What is more difficult than deciding whether you should spend the rest of your life with someone or not?
So I had to make a difficult decision. What do I want? What do I want in life?
We are all faced with difficult decisions at certain points. Maybe it’s the decision to get married. Or maybe for you it’s that you have to make a decision to stay or go.
Maybe your decision is whether you want to try counseling. Whatever it is you have a decision to make just like I did.
Do I want to make this work? Am I making the right decision? That often mocked existential question of “Who am I?” But we all need to know the answer, right?
But I had to decide what to do. I had broken up with Brad because of fear and shame and a myriad of emotions. But now I had to decide what I wanted in life.
So I decided…
….To go to Spain.
That’s right. I decided to not stay together. I decided my goal was to go to Spain and the merciful thing would be to let him go since he was four years my senior, clearly he wanted to be married soon, and I needed a goal and…it was to go to Spain for a few years.
“You did what?”
I remember clearly telling my dad, who never really gets worked up over anything, that I broke up with Brad.
My quiet, demure father couldn’t contain himself. He said, “Aaggh, you did what?”
I had never heard anything like this concerning the other guys I dated. Surely he didn’t like him THAT much.
I went on with my plans to go to Spain. I needed to do something for myself and make plans for my future.
But then Brad decided to go on a date with another girl. Part of me was really happy for him because I wanted him to be happy. I really cared about him.
But the other part of me knew that it was a matter of numbers. He would move on and date others and I would be gone…to whatever…I kept thinking about the looming realization that I would likely not talk to him again.
The problem with connection
A lot of people go and talk to friends about their fears and struggles. But I never knew how to do this. I never knew how to let my guard down and trust others. It was never safe growing up to share feelings or vulnerability.
Instead I shoved my feelings aside and got to work. All I did was work. I started in 4th grade selling door to door and by the time I was in high school I had three jobs all to help my family and to help me get into college.
So because I lacked the ability at the time to tap into my emotions and feelings I had to start with logic. It was at this point I decided to sit down and systematically take inventory of what I wanted. Not only what I wanted in the moment but for my future.
Questions to ask to know if they are the right one:
Do I want to be married in life someday?….for me it was yes.
Do we share the same values?….yes, spiritual life, family life, etc. were all in line
Do other people in my life, notably those who know me best, feel that we were compatible?….yes.
Do we enjoy each other’s company and feel attracted to each other?…yes.
Can I see myself raising children with this person?…yes.
Could they be a good parent, friend, and provider?…yes.
Do they care for and consider my feelings and needs?…yes
One of the most important questions:
Is this person open to growth and development as a person?
Could I control when the right person was to come knocking on my door?…no, because although I’m a planner and one contributor to my eventual fate, I cannot control the exact events that are to happen in my life.
Just like we can’t choose our natural eye color, hair color, or whether there will be ripe avocados to make guacamole at the grocery store when we decide on it (random I know)…I can’t always decide the order of events that happen to me.
…
Taking the leap of faith and what I know now
So I had to take a leap of faith. I told him what I wanted to do and he promised we would go to Spain as soon as possible. Today, looking back, I was very rigid in my thinking.
If I could do it all over again I would have compromised and instead of choosing to live in Spain for years, I would have gone for a year instead.
Brad would have waited for me…another sign of a good partner. But I needed to be able to ask.
They have the long view in mind. We must have a mindset of longevity. What is one year when we have a lifetime ahead of us.
You may feel a little surprised because it doesn’t sound like a head over heals in love experience. But like I said before I wasn’t able to access my feelings. I had no practice feeling feelings and considering what was lurking below deep in my heart.
If this is you, take heart! When you have found the right person and the conditions are right love grows over time. In fact, you can’t possibly love your partner perfectly day one.
Because you can’t possibly know this complex human fully. It takes years of life experience and events together to know them and build a love that lasts.
But we’re not newly weds…how does this apply to me?
You may be thinking to yourself, Morgan, we’re already married. In fact, we’ve been married 10, 20, 30+ years. How do these questions make a difference to us right now?
Okay, so you decided to say the vows a while ago. But we decide every day to be married. We do things to draw us closer or pull us further apart.
We decide to stay married everyday. 10, 20, 30+ years ago you decided you were meant to be married in this life. There’s a reason for that. Sometimes you have to rediscover those reasons.
I saw a great quote that’s worth repeating,
“Stop saying a marriage license is just a piece of paper, so is money, but we get up every day and work for it”
How true is that?
