Our Parts In The Cycle
In the negative cycle we each play a part in perpetuating and maintaining it. When we encounter our feelings the action tendencies we decide to take are how we maintain the cycle. So when I said that we feel hurt (primary), so we show anger (secondary), then we DO SOMETHING to try and take care of it, solve it, and bring ourselves and our relationship back to homeostasis. This is the part we play. There are four types of interactions within the cycle or four ‘parts’.
One type is Avoid/Avoid. In this cycle both people avoid the conflict at almost all cost. People in this cycle just hate to fight or experience rejection so they just avoid talking about their feelings or concerns at all. To many people they appear to be “perfect” or ideal couples. They never fight - but they never feel close either. They just feel stuck most of the time.
It is really important to be mindful of what happens when you get to de-escalation with couples like this. Their cycle is characterized by few to no arguments so when they begin to exit their common cycle they begin to discuss more concerns. To this couple who usually does not like to address hurtful things this feels like things are getting worse but it’s really just that you are moving in a direction where you can talk about concerns without ignoring them and letting them build and build.
The reason these couples come for help is because deep inside they really want to feel close. They want to ask for wants and needs and have a real deep connection with one another. They just don’t know how to share themselves with their spouse without feeling guilty, dumb, or burdensome so they keep to themselves.
A second type is Avoid/Pursue. In this cycle one person avoids conflict and the other takes on the problems more directly. Now notice I said, “more” directly. That doesn’t always mean they are attacking in nature or even that others would notice any hint of criticism or defensiveness. Sometimes the pursuit is subtle and sometimes it’s very obvious.
It is how each person is perceived by their spouse that makes the difference. If a pursuing person approaches for a want or need and doesn’t feel cared for by their spouse then they usually get louder, more persistent, or demanding.
The way their avoiding partner will respond is by shutting down, getting quiet, closing off emotionally. Often this is done to save face, protect oneself from being attacked, or avoid conflict as to not make things worse.
But of course the pursuing partner doesn’t see it as helping. Instead they interpret it as “I don’t matter to them” or “I’m not as important as their phone right now”. Then the pursuer will up the ante and they often get louder which is the opposite of what the avoiding partner wants to have happen. What does the avoider do? You guessed it! They get more quiet, more withdrawn, and more distant! No one gets what they really want.
Over time a pursuer gets tired and begins to give up. When the avoider sees this they often times freak out a little (or a lot) and then they begin to reengage. The problem is that the pursuer has felt so uncared for and ignored for so long they are simply not interested any more. The good news is if you are willing to come to counseling then you can certainly make it and we can help you.
A third type of cycle is a Pursue/Pursue cycle. In this cycle both people in the couple takes the problems head on. Sometimes couples will find that their normal cycle of pursue/avoid is interrupted with periods where the original avoider reengages for a time to be a pursuer.
This is very much like the popular expression of “putting baby in a corner”. When an avoider feels provoked to the point that they can’t hide anymore they will periodically lash out and their pursuing partner will feel a strange sense of relief because they are getting something from their spouse. Not too much time goes by and they are back to their old pursue/avoid cycle.
That isn’t always the case. Sometimes individuals in the couple will just naturally be pursuers. Sometimes it has to do with personality and sometimes just learned responses over time.
This couple is known for their arguments. They sometimes get loud and their kids and the neighbors hear them arguing. They may have escalated to physical altercations but not often.
These couples feel amazing when they recognize their cycle, have help breaking out of the cycle, and deescalation is obvious to them because they aren’t fighting like they used to. They can really feel close emotionally and ask for what they want and need without their spouse having a conniption.
So, so far we have talked about the negative cycle. We now know that primary emotion is what we express to draw closer to our spouse and break out of the negative cycle and secondary emotions and their action tendencies perpetuate the negative cycle. When we can drop our knives and realize that our spouse is not the enemy then we can begin to share our primary emotion safely and drop our defenses.
