Brad (00:10):
Okay. I'm here with Finn and Stella and they recently came to one of our workshops. I want to ask you guys, what was it like heading up to the workshop and what was the workshop like for you?
Stella (00:23):
I think for me, being the one who was betrayed, I wasn't sure how it would go. I didn't want it to be like an AA meeting where people stood up and told their stories. I was worried for my husband, who is the healer, I didn't want him to feel like the spotlight or a target on his back. And I didn't want him to be even more ashamed than he already felt. But I also needed to tell my side too. So it was a fine balance. And one of the things that I got out of this so much is that you, Brad, do such a good job is nobody ever feels attacked or the bad. There's no bad person. There's no, you're the good person, you're the bad person, but you make us both feel seen. We felt seen. I feel like what he went through, you understood his trauma because he had trauma as well.
(01:29):
And you understood mine. I think we both were equal in it. It wasn't just about the betrayer was this horrible person and the other person is, they had no fault in this. It didn't happen that way at all. And it almost feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm so excited our marriage is actually going to be better now.
Finn (01:59):
Yeah. From my side with Stella, I just wanted to ... She was having those triggers. I was learning to be on the caring side. I went to the six week program online and I really got a lot out of that. Really understand that the healer part of being there for her, being calm, but she was having triggers. And I remember one night we sat in bed and she was having a major trigger. She was flooding. And I told her, I said, "Look, I'm sorry. I do not know how to help you with what you're going through right now.
(02:35):
But I'm hoping that this workshop that we're going to would help you with that. Also help myself and how to work through these triggers and things that are going on with our relationship and how to communicate better." And that's a major thing that I got out of this workshop. I mean, it was really, really good. If you're open and honest and willing to accept your side of it, not blaming the other person, no matter what, I'm going to make myself better, I'm going to make myself happy for my partner, then this workshop is just incredible. It really is.
Brad (03:18):
That's good. What was the workshop like? What did you guys get out of it?
Finn (03:22):
Go ahead Stella.
Stella (03:23):
I think for me, after every day I actually felt better, which I was shocked by. I really thought it would have been ... We were going through heavy things and working through a lot of heavy things, but I actually felt better, which was shocking to me. Second day for us was extremely hard because we were talking about grief and family of origin. And that's really hard for both of us. And we were both kind of having some moments of crying, but yet somehow by the end of it, I felt like weight was lifted off my shoulders. And we had the best conversations I think we've ever had last night.
Finn (04:13):
You got the second night.
Stella (04:14):
Second night. We went to dinner. Went to dinner and sat outside in a 105 degree heat. And it was amazing.
Finn (04:21):
And I know you say don't talk about it afterwards, but-
Stella (04:23):
But you can't help.
Finn (04:24):
It's a little difficult. Especially
(04:28):
When it's good. Yeah, when it's good. Like Della was saying, the three days, I understand why you do the three days, why you have it set up like you have it set up. Recognizing you got to work on the issue first, you got to work on what happened, the infidelity that whatever happened, and then you can start working on the marriage and you can start working on ... But you need to work on kind of your individual trauma and stuff. So getting to really understand that. And then, okay, the second day, let's work on the grief and trauma and triggers.
(05:04):
I've had a really bad childhood. A lot of stuff I pushed to the side, I fogged out. I've just said, "I'm not going to look at it. " I have to look at that stuff and really, because it showed me the actions that I was taking were because of some of these reasons and the reasons why I personally got to the part where I had infidelity, that I cheated on her. Really, I was crying and I was shaking. I've never shook like that in my life, but at that time I was like, "Okay, I can understand." I started writing down notes of how do I feel and how, okay, my actions were probably because of this. You know what I mean? And it really was kind of a breakthrough, breakthrough. I mean, I've had a bunch of breakthroughs, but that was another breakthrough.
Stella (05:54):
That's huge.
Finn (05:55):
And then day three was,
(05:58):
It was great hearing the stories of other couples because you can relate to it. And also the information that you've shown this whole time, you realize that you're not the crazy outlier couple. The stuff you have set up, you go, "Okay, do you have this issue? Do you have this issue?" I mean, you nail it right on the dot. I've never seen ... It's the craziest thing because your outline is, okay, this is how I am and what I do and this is how Stella is and what she does and our couple and this is what happened and went down this road and it's like, okay, I guess we're not the crazy outlier. And I've heard this in your podcast. And
Stella (06:39):
We're not as special as we
Finn (06:40):
Thought. Right. And just work on these things and do it. You can come out and be successful and I love it and I really do. It helped us tremendously.
Stella (06:54):
Oh my gosh. I can't even ...
Finn (06:56):
To a point to where we didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to communicate and now we're
Stella (07:01):
... Oh, I was in full detachment.
Finn (07:03):
Wow.
Stella (07:03):
I was in full detachment,
Brad (07:06):
Which
Stella (07:06):
I know in your podcast you said that a lot of people didn't come back from that.
Brad (07:10):
Well, I have actually, since I've recorded this. Sorry. So-
Stella (07:14):
Yeah,
Brad (07:14):
I've seen people come
Stella (07:15):
Back. Yeah. But I think when this all happened, when I found out about his infidelity, it shocked me enough to go, "This is worth it. " I fought for him and I was like, "No, we're going to work this out. " And bad therapist, we had a really bad therapist and then when I found your podcast, I was like ... I almost didn't even ... I go, "Hey, I'm listening to this podcast. I'm going to suggest it. " And he goes, "Oh, I'll totally listen to it. " And I was like, "What?" And then once he listened, he goes, "Oh my God, this is us. This is us."
Finn (07:53):
And then we decided to put the money and invest into our relationship as far as-
Stella (07:58):
It's an investment. It is an investment,
Finn (08:00):
But you got to take that. This is number one for us, you know what I mean?
Stella (08:04):
Yeah.
Finn (08:05):
If we don't fix this, it'll never get ...
Stella (08:07):
And we were going on a sun vacation for our anniversary and we decided that this was more important and we almost didn't do this, but I'm so, so glad we made that choice. It was the best choice. It
Brad (08:24):
Is. Well, that's real commitment. Yes, it is. You have to be committed if you're going to work on this.
Stella (08:29):
Yeah. You do. And like I said, if you're even on the fence at all, if it's worth it, it is. Your marriage is worth it. If you have kids, your kids are definitely worth it. We are both from divorced families and I was like, "I will never get a divorce." I still feel that way, but I'll live in detachment, I will never get a divorce. I
Brad (08:51):
Don't believe in divorce, I believe in murder.
Stella (08:53):
Right, right. Y'all just live in unhappiness. And nobody wants to live in unhappiness. There's so much happiness out there and it's so worth it.
Brad (09:02):
Yeah. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad ... Yeah. What would you say to somebody who's on the fence about something like this?
Finn (09:11):
A coming to this? Yeah.
Stella (09:13):
I think if you're on the fence and you are afraid to be around other people or around other couples, it is not that situation at all. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. You can talk all you want if you want to, because there was all the other couples that were here and online, we were all kind of different. We were all in different phases. We were all different, and that's okay. And there's a couples might be two withdrawers and they don't want to talk. That's okay. But if you feel like you need to talk and get it off and ask a lot of questions, then that's great too. It's all what you want to make out of it, and your marriage is so worth it. You will not leave here not getting something, something out of it.
Finn (10:03):
And me as a betrayer, I was really had ... I was like, "Man, I don't know if I want the spotlight on me, because there's already a spotlight already with the triggers." And I was like, "You know what? I don't think Brad is that way." After listening to your podcast, we both went to the six weeks intensive, so I was like, "I really don't think Brad's going to do that. Just call people out and stand up like an AA meeting." Not that there's anything
Stella (10:28):
Wrong with that, just not in this
Finn (10:30):
Situation. Right, but then I was like, "Well, if that's what it takes for us to get where we need to be, but it's not like that at all. I mean, it's sit down, you go through the work, you have exercises, you really sit down and listen and ask questions and-
Stella (10:45):
And you connect with the other person.
Finn (10:47):
Right. You connect with the other person, you kind of go through it together. It's a good couple's together validness and ...
Brad (10:56):
Yeah. And you can interact with the other guests as much as you want. I just don't force it on
Stella (11:02):
People. A
Brad (11:03):
Lot of people have their privacy and that kind of thing, but also that freedom to interact if they want.
Stella (11:12):
Definitely.
Finn (11:13):
I agree with that. I mean, there's a lot ... And it's kind of helpful too to see ... There's other couples going through this also. You're not the only one going through this. So it is kind of a relief, not saying a huge relief, but it's a kind of relief to see like, okay, there's other people going through this also. We're not the outliers here, but you know what? It's kind of nice to see that other people are putting the investment in also, that they're like, "Okay, well, they're doing it. We can do it. "
Stella (11:39):
Well, because there's such a stigma that if your spouse cheats, you got to leave.
Finn (11:43):
Yeah, you got to
Stella (11:44):
Leave. And this kind of debunks all of that.
Finn (11:46):
Oh yeah.
Stella (11:47):
For sure. It actually is harder to stay. It's so much harder to stay. And if anybody knows about it, you're probably going to get some pushback like, "Why? Why? Why are you staying?" So in here you kind of feel like, "No, this is hard and I'm putting in the work and it's good and we're going to be better because of it. " And no one has to know. I mean, no one has to know and it's just between you and him if you want it to be. That's
Brad (12:14):
Awesome. That's awesome. I really appreciate you guys sharing your story helping a lot of people. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you brother.
Morgan (12:24):
We hope Finn and Stella's story is encouraging to you. Go to healingbrokentrust.com to find out how to take your healing journey to the next level. That's healingbrokentrust.com.
