Transcript:
A person gets caught in an affair. They see the devastation it wreaks on their spouse—the betrayed partner—and, wracked with guilt, they make a solemn vow. They promise themselves, often in a moment of raw honesty, “Never again.” It feels earnest, weighty, even unbreakable. But is a vow enough to prevent them from straying again?
It’s not. It never is.
In every case I’ve encountered of someone repeating the offense, there’s a single thread tying them together. It’s not a lack of love or even self-control. It’s this: they weren’t honest about the first affair—or the ones that followed.
And here’s the rub: the dishonesty didn’t just shortchange their spouse; it shortchanged themselves.
We often talk about honesty as a gift to the betrayed spouse. It’s the thing that helps them make sense of what happened, to wrestle with the chaos and find some order in the narrative. But the truth is, honesty isn’t just for the betrayed—it’s equally for the unfaithful.
Here’s why: light is a disinfectant.
Affairs are born of lies, not just to others but to oneself. The narrative goes something like this:
No one will get hurt.
No one will find out.
I’m in control. I can stop whenever I want.
It’s a house of cards, constructed in denial. And when the affair is exposed, the lie evolves:
If I tell the whole truth, they’ll leave me.
If I tell the whole truth, I’ll hurt them more.
Maybe they will be hurt—initially. But here’s what decades of experience tell me: if someone already knows about the affair and chooses to stay, they can handle the gory details. What they can’t handle is more lies.
Honesty isn’t just a concession to the injured party—it’s a form of liberation for the offender. If you’ve cheated and want to rebuild, understand this: honesty is the first step toward self-mastery. It’s a reckoning with the truth, a way to shatter the myth of control and take real responsibility for your actions.
When you bring your behavior into the light, you take back power over it. You disrupt the denial that allowed it to flourish. And if your spouse is hurt by what you reveal—because they will be—there’s help for that. Trauma therapy can clean up the mess. But honesty is the disinfectant that starts the process.
If you’re the one who’s been betrayed, your role is no less crucial. To foster honesty, you must create an environment where it can thrive. This doesn’t mean suppressing your anger or your pain. It means channeling it constructively.
Don’t punish honesty with retaliation.
Don’t lash out.
Don’t see their truth-telling as another wound but as an attempt to heal.
Yes, learning that there’s been “more” will hurt. But try to view their honesty as a step toward rebuilding, not as another betrayal. And don’t neglect your own healing because its a critical piece of the puzzle for you, too.
If you’ve been unfaithful, honesty isn’t just a gift to your spouse; it’s a gift to yourself. You’re a good person who made bad choices. If you don’t want to repeat those choices, start by dragging them into the light. If you’re the betrayed, foster that honesty by responding with restraint and seeking your own path to healing.
Honesty won’t erase the damage, but it’s the foundation for something new. Something better, because this is because honesty allows for open communication, it allows us to addresses underlying issues, and enables the individual to work on personal growth to avoid repeating the behavior.
Take the Next Step Toward Healing
Wherever you are in your healing journey, we have a program designed to support you:
For Betrayed Spouses: Are you overwhelmed by trauma symptoms—like intrusive thoughts, anxiety, or pestering sadness? This program helps you regain your sense of peace and reclaim your identity.
For Unfaithful Spouses: Struggling to be the partner your spouse needs after the affair? This course equips you to navigate their pain while addressing your own personal growth and accountability.
For Couples Ready to Rebuild: Our Couples Workshop provides a safe, guided space to restore trust, rebuild emotional safety, and create a stronger, more connected future together.
Each of these programs is research-based and proven to deliver results. You’ll gain the tools to move forward confidently—whether you’re healing alone or as a couple.
Healing is possible. Let’s make it happen—together.
