Transcript:
Brad:
What's this workshop been like for you guys?
Joe:
It's been extremely helpful. Me, as the betrayer in the relationship, being able to work through the why on the other side of it has been extremely beneficial to better understand how past trauma has brought me to this point and has caused me to take actions to get us to this point, along with how to communicate better and to have a better emotional awareness and tools in order to get there. Because I think with better emotional awareness, both personally and in our relationship, we can talk through these things without getting to the point that we had in the past. So it's been life-changing, and especially for our relationship extremely beneficial, wouldn't you say?
Catherine:
Yeah, for sure. We're about to get married this November and this all happened about a year ago, but I mean, we talk all the time. We always prided ourself in being that couple that never fought. But actually, we're understanding it's really beneficial to have these conflicts, and how to get through them in a productive manner is the changing point of it. And we're just thankful for the tools and resources going into marriage that a lot of people don't have when they start off. Even though the situation is septic, it's brought to light a lot of things and I think we'll have a more beautiful and better marriage in the future because of it.
Brad:
That's good, yeah. What are maybe some of the biggest things you guys have learned, or maybe most surprising, or maybe most helpful things that you've learned?
Joe:
I'd say one of the biggest tools that we talked about at the very beginning and kind of ingrained, and Brad did a great job about ingraining it throughout the weekend, was the attachment style and how we react to certain threats. I think the flow chart was extremely beneficial to understand, okay, hey, in our specific situation that feels threatened these are the things that she needs from me in order to feel secure. Insecurity, going hand-in-hand with trustworthiness and understanding that has been great in terms of tools that I've learned while I've been here this weekend.
The other thing would be roadmaps. Communication roadmaps like at the back of the book, especially some of the stuff that we did today. I know this with negative cycles it's so tough to know if what you're doing is right. When conversations start, it's very easy to get caught in that negative cycle because we're not professionals. We don't know what we're doing, but those roadmaps, we'll go back on them hopefully in the coming weeks and coming months and use them to try to communicate and start to gain better communication habits, to bring things up and not just bury them down.
Catherine:
Yeah. I think for me, it was just coming to the realization that I have flaws too. And working through the why that's something we've struggled with the past several months is I, like you said just the logic behind it. I don't understand. So it's been good to understand some of his background and why it's brought him to where he's at today and the mistakes he made. And again, it doesn't justify them, but it helps you just process why we're here.
And then also just, we talked about ways to help him let down his walls to let go of the emotional void that he has, that he's grown up with his whole life. And we both have in certain circumstances, but it is like, he's the one who did the wrong. And I just was like, "Gosh, just let the wall down. Talk to me, tell me the things that I want to hear," But it comes from me also being someone that he feels like he can be open with and vulnerable with to have those discussions with.
The other thing for me this weekend was just, I felt very alone in this journey. It's very isolating. And I know it is for both people, but he's had support groups that he can go to help through his addictions and things like that. And I felt like I never had that and so to be around people who were on the injured side of it was really good to just feel like you're not the only one that's going through this too.
Brad:
That's very true. That's very true. Yeah, there's a lot of resources for support groups. If you have addiction issues or things like that, but not if you've been impacted by those addictions. That's very true. What would you guys say things were coming in and where they at now?
Joe:
So for us, it was, D-Day was about a year ago now, 10 months, so not as fresh. However, it was one of those situations where we'd have a good week and then every about once a week, once every couple weeks we'd get into an unhealthy argument. I mean, we talk about healthy arguments versus unhealthy arguments. We were getting caught on the negative cycle. This is especially true before we started the program, aside from the workshop to where we wanted to continue to try to communicate. And I think we were trying to do that, but we just didn't have the tools to do it effectively.
And especially before we started the workshop, I didn't know what needed in order to feel loved and to feel that I was there for her and vice versa, because we never really talked about that stuff before any of this happened. So it was a shock to the system, for sure. But now the conversations we've had even today where we've opened up and told each other how much we appreciate each other, there's been even situations today at the last day of the workshop where old memories were brought up that were kind of forgotten by either one that were actually really special and rang true to just a reminder of why we fell in love and why we're continuing to fight for each other and fight for the relationship.
Catherine:
Yeah, for sure. I think on my side of it, I'm leaving here with a more stable mindset. Having these tools and resources we're going to be okay and we're going to work through this. And I think a big piece of it for me is going through the trauma therapy. It's something that I've put off. I was that person that thought like, "Oh, after six to nine months, I'll be fine. It'll all be kosher," but we're about 10 months out now and it's very relevant. I have a lot of stuff to work through on my own and to also be a better partner for our marriage and for our relationship in general. So I don't know. I'm just leaving here with a thankful mindset, I guess, of everything that we get to take home with us to continue to work towards.
Brad:
That's great. Yeah.
Joe:
And the other thing I'd say too, is extremely grateful for the couples that shared their stories aside from the people, the other couples in the workshop. I mean, hearing was powerful.
Catherine:
Yeah. Very.
Brad:
Yeah. Yeah. I love what you guys are saying and everything's going to be okay. That's an important statement and I really appreciate you guys sharing your story and your experience here at the workshop. So I really appreciate that. Thank you.
Joe:
Thank you so much, Brad.
Catherine:
Thank you.
Joe:
Yeah, we appreciate you.
