In this episode, we delve into the profound challenges faced by partners who have been betrayed. Discover the ten most significant pain points that arise after infidelity, from feeling unsafe and grappling with trickle truths to dealing with intrusive thoughts and the loss of self-worth. We share insights and practical steps to help you navigate these emotional hurdles and find a path to healing. Whether you're struggling with anger, grief, or the loneliness that betrayal brings, this episode offers a roadmap to reclaiming your life and rebuilding trust. Join us as we explore the complexities of betrayal and provide guidance for those seeking to heal and move forward.
Transcript
Morgan (00:06):
So in this video, we break down the 10 biggest pain points that betrayed partners face. And it's important to realize that betrayed people, they're not crazy, right? We're not crazy. These are real trauma responses and there are practical steps to help you feel grounded and steady again. So if you want a clear roadmap and a proven plan for healing that won't waste your time or your resources, visit us@healingbrokentrust.com. So Brad, let's talk about the 10 biggest pain points for betrayed partners after infidelity.
Brad (00:37):
Yeah, we struggled to narrow it down just to 10. There's a lot more than this, but these are probably the 10 most common, not any particular order, but the first is the biggest pain point of the 10 biggest pain points. The first one is that usually the betrayed partner feels very unsafe with the person they used to trust most. So I used to trust you the most. Now I feel extremely unsafe with you for the first time. I'm really afraid of you, not for physical safety, but emotionally, what can you do to me? I know what you're capable of now. So if you've been betrayed and now you feel like you're living with a stranger, that's one of the most painful parts. The person who used to be your safe place now feels unpredictable. You don't know what's real anymore. And that's a common thing that people will say is they don't say these words, but it's like basically they have shattered assumptions. They don't know what's real anymore. So their body's on high alert. They begin to feel stress, tension physically that they didn't feel before. They usually lose weight. They're not eating. They can't hold anything down. They're not sleeping. They can't relax. And so their mood switches, usually they're watching their spouse's mood, their partner's mood, trying to read them. They're watching their phone, their routines.
(01:54):
They're trying to check what's different about you. What can I see that's going to tell me that you're up to no good or you're going to hurt me again? So their nervous system is scanning for danger, and they're trying to protect themselves from getting blindsided again. It's actually really painful, and a lot of people feel crazy because of that.
Morgan (02:12):
Yeah, and this is in no particular order. But the second one is really needing the full truth and feeling betrayed by details later. It's that trickle truth that can re-traumatize. It can re-traumatizing to you if you get new information over and over. You think you know what it is, and then you don't. And so it can be very scary, but one of the biggest pain points after betrayal is the desperate need to know what really happened, what really happened, what really went on. And your mind wants the full story because missing pieces make everything feel unsafe. Like you're standing on shaking ground, right? It's not steady, it's not consistent. And that's a real indicator of stress and struggle. And so when new details come out later, it can feel like being betrayed all over again. And it's not just the original behavior, it's the feeling that reality keeps changing. What I thought was true isn't true anymore. I know it's definitely not what it used to be, but every time I get something new, it's all over again. The triggering. It's just terrible. And so you can't trust what you are building on, and that's what it feels like because the rug keeps being pulled out from underneath you. The foundation crumbles every time you get something new.
Brad (03:36):
What's interesting, Morgan, is a lot of people who've been betrayed will say that process of what you just described actually hurts more than the initial discovery of infidelity, which you wouldn't think. You think, okay, there's an affair. A lot of people have a mindset of like, okay, if you ever cheat on me, we're done. Right?
Morgan (03:55):
Hear that all the time.
Brad (03:56):
That's everybody kind of thinks that. Then it happens to you. That's where there's confusion because you're like, well, I still love you now. I'm afraid of you. There's still good in you. I definitely don't trust you, but I didn't quit loving you right away.
(04:11):
And what you just described is really important because that can become a part of a negative cycle where the person who broke trust thinks that by not sharing details, that they're actually helping the betrayed partner feel better. It's like, well, if I tell you this, it's going to make it worse for us and it's going to hurt you more. So let me not share this some things that may not be the worst, and I'll hold back some of these other details that might actually be the worst. And then when you find out these other details that were the worst, or maybe just other details, period when you thought you already had the whole story, that ends up hurting people more
New Speaker (04:51):
Than
Brad (04:51):
The initial discovery. Now I'm hurting. Now I'm hurt, and I need you now in a way. I didn't need you before and it's very clear, but then you're hurting me. So what you just described is really important because that creates, in some ways, like a bigger injury. And at the very least, it feels like starting over again. And for people who've broken trust, it's very counterintuitive
New Speaker (05:14):
Because
Brad (05:14):
It's like, well, I wouldn't want to know this. I don't want to know these things that you're asking. And what's interesting too, Morgan about that is that I've had spouses where both of them have been betrayed in the same year. They both were having their own separate affairs. It gets discovered, and then they both have different ideas about what they need to heal. One partner wants a lot of details. I need these questions answered. The other spouse is like,
Morgan (05:38):
I don't want to know.
Brad (05:39):
I don't know anything. Why are you asking me all this? And so they really think this, I don't want to know this stuff. You're asking for it. That's just going to make it worse. So they get into this almost like a mismatch on what's needed. It's like, well, I need this, and I'm projecting that onto you because I think that's what you need as well. But when we do that and it's easy to do, we actually are shortchanging the healing process because the spouse asking for it feels like, yeah, you're not choosing me anymore. You're choosing them. You're still hiding. You're still playing games. You're still engaged in secrecy. So it's very counterintuitive. And so that's a common thing that people who've been unfaithful will need is like, I don't want to know this. Why are you asking me for it? And then they think, how much is too much if I tell you this and you already know about one and there's a second one from earlier in our marriage, or one that's even smaller than this, maybe even worse than this, but I already know what that's done. What is this other thing going to do?
(06:43):
And people think, okay, we're healing. We're healing. But then later they find out trickle truth, and they actually feel just as hurt as they did by the initial discovery, even when it wasn't as bad of information, that's going to be obvious. They're going to feel pretty bad when it's equal to or worse information. But when it's not even as bad information, people can feel chest or worse,
Morgan (07:06):
It's very much it's jarring.
Brad (07:08):
And the next one, Morgan. And the third thing that betrayed partners really struggle with that fill deep pan around is they get these intrusive thoughts in mental movies. They can't turn off.
Morgan (07:22):
Yes.
Brad (07:22):
So they will picture things. They will imagine things. They'll even see them together sexually, and they just can't turn that off. That's one of the biggest pain points. When I work with somebody who's been betrayed, I will help them through a process that helps them turn off those mental movies that's actually really effective. So if you're struggling with that, that is a thing that you can do where you can get help with that, and we can help you if you want to work with us. But they really struggle with those intrusive thoughts, mental movies, even sexual images that they can't turn off. And people who've been betrayed really can't stop thinking about that. So as images pop into their head, they replay those scenes that weren't there before, and they really just feel like their mind is stuck on a loop that they didn't choose. They're really intrusive thoughts. And intrusive is usually it's an unwanted thought. It's like you're having the worst mental images in your mind. It feels like torture, and you can't turn it off and you don't know how to turn it off. And what that leads people to do is it leads them to start avoiding things.
New Speaker (08:26):
Well,
Brad (08:26):
I can't go by this part of town where they live or where the affair happened. We're going to get rid of the car that you had the affair, and we're going to do this. We're going to do that. I got to turn off these things. I got to avoid these things. And it works temporarily time. It works for a time. Yeah, obviously it's going to help cool down some damage. It's going to provide some stability. But if that's all a couple does is avoid the pain, they're actually going to stay stuck, ironically. And that's part of what we help people do is get unstuck. What we help couples do is we help them face these things together in a way that gets them unstuck. And then they can work through these conversations so they're not living in a place of avoidance. Because avoidance, ultimately what that means is we're going to lose our connection. Because when we live in avoidance, at its core, we're numbing out the pain, but we end up numbing out good emotions as well. That's right. And when people have these intrusive thoughts, they show up anywhere at work, when people are driving, when they're trying to sleep, even during normal conversations, they show up all the time. When I was betrayed, I couldn't get rid of it, just my mind was on a mental loop. I even took, I don't know if we've talked about this, we haven't talked about this in a long time, but I took up a hobby after I was betrayed. It required a lot of mental effort. I would go ice skating.
Morgan (09:51):
Oh, I remember
Brad (09:52):
That. I can't roller skate. I can't ice skate. This is after that Will Ferrell movie came out. He was like an ice skater. But it was like the first time in my life I learned to ice skate
New Speaker (10:03):
And
Brad (10:03):
I would fall on my butt every time. It was horrible. Leave practices with concussions or it wasn't that bad, but it was a 30 minute break because all it did is required me to think and really concentrate,
Morgan (10:18):
To stay upright,
Brad (10:18):
To stay upright, not fall. And it's like I just needed something that was hard that I was not good at, that required a lot of mental effort to get away from these intrusive images. They dominated my life.
Morgan (10:30):
Absolutely.
Brad (10:31):
And it led to me feeling numb. All I did was avoid these images. I didn't know there was a way to work through it.
Morgan (10:40):
If you avoid the pain, you're going to, like you said, I think it's very important to reiterate, numbing the bad. Also numbs the good. So if you numb out the bad, you're numbing out the good, and then you just have more numbness. So avoiding it might work for a time, but you have to deal with it. Can't just shut it out, not,
Brad (11:05):
And you need a process. We're talking about don't avoid it. And you got to face it. There's a process on how to heal from this that you need. And otherwise people just stay stuck in this. And my situation, I didn't know any better. I used a tool of avoidance and five years later, it still was bothering me that this had happened to me. Like we're married now, I'm happily married. I begin to do marriage counseling, begin to work with people, and they're describing to me what they were feeling after being betrayed. And I'm like, holy crap. I still have some of these feelings. So some of these thoughts. So avoidance helps a little bit. It has a place, but there is also a path to healing that you need to engage in
Morgan (11:52):
For deeper intimacy,
Brad (11:53):
For deeper healing, deeper connection. Otherwise, what people do is they just kind of turn off all emotions and it shows up as anxiety and depression later, and parties still dead inside. And what was interesting for me is I got around people who went through what I had gone through, and it led to probably at that point, the worst depression I'd ever gone through my whole life, ever. Not just up to that point. And it really, it was the trauma symptoms reemerging, because after we're married, we didn't have issues like that. But then I got around people whose stories were familiar, who were describing pain, I felt, and I hadn't dealt with any of it. So then I have five months of just deep depression because all of that stuff I never addressed came back and surfaced again.
(12:45):
And that's how that avoidance showed up in the beginning. It's triggers like we're describing and intrusive thoughts, but when we don't heal, we begin to use avoidance to heal and avoid people, places, things, and it makes sense. So I'm not knocking it entirely, but if that's all we do, those trauma symptoms over time are going to look different. Or we don't have the intrusive thoughts, we don't have the triggers the same way anymore. But what we do have is we feel anxious, we feel depressed. We feel like part of us is dead inside, and it affects our ability to connect with another person. So that's part of what we do, is we help people work through that. So if you're struggling with that, let us help you. Even if you're kind of new to this tragedy that's happened, I wouldn't wait too long to go get help for this. And of course, if you've been struggling with this for a while, for months, years even, you can still get help with it. Just don't wait, don't put it off. Don't keep avoiding.
Morgan (13:41):
Right? Yeah, it's really good advice.
Brad (13:43):
Yeah. So Morgan, what's the fourth thing?
Morgan (13:44):
So the fourth one would be, so triggers, triggers everywhere. Phone buzzes, dates come and go places, tone of voice, silence. So after betrayal, almost anything can become a trigger, a ringtone notification, a certain street, a holiday, a smell, even a look on your partner's face. So things that used to be neutral suddenly feel threatening. So one second, you're okay. And the next, you've got knots in your stomach and your chest is tight. Triggers don't just bring back the memory. They bring back the full body panic and the pain, and it's like it's happening in the moment. So those triggers, those are a big problem.
Brad (14:31):
And Morgan, those triggers that you just described, they trigger those old feelings. Here we go again. But they also trigger us back into the negative cycle as a couple. So one of us, the betrayal gets triggered by ringtone or you're not home when you said you would or I look you up on a finder app and you're in that part of town where the affair partner lives. That isn't just a reminder. Reminders are like, oh yeah, I remembered them when this happened. A trigger is it has the gut punch with it. And I feel those same things. I feel that rawness still,
(15:08):
Not just I feel bad or Yeah, that was unfortunate. It's like a gut punch. Again, those unresolved things are there that kind of ties into the fifth pain point that betrayed partners have. And that's a loss of self-worth. They begin to feel humiliation. Humiliation is actually a really strong word. There's feelings. Was I not enough? They begin to feel like, do I look stupid to other people? Other people know my family knows. My friends know if their partner knows, obviously. But am I stupid? Am I not enough? Why did this happen? And when people can be develop insecurities, they never thought they would have and not really be an insecure person, but they go through this rejection, this betrayal, this abandonment, and then they begin to feel some degree of self blame. Not that it's true, but they begin to feel like, okay, I brought this on myself somehow I didn't do enough. So what betrayal does is it attacks our identity. It's not only like, oh, I'm hurting. What does this hurt an injury and this rejection and this betrayal say about me? What kind of person am I that gets betrayed? What kind of person am I that didn't notice this? So we begin to question ourselves, our looks, our value, our judgment, our ability to trust ourselves. That happened to me when I was betrayed. I was like, oh, I'm good with people. I know how to read people. I'm good with this and that. There was one warning sign and overlooked it. I trusted the person.
Morgan (16:36):
Right? It
Brad (16:38):
Shakes you up. Yeah, it shakes you up and you feel stupid. I felt stupid and I wasn't an insecure person, but I had new insecurities I didn't have before. So that humiliation feeling can be really sharp, can be really critical. People can feel embarrassed. They feel exposed. They feel like people can somehow tell what's going on. So we hide, we shrink, we pretend we're fine, and really we're just falling apart inside.
Morgan (17:01):
Yeah, that's really hard.
Brad (17:02):
So those are all things I experienced when I went through this.
Morgan (17:05):
And for me, having that shame just right there, it does feel like everyone can see it, that everyone knows all of your dirty laundry when they really don't. But it feels like they can just see it. They can read your face or your body language or somehow you're carrying it as a big sign above your head. And that can be really hard. So the sixth one, anger that feels uncontrollable. So you're feeling these pain points. It comes out as anger that can feel uncontrollable. You've got rage snapping, resentment. So we're snapping at the people in your life. But anger after betrayal can feel huge and unpredictable. You might snap over. Small things feel irritated all day long, or have moments of rage that scare you because they feel bigger than really who you are. So you're not an angry person and you're surprised at just how angry
Brad (18:03):
They're overwhelming. It's
Morgan (18:04):
Overwhelming. Yeah. And sometimes it's not even about what's happening in that moment. It's really the buildup of shock or unfairness and pain that keeps spilling over in your day to day. So especially when you feel unheard or dismissed or alone in your pain. And so those are really important. That anger can be a big problem. A big point.
Brad (18:28):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Morgan, that anger, part of that anger that can be there is really we're grieving. And that's the seventh pain point that betrayed partners have.
Morgan (18:36):
It's evidence of it. Yeah.
Brad (18:37):
Yeah. There's grief, which grief for the relationship they thought they had. So they're mourning the old us. Sometimes you'll hear people say, okay, you've been betrayed. Now we can work on marriage 2.0. I've heard a lot of people say, well, I still want marriage 1.0. I don't want marriage 2.0. I don't want to go through this process. I want old us back. And so there's a real deep grief that comes with betrayal that people don't always expect. You expect, okay, we're going to be angry. Yeah, you might be hurt if you find out. But they don't expect this lingering sadness and this grieving process that's going to be there. So they're not only are they grieving for what happened to 'em, what their spouse did, the betrayal they did, they're also grieving for the relationship that they had and the person they thought their spouse was.
Morgan (19:26):
They thought
Brad (19:27):
If you were this person, I've met so many people where their spouse, it's not even necessarily infidelity, but their spouse did something that was really bad, something, not anything to get arrested or anything like that, but just something really bad. And they are so shocked. How could you do this? This is devastating. And they feel destroyed by that. They're grieving because they're like, who are you? I thought you were this person that I respected and had this high respect for that kind of thing. So for people who've been betrayed the past can start to feel confusing. The good times don't mean what they thought they meant. And sometimes this grief is like what did, especially whatever timeframe the affair happened on, if it happened 30 years ago,
Morgan (20:12):
And
Brad (20:12):
Then they just find out, they're like, this whole 30 years has been a lie.
Morgan (20:15):
Oh gosh.
Brad (20:16):
Or it's the affair happened for six months or three years. This whole three years, this whole timeframe has been a lie. Yeah, that's a part of their grieving. And those good years don't actually mean what they thought it meant. The trip we were on don't actually mean what we thought it meant. And again, for the future, future that they pictured together, like us as grandparents, us traveling when we're retired, all these things, these plans, the security of growing old together, all of that feels stolen from them. And there's real grief about this, and people who are on the outside don't really understand it. They feel like you should be angry and you should leave. So if you want to talk to somebody about this, even therapists, they're not really supportive. They're like, well, why haven't you left? As if leaving is going to stop
Morgan (21:01):
The grieving, right, the pain.
Brad (21:02):
Well, it's like as if it's going to stop the pain, as if it's going to stop the grieving, as if it's going to make everything okay or it's going to change the
Morgan (21:08):
Future somehow magically, where you're able to be intimate with another person or something like that. And it's not that way. Your whole 30 years, your whole life, your marriage is totally not what you thought it was. It shakes you up big time. Yeah,
Brad (21:23):
Exactly.
Morgan (21:24):
Yeah. Do you want to do the eighth one?
Brad (21:26):
Yeah. The eighth pain point for betrayed partners is they really begin to, they are faced now with hard choices that don't have any good answers. So there's the idea of stay and leave. Do we separate? Do we not separate when we try to heal this or work on it?
Morgan (21:42):
What do boundaries look like?
Brad (21:43):
Yeah, what do boundaries look like? They're faced with things that they never thought they were going to face. When we marry somebody, we marry somebody that we consider to be strong and wise. Somebody that has admirable traits that we like, that's maybe different than us. Maybe we have similar values, that kind of thing, similar perspective on the world. But I'm marrying somebody that I ultimately trust that I don't think is going to do this. Even if we went through it before, I think like, okay, you're going to be different,
Morgan (22:07):
So
Brad (22:07):
I'm going to marry you. Then they go through this. Now they're faced with all these hard choices. So betrayal often forces, choices we never wanted to make. We never wanted to be confronted. We have to make those questions. Are things like we already mentioned, stay or go separate? Do we try again? Do I tell people, do I need to keep this private? Do I need to set boundaries? And if I do, am I going to be accused of being controlling, which is maybe how you felt I was, or I didn't care? How do I show up? Is that going to push you away? If I stand back a little, is that going to lead you to feel like you did? Why you think you had the affair? It was like, I wasn't enough or I was too much.
Morgan (22:46):
None of that feels good at all.
Brad (22:48):
Yeah, none of those options feel good. So nobody wants to confront these things and it can feel like you're choosing between two kinds of pain and you're expected to decide while you're still in shock, exhausted and emotionally wrecked. The best piece of advice I could give you, if you're in that ambiguity stage, you're like, do I want to make it work? Do I not want to make it work? Is really just give yourself a full year before you make any life changing decisions before you leave the town. Sometimes people will move. That's a really common thing. I'll see people move.
New Speaker (23:18):
They
Brad (23:19):
Will switch jobs. They will
Morgan (23:23):
Decide they'll dye their hair.
Brad (23:24):
Well, that's maybe a smaller, and I guess the woman, that may be a bigger thing, but I don't have any hair. So there's these different questions that they have. Number nine, Morgan, do you want to share that with us?
Morgan (23:36):
Let's do number nine. So number nine is really important. Sex and intimacy and being confused in that. So having discussed fear, comparison of yourself with the affair partner or anything like that. Wanting closeness but not feeling safe. So intimacy after betrayal can become confusing and painful and you might want closeness, but feel unsafe at the same time. So your heart wants connection, but your body pulls back. So our bodies, we've heard, they keep the score, they tell us what they're feeling and we can feel all of these things and not know what to do with them. And so you might feel that disgust or fear or pressure or intense comparison, wondering what happened, what you don't know, or whether you can ever feel special or chosen. Again, even simple touch can feel loaded and complicated. It can feel so uncomfortable. So having that, the confusion and the disgust, all of those feelings is very normal. It's definitely a pain point because sometimes our partner might not mean to, but they can pressure us into having that intimacy before we're ready. And you may not really fully understand why you don't feel the comfort like you once had. Maybe you do. Sometimes it seems logical, but then it doesn't at the same time. So that sex and intimacy piece is so difficult and so painful, especially when we do, parts of us do want intimacy where parts of us don't. Making sense of it all is very hard. Anything you want to add to it?
Brad (25:16):
No, I think you did great.
Morgan (25:18):
I think that's important. So we can do the last one here.
Brad (25:20):
Number 10. Yeah. The 10th thing that people will feel who've been betrayed, the 10th pain point is there's now loneliness and isolation that wasn't there before. They don't know who to tell. They feel judged. People do know, or they think people are judging them and sometimes they are judging them. And then ultimately they have to carry it alone, and then I have to carry it alone with us. You've betrayed me. You're acting like you get it, or you're even trying to help me get better. I'm now carrying this alone. So betrayal certainly is one of the most lonely experiences a person can go through.
New Speaker (25:55):
Absolutely.
Brad (25:56):
I had a friend tell me, Brad, you don't here, Brad. Here's how you get over this. Just stop thinking about it. And I'm like, you don't think that's occurred to me? That was the number one strategy I've tried for the longest time.
Morgan (26:07):
Yeah. Just to stop,
Brad (26:08):
To avoid
Morgan (26:09):
It. Okay.
Brad (26:10):
Yeah, sure. That works.
Morgan (26:11):
Yeah.
Brad (26:12):
So obviously when you're betrayed, you might not know who to tell or you may feel people will judge you if you do stay or judge you. If you don't stay, that can happen. That's less common, obviously. But ultimately people who've been betrayed will carry it alone. They may smile in public but fall apart in private. They feel like no one truly understands. Even their therapist may not get 'em if they're in a church setting, they feel like the people in the church don't get 'em or their pastor doesn't get 'em, that kind of thing. Family doesn't get 'em, friends don't get 'em, and that isolation can make the pain feel even heavier, louder. It feels like it's never ending isolation.
Morgan (26:49):
So all of the people know,
Brad (26:50):
Can't get away from this. I'm alone in this. So those are the 10 biggest pain points for betrayed partners. After Infidelity where Brad and Morgan Robinson healing Broken trust,
Morgan (27:01):
We
Brad (27:01):
Would love to meet you and work with you. We have workshops that are structured that really are positioned to really help you excel at healing, like work through this very quickly, as compared to just marriage counseling, which usually doesn't have much of a focus every week. It's kind of like, Hey, how are you doing? You're confused. What are we working on? We've been doing this a while. There's still no game plan. We're not getting anywhere. That kind of thing. And so part of what we have crafted are workshops that are highly structured that are meant to give you a blueprint to heal so that you can accelerate the healing. And we focus on the key things that get you the most results.
Morgan (27:44):
That's right.
Brad (27:45):
We base it on the Pareto principle. What are the 20% of things that get us to 80% of the results so we can really accelerate our healing?
Morgan (27:52):
That's
Brad (27:52):
Right. We'd love to see you guys there. Thank you for listening.
Morgan (27:55):
Yes, thank you for joining us, and we'll talk to you next time.
