Ep 11: Crisis Management, How to Keep It Together When Everything's Falling Apart After The Affair

Brad:

We can really only focus on one thing at a time. And if we let our thoughts run control of us, it's going to control our mood as well. We're going to be stuck in sadness, grief, and hurt. And it's going to be sure it'll always be there until it's completely dealt with. And I'm not saying don't deal with it. I'm just saying at times you got to get to work or times you got to take care of the kids. And these are ways to regain control of yourself.

Morgan:

You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert. If you are wanting to heal your marriage, this podcast is for you. And we're on episode 11 where we're talking about ways to manage the crisis and specifically with this question of how do I keep my world from falling apart after the affair? So that's really important. And quickly, before we move on, I want to remind you to go to healing broken trust.com/episode 11. That's episode and the number 11 to really get the downloads, actually to get the free downloads that we have there for you and gain a better perspective on how to work through this process. All right, so that's Healing Broken trust.com/episode 11. Download those free resources and let's get started. Welcome back. You're listening to Brad and Morgan Robinson, and we are talking about how to recover from an affair. Today we're talking about ways to help you manage the crisis after your spouse's affair, and there's four things we're talking about today, intrusive thoughts, thoughts stopping journaling, and managing depression. Brad, do you want to get us started?

Brad:

Yeah. Many times after an affairs discovered, obviously it's very traumatic, it's very hurtful. Part of, and we've talked about before, this is very, because it is so traumatic, you have a difficult time with obsessive thoughts. And so how you handle those intrusive thoughts, those obsessive thoughts, I want to share a couple things with our listeners on how to do that. Pretty much in almost every case I've worked with on a fair recovery. The spouse or partner who's been betrayed has had obsessive intrusive thoughts. Most of them have also reported a hard time managing the flood of thoughts that came to them. There is a guy named Larry Smith. He's an author and leading the expert on post-traumatic stress disorder and other anxiety disorders. He's developed a few tools to help individuals deal with intrusive thoughts instead of having to turn to drugs or other harmful coping mechanisms to relieve that pain. And one of the things that he's developed is really grounding your body.

Brad:

And

Brad:

Let me explain this, grounding yourself and grounding your body. Grounding yourself means doing things that bring you back to the present. Instead of focusing on the past and letting your mind into the affair, you're focused on the here and now, you're learning and practicing. This will help you gain a sense of control over intrusive thoughts from the past. And it frees you from worrying about the affair happening again. And there are multiple ways to do this, and one of those is grounding your body with grounding your body. You're noticing what your body is doing without passing judgment on what your body feels like. So for example, if your breathing is shallow and rapid, or if your stomach is in knot, you focus on the breathing slowly and evenly, especially if you are hyperventilating.

Brad:

You

Brad:

Want to touch the fabric of your clothes or an object close to you and focus on what it feels like. Part of grounding your body is to stomp your feet or push them down, or you could rub your elbow or wiggle your toes. Tensing and releasing different muscle groups is another effective way to ground your body.

Brad:

And

Brad:

So you're getting more in touch with what's happening. You're not passing judgment on it, and you're paying attention to it,

Morgan:

And

Brad:

It actually helps you feel better,

Morgan:

Right? Because oftentimes you can drift, your mind can wander, and you can feel your body getting tense and tightening up. But if you say, oh, I'm going there again, and you start to come to the present moment and feel your body in the now, then you're starting to slow your breathing and you're starting to really relax, and it's going to take you away from the stress and those intrusive thoughts. Is that the idea?

Brad:

That's the idea. And that will help with the intrusive

Morgan:

Thoughts.

Brad:

Another way to help with the intrusive thoughts is, and I know what I just said, on grounding yourself, grounding your body. That sounds bizarre. Try it. Just try it and see and do it for a little bit and see what kind of results you get.

Morgan:

And if you feel awkward doing it on your own, maybe go to a yoga class or a breathing class and just practice relaxing. Maybe even get a CD with relaxing music

Brad:

On how to relax, and that'll be very helpful.

Morgan:

Very helpful.

Brad:

Another way to handle intrusive thoughts is what's called thought stopping.

And with this, what you do is you just tell yourself, stop it. I'm not going to think about this. Stop again. This will be probably difficult in the beginning, the immediate aftermath because you're still very much a crisis. But as time goes on and as you get better, you can start choosing what your thoughts are going to be with thought stopping. You want to basically tell yourself, stop it. Then select half predetermined thoughts that you're already going to choose. You can have scripture verses on a note card. You can have lines of poetry. You can have your goals written down. You can have affirmations written down. You want to have something predetermined that is going to make you feel better and that you can say to yourself, instead of having these wild thoughts control your mind, you can just say these things out loud to yourself. And it can be a prayer that's written down or a prayer book that you have, and you can just read it out loud and it'll help you start controlling your thoughts and regain mastery over 'em. And it's not controlling you.

Morgan:

Right. And it's helpful to say it out loud as well. Very helpful. Say, Nope, stop. I'm not going to, Nope. I'm not going to think of that. Stop now and think on the things you want.

Brad:

Yeah, because we can really only focus on one thing at a time, and if we let our thoughts run control of us, it's going to control our mood as well. We're going to be stuck in sadness, grief, and hurt. And it's going to be sure it'll always be there until it's completely dealt with. And I'm not saying don't deal with it. I'm just saying at times, you got to go to work or times you got to take care of the kids. And these are ways to regain control of yourself.

Morgan:

Yes.

Brad:

And so thought stomping is very helpful. Handling those intrusive thoughts with the grounding yourself and grounding your body, that's also helpful.

Morgan:

Right.

Brad:

And another helpful way, Morgan, do you want to share that with us? Sure.

Morgan:

Yes.

Brad:

This is

Morgan:

Journaling. Journaling. Journaling is very helpful. I personally enjoy journaling, but there's a social psychologist, Dr. James Pennebaker's, and he did research that identified two traits of individuals who cope well along the journey to recovery, an outlet for their feelings and a mindset about the trauma that fosters closure and clarity. So he talks about that, and he believes journaling can help with that. Dr. Pennebaker found that those who confided their emotional wounds in writing experienced dips in their mood as they were writing, but ultimately felt significantly happier and less anxious than the students who did not spend time journaling.

Brad:

And he did a study with one of his classes and he had his students do that.

Morgan:

Oh, true. Yes, yes. So journaling reportedly gave the students and the people that he worked with increased clarity about their trauma and brought them to a place where they could think about it more easily. And the exercise also improved function and participant's immune systems, which is amazing. Dr. Pennebaker concluded that confiding helps individuals confront, understand, and mentally organize the trauma, lessening its damaging effects. So that's pretty amazing. And I think if you're putting those feelings and thoughts onto paper, it's almost taking it off your shoulders. And I could imagine that would help your immune system.

Brad:

It really does. It's

Morgan:

Amazing.

Brad:

And Morgan, there's some different ways that journaling can become more effective. When you do begin to journal,

Brad:

You

Brad:

Really want to remove distractions. It's important to locate a fairly secluded space where your focus won't be impeded by people noises or other distracting stimuli.

Morgan:

And you want to be consistent. Consistent is consistency is very important. And I remember Dr. Pennebaker recommends journaling for 15 to 30 minutes on four to five consecutive days.

Brad:

And that's really important. And just being consistent with it because it'll help you. Sure, you might feel a little worse when you're riding, but when you're going to feel better because you're dealing with it, you're not putting the pain away, you're not putting the trauma away,

Morgan:

You're stuffing, you're not stuffing it. Yeah,

Brad:

You're not stuffing it. Sometimes moving past this is like hugging a cactus. I tell people, you go out and lost in the desert and you've got a terrible sunburn on you and you're dehydrated and you meet a person that lives in the desert, and this person is not wearing very much clothes. They look like they, they're also skin burned, but it's not destroying them. It's not peeling, it's not painful. And they told you how they got better. They said, see that cactus over there? I went over there and hugged it. I helped my skin, it healed my skin, and I no longer felt dehydrated, and I can survive in this desert. And in a way, that's what this is like. We're hugging a cactus when we're journaling, when we're dealing with the affair, when we're talking about it with our spouse is it feels horrible when we're doing it. And you got to squeeze that cactus tight. You got to wrap your arms around it, and you got to bear hug it, and it's penetrates your skin and it's already sunburned and you're dehydrated. But when you're doing that, it has healing energy and has healing properties to it.

And that's what we're doing. And lo and behold, you get better. You start feeling better. And that's what fair recovery is in a lot of ways. You're hugging a cactus,

Morgan:

And I really like the next thing. Inspiration, beginning with the traumatic event can spur the flow of writing as long as it's not a topic that's so upsetting that it becomes a distraction. Sometimes you can use a journal that has topics to write on. I'm sure there are a lot of helpful journals out there.

Brad:

And Morgan, that brings up the idea of being honest. This is your journal. It's a wonderful outlet to address topics you often think about but are too uncomfortable to admit to yourself or too embarrassed to discuss out loud writing can sometimes help you make sense of your feelings and therefore deal with your trauma in a way that conversation or internalizing simply cannot do.

And you're writing for yourself. And so it's important that this is also very private. It's important to write with no one's thoughts, opinions, or approval in mind, but your own in order to ensure total honesty. And some of this, because there is heightened emotion there when you're writing about something as difficult and painful as an affair is, even though you may feel strong emotion for a short period after journaling, most people do report having felt a sense of relief and peace as the long-term effects of journaling. Most people report feeling sense of peace as the long-term effect of journaling.

Morgan:

Right? And so having a clean slate, this is a valuable opportunity to cleanse your mind of worries. And many have experienced relief from insomnia by journaling before they go to sleep, which is really nice. Kind of gets all those crowded thoughts off your head, off your plate. However, journaling can sometimes trigger painful thoughts like you're talking about, and reminders. So it's important to use discretion and feel free to stop journaling at any time if it becomes too difficult. Just

Brad:

That's important.

Morgan:

Keep in touch with yourself.

Brad:

Yeah, that's important. You don't want to squeeze that cactus too strong, but it's still going to help you capitalizing. It's important to supplement journaling with therapy. It does not replace the value, the valuable help of a trained professional counselor.

Morgan:

Right? That's important.

Brad:

Yeah. It's not a supplement supplements. It's not a replacement. And another thing you need to do with this is take action. If journaling has helped you identify an unhealthy influence or pattern in your life, take steps to confront this issue in a healthy, productive way to incite positive change in your life.

Morgan:

And that's one thing that a counselor can do as well, help you to take those steps and to iron out what to do next. And another is finding closure. Journaling is an excellent way to close a chapter of the past and move forward with peace and clarity. Dr. Pennebaker says that as a rule, if a person can express their feelings about the past and see the events in a different light, he or she will mentally rehearse it less often, so it'll be less intrusive.

Brad:

And that's important, Morgan. It does help you find closure. I want to share a story real quick with a couple I've worked with. This is a situation where the wife was betrayed and the husband wanted to leave and she began to journal. And I'm really proud of her because I've seen a lot of people lose her Cool in that type of situation. And she said what helped her not lose her cool was she began to journal. She began to write. Instead of venting to other people and doing all that and trying to get ahold of him, she began to journal. And that really helped her just get this out of her system. So this journaling, it's very valuable.

Morgan:

And something that we've mentioned in the past that some people find very helpful is they might write it down on paper and take it out in the backyard and burn it or dig it in the fireplace and have a, let's get rid of this, these feelings, bonfire

Brad:

And Morgan, that's important. I'm glad you're bringing that up because people when they do journal and you really want to destroy it after you write it and you can destroy it by burning it, tying it to a balloon and watching it float away, that's a

Morgan:

Good one.

Brad:

And there's a psychological effect where it's getting lifted off your shoulders, you're beginning to feel better. And with journaling, you can also write prayers out to God. You can also write that person who's betrayed you a letter. You can write the affair, partner a letter, but don't send those types of letters. I had somebody that one time journaled and she said, those letters you're supposed to write, but not send 'em to anybody while I did.

Morgan:

Oh gosh.

Brad:

And all this, it was really bad because they had, shortly after that, there was a family wedding and this was a family member, and it really kind caused a big stink and a big fuss. You're going to say some things that you need to be very honest about. These are not the type of things that you need to give to somebody or let somebody else see. So after you write it, I think it's best to destroy it. I've also journaled, and I've used this just sometimes with daily stress, and I left it on the kitchen table every time I walked by it in the kitchen table for a week. I was just annoyed. I just saw it and it triggered where I got really annoyed. So if you do this and you really should, you need to destroy it or put it in a place that nobody can find it, and good ways to destroy, it's to burn it, cut it up, flush it down the toilet, or tie it to a balloon and watch it float away. And there's a psychological effect where you're seeing it go and you feel released, and it does help you feel better.

And maybe those feelings will come back, maybe be less intense, keep journaling again. It's going to help you with that. And so that's really important. You need to at least try journaling a few times before you just roll it out completely.

Morgan:

Good points.

Brad:

Morgan, the other topic I want to discuss today, and this is very helpful, is depression. After someone's betrayed, there can be a lot of depression, obviously, and for most people there is significant amounts of depression and also depression can lead to somebody having an affair. Sometimes the betrayer was depressed,

Maybe not major depression, but at least a mild depression. We've seen that quite a lot. Yeah, we have. And here's how depression can play out in your relationship. The depressed partner will typically withdraw out of the relationship because they're depressed. The other person, the non-depressed partner, will feel frustrated and powerless to make a difference. And they will respond usually with frustration and criticism, which makes the depression worse. And depression can feed the negative cycle in that relationship. So if you're depressed, the more critical you become or the more you'll withdraw. And many depressed people want to change their surroundings, and that sometimes means leaving the marriage. And depression is common right before an affair. It's a precursor to an affair. And so people who are depressed tend to be critical and irritable or they're withdrawn and they shut down. And how if you're married to someone who has depression, the most common way that that spouse is described is they're lazy. That's the best description that's given of them.

Morgan:

And sometimes we've heard where people, they sometimes seek an antidote to their depression because their mood is so low and the chemicals are so low. Sometimes an affair can pull them out of that depression for a temporary time.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. Limerence depressed, you meet somebody, it feels good because

Morgan:

Those chemicals

Brad:

That

Morgan:

Are released in the brain, it kind

Brad:

Of exactly

Morgan:

Takes away the depression for a time. So they become somewhat addicted to it sometimes.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. There's also, now, if you're depressed or if your spouse is depressed, you need to know that being critical and judgmental makes it harder for your spouse or partner to recover. And 50 to 70% of all mothers suffer from postpartum depression. Wow, that's a high number there. Yeah. That's really high depression. It disrupts sleep and sexual desire. And many times conflict is simply caused because one of the spouses is depressed, they're critical, they're irritable or they're withdrawn. And so also there are, when someone is depressed, they have a hard time expressing their needs. They have a hard time accepting anything

Morgan:

From

Brad:

Their partner, and that's really important.

Morgan:

That is right. And so kind of the symptoms of depression, a few of them are difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions. Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness, persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that just don't ease with treatment. Fatigue and decreased energy, feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness, feelings of hopelessness and or pessimism. Sometimes people say they have insomnia or early morning wakefulness or issues with excessive sleeping. There's irritability and restlessness like you had talked about, loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex overeating and appetite loss. And of course, we're not diagnosing anyone. These are just some symptoms that people who are depressed, they do experience.

Brad:

And if you're depressed, obviously getting help for that is really important. And it's important to remember that depression is common. If you have it, you're not weak, you're human, and it's treatable.

Morgan:

There's different types of depression, so there are some that need medication and some that Some are just situational, right?

Brad:

Yeah. And exactly. And part of this is getting help. Depression is common, is treatable. Here's some things that you can do that may be helpful. One of those is professional help. If you're depressed and it's causing you to have an affair, you may need professional help. If you're also depressed after your partner's affair and that depression isn't lifting, you may need professional

Brad:

Help.

Brad:

And so here's some things that you can do. One of those is just taking a warm bath. Warm water helps with depression.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

That's important.

Morgan:

Yeah.

Brad:

Physical activity. You need to get moving. You need to go to the gym, even going with your spouse or a friend going, walking. But physical activity will help with depression, and that's huge.

Morgan:

We talked about journaling as well,

Brad:

Right? Yeah. Journaling will help with depression and finding ways of connecting with your spouse. If you can do that around physical activity, that's great. If your spouse is too depressed and they don't want to walk with you, give them the room to have that ability to say, no, I don't want to walk right now.

Morgan:

And don't believe that always. It's personal. Depression is not really personal typically.

Brad:

And that's what people typically, they feel like, gosh, why are you upset? Why are you this way? I can't shake you out of this many times. What

Morgan:

Did I do wrong?

Brad:

Yeah, what did I do wrong? Cause you always blah, blah, blah. You always acted this way. And the non-depressed spouse will feel like it's personal when really it's not. They're really stuck in a very depressive state. And so what's really neat is how getting a pet can help people who are depressed feel better. Many times people who are depressed connect better with animals and with people. So getting a pet is helpful.

Morgan:

Interesting. Yeah. Accepting appreciation and giving appreciation back to your spouse. This can be hard. You need to practice small things. Often express appreciation after appreciation at least one time a day or the first week. So expressing appreciation.

Brad:

Appreciation is important.

Morgan:

It's very helpful

Brad:

Because if you're depressed, you're typically critical of yourself and you have negative thoughts. And so hearing somebody else appreciate you, it's really important. Another thing is just check in with each other. Ask how each other's days are going. Discuss how events are going. Listen, don't judge. Don't try to give advice and fix. Just listen. And also, Morgan, I like what you said about appreciating, but another thing is encourage your spouse to have dreams and to follow them. Encourage them to have goals. And because depressed spouses typically don't feel like they're entitled to have any dreams, depressed, people often don't feel like they can voice their dreams because they don't feel like they deserve to have any dreams.

Morgan:

Gosh.

Brad:

And so encourage your spouse to follow their dreams and to have 'em and have fun together. You need to go out and have fun together. You're trying to go on it and have a good time. Don't be cranky and mean. Don't run the mood.

Morgan:

Try not to at

Brad:

Least. But yeah, go out and have fun together. That's really important.

Morgan:

Get around friends and family are supportive and connect with them. Getting around anyone will help you. You can't be isolated. It just adds to the depression.

Brad:

And Morgan, that's really good advice because most of the time depression follows a feeling of loss and isolation. So if you can get around people that'll help.

Morgan:

And it's a deep introspection that is negative.

Brad:

Exactly.

Morgan:

So set priorities and simplify tasks to reduce the stress, make it simple and just make time for activities you enjoy. Get about eight hours of sleep a night, so enough sleep can help, but don't get too much sleep. Try to get out of bed, eat more healthy foods and take vitamin D. That can be very helpful.

Brad:

Yeah, Morgan, you're right about that. With getting eight hours of sleep a night, this is really interesting. The lack of sleep is the basis of all mood disorders.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

And they did some studies on this. If you go 30 days without eight hours every night, if you go 30 days without eight hours of sleep every night, that could trigger major depression. And they've done studies on this where if you don't have any stimulants like energy drinks or caffeine and you got six hours of sleep for 30 days, most people would be very depressed. But of course in our culture, we're taking caffeine and stimulants and coffee and different things like that, energy drinks. So we're not seeing, we may not have that quite that impact, but if you didn't have any of that, you would be. And so it's really important just to take that, to get enough sleep. 60 minutes did a special some years ago, or they did a topic on lack of sleep, a show on lack of sleep. And what they discovered was, what they reported was if you go six days without eight hours of sleep, if you get six hours of sleep or seven hours, you're in a pre-diabetic state. That's right. If you only go a week, and they did lab rats where if they didn't get sleep for a week, it killed them.

Morgan:

So

Brad:

Sleep is really important to our health. We don't know a whole lot about it, but we do know that the basis of mood disorders is really a lack of sleep. And so getting enough sleep is really important.

Morgan:

So don't medicate yourself with caffeine. That's a big problem.

Brad:

And getting enough sleep and really eating, like you mentioned, healthy foods, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, taking vitamin E, like you said,

Morgan:

They talk about St. John's wart as well for depression. That's very helpful.

Brad:

Fish oil, St. John's Wart, those are some things. If medication isn't something you want to do, those are natural alternatives. And again, set goals for yourself. Someone once said, happiness is the pursuit of a goal moving forward, having something that you're working towards, it creates those positive endorphins. You're feeling happy working towards a goal, and again, get professional help

Morgan:

And having a secure base with one that you love, your spouse really helps. If you guys can work together, you can really defeat depression. There's a lot that you can do.

Brad:

And Morgan, let me say this, we're out of time, but let me say this. One of the most important things that you can do with depression is to get treatment. Part of what we're talking about is overcoming trauma. I heard this from someone, I can't give our listeners who said this, but they were talking about how effective treating trauma is. They said it's 10 times more effective if you go to individual therapy than if you just take medication for it.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

And so get individual help. If you have it, it's not going to go away on its own. You're not weak. Everybody has dealt with it at some point in their life. It's understandable that you're going to have depression after an affair, get help for it.

Morgan:

And couples counseling is also very helpful for relieving depression,

Brad:

Of course. And in fact, that's one of the best ways to relieve depression

Morgan:

Because how much better would it be to have your spouse there hearing where you're coming from, hearing what's happening for you, so that when you leave the counselor's office, you have someone there to work it out with you to be there as a support system. It's huge. In some ways, it can be just as helpful, if not more helpful than individual counseling because you do have a partner there to work through with you.

Brad:

Yeah, exactly. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed at healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing Broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice. I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.

Ep 18: Stages of Trauma Recovery - How To Get Through It Once And For All

Brad:

Working through the trauma. To be honest with you, it really depends on how well a person who had the affair is being a healer, if they're going to work, how successfully they work through the trauma, because that person who's been betrayed needs honesty, they need answers, they need closure on this and they want it resolved. But these things that we're talking about with the trauma, it keeps people stuck in a way where you can't think about anything, but that

Morgan:

You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert if you're wanting to heal your relationship after infidelity. This is the podcast for you and we're officially on episode number 18 and we're talking about the steps that you can take to recover from trauma. Alright, so we've had this little mini four-part series of trauma. We're at the fourth part, and we're talking about how to recover from this trauma. And if you haven't already, make sure to download episodes 15, 16, and 17, which are the first three parts to this trauma series. And also episode one is really useful as well to kind of understand this in context of the seven stages of the recovery process. So make sure to do that, it'll really help you a lot.

And in addition to that, make sure you go to our website, healing broken trust.com/episode 18. That's the number 18. Download the free resources. They'll really help you to follow along and to really make the most out of this podcast so that you can really, really have the healing you deserve. So that's again, healing Broken trust.com/episode 18. Get those resources, make the most of them. Also, you can leave a message on our website as well. You can actually record an audio message. It can be totally anonymous if you want. And we do have weekly calls that you can join us on when you go and download those free resources. We offer that as an option for you to take advantage of as well. You can ask those questions live, and if you leave a message, we do make sure to answer those questions on our weekly call, and you're welcome to join us. There's a promotion that we're running on there as well that you can take advantage of. I think it's a dollar for the first month. So go to healing broken trust.com/episode 18. And let's get started. We'll start today's show with a listener question.

Okay, this question comes from a gentleman in Broken Arrow and he says, it was really helpful to learn that I'm not crazy, like I truly believed I was since I've been acting so jumpy and suspicious all the time. Instead, learning about the symptoms and triggers in the last show helped me to realize situations that I need to avoid in order to get through this. But I would really like to know how do you know you're recovering and what is the process? We've been talking about the affair recovery process as discovery, ambiguity, trauma meaning forgiveness.

Brad:

We've been talking about those

Morgan:

Stages,

Brad:

Those individual steps, but even with trauma, there's steps within trauma.

And so that's what that person's wanting to know. So let's talk about that. We've talked about trauma in terms of symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. For many people, it's the most difficult thing they've ever experienced feeling like discovering their spouses betrayed. And so dealing with that injured spouse's sense of trauma, it does follow an outline. And part of that, the first part is outcry. In this period of outcry, there are strong bewildering emotions. And the injured spouse, they feel stunned, overwhelmed, and probably have a strong sense of anger that their spouse cheated and the affair partner.

And sometimes that anger is really more rage. And so there's a strong sense of anger and they feel stunned. They're overwhelmed. A lot of bewildering emotions, just people start feeling crazy. And it's just kind of this emotional rollercoaster that starts the next stage after outcry is avoidance and denial. An injured husband probably this guy probably feels numb. He has no desire, so he withdraws some people, avoids other people. During that time, the guy that emailed us, it's not uncommon for him to feel constricted emotionally. And usually you'll see people like this just stare blankly into space. Has anyone in his shoes would he probably, well, he really needs to be getting back to life as usual and engage in things that he did before he found out about the affair, things that were important to him, like work, sports, kids, household responsibilities. But after the affair I've noticed is many people report feeling like the world is gray at this time. Many people feel physically and emotionally numb. They may even find they have no desire to talk about it. There's an outcry, then there's avoidance and denial, and people just want to really avoid it. They want to withdraw and avoid other people. And part of that is because they feel so much shame about it. They feel so humiliated, they feel so really stupid, just they feel like, gosh, I've been betrayed. This has happened to me, and here you are treating me like this.

Morgan:

I'm crazy.

Brad:

Yeah, well, I'm crazy, but just the way trauma works, it's almost like one of those things you don't know until you've lived through it, until you've gone, I mean, you can read about it, you can hear me talk about it. And this is one of the things with betrayers is commonly they haven't been betrayed. And so when they're trying to help their spouse heal and be a healer and nurture or supportive, they really become dismissive. And so they get stuck and they can get stuck in this avoidance and denial stage. And so a lot of people don't want to talk about it. They'll go numb. And when you go numb, you're blacking out even the positive emotions. And we've talked about that before,

Morgan:

And we're talking about trauma recovery, and we had a question about how do you know you're recovering and what is the process?

Brad:

Well, as I was saying, the first part of this is there's an outcry. There's avoidance and denial, and then you have intrusive thoughts. Once the denial wears off, people start who've been betrayed, start experiencing intense emotions and thoughts related to the affair, and they begin to break into your awareness in your mind. Once that avoidance and denial wears off, you start thinking about the affair much, much more become like an obsession at times. And so these thoughts are accompanied by physical arousal, the strong ways of thoughts and emotions. Typically, they can wane for a time giving people a feeling of normalcy. Okay, I'm not thinking about it. I'm not obsessing about it, but I also don't have these thoughts just popping into my head.

Morgan:

Maybe elaborate a little bit on the outcry part. What does that look like? Is it yelling? I mean, you talked about rage, but are they looking for help? Are they looking to their

Brad:

Spouse? What is it? Well, I think in some ways they're stunned, they're shocked, just overwhelmed, oh my gosh, this, what are we going to do? It's almost like finding out somebody you love has cancer.

Morgan:

They're so confused and

Brad:

So yeah, you're just shocked and maybe you're upset and you cry. It's kind of a stunned feeling,

Morgan:

Kind of like the discovery process.

Brad:

But then also people just, sometimes that stun ness wears off too and they just get really angry sometimes when people feel obsessed and have intrusive thoughts, those are two different things. Obsessive is you have a hard time, just stop thinking about it yourself. You can't put it down. And then intrusive thoughts are those times you're not thinking about it. There's all these little reminders and we've talked about that. And so these intrusive thoughts will also make that person physically aroused. So our person that emailed us is probably experiencing some physical arousal in a sense. These strong waves of thoughts and emotions, they can wane for a time, give you a feeling of normalcy, but they do return. And feeling aroused is common during the very early days and weeks of affair recovery, A lot of factors that go into how long it really takes to overcome an affair. But it lingers when betrayed spouses feel uncared for by their partner, by their spouse who had the affair or when they feel like they don't understand what drove their spouse to have the affair. So it's two different things. If you don't feel like you're really cared for,

Then it can wane, or excuse me, it doesn't wane. It will continue. The intensity will continue. The intrusive thoughts will continue. And so if they don't feel cared for, they're going to continue to have intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Or if they feel like, gosh, I don't understand what drove you to have an affair. I don't understand your thought process, I don't understand why, then it's going to continue to wane.

Morgan:

And that goes into the meaning process. We'll talk about.

Brad:

Yeah, and I said to continue to wane. I mean, it'ss not going to wane and it's not going to relax. It's going to continue to stay at that pattern of intensity and obsessiveness, and it's going to make you feel like you're crazy, but you're really not. This is a normal predictable pattern that people experience after an affair, but they do feel crazy. But like I said, you're not crazy if you're experiencing this. And so many betrayed spouses, they'll experience hypervigilance during this time, and that's the feeling that causes them to snoop around and to investigate whether or not what their spouse is saying is true or not.

Morgan:

That's where he's talking about suspicion. He's very suspicious.

Brad:

And so there's outcry, avoidance and denial, intrusive thoughts. And then there is the next part of this working through the trauma. And I would say this is probably the longest period, obviously a lot of people I work with, outcry, very short avoidance and denials, very short, intrusive thoughts can be a very long period for people, especially if they're struggling with understanding why. And if they're struggling with their spouse isn't really being there as a nurturer, as a healer, as being supportive. And if they feel like their spouse is continuing to lie to 'em,

They're going to stay in that place. But working through the trauma, to be honest with you, it really depends on how well a person who had the affair is being a healer, if they're going to work, how successfully they work through the trauma. Because that person who's been betrayed needs honesty, they need answers, they need closure on this and they want it resolved. But these things that we're talking about with the trauma, it keeps people stuck in a way where you can't think about anything but that. So let's talk about working through the trauma. When people start working through the trauma, they start feeling like, okay, the time has come where I need to work on this. And they're ready to face the reality of the affair. They've experienced all these thoughts, all these feelings, they talked it through with their spouse and hopefully properly trained counselor who can help them through infidelity,

Morgan:

Which is very much different than just marriage counseling, standard marriage counseling.

Brad:

Yeah, I would say infidelity. It's absolutely different.

Morgan:

In what ways do you want to talk a little bit about,

Brad:

Yeah, I'll say this. How infidelity recovery or a fair recovery is different than marriage counseling. It falls under the banner of marriage counseling because you go to a marriage counselor for it, but it doesn't fit the mold of, I would say just

Morgan:

Communication.

Brad:

Communication, improving our sex life. And sometimes people will come to marriage counseling, oh, we had an affair, we've got to improve the marriage. And they think that's what they have to do. But really what needs to be done is the injured spouse needs to understand this. The couple needs to understand this. The person who's had the affair needs to work through issues that drove them to this.

Morgan:

But it's really important to know that you still, even with a fair recovery, you don't want to go to individual counseling to work on the marriage.

Brad:

No, that's a bad idea.

Morgan:

Even though you need to work out individual issues, the best way to do that is in marriage counseling. Correct?

Brad:

Yeah. And of course, if you go to somebody individually, they may be somebody that works with a marriage counselor, but sometimes that's a bad idea to go to somebody individually just because a lot of people don't understand infidelity. So basically you're working through the trauma, how you're working through it is you're ready to face it. There's false beliefs about yourself that you're correcting. You've grieved for the loss of the affair, you're starting to feel healthy again. A new commitment is made to the marriage with both spouses pledging to give a hundred percent to the marriage. And you're at a place where you feel like the marriage is stronger than it was before. You feel like you can finally move on. And one of the things I like to emphasize is that if couples get stuck at a stage before it's completed, then these feelings and symptoms of PTSD will continue and you just get stuck and you keep going back. But most couples who outlined what we're talking about, and this is good news, I want to emphasize this. One of the things, if couples follow what we're talking about, they're going to feel like the first three months is going to be the hardest period of time.

But that's only if they're a hundred percent honest. They're disclosing things. They're in regular therapy every week, they're getting the help they need. They're really jumping in, and both of 'em are tackling this and really trying to conquer this after three months. Not that I'm saying you're a hundred percent recovered, but the trauma aspect, you feel like it's significantly diminished. Sometimes people get stuck after a year of time. They still feel like they did when they first discovered or like they did when in the early stages.

Morgan:

And that's because both people are not both feet in being completely out there and honest.

Brad:

And there may be other factors at play, but we'll get to that in a second.

Morgan:

But you're talking about the first three months.

Brad:

So the first three months for a lot of couples is generally the crisis period

Morgan:

Where the shock is the biggest

Brad:

Shock. It's the shock, it's the outcry, it's the intrusive thoughts, and they only get to that place where they feel like not that the affair is behind them, not that it doesn't hurt, all I'm saying is that their first three months is generally the crisis period for a lot of couples. If after about six months you're still feeling how you do after maybe the first month of working on things, there may be more at play. And part of that may be the betrayer is not really being there as a healer, not really being honest, not really being who they need to be, so they're not being honest. So you can't heal. And every time there's a lie or something like that that has to be corrected or you're not being transparent, it's going to really hold back the injured spouse. But this is really important though too. Sometimes with being betrayed, what will happen is we get stuck because this is traumatic. It can activate old wounds as well. And so sometimes people who've been betrayed, you'll only know this if you are about six months in, you're not really getting anywhere and you're still feeling the same way and your spouse is being, there is a healer. They're trying to do everything right at that time. It may be a good idea to look into individual therapy. And there's some really neat breakthroughs that have occurred in helping people overcome trauma. And so do you want to find a good trauma therapist who can help you individually work through this? But I would only do that after trying to work through things as a couple first.

And that would be something that your marriage counselor could give you advice on how to find somebody who to go to. They may be working with somebody that they can refer you to.

Morgan:

What you're saying is that's after six months of both people being completely out there and completely honest and completely

Brad:

Transparent. And I want to say that's a good question because one of the things we get, a lot of times we will get people into our office who have done no work on the affair after a year, maybe two years, sometimes even five years. Then that person feels like, okay, I'm past this trauma aspect. But after having worked on it for six months, you still feel like you do it day one, you don't need to drop marriage counseling, something's probably going on. Your marriage still needs help. But what you need to do is you need to seek individual help as well for trauma. For trauma, for maybe past hurts, past abuse, past deep wounds, past hurts that you experienced from people. You need to get help for that

Morgan:

Completely unrelated even sometimes to what happened with you and your spouse, right?

Brad:

Yeah,

Morgan:

Parents or whatever.

Brad:

And let me say this, I want to get onto how people know they're recovering, and I want to get to that in a second. But so the first three months is really the crisis period. A lot of people feel like the trauma, they're not past it, but they really feel like, okay, I'm a lot better than I was

Morgan:

Progress.

Brad:

I still have some bad days. I still some dark days, but I feel like I'm a lot better. After six months, you feel like you're not getting better. You probably need to see an individual therapist, but do that only after talking with your marriage counselor about that, who's helping you work through infidelity. The first year anniversary, you should be feeling a lot better than you do, but that's going to be a rough time

For people. And also holidays are going to be rough for people. Valentine's Day, Christmas holidays, family get togethers these times that should be really important. Those are going to be rough, and it's going to take about a full two years if everything goes right for you to feel like you're past it. If there's a lot of lying in the beginning and a lot of deception going on, it's going to push you back at least six months in the affair recovery process. And so I want to get into that next question that you had Morgan on how to recover from the

Morgan:

Affair. How do you know that you're recovering? What is that process? Yeah,

Brad:

Okay. Basically how you're recovering from the affair. Number one is you can recall or dismiss the affair at will.

Brad:

And

Brad:

What I mean by that is you're no longer experiencing intrusive memories of the affair. You're no longer experiencing nightmares, flashbacks, or these triggers. So it's something you choose to think about. It's not just this random haphazard flood, flood of thoughts, an onslaught of thoughts. It's something that you choose to pick up and look at in your mind, and it's something that you choose to put down in your mind.

Morgan:

You have

Brad:

Control. You have control over it. The second is you can remember the affair with appropriately intense feelings. What I mean by that is you can look at it without getting really angry, but you can also look at it, and this is what people need to understand. You can also look at it where you're no longer detached or emotionally numb.

Morgan:

Interesting.

Brad:

And what I mean by that is that's part of that avoidance and denial. And people can live there and feel like, oh, everything's okay, because they're an avoidance in the dial.

Morgan:

They're grinning and bearing it.

Brad:

Yeah. And one of the things that happens with trauma is people feel and they feel like they're watching somebody else's life. And so the third thing that how you're recovering as an individual from the trauma aspect is you can identify feelings about the affair that you are experiencing without becoming overwhelmed. You can identify your feelings about the affair without going numb or disassociating,

Morgan:

Which is something we talked about.

Brad:

And what I mean by disassociating is tuning others out, by immersing yourself in solitary activities instead of withdrawing. So you can identify what you're feeling about the affair without becoming overwhelmed, going numb or just withdrawing

Morgan:

From going into your hide hole and not coming out.

Brad:

Yeah. And then a couple other things. You can predict feelings of depression and anxiety. That's how you know you're recovering. You can start predicting feelings of depression, anxiety coming. They may not be gone completely, but it's at least tolerable. Wow.

Morgan:

Yeah,

Brad:

And here's the other thing. You're recovering from an affair as the injured spouse when you can allow yourself to be around other people and have the emotional capacity for empathy.

Morgan:

Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Brad:

So that's really important. And you're recovering when you have uncovered the meaning from the affair. And that's what our next show is going to be about. You're no longer obsessed and replay the information you have in your head. You're no longer just obsessed replaying things. It's not like a movie reel going on in your head and you've been able to accept yourself and no longer practice self blame. Many times people when they've been betrayed is they blame themselves for what's happened. And let me say this, it's important to understand that the affair recovery process for the injured spouse is different with every injured spouse. Sometimes there's other factors that go into this that make the trauma recovery portion longer. Past wounds are a factor that goes into this sexual abuse being cheated on before other relationship issues that you've had from within the marriage can make it more difficult. And are they being honest? That's something that you need to know. Are they helping you? And so those are factors that go into it. That's about it.

Morgan:

Well, that's fantastic. So much more self-aware, much more able to connect, and less hurt.

Brad:

Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed at healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time

Ep 69: 3 Things You Need If You're Feeling Stuck