I have strong feelings about this matter. There aren’t many things that are black and white but this is one of them.
We will do two things here…
We will share our view about telling your kids about the affair
Then we will give you next steps for just in case you haven’t handled things well so far
Sound fair? Okay let’s jump into it…But first consider grabbing your copy of the “First Steps To Protecting Your Kids From The Affair” below.
Some people think telling your kids about the infidelity is a part of the healing journey and that knowing the truth will help you heal.
That hasn’t been my experience in helping couples heal.
The couples who do the best in healing have zero to few friends who know and have children who don’t know any of the details.
There are different reasons why the kids eventually find out:
Maybe mom and dad choose to divorce and their isn’t a reason to keep it a secret any longer,
Maybe the betrayed parent doesn’t want to be seen as the bad parent for filing for divorce
One or both want to justify their actions
Maybe it’s an attempt to get the unfaithful parent to stop an affair,
Maybe it’s an explanation given for why “out of the blue” dad and mom are separating.
Even in any of those situations I wouldn’t tell my kids.
The biggest reason they shouldn’t know is they will be just as traumatized as the spouse who was cheated on, and they don’t have the coping skills to handle it.
A rule of thumb to follow:
If they don’t have their own family yet, they are too young to handle your disclosure about the affair.
They are still developing and I can promise you this will drive them away from the values and lessons you’ve tried to teach them.
If your goal is to reconcile with your spouse who was unfaithful then the kids knowing about the betrayal will only hinder that.
Children feel replaced and betrayed too. Many times they DON’T want their parents to reconcile. But it’s because they can’t fully process what it all means.
If a child is a teen they often don’t want their parents to reconcile. They are typically disgusted with the parent who cheated and they want nothing to do with them. Sometimes the child hates the parent who was unfaithful.
Adult and very young children typically are more supportive of their parents attempts to reconcile.
Some “experts” say the kids should know because that’s forced accountability for the betrayer.
I say, be the adult. Don’t destroy your children just so you can have “accountability”. There are other healthier, options for accountability and for healing then telling your kids.
Telling the kids would be the last thing on earth I would do.
If you must tell you kids, and there may be times you must, you need to first ask yourself,
“Is this worth scaring them with a deep emotional wound, that will impact their future romantic relationships, selection of their future spouse in a negative way, impact their grades and social life?
Am I really telling them about the affair to make me feel better or to get back at my unfaithful spouse?
Attachment researchers describe the horrible impact of a parent using their child for emotional support has on the child.
Let your child be a child. Your job is to preserve their innocence and protect them while they are young. Do not force them to take on adult burdens before they are adults.
So should you tell your kids about their parents affair? The answer is a hard no.
The pain you feel from this is what they will feel.
Would you wish this pain on any other living creature? Much less your own child? Probably not.
If you want to reconcile, keep the kids out of the mess as much as you can.
If you must tell them, it better be a good enough reason to justify the PTSD symptoms, screwing up their future romantic relationships, and for them to reject any values you’ve tried to instill in them.
It doesn’t matter how mature, wise, or independent you think your kids are.
Your job as their parent is to protect them from trauma, their innocence, and let them be kids.
NOW WITH THAT SAID….
If you have already made the mistake of including your children here’s what you must do now.
Schedule trauma therapy for your children. It’s plane and simple. They need help processing this betrayal. You need to find them a good trauma therapist.
