Episode 4: How to Fall Out of Love With The Affair Partner
Transcript:
Morgan: We're going to talk about how move past and get rid of the feelings that you have for that affair partner right?
Brad: Yeah, really how to fall out of love and this is important. Many times, not every affair is a limerent affair, not every affair has this component to it, but when it does, it is very, very, very difficult to break. And so if you have been listening to this show and you know somebody who has gone through an affair or they are currently struggling with an affair, I would encourage you to tell them to listen to this show.
Morgan: Okay, will you remind us of what is limerence just for the audience who hasn't heard?
Brad: Yeah. Limerence again, that is the feeling of infatuation, love sickness, romantic love, obsessive love, love addiction. And limerence is the name that was given by psychologists for that – that fits that description.
Morgan: Because the English language really doesn't have like the Greek language where there is [01:06], multiple words for…
Brad: Different types...
Morgan: ...for love.
Brad: Love is kind of a very inclusive word and so we talk about we fell out of love and then you talk about love is a choice, different things like that. It can get a little confusing. But with limerence, limerence is very addictive and it grows in stages. At the beginning of an affair when this is occurring and when it's just starting, the betrayer is content to see the affair partner every now and then. But as that addiction escalates, as the romantic love or infatuation or obsessive love escalates, they feel like they have more and more of a need for their drug.
And so as this addiction grows, they feel the need to be with their affair partner more and more until it develops into a craving and eventually they feel like they cannot live without their affair partner. And we talked about that type of affair where – and we see this often, that limerant affair, this type of affair where even after the affair is made known and people can start marriage counseling, they will still be involved in the affair and they haven't ended it.
And as I frequently see that where people will come in after they've had an affair discovered and they've worked on it and the spouse thinks it's okay, nothing is wrong there, the betrayer may not be experiencing limerence, but the affair partner might and so they can be very, very persistent and keep it moving and draw that person back in. And so with this, we've got different ideas and we're not going to be able to get through all this today, but we have different ways where limerence can be broken, you can fall out of love for with somebody. And so this is really important because this is where, with limerence, it's this addictive romantic feeling.
As it grows more and more, the betrayer is more likely that they are going to want to be out of the marriage and be with their affair partner. And then because of that, there is a much greater potential for relapse where this person will go back to the affair partner, much like a drug addict would. And so what we're going to talk about today Morgan is how to fall out of love, how to end this love obsession.
Morgan: Yeah, definitely. That's very important, definitely important. So these things that we've written, we actually have this on paper as well, but they are not suggestions. If you are serious about rebuilding the marriage, you need to follow what we're talking about here. So remember this addiction, it can be ended, it just takes determination and time right Brad?
Brad: Yeah and the best method, all these are really coming from this starvation point of view. We talked about how to end limerence last time a little bit. We talked about how limerence ends whenever that love is returned back, you find that person loving you back, it can end that way and it can also be transferred from one person to another, but this is how to get out of it completely, how to just stop it. And so it can go from one affair partner to the other affair partner.
Morgan: Oh so limerence can be transferred. Brad: Hmm hmm.
Morgan: Those feelings can be transferred from one love object as what we've called them to another love object. Brad: Hmm hmm. And it's rarely the spouse where it is transferred to them.
Morgan: Interesting, I wonder why. That's interesting.
Brad: Yeah, it's really is if the spouse – and a large part of that I believe is because people are looking – the spouse is reality; you're raising children together, you are paying bills together, you know this person. There's not really a whole lot of newness to it. In an affair, everything is new and because it's new, it's exciting, it's different. And that's the environment that limerence can grow in.
Not that you can't have romantic feelings with your spouse because you can and that's something we're going to get into in a couple weeks, is how to have romantic love with your spouse. But limerence isn't something that you typically have, you may have it in the beginning of a relationship and so people don't transfer it to their spouse.
Morgan: Well thank you for listening today. You're listening to Healing Broken Trust radio, we help couples and individuals with relationship issues. You can give us a call at 918 – 281 – 6060. And we have 12 points here, right Brad?
Brad: Yeah.
Morgan: 12 things that we need to talk about?
#1 - You need to remove all evidence of the affair partner
Brad: Yeah and the first is, to get out of this, is you need to remove all evidence of the affair partner; throw out any cards, letters, delete them off social networking websites like Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, other websites out there. Get rid of them. You do not want to be reminded of this person and see them. It's only going to make this grow. So you want to starve yourself, get rid of any evidence of this person.
That's the number one thing. And let me say this, prepare yourself, you're going to go through a grieving process because you are losing somebody out of your life and people don't grieve what they are not losing. So if you see your spouse grieving this, you know they're probably ending it or it's done.
Morgan: And it's very much like an addiction. I mean cocaine or any kind of major addiction, they have to go through that withdrawal period, it's just normal. So very much like that, right Brad?
Brad: Yeah and so the best thing is remove everything, get them out of your life. We talked about cutting them out, get them out of your life. You have to cut them out. Morgan: 100%.
Brad: Yeah.
#2 - Don't call or write the affair partner under any circumstance
Morgan: The second one here, don't call or write under any circumstance. If you see them at work, on the street, you need to depart immediately – run, run, run. We've worked with couples where the briefest contact with that affair partner can fire up the brain chemicals associated with the romantic love and you'll be very close to having a relapse. So it's just very, very much like that chemical high, can't even look at it without having issues.
Brad: Yeah exactly. Basically what this is, is the starvation again. This is if you call or write them, you talk to them, you communicate with them – you're going to find yourself, oh, I miss them, I want to be with them. And this is something we commonly see in our offices, is people will come in, the affair was over.
It was discovered in October and it was over in October, but then it wasn't really over. They thought it was over, they did marriage counseling. And then in July, boom here you go, the affair wasn't over, it may be ended briefly, but somebody contacted because they miss them, the affair partner either contacted them or the betrayer contacted them and they got back into that love addiction again.
Morgan: What the limerent affair is like is they mull over it and they think on that person. It's kind of all in their mind until that person comes and maybe responds and returns that affection or opens the door.
Brad: Yeah, we've worked with couples where just any contact with the affair partner, it triggers them into having a limerent affair again. They are right back in it and they want out of their marriage again and they feel guilty and we've worked with that.
#3 You need to have a note card to carry with you that has on there, the negative traits of the affair partner.
And what I mean by that is, so when you find yourself thinking about that person, you can pull out the note card with their negative traits and that will help you overcome the romantic attraction and feelings that you have of that person.
With limerence, we've talked about earlier how you only notice their positive qualities, negative qualities aren't really taken into consideration. Even average qualities are heightened and that person is made more into like Superman or Superwoman and they are made more into a...
Morgan: Kind of an idol.
Brad: An idol or an object. And so if you think about their negative qualities, the things about that person that you don't like, that will help you end this.
Morgan: I bet it will help too to write on that same card reasons for staying with your spouse, reasons for not letting your mind wander into that in mind field.
Brad: Yeah, that would be helpful. Yeah, but you need to focus on the negative qualities of that person because it's when you start thinking of those positive qualities, that release is pleasurable. You're thinking of somebody's positive qualities, it's something that you are drawn back to again. So if you think about their negative qualities, that will help you...
Morgan: And the positive qualities of your spouse.
Brad: Yeah and that will help you not want to go back to the affair partner.
#4 - Fantasize about your spouse
Morgan: If you are a person of faith, you can put quotes from the Bible or quotes from positive people in your life. But the next one, next you will need to spend regular time fantasizing about walking arm in arm with your spouse. So kind of like you were saying on the card you can even put positive things about your spouse, but start fantasizing about your spouse. And you might even create places that you guys can go to like the beach and…
Brad: Yeah and let me explain why that's so important Morgan, is limerence is really, is something in your mind, something that you obsess about. It's something that you've created in your mind, it's a fantasy. You can do that with your spouse, that will help you fall out of love with the affair partner and it can help you redevelop feelings for your spouse again. And so you need to picture yourself being with your spouse, walking arm in arm with them, being romantic with them, basically recalling the good times that you had with your spouse, that's really important.
Morgan: And if those are hard to conjure up, then definitely creating those positive moments.
#5 - Stay busy, keep your mind on other things, reinvest yourself back into the marriage, stay busy rebuilding the marriage.
Brad: Yeah, yeah. The next one number five, is stay busy, keep your mind on other things, reinvest yourself back into the marriage, stay busy rebuilding the marriage. And what I mean by this is kind of idle hands of the devil's workshop. If you're idle, you're not busy, your mind is going to naturally be drawn to this, probably what preoccupied your time, the majority of the time and so stay busy, read a book, get involved with other stuff, just keep your mind busy so you're not thinking about the affair partner.
Morgan: Yeah, if you're like me, have a big long to do list for a book you always right here to do's in helps keep you busy.
Brad: Yeah, but just stay busy because generally, as a general rule of thumb, you can only focus on one thing at a time. And so if you're focused on something that keeps your mind busy and active, you're not going to be thinking of that other person, you're not going to be thinking of how you miss them.
Morgan: Interesting, the next one is distract yourself from the affair partner, call friends, go back to church, get involved in hobbies etc., but don't ignore your spouse while rebuilding the marriage, right Brad?
Brad: Yeah, distract yourself. You need to starve yourself from the affair partner. You need to stay away from them.
Morgan: Don't make yourself vulnerable again to that.
Brad: Yeah and part of this, I'm not really a huge fan of people being around their affair partner, simply because of this – let me explain what I mean by this. Some people say when you cut off the affair partner, it's okay if you still work with them as long as you're professional. Guess it's a case by case scenario, I'm not a huge fan of that idea.
Morgan: Yeah, it seems like it's a breeding ground for trouble.
Brad: It can be. Well and it doesn't really create a lot of trust for the betrayed spouse, so I'm not super crazy about that.
#6 - Start exercising
Morgan: Yeah, you want to do the next one?
Brad: Yeah, number seven is start exercising. Any kind of physical exercise will make you feel better especially physically strenuous exercise, it's known to drive up levels of serotonin*, endorphin and dopamine in the brain, giving you feelings of euphoria and calmness.
Morgan: Yeah, that totally makes sense.
Brad: And here's why this is important especially in understanding love sickness, limerence, what we've been talking about, obsessive love, is there is dopamine when you have that, there is euphoria when you have that and exercise is a way to replace that.
Morgan: Yeah and it's positive. It's very healthy.
Brad: Yeah and it's not just – it has to be strenuous exercise because it will drive of those levels of serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and it will give you that feeling of – it's a way to replace what you have been getting and no longer are getting. So you need to do some strenuous exercise.
#7 - Have a proper diet
Morgan: To go along with that, you can have a proper diet. Avoid foods that you know will harm your body especially avoid sweets and tell them about that.
Brad: Yeah Morgan, why this is important is this is really important because usually people who get trapped in limerence, love sickness, obsessive love, there tends to be an underlying current of depression or sadness there. And exercise helps you get out of that sadness, it can help. It's one way, having a proper diet is another way.
And a lot of times, how we – what we eat, the foods we eat, they can actually lead us into feeling sad and blue. And so we need to really try to do anything that – avoid things that makes you sad. This is important because when you feel sad, you're going to be – you're going to want to go back to that affair partner.
Morgan: Yeah and if you're not sure of a proper diet for you, you definitely contact a nutritionist or your doctor even because it's important. We are not nutritionists, that is we don't have details for you on that, but definitely contact your doctor and get that information.
Brad: Yeah and that's important. Just having a proper diet and especially avoiding sweets because you will feel blue again. And then people's natural tendency has been is to go back to the affair partner when they are sad. It's kind of a – it's like a drug, it's whatever you feel…
Morgan: It is a high.
Brad: Yeah, it is a high. So when you feel down, you go use your drug again.
#8 - Stay away from the places you went with the affair partner
Morgan: Well the next one, stay out of the places you and the affair partner went. Okay, so you don't want to have flashbacks. Go to new and different places and take your spouse. Don't listen to the same songs, in a word* avoid the people, places and things that can trigger a desire to be with the affair partner.
Brad: Yeah and this is really key. Again, you are starving this person out of your life. They are not a part of your life. So if you went to a particular restaurant with them, this person or you went and did particular types of activities with this person, avoid those locations.
Morgan: Like the plague. Don't even drive past it if it's on your way to work. Take another route. You don't want anything to take you back.
#9 - Replace old memories and things with new and different things related to your spouse
Brad: Yeah well and you're cutting this out of your life, you need to replace it with new and different things, new and different places. So part of this could be not listening to the same type of music if you guys listened to music together.
And I would even say don't listen to music period and what I mean by that is, a lot of the music on the radio contains themes, have infidelity in it, with cheating or betrayal in it or they are sad love songs. It's a constant reminder, so take that with a grain of salt, but I would probably spend a while not listening to music.
And basically what you want to do is just avoid those things that can trigger desire for that person, things that you remind you of them and make you want to be with them.
#10 - Ask What Will Happen If I Contact This Person?
Morgan: So the next one, if for whatever reason you are very tempted to contact the affair partner, you need to think it through. What will happen if you contact this person? Think it through, think ahead. What will happen to your family? What impact will this have on your spouse as you two are rebuilding the marriage, rebuilding that trust?
Brad: And really if you are thinking about contacting this person, if you're tempted, you really need to talk to your spouse about this.
If you're tempted, you really need to talk to your spouse.
And okay, you've cheated on them, you're listening to me saying, "Brad I can't do that, I can't go – they're going to freak out on me." Maybe your spouse will get upset, but I think your spouse will also find relief that you are being so honest about them, being so transparent with them. Because with this sort of thing, it only increases mistrust if you do contact your affair partner and your spouse doesn't know.
If you are more transparent, open and honest about it, it's actually going to decrease your desire for it. This kind of thing thrives on secrecy, but if you let your spouse know hey I am tempted or even letting your spouse know hey, they've contacted me and that's something you've kept secret from your spouse, that's very dangerous as well.
Morgan: Definitely let them know and definitely don't let them find out later that you did. A good rule of thumb is just assume that they are going to find out. And the other thing is, is if you're a spouse who is listening to this and you were cheated on, definitely try not to explode right if they do come to you because they are really trying to be more open and honest.
Brad: They're trying to be more open and honest. And it will help rebuild trust, but you need to have that transparency where the affair partner contacted me. If you don't disclose that, you run the risk of a) your spouse finding out, but also b) keeping it secret will cause you to dwell on it more and think about the possibilities...
Morgan: And fall back into it.
Brad: Yeah, very good chance of falling back into it. And so what you want to do is really just go the opposite direction; transparency, honesty and think this through.
Ask yourself questions, what are the consequences of this?
#11 - Antidepresents
And then the next one, 11, the eleventh way on how to fall out of love in this addiction is really using antidepressants. And let me explain this. Commonly people who have recently ended an affair, they have difficulty remembering events or duties, they think obsessively about their problems and the pain coming out of an affair, I've hurt my spouse, I'm miserable, I screwed up so many people's lives.
When you come out of an affair, typically your mood is altered, you're struggling with despair, anxiety, fear, anger and maybe other disabling mood states. And so problems in the body can arise and depressed people can have trouble eating, sleeping, engaging in sex. And here, this is important, many contemplate suicide.
So what people find themselves often doing is if they feel like they need to use an antidepressant, they feel like this is weak, I should be able to handle this on my own. But if you do – and obviously medications have side effects and they are not necessarily a magic bullet for dealing with depression, but what they promise is better than going back to the affair partner or contemplating suicide or getting stuck and being miserable and being unhappy and wallowing in guilt and shame. And so antidepressants can be helpful in this.
And here's the important thing Morgan that
People need to understand, is when people are depressed, they want to do things that relieve that depression and in this scenario, the easiest thing to do is not exercise or eat right because when you're depressed, you lack total motivation. Your spouse usually describes you as lazy when you are depressed especially when you've been depressed for long periods of time.
But what needs to happen, is exercising and things like that, but when people are depressed and they've just come out of a limerent affair, they are more likely to relapse if they don't get the right help. If you don't do these starvation methods and one of those methods is antidepressants, consider that, talk over with your family doctor.
Consider that, but it is something that would be very, very important to look at because you hit a wall of depression what's pulled you out of that in the past has been the affair partner and in this affair. It's been a roller coaster – really hasn't been a roller coaster, it's been a mountaintop experience where you feel great, you feel wonderful and then you come crashing down.
When your spouse finds out, you see how the kids are hurting because you and your wife or your husband are fighting. You see how people are affected by this and you feel shame and guilt. Many times you are looking for things to help deal with this, commonly, unfortunately, too much of the time people go back to the affair partner. They don't…
Morgan: Yeah, when they are experiencing that love, depression again.
Brad: And it's not that they go back to them for good because eventually they choose their wife or their spouse, typically they do, many times they do. But you can avoid all this, more heart ache and it's going to be tougher to rebuild, you can avoid all that, if you just take care of it now. And so that's really important.
#12 - Do new and different things with your spouse
Morgan: Yeah, definitely. And this last one here, nothing beats your romantic feelings you had with your affair partner, like creating that kind of romantic love with your spouse. Nothing beats it than having a good romantic relationship with your spouse, right Brad?
Brad: Yeah, the best thing that you can do is start creating that kind of romantic love with your spouse and we're going to get into that. Basically, how you do that is do new and different things with your spouse, that will help you rebuild that. As we talk about this, this is important for people to know, it is possible to fall out of love with the affair partner if you want to.
Just like falling in love, it's a learned emotional process, falling out of love is something that has to be learned, requires some effort and takes some time, but it can be done. It doesn't have to be a super long grueling experience, it can be something that happens in a matter of weeks or even a month.
It depends on how you do it and these aren't starvation methods, these are thought methods on how to stop thinking about an affair partner, how to stop that obsessiveness, how to stop creating that emotional response to those thoughts, but it's from a different school of psychology, it's from a more cognitive behavioral view, changing our thoughts and changing our behaviors.
Morgan: And it will really help you with that starvation period because I think they're going to help each other. Starving, this is a way to help yourself starve off.
Brad: Yeah and both approaches are the best. Behavioral psychologists claim that after about using these techniques, anywhere from 7 to 30 days, you can fall out of love with the affair partner. I want to jump into this, but let me give a little bit of word on this. This is about losing romantic feelings for the affair partner, not hating a person. And so we're not condoning hatred, we are trying to help you fall out of love with a person, not hate a person.
Morgan: Right, that's very important.
Brad: And so, I wanted that to be a clear distinction. Somebody one time said, this sounds like you're telling us to hate a person and we're not.
And I'll just explain the kind of the background behind these. This is based on the cognitive behavioral school of psychology and with limerence, what's happening is, is we are uprooting thoughts before they have a chance to grow, before they have a chance to take root in our mind and as the Bible says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." And so what we're doing is we're changing the thoughts so we can change how our heart feels about a person and how we can – will be different, we'll see ourselves differently as well.
Morgan: We are running away from these totally destructive patterns and habits.
It’s not about hating someone. It’s about replacing destructive patterns and thoughts with healthy ones
Brad: And what we want to do is – really this is about empowering people who have gone through this because if you've gone through this, you know how difficult this is, if you had a limerent affair and falling out of love with a person. There is almost an addictive quality that people have to that person. And so what we want to do is empower you, so let's go ahead and jump in here Morgan.
Cognitive behavioral psychologists would say that falling in love is a learned emotional process, so falling out of love is something that has to be learned, requires some effort. It takes a little bit of time, 7 to 30 days is what they say.
Here is the first one, it is thought replacement. Thought replacement is a common technique in cognitive behavioral therapy. Thought replacement is the most powerful method for falling out of love. It involves training certain thoughts to stay away in learning to encourage more constructive thoughts.
And here's what I mean by this. With this thought replacement method, what we do is I encourage individuals to make a list of positive items, events, places and situations that don't involve the affair partner.
In the first instance, the affair partner comes to the betrayer's mind, the individual yells stop and they immediately think about something from that list. And so repeating this practice and keeping track of progress, will help the affair partner train themselves to gradually decrease instances of thinking about the affair partner.
Again, this follows that idea of these thoughts can be rooted in our mind and once we grow and we start obsessing about this person and start kind of just, our mind starts cranking and daydreaming and thinking about this person, then the limerence is growing again. Once we notice ourselves going down this path, we can say stop it, I'm not going to do this, stop it and have your predetermined list of things you're going to choose to think about. You can have this on a note card.
Morgan: So we can run away from those destructive thoughts.
Brad: And you got to replace these thoughts, this is a thought replacement method. You're stopping yourself from thinking about the affair partner, what has happened, what they've said or something that has occurred between you two. And you have something already chosen beforehand; it can be Scripture verses, it can be saying to yourself this is a trap, I refuse to fall into this.
Morgan: My family is more important than this fleeting feeling.
Brad: Yeah, I want my spouse more than anything. Just have something predetermined that you are telling yourself because here is why this is important Morgan, we can pretty much, we can only focus on one thing at a time and so…
Morgan: Our brain.
Brad: Yeah, we can only really genuinely focus, concentrate intensely on one thing at a time.
Morgan: Meditating on one thing.
Brad: Yeah. We might have several thoughts a minute about something, but if we're deliberately thinking about something, we can only have one train of thought in our mind at the time.
And so what we want to do is just take the thoughts about the affair partner and replace that with something different, something more noble, something more pure, something more wholesome, but have it predetermined and have it written down beforehand what you're going to do so when this happens, you can say something to yourself. It becomes a reflex. It's like a…
Morgan: Yeah and you say it over and over even, that's very effective.
Brad: Hmm hmm. You say it over and over and eventually, it becomes part of your new thought process and you say it out loud.
Morgan: Yeah, a new reality.
Brad: Yeah, it becomes a new reality. And so then you start losing feelings for that person. It's a very simple technique, a very effective technique.
Morgan: It could take a while or...
Brad: Yeah cognitive behavioral psychologists say 7 to 30 days to fall out of love, once you've had limerence to fall out of love with that person. And I'm talking about people who have been lovesick, just obsessed with somebody, 30 days later to not really have any sort of romantic feelings towards them.
Morgan: Wow, that's amazing.
Brad: It is amazing. And so there is hope out there for this and you've got to – you've just got to apply it.
Morgan: But the next one is what they call silent contempt. And silent contempt is basically, it helps betrayers diminish thoughts of the affair partner further. So it helps them diminish those thoughts especially if contact with the person is inevitable if you maybe work with them…
Brad: You can't get away from them.
Morgan: Or they are your neighbor, they live next door or something.
Brad: Or a relative.
Morgan: Or a relative. This is accomplished by replacing the high esteem of the affair partner with ridiculous humorous image that emphasizes his or her flaws. And again, we're not talking about hating someone, but we are trying to replace...
Brad: What we're talking about is you have them on such a pedestal, you hold them in such high esteem, they are this fantastic person and then just changing that image of them with the image that's ridiculous and humorous.
Morgan: But it should not be an image that insights a sense of pity because you don't want to feel sad for them or want to reach out for them to help them at all, it's got to be something kind of ridiculous. So for example, do you want to give kind of example – we were thinking of some examples before the show.
Brad: Let me say this though Morgan, I want to be clear, this needs to be something that emphasizes that person's flaws. Because when people are in limerence, they don't notice flaws or they are minimized and even their average qualities are heightened. This is about finding those flaws and focusing on those flaws.
Morgan: And having it be humorous because it's a little bit of a joke. It's kind of...
Brad: Yeah, it's kind of the jokes on them in a sense, but it's not meant to develop a sense of pity for them because then this isn't working. This is taking them from being on a pedestal, focusing on their flaws and using this with some perseverance. Eventually, they're going to become associated with the absurd or exaggerated image. And here's a couple of examples, you can develop your own, but these are just a few examples. I think of them being on American Idol, being this god-awful singer and they are just singing and they are horrible.
Morgan: Yeah and they have pieces of broccoli stuck in their teeth.
Brad: Broccoli in their teeth or they are a horrible singer and they think they are fantastic. They've got these ideas of delusion and they're sitting there arguing with the judges – what, you don't think I'm fantastic? I don't deserve to go to Hollywood? Something like that, picturing them that way. If they are a guy and they have a lot of hair, just thinking about gosh, they have big bushy eyebrows.
They have hair coming out of their ears and nose – choosing to focus on things like that. If they have an angry temper, choosing to think about their temper, them getting upset at a restaurant and just becoming just incensed*because they are having to wait a little longer on their food to come to them – like getting angry like that. And I think things – just making a characteristic that they have that isn't positive and just heightening that and making it more exaggerated and that can be anything.
Morgan: Yeah and you are replacing the positive thoughts with those kind of less positive...
Brad: And I want to emphasize why this is so important. Again, thoughts determine how we feel, thoughts determine feelings and if we can change these thoughts before they take root in our minds, they will help us fall out of love with the person. And we're not letting love sickness, infatuation, the romantic love become an obsession, we are stopping that in its tracks and we're noticing these negative qualities that they have.
Morgan: Yeah, so if any positive – anything positive about that person pops up into your head, immediately change it to no, his anger is horrible and then go right onto the positive, I refuse to stay here, I refuse to let this get between me and my family. My family is more important to me.
Brad: Go back to your list.
Morgan: Right, go back to your list.
Brad: We talked about in thought replacement.
Morgan: The next one is covert sensitization. That's a big word, sensitization. It's also called repulsion. It is a more extreme technique. It's more extreme in that it is useful if thought replacement and silent contempt aren't working as well. It's also effective in at taming physical attraction toward the affair partner.
Brad: And that's important for people because many times, the one who has been betrayed is thinking gosh they think that person is more beautiful than I am or more handsome than I am. And this is a way for, if the betrayer does find them physically attractive, a way to lose that physical attraction for them. It's a little bit different.
And again, this isn't meant to create hatred towards anybody, it's meant to lose feelings for a person. And it's interrupting those thoughts that create more limerence. If we can interrupt those thoughts, we're going to interrupt that emotional connection there and that's what we're talking about Morgan.
Morgan: Yeah and it's the way for your mind to run away. If you physically can't run away, your mind is able to run away from those thoughts. And the process involves creating a list of vivid images that overwhelm the senses with their extreme repulsive associations.
So then the involved spouse attaches one of those images with physical contact with the affair partner, so that the contact becomes associated with a repulsive site, a repulsive sound or a repulsive smell. The final part of this process involves envisioning turning away from the affair partner, helping the involved spouse unlearn the physical attraction he or she has previously felt. So some examples we had Brad, you have those.
Brad: Yeah, I think picturing this person, the affair partner with sewage on them, just imagining the smell, the odor of that...
Morgan: Bad breath. Brad: Bad breath, horrible body odor. Maybe their hygiene is awful, they haven't shaved...
Morgan: Or they wear this perfume that maybe you once enjoyed but if you imagine it not smelling good or just being…
Brad: Or they smell like a wet dog or just imagining them in these situations where they just have repulsive sights, sounds, smells. When they talk, they have this horrible highpitched screechy voice. They just wear – their fashion is ridiculous, they wear stuff from horrible 80s clothing. Just picturing them in these negative lights like this, it will help you fall out of love, lose romantic feelings for them. And again, that's not so much to hate them...
Morgan: Right, it's not about hatred.
Brad: Just to interrupt the thoughts because when people are stuck in limerence, they are not thinking about the positive qualities – excuse me, they're thinking only of the positive, they don't see any negative. And this is a way to introduce negative thoughts and qualities about them that are there, that you're just blind to if you are experiencing limerence.
Morgan: And so kind of to recap,
If a positive thought comes in your head you say stop and you go to say no, they have horrible anger or no they smell like sewage and then you go right to the things that you want. You go right on to I love my family and I want to be with my spouse and you dwell on that more. But this is kind of how it works, it kind of happens in an instant.
So you don't want to spend forever on these negative things, you want to kind of stop the positive thought and replace it with something negative on that person and go right into you want. Go right into what you want.
