As you may know it is so very hard to talk about the pain of betrayal. It is hard for both partners but for different reasons. Putting our feelings into words that make sense is part of the challenge. Well no fear! We get that started for you here in this episode. We dive into some of the things the unfaithful partner very often feels, and wishes they could put into words, but often struggles to do. Let us know if you have something you'd like to add!
Ep 3: Why Do We Fight or Avoid Talking About The Affair?
In the negative cycle we each play a part in perpetuating and maintaining it. When we encounter our feelings the action tendencies we decide to take are how we maintain the cycle. So when I said that we feel hurt (primary), so we show anger (secondary), then we DO SOMETHING to try and take care of it, solve it, and bring ourselves and our relationship back to homeostasis. This is the part we play. There are four types of interactions within the cycle or four ‘parts’.
Ep 5: 1st Steps To Truly Healing And Moving On
One of the first steps to healing is to get started. Listen to this and then join us for the Complete Healing Broken Trust Program
Has it been hard to break out of the negative feedback loop?
If you have listened to our podcast you are familiar with the patterns of interaction that keeps couples stuck in the healing process.
It's what makes communication so dang hard! And ultimately what makes healing together pretty impossible.
Yesterday I outlined the 4 crucial components to Healing Broken Trust completely.
Check out 31 Secrets to Healing Broken Trust Minicourse
Today let's talk about the Application stage of the puzzle.
The reason so many struggle to get out of the negative patterns of interaction AKA Negative Feedback Loop is because:
You need help taking the head knowledge and making it heart knowledge.
No other counselor, therapist, coach, program, book, or vacation can do this for you like we can.
But why not?
Simple, it's not taught in school.
Let me give an example...
I was speaking with a man the other day who said that his therapist told him that he needed to forgive his wife.
The therapist said he needed to write it down on a piece of paper and bury it in the backyard and never bring it up again.
Sadly this is common. Have you been told this before? How would that work for you?
The problem is, not only is it extremely dismissive of his feelings and needs, but it's going to make the underlying issues that caused the affair so much worse!
But bless the therapist's heart he was doing his best!
Frankly, you deserve better. So does everyone you love and ever will love because this is your whole life we're talking about here!!
Over the last 16 years we've worked with couples 1-on-1 and in workshops and have helped them actually heal.
We know what other helpers don't know.
We know that you can't do marriage work when trust is still broken....that means a vacation won't fix it.
We know how to heal your emotions so you can actually be present with your spouse so trust can be restored....boy it's hard to talk when you're upset.
We know how to give you long term results so you don't stay stuck in patterns that give you the same old results over and over.
There's so much more...
The point is you need the right person, with the right skills and knowledge, to help you apply the information you're learning.
And someone who knows how to get to the heart of the matter so you're not spinning your wheels wasting years of your life.
How we help...
2. You'll be able to immediately login and work through our couples master class and individual master class simultaneously.
3. Listen to a pre-recorded workshop and/or RSVP for a upcoming live workshop.
4. And join the live weekly group meetings
Ep 6: #1 Secret to Healing
Yeah, we're going to explain a necessary and important step to healing from an affair. And I want to present a balanced view to this because this can be taken in such an extreme that it's very, very, very unhealthy for a couple and for their marriage.
Because ultimately what we're doing when we are recovering from an affair, is we are dealing with trauma and we are helping the marriage get back on track. We're not just helping one individual get back on track. And so that's what we are working for. And so what I want to talk about is really how we can have the betrayer become…
Ep 7: Why Do Some People Never Really Get Over Infidelity, Communicate So Poorly, Avoid, or Fight, & Never Get To The Truth?
Transcript:
Brad: Let me just give you a little recap. Five types of negative cycles--I only want to focus on three of these. One is a complex cycle that usually involves someone who's survived some of trauma. And then the other cycle is when one person gets burned out, usually the one that has been pushing for things gets burned out.
And so, I'll explain that in a second. The three most basic types are the pursuer-distancer cycle--distancing is commonly known as withdrawing and so this is the most common cycle where you have a demanding spouse interacting with a withdrawing or distancing partner. And that pattern, the distancing or stonewalling position is shut down, non-responsive spouse.
And when they experience that, it's often a feeling of panic or aggression or anger where the pursuer says I'm going to make you respond to me. That's what the pursuer really want, is they want to get a response and sometimes when they don't get it, they force it. They want closeness and to feel important and needed.