Podcast Transcript:
Morgan Robinson (00:03):
Welcome to the Healing Broken Trust podcast. I'm Morgan Robinson.
Brad Robinson (00:06):
And I'm Brad Robinson.
Morgan Robinson (00:07):
And we're excited to bring to you this episode. It's called Fantasy Love Affair versus Real Love in 20 Differences. And we apologize in advance. We're here in Oklahoma and it is allergy season, so if we sound different than normal, we're sorry, but we're going to do our very best to sound as normal as possible. Alright, so let's jump in. Brad, what do you think,
Brad Robinson (00:30):
One of the most heartbreaking things that I'll hear from people who've been betrayed is he'll frequently make a comment like this, my spouse told me that they love me, but they're not in love with me
Morgan Robinson (00:41):
Anymore. Yeah, that's right.
Brad Robinson (00:42):
And that they've never felt this way about another person. They will say that my spouse is a good person, but I think they've lost their marbles because they're saying they believe this is a fair partner of theirs, is their soulmate.
(00:57):
And then the final statement they'll make is, how do I even compete with that? We've had what I felt like has been a stable relationship, a stable marriage, and then they meet somebody, or it's a coworker or somebody they've known for a while, and then they feel like they've been struck by lightning and have this intense, infatuation, intense romantic love with somebody. How do I even compete with that? And it is devastating to witness that it's devastating to live it. It's devastating to see people go through that. Unfortunately, it's not that uncommon. Many affairs, especially emotionally charged ones, are driven by a powerful experience called ence. It's a form of obsessive dic love that creates a kind of emotional high that some people call love sickness. And for many unfaithful spouses, the affair begins as a connection or as a friendship, but then quickly transforms into an intense, all consuming attachment that feels impossible to walk away from. People will say, logically, I know this isn't what I want, but I feel pulled in this direction with my heart. I know it doesn't make sense on paper. I'm much older than this person. This person has a lot of history, a lot of baggage. We're not really good for each other, but I feel this intense pull towards this person. And it's hard for people to walk away from it even when their head says, this is not right for you.
Morgan Robinson (02:23):
Yeah, right, right. Logic is defied.
Brad Robinson (02:26):
Yeah. Now, often that intensity that we just described is compared to the quieter, but steadier love they feel toward their spouse, what researchers call companionship love. And because RINs feels more alive, more urgent, they mistake it for true love.
Morgan Robinson (02:46):
Yeah. For the real thing.
Brad Robinson (02:48):
But here's the truth, Rin is not real love and companionship love the less flashy, it's more stable, it's more meaningful, and it's capable of lasting a lifetime. So we're going to break down both of those, what RIN is and what companionship love what they are in the following sections ahead.
Morgan Robinson (03:10):
That's right. So in season one, episode two, we really break down and tell you about what it is. But I think it's important briefly to just talk about Limerence for just a moment. So it's more than just attraction, right, Brad?
Brad Robinson (03:28):
Yeah. Yeah. Limerence is more than just attraction. It's a state of emotional obsession and dependency that can feel euphoric, one moment and devastating the next. It has certain characteristics that it goes by intrusive, obsessive thoughts about the affair partner. And part of this Morgan is, and this is really important, that's one of the defining characteristics of nce beyond infatuation, beyond just having a crush on somebody is you have intrusive, obsessive thoughts. Researchers have said that lence, it's not OCD, but it can operate like OCD. It's not technically an addiction, but it can operate like an addiction because addictions and OCD have intrusive, obsessive thoughts. Well, I don't want to think about this person. I want to move away from this person. I want to maybe move jobs. Maybe I've already tried ending the affair, but I just feel like I can't stop thinking about this person. It's like an obsession, but it's unwanted oftentimes, and it can confuse people because if I have these feelings and emotions, then it must mean something. As humans, we're all about trying to figure out why things occur,
Morgan Robinson (04:44):
Trying
Brad Robinson (04:44):
To make meaning out of it. And if we start to have these intrusive thoughts, feelings about another person, we think there must be something significant about it.
Morgan Robinson (04:53):
It might be trying to tell us something about our deeper thoughts.
Brad Robinson (04:57):
Is the universe telling me this is my soulmate? Is what people will conclude. So they'll have intrusive, obsessive thoughts about the affair partner. That's one of the characteristics of lence. Another is mood swings based on how they feel like the affair partner responds to them. So if they are reciprocating, if they're giving me attention, if they're there, I feel high, I feel euphoric, I feel great. But if I feel like they're not there, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I get down. And a lot of those mood swings, that back and forth is what drives limerence. What drives limerence is adversity. It's challenges. It's those adversities and challenges. Uncertainty. That's what drives. Drives companionship. Love is steadiness. It's security. There's no fear. I know you're with me and I know you love me. And what drives lence is those mood swings. Do they love me? Do they not me?
Morgan Robinson (05:57):
Yeah. It really puts that person into an object. It makes them kind of an object that your world centers around which can't be sustainable. It is just not a sustainable way to live.
Brad Robinson (06:09):
And actually that's a good way to describe how the original researchers of Limerence described. The person that they were in love with was as an object. Like you were in love with an object, not really a person,
Morgan Robinson (06:21):
Right? Yeah.
Brad Robinson (06:21):
You were chasing the feelings that gave you not the person
Morgan Robinson (06:25):
An idea of them. It's an idealized version of that person, but not really the human that is there.
Brad Robinson (06:32):
And so Morgan, that ties into the next thing that limerence is it's idealization, but of their positive qualities while ignoring red flags. So that's another defining characteristic of limerence is I see the good things about this person, and that's pretty much all I think about. They could have been married five times, they could have a train wreck of a life. But what I see is those good qualities in them.
Morgan Robinson (06:57):
And
Brad Robinson (06:57):
I overlook like, yeah, there's some warning signs here. There's some red flags. There's those emotional highs that they get from looking at this person from idealizing them, and they get those same emotional highs. When they believe that they're loved back, they're interested in me. This must mean something.
Morgan Robinson (07:14):
Oh yeah, yeah. They're placing meaning in things that are often not meaningful at all. They're just coincidence or something else.
Brad Robinson (07:22):
Yeah. So there's emotional highs that's part of that mood swings we talked about earlier. But then there's despair when that attraction and affection from them feels uncertain. Maybe they don't really like me, maybe we're not going to make it work. I've met many people who've ended an affair that was lime who were grieving sometimes for weeks after the fact, really genuinely sad, crying after it was over because it was really over and they felt like they lost a part of themselves. There's also a preoccupation that overrides concern for family, their marriage, or even basic self-care for themselves. So this is important. They'll have a preoccupation that overrides concern for their own family. I've met people who've had lime and affairs. Well, they're in the middle of limerence, they're feeling this high, they're feeling this fantasy love, and they had this feeling like everything's going to be okay.
(08:15):
Their children were old enough to know dad is cheating, or mom or mom's having an affair. And the parent says, you know what? Yeah, I know my kids are hurting. I know they're sad, but I'm going to choose this anyway. And the kids are like, end up hating dad. End up hating mom. Never accept the affair partner as their new parent even years later because it's this person who destroyed my family. You think I'm going to accept them as my mom or my stepdad? You got to be kidding me. So I'm getting married. You're welcome to come dad, but you're not bringing your new wife now. We've had a child. You're not bringing her over. It fractures the family forever. But when people are in Limerence, they think, yeah, they're going to be upset with me, and I know they don't want me to do this, but everybody will be happy in a year.
(09:01):
This will blow over and they'll move on with their lives. They don't look at the full tolls of all of this. The full consequences of this. Part of what happens with Limerence is that the person becomes emotionally hooked on the hope that their feelings are overturned. There's a perceived reciprocity, whether it's real or imagined, that keeps the obsession going. This person wants me. They like me. If I'm a desirable, I find them attractive maybe. And it's that push and pull dynamic of limerence, the challenges, the adversity, the impossible situation that I found myself in with them that creates this situation that allows RINs to thrive versus companionship love. We're going to talk about that is in a minute. And in 20 differences between fantasy, love of and affair and companionship love, but companionship love. There's usually not that kind of adversity there. There's a lot of stability in affairs.
(09:57):
Limerence can develop rapidly. Dorothy 10 of the psychologist who coined the term limerence found. It can begin from a single meaningful glance, maybe a compliment or the impression that somebody finds you attractive. And from there it can snowball. Sometimes it's from a coworker, an existing friendship that you've had, but it grows quickly. And then people feel like, I found my soulmate. This is what all the love songs, all the movies are about. So if you're kind of listening to me talk about this and you're wondering what is limerence? If you want a good movie reference to what Limerence is as a family, we're preparing to watch the new Mission Impossible movie. We have four kids now. Our 4-year-old boy loves Tom Cruise, loves the Mission Impossible movies. So the new one's coming out soon. And we have been preparing to watch those. And so we watched the Mission Impossible too, which has really got some great stunts in it. But that whole movie, the romantic storyline of that is like the Limerence. He meets a woman and the first time he meets her, there's slow dancing,
Morgan Robinson (11:08):
Slow motion,
Brad Robinson (11:09):
Slow motion dancing, the music, flamenco
Morgan Robinson (11:12):
Quieter,
Brad Robinson (11:13):
Everything stops staying still. But it's only them two seeing each other as everybody else slows down in slow motion. And then there's a scene where he, he's talking to her and it's really windy outside and her scarf blows off her neck and he grabs it and he pulls it back and puts it on her. And it's like slow motion. But people, we see that in the movie and you're thinking, okay, that's kind of neat. Or maybe you don't even really notice it. But in real life, that's what people in NCE are often feeling is that time slows down. There's this real infatuation that somebody has. And relationships often do start with an infatuation like this, but they go on to develop more of a companionship love. So Morgan, what does companionship love look like? What does real love look like?
Morgan Robinson (12:00):
So companionship love is often misunderstood, especially when it's being compared to the intense emotional high of limerence. At first glance, it may seem less exciting or passionate, but in reality, companionship love is actually stronger. It's safer and far more sustainable. This kind of love is built on a shared life, emotional trust and deep connection. It doesn't depend on uncertainty or idealization. It thrives on knowing each other fully and choosing each other daily, even when it's hard. So it's a different kind of adversity. It's real life adversity. It's having a child together. It's choosing each other when things are difficult, unlike lence, which is reactive and emotionally volatile. Companionship love is grounded. It has roots. So here's what companionship love tends to look like in real life. So it's predictable. There's predictable emotional closeness. You feel calm and at peace around each other. Even if life is hectic, there's a deep friendship there.
(13:11):
You genuinely enjoy each other's company. You laugh at inside jokes and talk about everyday things. So you're sharing everyday life with each other. You really get to know that person, the warts, all the things. There's a mutual respect. You admire one another, not just for your good traits, but for how you handle life together. All of the developing of a person's character, their personality. You've seen it when they were young and now you've seen it when you're older. And just all of the things that have come over time, you admire that growth that they've had over time. There's history, you've been through things, job changes, parenting challenges, health scares, and you've come out stronger.
Brad Robinson (13:57):
So I think Morgan, that's an important statement. You made companionship love as history. You've seen each other, each other. Lence doesn't have history, right? Lence is something that usually is experienced at the beginning of a relationship. There isn't history there. And honestly, if you have enough history with somebody, you begin to not idealize them enough or idealize them at all because you see who they really are. And that's where companionship love says, I still choose you. I still would pick you again because I know who you are. I've seen all of you and I still have this deep respect for you.
Morgan Robinson (14:36):
So the next one is there's going to be commitment through the mundane. You show up, whether it's helping with the dishes, staying up with a sick child or navigating the in-laws. You do life together. All of the ins and the outs, the goods and the bads, the ups and the downs are all done together. Those mundane, everyday things. And then there's that safe emotional space. You can talk about fears and dreams and insecurities without fear of being judged or abandoned. We have more than just, oh, you're pretty or you're whatever. You've got a nice car or whatever it is. It's deeper than that. I know you're with me. I am connected to you beyond what you have or what you look like. And so this is the kind of love many couples share before an affair happens. But over time, it may be buried under exhaustion or unspoken resentment or emotional distance.
(15:37):
And that doesn't mean it's gone. It means it needs attention and it needs care. The beautiful thing is companionship love. It can be reignited. And when couples heal after betrayal, they often find that their post affair relationship feels more emotionally honest, more connected, more resilient than it ever was, which is the beauty of going through adversity together. Obviously, we don't have to go through this adversity really, ideally of infidelity, but you can come out the other end stronger and better because of it. Not that we're happy that it happened, but it can be. You can have a better marriage even after. So the question next, it becomes why companionship? Why companionship. Love is underrated and undeniably better. Why is it better?
Brad Robinson (16:29):
So Morgan, in the early stages of a relationship, leer often steals the spotlight. It's flash, it's emotional, it feels urgent. It's the bells and whistles. It's the things that you see in romantic comedies and love songs. It's the falling in love stage. Companionship love by comparison, seems calm, even ordinary, but that's its strength. Companionship, love doesn't need chaos to stay alive. Unlike limerence. Limerence needs adversity needs challenges where limerence feeds on tension, fantasy and emotional unavailability, companionship, love thrives on emotional safety and presence. It doesn't burn out in two years. It acts like Limerence does. It matures over decades. Companionship, love is underrated because in our culture, love is often portrayed as something that happens to us, not something that we grow. And people think, oh, we fell out of love. It's something that we have to nurture. Movies and music, celebrate the sparks of passion, but rarely show the kind of love that gets up at 2:00 AM to clean up after a sick child or stays during a hard season because you made a ow. But the truth is that kind of love is the one that lasts. It's the kind that shows up. It's the kind that can weather, betrayal, grief, financial stress for aging. And in the long run, it's the kind of love that brings peace, not just passion.
(17:53):
So people will start with passion, but we're meant to mature to companionship. Why is companionship love worth fighting for? When someone caught in lime and says, I've never felt this way before, what we're often describing as intensity, not
Morgan Robinson (18:08):
Intimacy. Intimacy, yeah.
Brad Robinson (18:10):
So they're describing intensity. That's intense, not true intimacy. They don't really know each other because when you start to know a person, that's when you move out of passion stage, so to speak. You're seeing the more authentic them and you're choosing to respond. This is what I'm about to say is kind of a weird way of putting it, but the most adversity or conflict there is in a relationship is more in the dating period, because that's when rejection is the highest. You're going to reject me. I got to groom myself. Well have to take you to nice places. I have to impress you because I
Morgan Robinson (18:44):
Think we should still do that when we're married. But yes,
Brad Robinson (18:46):
We should. But there's inherent conflict there.
(18:50):
This could be the end. This could be our last conversation. This could be the last meeting. We have not a fight conflict. There's conflict there that creates more intensity where there's more maybe passion for a person or driver of limerence. But when you have more of a history with somebody, you develop true intimacy because you start to see the four seasons of that person. You go with them through their parents' death. You go with them through job losses. You go with them through all the global events. We've all lived through covid and recessions and stuff like that. You go through that with them through the highs and the lows. And limerence isn't really about that. It's about what we feel from that person. Companionship is about what we build together. That's what companionship love is. It's a difference. It's a choice.
Morgan Robinson (19:41):
I think of Limerence as that outer form. We're seeing the shell of the person. And you've got to go deeper than that outer form.
Brad Robinson (19:47):
Yeah, exactly. To
Morgan Robinson (19:48):
The inner substance.
Brad Robinson (19:49):
Yeah. Limerence is easy because it's something that almost happens to us. I get struck by lightning, and I have this response like, oh my gosh, you're incredible companionship. Love is, I'm choosing you. I'm still wanting you.
Morgan Robinson (20:02):
Yeah, yeah. Even when it's hard,
Brad Robinson (20:04):
Morgan, something I'll see in our work is when a spouse is ready to leave everything for their affair partner, they're often comparing the emotional high that they get from Lence or that fantasy love with the lived reality of their history with their spouse. And it's not a fair comparison because over here you have this fantasy. Anybody can be happy on a vacation, go on a cruise. You go to an amazing place, a new destination. You're meant to be happy. Vacations
Morgan Robinson (20:35):
Are it's manufactured happiness.
Brad Robinson (20:37):
It's manufactured happiness, but real life. It's the ups and downs, and it's not a true fair comparison. And this is what I've seen over and over again. There's spouses who felt out of love, who rediscovered deep connection through intentional healing. So I've seen that where people fell out of love and they rediscovered deep connection through intentional healing. And I've seen where couples who felt disconnected were able to rebuild trust and passion. And I've seen marriages that were nearly destroyed by betrayal become the strongest relationships imaginable. Companionship love is not second best. It's the real prize. And when it's nurtured, it doesn't just survive the storm of limerence, it can come back stronger than ever.
Morgan Robinson (21:21):
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It's a deeper friendship, the person, because I think as a human, everything we want to be known and to know, to love and be lovable, to know that we are that. And the person that you're with is reflecting that to you, confirming the fact that you are lovable and that you are loving. And in limerence, you don't get
Brad Robinson (21:47):
That.
Morgan Robinson (21:48):
This next part is why does Lence feel more powerful when it really isn't? Feels like falling in love for the first time. We've kind already alluded to the brain floods with dopamine and adrenaline and making the affair partner seem perfect, right? Irresistible and even magical and add a little adversity like having to hide the relationship and the intensity can skyrocket. In fact, adversity feeds limerence. When there's distance or uncertainty, the longing grows stronger. And this is why a spouse stuck in Lence often can't stop thinking about the affair partner, even when they know they're risking everything like you've mentioned, their family, their home, their integrity. But here's the key lence, it doesn't last. And it's been shown to fade within 12 to 36 months, especially once real life stress replaces fantasy. And when it fades, it leaves people disillusioned. Many who leave their spouse for the FR partner find that they've traded stability for chaos, and they deeply regret it.
Brad Robinson (22:57):
Morgan, let me talk about that for a second. I've had people who felt this fantasy love of lence, and they leave their spouse who they had real good companionship love with, and 12 months pass, 36 months pass, Lence fades. And they will frequently say, and I've heard this from several folks, the relationship we have now is no better than the relationship I left. We put our children through hell, we put our families through hell, we put our exes through hell, and the relationship we have is no better than the relationship we left. And they're wracked with guilt because now they have all these fractured relationships for something that they thought was passionate. That was amazing. That was way better. Yeah, that was way better. And it was amazing sex and amazing whatever. And it's like now we're left with something
Morgan Robinson (23:46):
That's not even any better. No.
Brad Robinson (23:49):
Well, it's actually worse because I don't trust you. So now they're left with something that's even worse where they don't trust each other, their children don't like them. Their children definitely don't like the new parent or mom's boyfriend or dad's girlfriend, even if they're not married. So Morgan companionship, love on the other hand, often doesn't get a chance to shine until Rin burns out. That's because the steady presence of a loyal spouse doesn't produce the emotional spikes that Limerence does. But it's exactly that steadiness that makes it the kind of love you can build a life on.
Morgan Robinson (24:21):
There's a danger of comparing a fantasy to real life, right, Brad?
Brad Robinson (24:24):
Yeah.
Morgan Robinson (24:24):
So when an unfaithful spouse is in Limerence, they often compare their spouse who may be tired, hurt, or dealing with real life stressors to the affair partners. They're comparing the spouse to the affair partner who represents escape excitement and affirmation. So it's not a fair comparison. You're comparing someone who knows your flaws to someone who sees your highlight reel, someone who loves you through the hard stuff, to someone who only knows the polished version of you, someone who's been building a life with you to someone who's been avoiding reality altogether. So that's very important. That's the danger, definitely
Brad Robinson (25:05):
Renowned relationship expert. Dr. John Gottman has spent decades studying what makes relationships succeed or fail. His research confirms what many betrayed spouses need to hear real love. The kindness that sustains of marriage is not built on limerence. It's built on companionship. According to Gottman, many people who stay happily married for decades don't start out madly in love and the way Limerence makes people feel. Instead, they describe their partner as their best friend. Their connection is rooted in trust, emotional safety, shared values, and a deep understanding of each other, not in romantic obsession or emotional highs. This kind of companionship love is far more stable and reliable than limerence. While RINs thrives on unpredictability and fantasy, adversities, chaos, companionship love thrives on emotional availability, mutual respect, and consistent care. Gottman found that couples who build a relationship on friendship rather than passion alone are significantly more likely to go the distance. Gottman's research also shows that Le affairs rarely translate into lasting fulfilling marriages. So this is important. In fact, couples who leave their spouse to be with an affair partner, especially those that started in the heat of limerence, are among the most difficult to help in therapy. Once the emotional high fades, they're often left with unresolved personal baggage. Trust issues are no real foundation to build on. Gottman's work reinforces what so many discover after the devastation of infidelity. Companionship love isn't just more dependable. It's what real love grows into.
Morgan Robinson (26:45):
Yeah, and it's hard to trust yourself too. If you've always just been governed by your emotion,
Brad Robinson (26:50):
Your marriage began with friendship, steady affection and shared dreams. Don't throw that away for the emotional flash of limerence, because when the dust settles, it's companionship love, not the hive of infatuation that truly stands the test of time. And so what Morgan and I are going to do is to help you better understand why companionship love is worth protecting and nurturing. We want to give you a comparison between true love and limerence,
Morgan Robinson (27:15):
Right? And there's about 20 of these. So the first is there's the foundation. So true love is built on mutual commitment, trust, and shared values. Whereas Limerence is driven by intense attraction and fantasy. So true love is built on mutual commitment, trust, and shared values. Limerence is driven by intense attraction and fantasy.
Brad Robinson (27:36):
The second difference between fantasy, love and affair and true love is the duration. True love grows and endures over time, whereas Lence is temporary, typically fading within months, even a few years. So the duration is different. True love grows and endures over time, whereas Lence is temporary fading within a few months or a few years.
Morgan Robinson (28:00):
Very good. Yeah. And then you have focus. So true love prioritizes the partner's wellbeing, limerence, fixates on personal emotional highs and validation. The focus is different. True love prioritizes the partner's wellbeing. So it's others focused nce, fixates on the personal emotional highs and validation. How I feel around you, how I feel around you. Okay. Yeah.
Brad Robinson (28:26):
One is true. Love is focused on service and the good of the other, the wellbeing of the other nce is focused on me chasing the feeling that you give me,
Morgan Robinson (28:36):
That you give me. Yeah.
Brad Robinson (28:37):
Number four, the fourth difference between true love and the fantasy. Love of an affairs is stability. True love fosters emotional stability, whereas Rin creates emotional volatility with extreme highs and lows.
Morgan Robinson (28:52):
There's not a balance there.
Brad Robinson (28:53):
No. So stability, true love fosters emotional stability. Lence creates emotional volatility with extreme highs and lows.
Morgan Robinson (29:02):
Yes. And then five, we have reciprocity. True love involves mutual effort and care, whereas Lence can be one-sided thriving on idealized perceptions. So there's that reciprocity, the give and take. True love involves mutual effort and care, whereas Limerence can be one-sided, thriving on idealized perceptions.
Brad Robinson (29:24):
Yeah. Number six is fantasy versus reality. True love accepts a partner's flaws. Lence, idealizes the other ignoring imperfections. It's true love. I see you accept you for who you are. I take you as you are, Lence overlooks those flaws and faults, and it idealizes that person ignoring imperfections. This is why everybody around somebody who's having a li and affair is like you have an affair with them.
Morgan Robinson (29:52):
That
Brad Robinson (29:52):
Person
Morgan Robinson (29:52):
That doesn't make sense,
Brad Robinson (29:53):
Doesn't make sense. You cheated down. Why them?
Morgan Robinson (29:57):
Yes. And then we have selflessness. So true love involves sacrifice for the partner's happiness, whereas Limerence is self-focused seeking personal fulfillment. So again, it's selflessness. True love involves a sacrifice for your partner's happiness. Whereas Limerence is self-focused seeking personal fulfillment.
Brad Robinson (30:18):
Yeah. The eighth difference between true love and the fantasy love of an affair is the depth of the love that's there. True love encompasses emotional, intellectual, and physical connection. Limerence is primarily emotional and obsessive. That's a key difference. True love encompasses emotional, intellectual, and physical connection. Larin is primarily emotional and obsessive.
Morgan Robinson (30:47):
So the whole person is addressed in true love.
Brad Robinson (30:49):
Yeah.
Morgan Robinson (30:50):
Whereas the other is just parts of a person. And then the night is security. True love builds trust and security, whereas breeds insecurity and fear of rejection. So security, true love builds. True love builds trust and security, whereas Limerence breeds insecurity and fear of rejection.
Brad Robinson (31:12):
Yeah. 10th difference between true love and the fantasy. Love of an affair is about control. True love respects boundaries in somebody's autonomy. Rin feels uncontrollable like an addiction. So you feel like you're out of control. I can't stop this. I feel addicted to this person. But when there's true love, we can respect that person's boundaries. Give them autonomy or
Morgan Robinson (31:37):
Self-control there. Yeah. 11, growth, true love encourages personal and mutual growth. Limerence, stagnates consumed by fixation. So it's growth. True love encourages personal and mutual growth. We're growing, we're growing together, we're developing as people. Whereas Limerence stagnates and is consumed by fixation. We're fixed on the idea of this person right now. And not even really thinking about the future or the past, probably even.
Brad Robinson (32:09):
Yeah. So number 12 is about clarity. True love allows rational decision making. Rin clouds judgment with obsessive thoughts. So when you're in true love, you're rational. You make conscious choices because of the way Rin works, it clouds a person's judgment with obsessive thoughts.
Morgan Robinson (32:27):
Yeah. Then we have 13, which is consistency. True love is steady through challenges. Limerence fluctuates based on the other's. Attention. Again, consistency. True love is steady through challenges. Limerence fluctuates based on the other's attention.
Brad Robinson (32:44):
Number 14, intimacy. True love deepens through shared experiences. Limerence thrives on longing and distance, again, thrives on longing. Distance adversity, challenges, chaos,
Morgan Robinson (32:59):
Idealized versions of things.
Brad Robinson (33:01):
But true love is steady through those challenges.
Morgan Robinson (33:05):
Yeah. So that intimacy deepens
Brad Robinson (33:08):
True love deepens through shared experiences.
Morgan Robinson (33:10):
Yeah. That's interesting. Then we have 15 where there's respect. True love honors the partner as an equal, whereas Lence places the other on a pedestal. So there's respect where true love honors the partner as an equal, and then Lence places the other on a pedestal.
Brad Robinson (33:29):
Number 16 is conflict resolution. True love works through conflicts constructively. Lence avoids conflict to preserve the fantasy. I can't upset you. I can't really talk about true issues because it'll push you away. True love.
Morgan Robinson (33:44):
It'll shake up this idealized idea.
Brad Robinson (33:46):
Yeah.
Morgan Robinson (33:46):
Or idealized relationship.
Brad Robinson (33:48):
Yeah, true love works through conflicts constructively.
Morgan Robinson (33:52):
Yeah. Very good. And then there's independence. True love supports individual identities, whereas Limerence seeks to merge or lose oneself in the other. So there's independence. True love supports individual identities, whereas Limerence seeks to merge or lose oneself in the other.
Brad Robinson (34:10):
And Morgan, that's a theme of Limerence.
(34:12):
A stage of limerence is actually the extinguishing of the self is a stage of limerence where you literally lose yourself and the other person. And it's not so much about how wonderful that person is, it's more about the unresolved issues that the Limerent experience has. That's why they lose themselves as another person. And it's also what makes coming out of Rin difficult, because I've in a sense, kind of lost myself into that experience. And now that it's over, I don't really trust myself because I've seen what I've done. I've heard other people, and I did something that went against my values.
Morgan Robinson (34:51):
Yeah. You've sort of set aside your wants and desires and real thoughts and real opinions about things for that other person's or that other idealized version of that person instead of, and yeah. And so when that person's gone, now you've got to redefine who you are to figure out, oh my gosh, who am I now? I don't even trust that person anymore.
Brad Robinson (35:13):
Yeah. So 18 is motivation. True love is motivated by care and commitment. Lence is driven by need for validation or escape. So true love is motivated by care, commitment, working towards the good of our spouse. But Rin is driven by, I need validation, I need an escape. One is the other is focused, the other is self-focused.
Morgan Robinson (35:38):
Yeah. Yeah. We're building something together in true love. Number 19, there's long-term vision. And so in true love, true love plans, a shared future, we're building something together towards something. Whereas Limerence focuses on the present emotional rush. So long-term vision, true love plans, a shared future, whereas Limerence focuses on the present emotional rush.
Brad Robinson (36:04):
And then number 20, outcome. True love often leads to lasting partnership. Limerence fades, leaving regret or disillusionment if somebody acts on it. The key theme is that true love is focused on working towards the good of our spouse or the good of the other person. Lence is focused on what I get out of this, what pleases me, what enjoyment I get out of this? What thrills me?
Morgan Robinson (36:31):
How can I use this? What can it do for me?
Brad Robinson (36:34):
And it goes back to what you said, and the original researcher said, it's treating the other person as if they're an object. And companionship, love and true love is treating the other person as somebody's good that we work towards
Morgan Robinson (36:48):
As a valuable and lovable caring partner.
Brad Robinson (36:54):
Yeah. These differences aren't just theoretical between fantasy, love of an affair and companionship love. They show up in real relationships, especially during infidelity, and they explain why many people feel confused, torn, or devastated when they may stake ence for love.
Morgan Robinson (37:13):
All of these are really good. So that's 20 differences really in how love, true love and how fantasy limerence really operate kind of in tandem or side by side. So thanks guys for walking through this with us. It's like I said, allergy season here in Oklahoma, and so we're coughing up a storm and we're going to have to cut those out because we've coughed all through this program.
Brad Robinson (37:39):
Thank you for listening to us today. I do have a quick question for you. If you're ready to rebuild, I want you to keep listening because at some point after the confessions and confrontations, after the affair partner fades into a myth or even a memory, couples are left with a quiet aftermath of everything that's happened, and that's when the real questions start. Can we come back from this? Is it even worth trying? The truth is most couples don't have a map for navigating betrayal. They have pain, confusion, and maybe a half-hearted internet search, but that's why we created the Healing Broken Trust Workshop, not as another lecture on communication skills, but as a lifeline for you. It's where couples learn to put the pieces back together without pretending they weren't shattered first. This isn't group therapy and folding chairs or a seminar of vague feel good platitudes. It's a strategic research-based experience designed specifically for you so that you can heal from infidelity, you'll get clarity on what really happened. Tools to rebuild trust and expert guidance that makes the impossible feel possible. Again, if you're tired or guessing what to do next or watching your marriage bleed out slowly, you can get help that actually works. Good. Healing broken trust.com to find out more. I look forward to meeting you there in person.
Morgan Robinson (38:59):
Bye guys.
Brad Robinson (39:00):
Thank you guys.
