Diving Into the Mind of the Betrayer
After interviewing and helping thousands of couples heal we have discovered many common threads among the unfaithful and betrayed partners alike.
This article explores 19 thoughts most unfaithful partners have about you, the relationship, and why the affair happened.
There are mainly two groups within the unfaithful partners that we will consider. The motivated unfaithful partner and the unmotivated unfaithful partner.
The unmotivated partner may not always know what to do. They may feel helpless that things can’t really change.
The motivated partner may be afraid of losing their spouse. They too aren’t always sure of what to do.
In either case the list below will shed some light on what goes on in the mind of the one who had an affair. This would also apply to anyone who has had multiple affairs as well.
I really feel lonely and want to talk to you about my feelings and problems. I just don’t know how, and right now after hurting you so badly, it seems so unfair to burden you with my feelings.
I want to focus on issues we had prior in our relationship. But it’s because I don’t understood how necessary it is to first focus on healing from the affair. I’m not trying to dismiss your feelings. I just know we have to start somewhere.
I don’t entirely trust the process of healing. I’m not entirely sure that me being honest about what’s happened will help you. I think it would actually hurt us. And I don’t see how I can be your healer when I’m the one who broke you. Shouldn’t it be someone else you heals you? It can’t be me.
I have to turn off my emotions and fake it so I can get through the day. Otherwise my self-hatred would keep me from being able to do basic tasks.
Being unfaithful is the worst thing I’ve ever done. The hardest thing I’ve done is changing myself to show you I’m a new person.
When you get angry I sometimes don’t know if we’re gonna make it. I think I’ve hurt you too much and I’ve gone too far.
I might have been really angry with you before you found out about the affair. But now you know what I’ve done. I never wanted to hurt you like this at all. I thought no one would ever find out.
I was one a path of self-destruction. I was reckless and really didn’t care if I lived or died when the affair was going on.
I know you don’t believe me but I am desperate to make this work.
Even though I don’t show it as much as you’d like, I really am sorry for what I did.
I can’t begin to feel better until I know you’re starting to feel better.
I wrestle with shame and feeling extremely angry with myself. I don’t even know how to begin to forgive myself for what I’ve done.
I don’t answer your questions because I’m trying to forget what I’ve done.
I wrestle with needing to feel like a good person. I know I’ve done the worst thing I can do. My conscience eats at me even when I’m withdrawn or act like nothing is bothering me.
Hurting you will be my biggest regret in life.
I sometimes think words are enough to reassure you that I’m committed to us. I’m slowly learning you also need action.
It’s scary to be fully honest with you. I think the truth could hurt you… and us.
Your struggle with being betrayed is more understood and recognized by society than mine. I will always be looked at as a cheater by our friends and family. I don’t think anyone who knows what I’ve done can see past my hurtful shameful actions to see the real me. I’m an exile. I have lost all the respect of our friends and family.
I know my withdrawing is hard on you and pushes you away. I want you to know your anger pushes me away. I don’t always know how to deal with it constructively.
This is a list of what we’ve been told consistently for years by those who have strayed from their relationship.
You can use this information to better understand your partner and can inform how you approach your spouse with questions.
But the ultimate and best way to learn what’s truly on your partner’s mind is to join us for the next Healing Broken Trust Workshop.
Just ask Brad Robinson, LMFT. Brad is a marriage therapist who has worked with couples and families for more than 16 years, and has personally experienced betrayal in past relationships:
"I wanted to become the marriage counselor I wish my parents had after they completely lost hope after my dad was unfaithful. I knew that what led my dad to stray could become a generational problem and I had to stop that. When I discovered what couples really need when healing broken trust I knew I had to share it with as many people as possible.”
Brad collaborated with his wife Morgan to create The Healing Broken Trust WorkshopTM, a specialized program that guides you through the chaos of healing individually and as a couple after infidelity has been discovered.
Listen to the personal stories shared throughout this program and you will realize that you are not alone. The HBT Workshop helps you:
Create fail-proof strategies for communicating without the negative cycles with easy-to-use tools
Restore trust and handle painful triggers with your spouse and individually
Understand why it happened and end the affair(s) to heal once and for all
Beat the loneliness with an encouraging community to heal with
Develop realistic hopes and expectations for your relationship using Brad’s exclusive methods
...and more.
The HBT Workshop is just one of our award-winning couples programs included with The Complete Healing Broken Trust Package.
THE COMPLETE HEALING BROKEN TRUST PACKAGE
One low price gets you full online access to ALL of the following programs:
The Healing Communication Master Class
The Strong One’s Master Class
90 Days to Affair Recovery Plan
Two Partners, One Path Support Group
Fly-on-the-Wall Sessions with Brad
Healing Hurts Quick Start Guide
Get your online access today for only $2,500, a fraction of the cost of marriage counseling or a divorce.
Add 1-on-1 sessions with Brad or another therapist on our team at checkout and schedule your first coaching phone call today.
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Best time in our marriage - Deb S
“Finally we’re on the right path. We were so lost and didn’t think we would make it much longer. I was really worried that this was going to be a replay of the podcast or material we’ve already heard. It was far far from that! I learned so much about my spouse during the workshop. I was afraid he would ask for a divorce. But instead he took my hand and told me what was really on his heart. I am so glad that we decided to come to the workshop and now we have a roadmap to follow and realistic homework for when we get home.”
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I finally understand my partner’s struggles - Liz
"It is very isolating trying to keep our problems to ourselves and away from prying family and “friends”. When you’re at home you hear your spouse tell you things. They tell you what they want but you just don’t hear it. It helps a lot to hear from other couples and people who are in similar situations. I can understand my spouse so much better now just listening to other people’s situations. I also don’t feel so alone. I finally feel like we have hope.
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Thank you for my life back - Allie
"I have been trying different books and programs for our relationship for over 14 months now and I wish we had just started here from the beginning. We spent so much on marriage counseling that didn’t make a lick of difference. In fact, I spent more on useless junk than on this program. Brad really understands how to help couples heal and I feel like we finally have hope for our future. Thank you Brad and Morgan for our life back!
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The future is bright - James R.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! After I learned how to deal with the underlying problems Brad walks us through in the workshop I no longer had issues with the triggers I had before. My wife can look at her phone without me loosing my crap.”
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Not an AA meeting - Stella
"I was so worried this was going to be a ‘roast the betrayer’ type situation. It wasn’t anything like that. Brad is so gentle and caring in his approach. We both felt cared about and heard through the entire workshop. I never felt rushed or pushed into sharing anything I didn’t want to share. I never felt put on the spot or shamed in any way. He walked us through the difficult conversations and we truly feel the best we’ve ever felt. We are truly grateful!”
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We had to do it together - C.H.
"My husband is a sex addict and I thought addiction counseling was really what we needed to move past the hurt. Kind of the old thought “if he fixes his issues we’ll be fixed and can move on”. But it turned out he can’t fix us…WE have to fix us. Yes, he needs addiction help but once the dust settled the hurts and old injuries bubbled to the surface. I am so glad we decided to do this program in addition to addiction counseling. It made all the difference in our relationship.
★★★★★
Understanding why was big - George
“I learned so many new things at this workshop. I learned why my wife did what she did. We were able to come away with clear direction and that gives me hope.
