'm glad that I have come this far this quickly. I never dreamed I'd be here by now. And so instead of dismissing that positive, she could actually say, you know what? Yeah, this is good.
Morgan:
Give herself some credit.
Brad:
Yeah, give herself some credit and think about the positive. It's okay to dwell on it. It's okay to realize how far you've come.
Morgan:
Right?
Brad:
And so that's one thought distortion. And another one, Morgan is assuming,
Morgan:
And
Brad:
There's three kinds of assumptions that we have, and each kind results in distress when we don't test the evidence. And so here's the first type of assuming it's mind reading. The second is jumping to conclusions. And the third is fortune telling. With mind reading, individuals assume that they know what others are thinking. And here's examples. My family and friends think I'm a wimp for being so stressed about being betrayed. They think I should be over this already. Or maybe the one who cheated on me thinks I should be over it already. They just assume that my husband hates me for not being there for him. That's an assumption. My husband hates me. I cheated on him. You don't know that. Maybe they say it out of anger, but they're with you right now. Do they really hate you? My husband doesn't love me and couldn't possibly let something like this happen, or even God doesn't love me and he couldn't possibly let something like this happen because something bad happened to me, therefore God does not love me. That's a big assumption people are making. And even to say, the affair is my fault, that's an assumption. Or it's even an assumption to say, the affair isn't my fault
Without looking at the marriage. And so these distortions, they can be challenged by asking, what's the evidence? Is there another possibility? Let's not just assume and believe our assumption only, but we need to challenge these assumptions by asking what's the evidence? Is there another possibility? Some people will have empathy and understanding for an injured spouse suffering. Others might be indifferent or curious, but probably not. Mocking. People may or may not be disappointed in how he or she has felt since discovery in the affair. On the other hand, some, most or all of them may find it understandable under the circumstances. So most people are going to be gracious, understanding you've been betrayed. It's going to take a little bit,
Morgan:
And it can be hard to assume the best of people in this certain situation because you've been hurt and you're traumatized. So it makes sense that you would automatically have an assumption that people are bad and hurtful.
Brad:
Yeah, exactly. But it's important though to ask Morgan, where's the evidence? Is there another possibility here? And most of the time, people don't question their perception. They don't question their thoughts, and it leads them to great error. It leads 'em down a wrong, wrong road. And it's very helpful to follow our advice and challenge some of these false beliefs. This flaw fixation more than just flaw fixation, but the assumptions and dismissing the positive. It's important to look at those thought distortions and challenge them. And
Morgan:
The second one here is jumping to conclusions. When someone jumps to conclusions, something like this happens. Say your spouse is running late from work and doesn't call but comes home 10 minutes late. You feel like they have forsaken you for the other person. You literally jump at the conclusion, which is called the startled response. This is tested by asking what is the evidence? Is it possible that this is not a repeat of my trauma? Maybe the person,
Brad:
Is it possible that they're not shooting on me? Again, kind of what's the evidence here,
Morgan:
Right
Brad:
There? Another possibility.
Morgan:
Could they really have been stuck in traffic? What is it really?
Brad:
Yeah, you don't want to let your assumptions get the best of you because you're just not as happy when you let your mind run wild.
Brad:
You
Brad:
Need to control your thoughts and control your mind, and you're just not as happy. Morgan, the other type of assuming is fortune telling. When partners have been betrayed by an affair, they pessimistically predict a negative outcome without testing the evidence. Fortune telling often starts with a fear focus, and this is what somebody could say. It might happen after all it's happened before, or it could happen for the first time, and it subtly shifts to it will undoubtedly happen, which arouses the betrayed partner further. So when you start thinking that way, it gets you more aroused, more upset,
Brad:
More upset.
Brad:
To challenge this distortion, we must think somewhat tentatively and openly like a scientist, and this is what you could say. Certainly bad things might happen, but what's the probability or odds of this happening?
Morgan:
So
Brad:
This could happen, but what's the chances of this happening? What's the probability? What's the odds of this happening? Other antidotes include asking, why might this negative not happen? Why might something good happen?
So looking at those assumptions like that, and those are really important, we're going to keep talking about challenging false beliefs. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed, healing broken trust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.
