One of the most heartbreaking things we hear from betrayed spouses is,
“They say they’ve never felt this way before.
That they think the affair partner is their soulmate.
How do I compete with that?”
It’s devastating. But it’s also not uncommon. Many affairs, especially emotionally charged ones, are driven by a powerful experience called limerence. It’s a form of obsessive, addictive love that creates a kind of emotional high—what some call love sickness. For many unfaithful spouses, the affair begins as a connection or friendship, but then quickly transforms into an intense, all-consuming attachment that feels impossible to walk away from.
Often, that intensity is compared to the quieter, steadier love they feel toward their spouse—what researchers call companionship love. And because limerence feels more “alive,” more urgent, they mistake it for the real thing.
But here’s the truth: limerence is not real love. And companionship love—though less flashy—is more stable, meaningful, and capable of lasting a lifetime. We’re going to break both down in the following sections ahead.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is more than just attraction. It’s a state of emotional obsession and dependency that can feel euphoric one moment and devastating the next. It is marked by:
Intrusive, obsessive thoughts about the affair partner
Mood swings based on how the affair partner responds
Idealization of their positive qualities while ignoring red flags
Emotional highs when they believe they are loved back
Despair when affection feels uncertain
Preoccupation that often overrides concern for family, marriage, or even self-care
Clinically, Wakin and Vo define it as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation.”
This means the person caught in limerence becomes emotionally hooked on the hope that their feelings are returned. That perceived reciprocity—real or imagined—is what keeps the obsession going.
In affairs, limerence can develop rapidly. Dorothy Tennov, the psychologist who coined the term, found it can begin from a single meaningful glance, a compliment, or the impression that someone finds you attractive. From there, it can snowball.
Companionship Love: What Real Love Looks Like
Companionship love is often misunderstood—especially when it’s being compared to the intense emotional high of limerence. At first glance, it may seem less exciting or passionate. But in reality, companionship love is stronger, safer, and far more sustainable.
This kind of love is built on a shared life, emotional trust, and deep connection. It doesn’t depend on uncertainty or idealization—it thrives on knowing each other fully and choosing each other daily, even when it’s hard. Unlike limerence, which is reactive and emotionally volatile, companionship love is grounded. It has roots.
Here’s what companionship love tends to look like in real life:
Predictable emotional closeness – You feel calm and at peace around each other, even if life is hectic.
Deep friendship – You genuinely enjoy each other’s company, laugh at inside jokes, and talk about everyday things.
Mutual respect – You admire one another, not just for your good traits but for how you handle life together.
History – You’ve been through things—job changes, parenting challenges, health scares—and come out stronger.
Commitment through the mundane – You show up. Whether it’s helping with the dishes, staying up with a sick child, or navigating in-laws—you do life together.
Safe emotional space – You can talk about fears, dreams, and insecurities without fear of being judged or abandoned.
This is the kind of love many couples share before an affair happens. But over time, it may get buried under exhaustion, unspoken resentment, or emotional distance. That doesn’t mean it’s gone—it means it needs attention and care.
And here’s the beautiful thing: companionship love can be reignited. When couples heal after betrayal, they often find that their post-affair relationship feels more emotionally honest, more connected, and more resilient than before.
To discover 20 differences between fantasy love of an affair and true love click here.
Why Companionship Love Is Underrated—and Undeniably Better
In the early stages of a relationship, limerence often steals the spotlight. It’s flashy, emotional, and feels urgent. Companionship love, by comparison, seems calm—even ordinary. But that’s its strength.
Companionship love doesn’t need chaos to stay alive.
Where limerence feeds on tension, fantasy, and emotional unavailability, companionship love thrives on emotional safety and presence. It doesn’t burn out in two years—it matures over decades.
Why is it underrated?
Because in our culture, love is often portrayed as something that happens to us, not something we grow. Movies and music celebrate the sparks of passion but rarely show the kind of love that gets up at 2 a.m. to clean up after a sick child or stays during a hard season because you made a vow.
But the truth is: that kind of love is the one that lasts.
It’s the kind that shows up. It’s the kind that can weather betrayal, grief, financial stress, or aging. And in the long run, it’s the kind of love that brings peace—not just passion.
Why It’s Worth Fighting For
When someone caught in limerence says, “I’ve never felt this way before,” what they’re often describing is intensity—not intimacy. Limerence is about what they feel; companionship love is about what they build.
When a spouse is ready to leave everything for their affair partner, they’re often comparing an emotional high with a lived-in reality—and it’s not a fair comparison.
But here’s what we’ve seen over and over again:
Spouses who felt “out of love” rediscover deep connection through intentional healing.
Couples who felt disconnected rebuild trust and passion.
Marriages that were nearly destroyed by betrayal become the strongest relationships in their lives.
Companionship love is not second-best. It’s the real prize.
And when nurtured, it doesn’t just survive the storm of limerence—it can come back stronger than ever.
Why Limerence Feels More Powerful—But Isn’t
Limerence feels like falling in love for the first time. The brain floods with dopamine and adrenaline, making the affair partner seem perfect, irresistible, and even magical. Add a little adversity (like having to hide the relationship), and the intensity can skyrocket.
In fact, adversity feeds limerence. When there’s distance or uncertainty, the longing grows stronger. This is why a spouse stuck in limerence often can’t stop thinking about the affair partner, even when they know they’re risking everything—family, home, integrity.
But here’s the key: limerence doesn’t last.
It’s been shown to fade within 12 to 36 months, especially once real-life stress replaces fantasy. And when it fades, it leaves people disillusioned. Many who leave their spouse for the affair partner find that they’ve traded stability for chaos—and they deeply regret it.
Companionship love, on the other hand, often doesn’t get a chance to shine until limerence burns out. That’s because the steady presence of a loyal spouse doesn’t produce the emotional spikes that limerence does. But it's exactly that steadiness that makes it the kind of love you can build a life on.
The Danger of Comparing a Fantasy to Real Life
When an unfaithful spouse is in limerence, they often compare their spouse—who may be tired, hurt, or dealing with real-life stressors—to the affair partner, who represents escape, excitement, and affirmation.
It’s not a fair comparison.
You’re comparing someone who knows your flaws to someone who sees your highlight reel. Someone who loves you through the hard stuff to someone who only knows the polished version of you. Someone who’s been building a life with you to someone who’s been avoiding reality altogether.
What the Research Says: Gottman on Why Companionship Love Lasts
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has spent decades studying what makes relationships succeed or fail. His research confirms what many betrayed spouses need to hear: real love—the kind that sustains a marriage—is not built on limerence. It’s built on companionship.
According to Gottman, many couples who stay happily married for decades don’t start out “madly in love” in the way limerence makes people feel. Instead, they describe their partner as their best friend. Their connection is rooted in trust, emotional safety, shared values, and a deep understanding of each other—not in romantic obsession or emotional highs.
This kind of companionship love is far more stable and reliable than limerence. While limerence thrives on unpredictability and fantasy, companionship love thrives on emotional availability, mutual respect, and consistent care. Gottman found that couples who build their relationship on friendship—rather than passion alone—are significantly more likely to go the distance.
Limerent affairs rarely translate into lasting, fulfilling marriages. In fact, couples who leave their spouse to be with an affair partner (especially when the relationship started in the heat of limerence) are among the most difficult to help in therapy. Once the emotional high fades, they’re often left with unresolved personal baggage, trust issues, and no real foundation to build on.
His work reinforces what so many discover after the devastation of infidelity: Companionship love isn’t just more dependable—it’s what real love grows into.
If your marriage began with friendship, steady affection, and shared dreams, don’t throw that away for the emotional flash of limerence. Because when the dust settles, it’s companionship love—not the high of infatuation—that truly stands the test of time.
To discover 20 differences between fantasy love of an affair and genuine love go here.
At some point, after the confessions and confrontations, after the affair partner fades into myth or memory, couples are left with the quiet aftermath. And that’s when the real questions start. Can we come back from this? Is it even worth trying? The truth is, most couples don’t have a map for navigating betrayal—they have pain, confusion, and maybe a half-hearted internet search. That’s why we created the Healing Broken Trust Workshop—not as another lecture on communication skills, but as a lifeline. It's where couples learn how to put the pieces back together without pretending they weren’t shattered first.
This isn’t group therapy in folding chairs or a seminar of vague feel-good platitudes. It’s a strategic, research-based experience designed specifically for couples healing from infidelity. You’ll get clarity on what really happened, tools to rebuild trust, and expert guidance that makes the impossible feel possible again. If you’re tired of guessing what to do next—or watching your marriage bleed out slowly—come get help that actually works.healingbrokentrust.com/hbtworkshop
