Affairs don’t always end when the truth comes out. Sometimes, the most painful part isn’t the betrayal itself—it’s what comes after. The text messages that won’t stop. The surprise phone calls. The social media stalking. The subtle (or not-so-subtle) attempts by the affair partner to pull your spouse back in, even after the affair is supposedly over.
Why does this happen? Why won’t the other person just move on?
The answer is often one word: limerence.
We often talk about limerence in the context of the unfaithful spouse. But sometimes, it’s the affair partner who’s caught in the loop. They’re the ones who can’t let go—who mistake emotional intensity for love, and who cling tightly to the belief that this relationship was “meant to be.”
They may not have started with that intention. Maybe it began as flirting. Maybe they didn’t even expect anything serious. But once limerence kicks in, logic goes out the window. The betrayed spouse becomes “the obstacle.” The unfaithful partner becomes “the one.” And everything else is background noise. Go here to learn more about limerence.
Why the Affair Partner Won’t Walk Away
If your spouse has ended the affair but the other person keeps circling back, it may be because the affair partner is stuck in emotional withdrawal. Limerence makes rejection feel like a personal collapse. The affair partner doesn’t just miss your spouse—they feel like they need them. Their mind starts spinning with “what ifs.” They fantasize about a dramatic reunion. They hold on to any sliver of hope, even if your spouse has clearly moved on.
This behavior isn’t about love. It’s about addiction. The affair gave them a high. A sense of being wanted, chosen, important. And now that it’s over, they’re searching for their next “fix”—which, to them, means getting your spouse back.
That’s why they keep texting. That’s why they linger. It’s not about your marriage. It’s about their own internal crash.
Take James, for example.
He ended the affair after confessing to his wife and committing to rebuild their marriage. He blocked the affair partner’s number, shut down the secret email, even changed his work schedule. But she didn’t stop. She created new social accounts to message him. Left notes on his car. Showed up at his gym. She even emailed his wife—twice—insisting that James was lying about the breakup. James felt trapped. He wasn’t trying to rekindle anything. But the affair partner, deep in limerence, believed their love was real and that his “rejection” was just fear. What she saw as fate, he now saw as a serious threat to his recovery.
Or take Michelle.
She ended the affair months ago, choosing her husband and vowing to move forward. But her affair partner didn’t take the hint. He emailed on holidays. Drove by her house. Commented cryptically on her Instagram photos. He said he “understood” her decision—but also claimed he’d wait for her “as long as it takes.” Michelle wasn’t confused about what she wanted—but his lingering presence made her feel haunted by the worst version of herself. It was as if every step toward healing was being shadowed by someone still trapped in the fantasy.
How This Impacts Your Marriage
But it wasn’t just James and Michelle who were affected. Their spouses were, too—and in ways that made healing even harder.
James’s wife felt like she was living in a minefield. Just when she started to breathe again, a strange message would pop up, or someone would mention seeing “that woman” around town. Each new intrusion re-opened the wound. She started questioning everything again: Is James really done? Has he secretly been in contact? Why won’t this woman go away?Her anger, which had started to cool, flared back up. Trust, which was slowly being rebuilt, got set back weeks—or months. She wasn’t just hurt by James’s affair. Now she was being retraumatized by the affair partner’s obsession.
Michelle’s husband felt equally ambushed. He was trying to forgive her, to work through his pain, to move forward. But every time her affair partner popped up—online, in conversation, or physically near their home—it was like salt in the wound. He felt powerless and disrespected, not just by the man who pursued his wife, but by the situation itself. It made him angry at Michelle again, even though she wasn’t in contact. He began to wonder, Why is this still happening? Was it really over? His progress stalled, not because he didn’t want to heal—but because the affair kept bleeding into their present.
In both cases, the affair partner’s refusal to let go became more than an annoyance. It became a major obstacle to rebuilding trust. It kept the betrayed spouses stuck in a cycle of fear and reactivity—unable to fully move forward because they were still fighting shadows from the past.
This kind of ongoing interference can keep the wound open. Even if your spouse is genuinely trying to repair the relationship, the affair partner’s persistence can create confusion and division. It puts pressure on your trust. It raises doubts. It reintroduces chaos just when you're trying to rebuild stability.
Worse, if your spouse hasn’t set firm boundaries, the affair partner may interpret silence or uncertainty as an invitation to keep trying.
This is why healing isn’t just about ending the affair. It’s about ending access.
What Needs to Happen
If the affair partner is in limerence, they won’t walk away on their own. They need the unfaithful partner to close the door—firmly and permanently. That means:
No communication.
No “just being kind” or “trying to let them down easy.”
No keeping them as a backup or emotional safety net.
Anything less sends mixed signals. And in limerence, mixed signals are fuel.
For the betrayed spouse, it’s okay to demand clarity and action. You’re not being controlling. You’re protecting your relationship from further damage.
We’ve created a letter you can use to send to the affair partner to let them know the affair is over. You can find that here.
If you need help with the concrete steps that must be taken to end an affair go here.
When It Finally Ends
The good news is: limerence always fades. The obsession will run its course. The affair partner may cling for a while—but once reality sets in, and no more contact is made, the grip begins to loosen.
They stop chasing. They stop hoping. They stop showing up.
And when that happens, your marriage has more room to breathe, to stabilize, to begin the real work of healing.
At our Healing Broken Trust Couples Workshop, we help couples navigate the fallout of infidelity—including the emotional aftershocks of limerence. Whether the affair partner won’t let go or your marriage feels stuck in limbo, this workshop offers a proven path forward. You don’t have to live in survival mode. You can heal, reconnect, and rediscover what real love feels like—together.
Join us at healingbrokentrust.com/hbtworkshop and take your next step toward clarity, closure, and lasting connection.
