Brad (00:10):
Okay. I'm here with Finn and Stella and they recently came to one of our workshops. I wanna ask you guys, uh, what was it like heading up to the workshop and what was the workshop like for you?
Stella (00:23):
I think for me being the one who was betrayed, um, I was, I wasn't sure how it would go. I didn't want it to be like an AA meeting where people stood up and told their stories. Um, I was worried for my husband, who is the healer. I didn't want him to feel like the spotlight or to target on his back. And I didn't want him to be even more ashamed than he already felt. Um, but I also needed to tell my side too. So it was a fine balance. And one of the things that I got out of this so much is that you, Brad do such a good job, is nobody ever feels attacked or the bad, right? There's no bad person. There's no, you're the good person. You're the bad person. But you make us both feel seen. We felt seen, I feel like Jerry felt what he went through. You understood his trauma cuz he had trauma as well. And I, and you understood mine stood mine. Like I think we both were equal in it. It wasn't just about the, the betrayer was this horrible person and the, you know, the other person is they had no fault in this. It didn't, it didn't happen that way at all. And I was it's, it's almost feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm so excited. Like our marriage is actually gonna be better now.
Finn (02:01):
Yeah. From my side with Stella, I just wanted to, you know, she was having those triggers. I was learning to be on the caring side. I went through the six week program online and, and I really got a lot out of that. Really understand that the healer part of being there for her being calm, but she was having triggers. And I remember one night we sat in bed and she re she was having a major trigger. She was flooding. And I told her, I said, look, I'm sorry. I do not know how to, um, help you with what you're going through right now. Um, but I'm hoping that this workshop that we're going to would help you with that also help myself and how to work through these, um, triggers and the things that is going on with our relationship and how to communicate better. Um, and that's a major thing that I got out of this workshop. I mean, it was, uh, it was really, really good if you're open and honest and willing to accept, you know, your side of it, not blaming the other person, no matter what I'm gonna make myself better, I'm gonna make myself happy for my partner then, then than this workshop is, is just incredible. It really is. That's good. What was the workshop like? What did you guys get out of it? Quit still.
Stella (03:24):
I think for, for me after every day, I actually felt better, which I was shocked by. I really thought it had been, would've been, we were going through heavy things and working through a lot of heavy things that I actually felt better. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, which was shocking to me. Mm-hmm <affirmative> um, second day for us was extremely hard. Cause we were talking about grief. Oh yeah. And family of origin. And that's really hard for both of us. And we were both kind of having some moments of crying, but yet somehow by the end of it, I felt like weight was lifted off my shoulders. Interesting. And we had the best conversations I think we've ever had last night,
Finn (04:15):
You got the second night, second
Stella (04:16):
Night you went to dinner, like went to dinner and sat outside and a hundred, five degree heat. And it was amazing.
Finn (04:22):
I know you say don't talk about it afterwards, but, but you can't help. It's it's, it's, it's a little difficult
Stella (04:28):
And especially when it's good. Yeah.
Finn (04:29):
When it's good, like, like Stella was saying the three days, I understand the, the why you do the three days, why you have it set up, like you have it set up, you know, recognizing you gotta work on the issue first, you gotta work on, you know, what happened, the infidelity that, you know, whatever happened. And then you can start working on the marriage and you can start working on, you know, but you need to work on kind of your individual trauma and, and stuff. So getting to really understand that. And then, okay. The second day let's work on the grief and trauma and, and triggers. Um, you know, I've had a really bad childhood. Um, I, a lot of stuff I pushed to the side, I fogged out. I've just said, I'm not gonna look at it. I have to look at that stuff.
Finn (05:16):
And really, because it showed me the actions that I was taking were because of some of these reasons. Um, and the reasons why I personally got to the part where I had infidelity, you know, that I cheated on her. I was crying and I was shaking. I've never shook like that in my life. But at that time I was like, okay, I can understand. I started writing down notes of how do I feel? You know, and how, okay. My actions were probably because of this, you know what I mean? Um, and it really was kind of a breakthrough breakthrough. I mean, I've had a bunch of breakthroughs, but that was another breakthrough. That's huge. That was huge. Yeah. And then, and then day three was, it was good. It was great hearing the stories of, of other couples, cuz you can relate to it.
Finn (06:04):
And also the information that you've shown this whole time, you know, you, you realize that you're not the crazy outlier. Mm-hmm <affirmative> uh, couple like the stuff you have set up <laugh> you go, okay, do you have this issue? Do you have this issue? I mean, and you, you nail it right on the do like I've never seen it's the craziest thing, cuz your outline is okay, this is how I am and what I do. And this is how Stella is and what she does. Right. And our couple, and this is why you went, this is what happened and went down this road and it's like, okay, I guess we're not the crazy outlier. And you I've heard this in your podcast.
Stella (06:40):
We're not as special as we
Finn (06:41):
Thought. Right? Yeah. You're not, you just work on these things and do it. You can come out and be successful, you know? And, and it was, I love it. And I really do, um, it it's helped us tremendously. Oh
Stella (06:56):
My gosh. I can't even
Finn (06:58):
To a point to where we didn't know how, what to do and I didn't know how to communicate. And now we're
Stella (07:02):
Oh, I was in full detachment. Yeah. Wow. I was in full detachment. Wow. Which I know in your podcast, you said that a lot of people didn't come back from that.
Brad (07:11):
Well I have, I have actually, since I've recorded this, sorry.
Stella (07:15):
<laugh>
Brad (07:15):
So yeah. I've
Stella (07:16):
Seen people come back. Yeah. And but I think when this all happened, when I found out about his infertility, it shocked me enough to go, this is worth it. I fought for him and I was like, no, we're gonna work this out in bad therapist. We had a really bad therapist. And then when I found your podcast, I was like, and I was almost, I almost didn't even, I go, Hey, I'm listening to this podcast. You know, I'm gonna suggest it. And he goes, oh, I'll totally listen to it. I was like, what? And then once he listened to it, he goes, oh my, this is us. Mm-hmm <affirmative> this is us.
Finn (07:55):
And then we decided to, to, to put the money and invest into our relationship.
Stella (07:59):
It's it's an investment it an
Finn (08:00):
Investment. But you gotta take that, like this is number one for us. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. If we don't fix this, it'll never get,
Stella (08:09):
And we, we were going on a sun vacation for anniversary and we decided that this was more important. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and I'm so, and we almost didn't do this, but I'm so, so glad we made that choice. Mm-hmm <affirmative> it was the best choice. It
Brad (08:26):
Is. That's well, that's real commitment.
Finn (08:28):
Yeah.
Brad (08:28):
It is. You know, you have to be committed if you're gonna work on this.
Stella (08:30):
Yeah. You do. You have to be. And, and like I said, if you're even on the fence at all, if it's worth it, it is your marriage is worth it. If you have kids, your kids are definitely worth it. We are both from divorced family. And I was like, I will never get a divorce. I still feel that way. But <laugh> I'll live in detachment. <laugh> yeah. I will never get
Brad (08:52):
A divorce. Yeah. I don't believe in divorce. I believe in murder.
Stella (08:54):
Right, right. Y'all just live in unhappiness. Yeah. And nobody wants to live in unhappiness. It's there's so much happiness out there and it's so worth it.
Brad (09:03):
Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad. That's I'm glad. Yeah. If you, what would you say to somebody who's on the fence about something like this
Finn (09:12):
Coming to this? Yeah.
Stella (09:15):
I think if you're on the fence and you are afraid to be around other people or around other couples, it is not that situation at all. You don't have to talk if you don't want to mm-hmm <affirmative> you can talk all you want. If you want to. Cuz all there was all the other couples that were here and online, we were all kind of different mm-hmm <affirmative> we were all in different phases. We were all different and that's okay. Yeah. And that's what, and there's, you know, two, a couples might be two withdrawals and they don't wanna talk that's okay. But if you feel like you need to talk and get it off and, and ask, ask a lot of questions, then that's great too. It, it it's all what you want to make out of it. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and your marriage is so worth it. You will not leave here. Not getting something. Yeah. Something out of
Finn (10:04):
It. And, and me as a betrayer, you know, I was really had, you know, I was like, man, I don't know if I want the spotlight on me, you know? Cause there's already a spotlight already. Oh sure. You know, with the triggers. And I was like, you know what? I don't think Brad is that way. After listening to your podcast, I went to the, you know, we both went to the six week intensive. So I was like, I don't think, I really don't think Brad's gonna do that. Just call people out and stand up like an AA meeting. Um, and so there's
Stella (10:30):
Anything wrong with that? Just not in a situation.
Finn (10:32):
Right. But I was, but then I was like, well, if that's what it takes for us to get where we need to be. That's what, but it's not like that at all. I mean, it's sit down, you go through the work, you have exercises. Um, you really sit down and listen and ask questions and,
Stella (10:47):
And you connect with the other
Finn (10:48):
Person. Right. You connect with the other person, you kind of go through it together. Um, it's a good couple's, you know, together validness and
Brad (10:58):
Yeah. And you can interact with the other guests as much as you want. Right. Right. Like, you know, it's not, I just don't force it on people. No, no people don't have their right. You know, and their privacy and that kind of thing, but also that freedom to interact if they want.
Stella (11:13):
Definitely.
Finn (11:14):
Yeah. I agree with that. I mean, there's a lot, you know, and it's, it's, it's kind of helpful too, to see there's other couples going through this also, you're not the only one going through this. So it is, you know, kind of a relief, not saying a huge relief, but it's a kind of relief to see like, okay, we're there's other people going through this also. We're not the outliers here. And, but you know what, it's kind of nice to see that other people are putting the investment in also that they're like, okay, well they're doing it. We can do it.
Stella (11:41):
There's such a stigma that if your spouse cheats, you gotta leave.
Finn (11:45):
Yeah. You
Stella (11:45):
Gotta leave. And this kind of debunks all of that. Oh yeah. For sure. It, it actually is harder to stay. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, it's so much harder to stay. Right. And, and if anybody knows about it, you're probably gonna get some pushback. Like why, why, you know, why are you staying? So in here you kind of feel like, no, this is, this is hard and I'm putting in the work. Yeah. And it's good. And we're gonna be better because of it. And no one has to know. I mean, no one has to know again. I mean, it's just between you and him, if you want it to be. That's
Brad (12:16):
Awesome. That's awesome. I really appreciate you guys sharing your story, helping a lot of people. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.
Morgan (12:26):
We hope Finn and Stella's story is encouraging to you. Go to healingbrokentrust.com to find out how to take your healing journey to the next level that's healingbrokentrust.com.
