You can be in love and still feel lost. You can spend years building a life with someone and still wonder how it all came apart. When betrayal hits a relationship—whether through infidelity, emotional disconnection, or broken trust—it doesn't just hurt. It confuses. What happened to the love we had? Was it real? Did it change—or was it never enough to begin with?
The truth is, not all love is the same. What we call "love" can take many forms—some thrilling, some steady, some selfless. And if you're trying to rebuild a relationship after it’s been shaken or shattered, understanding what kind of love brought you together—and what kind can help you heal—is essential.
That’s where the ancient Greeks can help. They had seven words for love. Seven different kinds of connection, each with its own strengths, limits, and role in a relationship.
Let’s begin with the kind of love that most relationships start with—the passionate, magnetic pull that feels like fate: eros.
Eros – Romantic, Passionate Love
"I want you. I can't stop thinking about you."
Eros is the kind of love most people associate with romance—intense, passionate, and physical. It’s marked by a powerful attraction and desire, often experienced as overwhelming chemistry or an emotional high. When two people fall head over heels, swept up in each other’s energy, they’re in the grip of eros.
This kind of love can be exciting and deeply bonding, especially in the early stages of a relationship. It draws people together and creates a magnetic connection that feels irresistible.
But because it’s driven by emotional intensity and physical longing, eros can be unstable. Without deeper forms of love—like friendship, trust, or commitment—it tends to fade once the thrill wears off or real-life challenges arise.
In the context of infidelity, eros is often confused with true love. A spouse caught in an affair may feel consumed by thoughts of the affair partner, believing they've found their soulmate.
But in many cases, this is not lasting love—it’s limerence fueled by secrecy and novelty. Eros alone cannot sustain a long-term relationship.
When John and May first met, they couldn’t keep their eyes—or hands—off each other. Every text, glance, and touch sent sparks flying. They’d stay up late talking and holding each other, completely enchanted.
When they were apart, they thought constantly about being together again. The attraction was intense and immediate—it felt like falling into something magnetic and unavoidable.
They didn’t know each other deeply yet, but it didn’t matter. Their connection felt meant to be. Everything else faded into the background: friends, sleep, even work responsibilities. They lived for that rush, that excitement, that hunger for one another.
That’s eros—passionate, physical, emotionally charged love that consumes and captivates.
Eros love is often seen in people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, where there’s a strong pull toward novelty, fantasy, or emotional intensity. For someone who feels emotionally neglected or uncertain in relationships, eros can feel like a powerful form of validation—proof that they are desirable, worthy, or special.
However, this craving for romantic excitement may actually mask deeper fears of vulnerability or abandonment. When driven by attachment insecurity, eros can become more about escaping pain than building genuine connection.
Summary:
What it is: Physical desire and sexual attraction.
Feels like: Fireworks, obsession, craving.
Pros: Exciting, bonding in early romance.
Cons: Can be short-lived or unstable.
In betrayal: Often mistaken for “true love” during affairs, especially in limerence.
2. Philia – Deep Friendship and Loyalty
"You know me, and I can be myself around you."
Philia is the kind of love rooted in deep friendship, emotional closeness, and mutual respect. It’s the trust you feel when someone truly knows you—your quirks, your values, your story—and accepts you as you are.
Philia doesn’t need fireworks to feel meaningful; it thrives in comfort, laughter, and being fully known without fear of judgment.
This type of love is foundational for long-term relationships. While passion (eros) may fade or fluctuate, philia creates a sense of steady connection. It shows up in shared conversations over coffee, inside jokes, and the calm of simply enjoying each other’s presence.
Couples who nurture philia build bonds that last through life’s ups and downs—not because things are always exciting, but because they feel safe and supported.
Philia is especially vital in the healing process after betrayal. When trust is broken, it’s not just romance that needs repair—it’s the friendship underneath.
Rebuilding philia means learning to feel emotionally safe again, to be open without fear, and to enjoy one another as companions, not just partners. In many ways, restoring this type of love is the key to moving forward.
After twenty years of marriage, Luke and Mary knew each other better than anyone else. They had weathered career changes, parenting struggles, and even a painful season of emotional distance.
But through it all, they never lost their friendship. Every morning, they had coffee together on the porch—even if it was just for ten minutes before the chaos of the day began. They talked about everything from the news to their dreams, and they laughed easily in each other’s company.
When Mary went through a health scare, Luke became her steady support. He didn’t try to “fix” her fear—he just sat with her, listened, and held her hand. And when Luke wrestled with self-doubt after losing his job,
Mary reminded him of his strengths, gently encouraging him until he found his footing again. Their love wasn’t flashy, but it was rich with trust, kindness, and emotional safety.
This was philia in action—the deep, loyal friendship at the heart of their marriage. It wasn’t about passion or performance. It was about being seen, heard, and accepted, day after day. That steady closeness made their relationship not just durable, but deeply fulfilling.
Philia love is central to secure attachment, representing the deep bond that forms when two people feel truly known, accepted, and emotionally safe with each other. Built through consistent care, trust, and emotional availability, philia creates a solid foundation for lasting connection.
It reflects what John Bowlby called a "safe base"—a relationship that offers comfort, mutual respect, and the freedom to be fully oneself. This type of love fosters genuine friendship and emotional intimacy, which are essential for both healing and long-term relationship satisfaction.
Summary:
What it is: Emotional closeness, shared values, mutual respect.
Feels like: Trust, ease, joy in each other’s presence.
Pros: Builds long-term connection.
Cons: May be overlooked if people chase only romantic highs.
In healing: Vital to rebuilding connection and trust post-betrayal.
3. Storge – Unconditional, Familiar Love
"No matter what, I’m here."
Storge is the kind of love that feels like home. It’s the natural affection that develops over time between people who share life together—often seen between parents and children, or longtime partners who’ve grown into each other’s lives.
It’s a quiet, dependable love marked by comfort, familiarity, and the sense that you belong with this person, no matter what. Storge doesn’t need grand gestures; it’s present in the everyday moments of care and presence.
In marriage, storge love is often what remains when the excitement of new romance gives way to the rhythm of real life. It’s built through shared routines, mutual support, and enduring commitment through challenges—raising kids, facing health issues, or simply growing older together.
Couples who lean into storge love feel emotionally safe and cared for, even in silence. It becomes the strong emotional foundation beneath other types of love.
However, because storge is so stable and familiar, it can sometimes be overlooked or taken for granted. The danger isn’t in losing it—but in forgetting to appreciate it.
Couples who nurture storge love—by expressing gratitude, showing affection, and staying emotionally available—often find that it becomes their most reliable source of connection. It’s not flashy, but it’s fiercely loyal: “No matter what, I’m here.”
After nearly 30 years together, Leia and David didn’t need constant excitement to feel close. Their days were simple—grocery runs, walking the dog, cooking dinner side by side—but their bond ran deep. They knew each other’s habits, moods, and rhythms like the back of their hands.
When Leia had a rough day, David could tell by the way she sighed. When David was quiet, Leia instinctively reached for his hand. It wasn’t dramatic—it was natural. Comforting. Familiar.
When David had back surgery, Leia became his steady caretaker, managing appointments, helping him dress, and making sure he felt supported. And when Leia lost her mother, David held her through the grief without trying to fix it.
Their love wasn’t about passion or grand gestures—it was about showing up through every season, without question. Even in silence, their presence spoke volumes.
This is storge love: the kind that grows from years of doing life together. It says, “I know you. I’m not going anywhere.” It may not always look romantic, but it’s deeply rooted in loyalty, comfort, and quiet care—the kind of love that carries couples through a lifetime.
Storge love is strongly connected to early attachment experiences, often shaped in childhood through consistent nurturing and care. In adult relationships, it reflects a sense of deep emotional security and familiarity—built not on intensity, but on long-term presence and trust.
Storge provides comfort, loyalty, and a quiet kind of bonding that grows through years of shared life. It offers the emotional stability that allows couples to feel safe, supported, and deeply connected, especially during life’s most challenging seasons.
Summary:
What it is: Natural affection, often between parents and children or longtime partners.
Feels like: Comfort, protection, unconditional care.
Pros: Strong foundation of emotional security.
Cons: Can become routine or taken for granted.
In marriage: It’s what grows when couples weather life’s storms together.
4. Ludus – Playful, Flirtatious Love
"You're fun and exciting!"
Ludus is the playful, flirtatious side of love—the kind that brings lightness, laughter, and a sense of adventure. It often shows up in teasing, witty banter, or those butterfly moments of early attraction.
Ludus is less about commitment and more about fun. It’s the spark you feel when someone catches your eye or makes you laugh in a way that feels electric. This kind of love thrives on novelty and spontaneity.
In relationships, ludus can add energy and joy. Couples who continue to flirt with each other, share inside jokes, or surprise each other with little acts of fun tend to keep their connection vibrant.
This kind of affection helps partners remember what drew them together in the first place. It keeps things from getting too serious or routine and reminds couples that love can still be playful—even decades in.
However, when ludus isn’t grounded in deeper forms of love—like philia (friendship) or pragma (commitment)—it can become superficial or even risky. Left unchecked, it can lead to emotional affairs or a pattern of avoiding intimacy in favor of constant thrill-seeking.
In healthy marriages, a touch of ludus can keep romance alive, but it’s most powerful when it complements a foundation of trust, respect, and shared life.
Carlos and Naomi had been married for over a decade, but they still made each other laugh like they were dating. On Saturday mornings, they'd race to see who could make the best pancakes, complete with playful trash talk and flour fights.
Naomi would slip silly notes into Carlos’s lunchbox, and Carlos would flirt with her at the grocery store like they were strangers meeting for the first time. Their connection had a spark that hadn’t faded—it had simply evolved into something fun and familiar.
Even during busy seasons of life, they made time for spontaneous moments—dancing in the kitchen, sending flirty texts, or planning surprise dates. They didn’t take themselves too seriously, and that kept their relationship lighthearted even when parenting or work stress threatened to wear them down. Their sense of humor and affection acted like glue during tough times.
This was ludus in action—playful love that brought joy and energy to their relationship. It didn’t replace the deeper love they’d built, but it kept their bond feeling alive and exciting. For Carlos and Naomi, laughter and lightness were essential.
Ludus love is commonly associated with avoidant attachment, where individuals desire connection but fear the vulnerability that comes with deep emotional intimacy. By keeping relationships light, flirtatious, and surface-level, they protect themselves from the risks of being truly seen or hurt.
While playful and exciting on the outside, ludus can become a form of emotional avoidance—using charm and fun to stay safely distant. Without deeper connection, this pattern may prevent the formation of lasting, meaningful bonds.
Summary:
What it is: Lighthearted, teasing affection, fun without commitment.
Feels like: Flirting, butterflies, seduction.
Pros: Adds joy and spice.
Cons: Can be shallow or lead to emotional affairs if not grounded in deeper love.
In couples: A healthy dose keeps romance alive—but it can’t be the whole recipe.
5. Mania – Obsessive, Possessive Love
"I can’t live without you, and I don’t trust you."
Mania is a type of love fueled by emotional extremes—obsession, jealousy, and dependency. It often feels overwhelming, like a rollercoaster of highs and lows. One moment brings intense passion, the next, panic or fear of losing the other person.
This love is deeply tied to insecurity and a constant need for reassurance, which can become emotionally exhausting for both people involved.
While it may feel powerful or passionate at first, mania is rarely healthy or sustainable. It can lead to controlling behaviors, emotional outbursts, or codependency—where one person’s sense of self becomes entirely wrapped up in the relationship. Instead of fostering connection, it often creates fear and mistrust.
The love becomes less about being with someone and more about not being without them, which can lead to emotional chaos.
In the context of betrayal, mania often appears when someone becomes emotionally entangled with an affair partner or is unable to let go of the emotional high the affair created. Even when they know it’s harmful or destructive, the fear of loss can override reason.
This form of love feels desperate and unstable, rooted more in anxiety than in genuine connection. It says, "I can’t live without you, and I don’t trust you.”
Alyssa and Ben had a relationship that looked passionate on the outside—but underneath, it was filled with tension and insecurity. Alyssa constantly worried that Ben would leave her. If he didn’t respond to a text right away, she panicked. When he went out with friends, she grilled him with questions and checked his location.
At times, she’d be overly affectionate and clingy—then suddenly lash out if she felt ignored. Their arguments often ended in dramatic declarations like, “I can’t live without you,” followed by suspicion and withdrawal.
Ben, in turn, felt trapped—pulled between guilt and exhaustion. He loved Alyssa, but her emotional intensity wore him down. He tried to reassure her, but nothing seemed to be enough. When things were good, they felt euphoric.
But the constant emotional swings left both of them drained and uncertain. Their relationship became less about joy and more about managing anxiety and fear of abandonment.
This was mania—a love dominated by emotional dependency, jealousy, and volatility. It wasn’t about steady connection; it was about clinging to control out of fear. Without healing and self-awareness, mania love can pull couples into toxic patterns that feel impossible to break, especially in relationships touched by betrayal or unresolved trauma.
Mania love is a classic expression of anxious attachment, and fearful avoidant attachment styles marked by intense emotional reactivity, a deep fear of abandonment, and overwhelming dependency on the other person for validation.
This kind of love often leads to unstable relationships, swinging between emotional highs and painful lows. The need for constant reassurance and fear of losing the relationship can drive controlling or desperate behaviors, creating a cycle of insecurity that makes true emotional safety difficult to maintain.
Summary:
What it is: Love mixed with anxiety, jealousy, and dependency.
Feels like: Emotional highs and lows, insecurity.
Pros: Rarely positive—it signals imbalance.
Cons: Leads to controlling behavior, codependency, or emotional chaos.
In betrayal: Shows up when someone can’t let go of an affair or becomes addicted to emotional drama.
"I can’t live without you, and I don’t trust you."
6. Pragma – Enduring, Committed Love
"I choose you—today and every day."
Pragma is the kind of love that stands the test of time. It’s mature, steady, and rooted in long-term commitment and shared goals. Unlike the rush of early romance, pragma is about the daily choice to stay, to support, and to grow together.
It’s built on trust, mutual respect, and the understanding that love is not just a feeling—but a decision. This love brings emotional safety, loyalty, and the quiet strength of two people who’ve weathered life’s storms side by side.
Pragma isn’t flashy, but it’s incredibly powerful. It creates the strongest foundation for lasting marriage because it’s not dependent on constant passion or perfect harmony. Instead, it’s built through time, sacrifice, and showing up—especially when it’s hard.
But it doesn’t happen by accident. Pragma requires intentional care, ongoing communication, and forgiveness. It’s about continuing to choose each other, even after conflict, disappointment, or change.
In the healing process after betrayal, many couples shift toward pragma as they rebuild. The illusions of perfection fall away, and what’s left is a more honest, grounded connection. They begin to create a relationship that’s not just about how they feel, but about how they show up—with humility, consistency, and courage. Pragma says, “I choose you—today and every day.” It’s not the easiest love, but it’s the one that lasts.
Daniel and Renee had been married for 22 years. Their relationship had seen seasons of joy and deep hardship—raising children, losing a parent, navigating job loss, and even recovering from emotional betrayal.
Yet through it all, they continued to choose each other. When their marriage felt distant or strained, they didn’t run from it. Instead, they sought counseling, had hard conversations, and learned to meet each other’s needs in new ways.
Their love wasn’t driven by romantic highs, but by quiet, consistent acts of devotion. Renee made Daniel coffee every morning, just the way he liked it. Daniel always checked in with Renee after her long shifts, asking how she was really doing.
They planned their retirement goals together and still carved out time for date nights—not because they always felt romantic, but because they valued the life they were building.
This was pragma in action—love that had been tested, stretched, and refined by time. It wasn’t perfect, but it was faithful. Daniel and Renee’s commitment wasn’t rooted in fleeting feelings but in a shared vision, mutual respect, and the daily decision to stay connected. Their love whispered, “I still choose you.”
Pragma love is most closely associated with earned secure attachment, especially in couples who have worked through pain or betrayal and chosen to stay committed. Unlike love driven purely by emotion, pragma reflects emotional maturity and intentional choice—it’s about showing up, even when it's hard.
This type of love is grounded in shared values, long-term vision, and the resilience to face life’s challenges together. It brings stability and a deep sense of partnership, making it one of the strongest foundations for a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Summary:
What it is: Mature love rooted in long-term partnership, shared goals, and choice.
Feels like: Loyalty, stability, emotional safety.
Pros: Best foundation for lasting marriage.
Cons: Requires effort, forgiveness, and intentional investment.
In healing: Couples rebuilding after betrayal often shift toward pragma.
7. Agape – Selfless, Unconditional Love
"I love you even when it’s hard."
Agape is the most selfless and unconditional form of love. It’s the kind of love that gives freely, without demanding anything in return. Agape is rooted in compassion, empathy, and the desire for another’s well-being, even when it’s inconvenient or painful. It goes beyond feelings or attraction—it’s a deep commitment to love someone through their flaws, their failures, and their hardest moments.
This type of love inspires healing and connection, especially in relationships that have faced deep wounds, betrayal or infidelity. When one partner chooses to extend grace instead of holding onto resentment, or listens with empathy instead of defensiveness, that’s agape in action.
It doesn’t mean ignoring boundaries or forgetting pain, but it does mean choosing compassion, even when love feels costly. Agape brings emotional generosity into places that once felt broken.
However, agape love must be mutual to remain healthy. When one person gives endlessly without receiving care or respect in return, this kind of love can lead to burnout or imbalance.
In couples recovering from infidelity, agape offers a path toward restoration—not through perfection, but through forgiveness, humility, and a shared willingness to start again. It says, “I love you even when it’s hard,” and that’s often the kind of love that makes lasting transformation possible.
Monica and James had been married for 15 years when James admitted to infidelity that shattered Monica’s trust. The pain was overwhelming, and for a while, Monica didn’t know if their marriage could survive. But after months of counseling and honest, often painful conversations, she saw something in James that gave her pause—true remorse and a willingness to change. He wasn’t asking her to forget, but he was doing the work to become trustworthy again.
Monica chose to stay—not out of obligation, but out of a deeper kind of love. She began to show compassion, not because it was easy, but because she believed in James’s growth and their shared future.
She set boundaries, voiced her pain, and made sure her healing was part of the process—but through it all, she extended grace. She forgave, little by little, not to erase the past, but to make space for a new beginning.
This was agape love—unconditional, generous, and deeply rooted in empathy. Monica didn’t ignore her pain or excuse the infidelity, but she chose love that went beyond fairness or emotion.
Her love said, “I see your brokenness, and I still offer care.” In time, their marriage became stronger—not perfect, but more honest and resilient than it had ever been.
Agape love reflects secure attachment at its highest form, characterized by empathy, forgiveness, and selfless care that doesn’t compromise personal identity. It’s the kind of love that gives generously—not out of fear or obligation, but from a deep well of compassion and emotional strength.
Agape allows partners to love even when it’s difficult, offering grace in moments of struggle. However, if not mutual or bounded, this love can be misused—especially in unhealthy dynamics where one partner gives endlessly while the other takes without reciprocation. True agape balances selflessness with healthy limits.
Summary:
What it is: Altruistic, spiritual love—giving without expecting return.
Feels like: Grace, compassion, emotional generosity.
Pros: Inspires healing, forgiveness, and empathy.
Cons: Can be abused if not mutual.
In recovery: Offers hope when couples choose to forgive and rebuild with empathy.
You want passion? You want purpose? You want to stop living like roommates and start loving like partners again? Then it’s time to do something different. Most couples think they’ve fallen out of love—but the truth is, they’ve just fallen into the wrong kind of love.
The ancient Greeks didn’t settle for one word—they had seven. Because they understood: love is not one-size-fits-all. If you’re rebuilding after betrayal, you need more than good intentions—you need a blueprint. Our couples workshop will help you. You’ll leave with clarity, tools, and emotional power—not just to repair your relationship, but to elevate it. Don’t just survive—reignite. Rediscover the real love you were meant for. Let’s do this—together. Go here to learn more.
