This article focuses on the 3 elements needed to forgive. We do that by examining briefly what unforgiveness looks like, what forgiveness is not, and then we look at what happens internally as we forgive.
How do you forgive someone when they sought to destroy you? The underlying question is also WHY? Why forgive?
Forgiveness is not for the transgressor. It’s for the person who was hurt. Our bitterness and anger eats at our mental and emotional wellbeing. It impacts all of our relationships.
You may have heard the saying, “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping another person dies”. It’s wanting to punish someone else while actually punishing ourselves.
How do you forgive someone when they’ve really hurt, betrayed you, and replaced you with someone else?
What do people do when they forgive? What does it entail? Are there steps to forgiveness? If so what are they?
Several studies reveal exactly what people do when they forgive. It is also important to remember what people do when they don’t forgive.
There are two main things we do if we haven’t forgiven.
We seek revenge by looking for opportunities to harm our transgressor….or…
We distance ourselves by avoiding our transgressor.
Both responses are normal. It’s what we’re tempted to do. Sometimes avoiding someone who hurt us is the right thing to do.
But responding in either way can have negative consequences for us, our relationships, and even society as a whole. (Imagine if everyone had trust issues and avoided difficult yet healing conversations. What kind of world that would be!)
What forgiveness is not
Researchers, Enright, Gassin, and Wu separate forgiveness from pardon which they distinguish as two different things.
Pardon is a legal term meaning to “release an offender from the legal consequences of an offense, or conviction, and often implicitly from blame.”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we condone what they did. Forgiveness isn’t excusing them. “Releasing from blame" implies they are excused.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean there aren’t legal consequences for their actions. And forgiving doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for their actions.
Excusing implies the transgressor had a good reason for doing what they did. There is never a good reason to be unfaithful.
Sometimes forgiveness doesn’t lead to reconciliation. Reconciliation implies a restoration of the relationship. Sometimes couples don’t stay together. Many times they do. It depends on how they heal.
So what are the 3 elements to forgiveness?
Let’s answer that question by examining what a person goes through psychologically in order to forgive:
They develop empathy for the transgressor.
Empathy is considered to be a vicarious experience of another person’s emotional state. The extent to which people forgive their transgressor is highly correlated with the extent to which they experienced empathy for the transgressor.
In other words the more empathy I feel the more forgiveness I have for the person.
How is empathy developed? When transgressors apologize, they implicitly express some degree of fallibility and vulnerability. This might cause victims to feel empathic. Thereby motivating them to forgive their transgressors.
Vulnerable apologies from transgressors help create empathy in victims and that leads to forgiveness.
Empathy leads to “the benefit of the doubt.”
When those who have been wronged develop positive beliefs about the transgressor they see them as more likable which leads to giving the benefit of the doubt. It helps the transgressor’s explanations to seem more adequate and honest as well. That all leads to forgiveness.
But somewhere in this part of the process the question of why can become a point of contention.
They don’t ruminate about the transgression.
Rumination or the tendency to experience intrusive unwanted thoughts, emotions, and images about past events hinders forgiveness.
The more people brood about a transgression the higher their levels of desiring revenge and/or to avoid their transgressor.
The degree to which people reduce their rumination about a particular transgress over time is a good predictor of how much progress they will make in forgiving their transgressor.
This is the point when the betrayal trauma must be dealt with.
So how can someone fully forgive, understand why the affair happened, and truly heal the trauma of betrayal?
Just ask Brad Robinson, LMFT. Brad is a marriage therapist who has worked with couples and families for more than 16 years, and has personally experienced betrayal in past relationships:
"I wanted to become the marriage counselor I wish my parents had after they completely lost hope after my dad was unfaithful. I knew that what led my dad to stray could become a generational problem and I had to stop that. When I discovered what couples really need when healing broken trust I knew I had to share it with as many people as possible.”
Brad collaborated with his wife Morgan to create The Healing Broken Trust WorkshopTM, a specialized program that guides you through the chaos of healing individually and as a couple after infidelity has been discovered.
Listen to the personal stories shared throughout this program and you will realize that you are not alone. The HBT Workshop helps you:
Create fail-proof strategies with easy-to-use workbook
Prepare for painful triggers with your spouse
Work effectively to end the affair(s) and heal once and for all
Develop realistic hopes and expectations for your relationship using Brad’s exclusive methods
...and more.
The HBT Workshop is just one of our award-winning couples programs included with The Complete Healing Broken Trust Package.
THE COMPLETE HEALING BROKEN TRUST PACKAGE
One low price gets you full online access to ALL of the following programs:
The Healing Communication Master Class
The Strong One’s Master Class
90 Days to Affair Recovery Plan
Two Partners, One Path Support Group
Healing Hurts Lifeline Sessions with Brad
Healing Hurts Quick Start Guide
Get your online access today for only $2,500, a fraction of the cost of divorce.
Add a 1-on-1 session with Brad at checkout and schedule your first coaching phone call today.
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Best time in our marriage - Deb S
“Finally we’re on the right path. We were so lost and didn’t think we would make it much longer. I was really worried that this was going to be a replay of the podcast or material we’ve already heard. It was far far from that! I learned so much about my spouse during the workshop. I was afraid he would ask for a divorce. But instead he took my hand and told me what was really on his heart. I am so glad that we decided to come to the workshop and now we have a roadmap to follow and realistic homework for when we get home.”
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I finally understand my partner’s struggles - Liz
"It is very isolating trying to keep our problems to ourselves and away from prying family and “friends”. When you’re at home you hear your spouse tell you things. They tell you what they want but you just don’t hear it. It helps a lot to hear from other couples and people who are in similar situations. I can understand my spouse so much better now just listening to other people’s situations. I also don’t feel so alone. I finally feel like we have hope.”
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Thank you for my life back - Allie
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The future is bright - James R.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! After I learned how to deal with the underlying problems Brad walks us through in the workshop I no longer had issues with the triggers I had before. My wife can look at her phone without me loosing my crap.”
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Not an AA meeting - Stella
"I was so worried this was going to be a ‘roast the betrayer’ type situation. It wasn’t anything like that. Brad is so gentle and caring in his approach. We both felt cared about and heard through the entire workshop. I never felt rushed or pushed into sharing anything I didn’t want to share. I never felt put on the spot or shamed in any way. He walked us through the difficult conversations and we truly feel the best we’ve ever felt. We are truly grateful!”
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We had to do it together - C.H.
"My husband is a sex addict and I thought addiction counseling was really what we needed to move past the hurt. Kind of the old thought “if he fixes his issues we’ll be fixed and can move on”. But it turned out he can’t fix us…WE have to fix us. Yes, he needs addiction help but once the dust settled the hurts and old injuries bubbled to the surface. I am so glad we decided to do this program in addition to addiction counseling. It made all the difference in our relationship.”
★★★★★
Understanding why was big - George
“I learned so many new things at this workshop. I learned why my wife did what she did. We were able to come away with clear direction and that gives me hope.”
