It’s the number one question I hear most often repeated from the betrayed person. Sometimes the wayward partner even asks, “Why did I cheat?”
I have a very distinct memory of the first time I saw a couple in this situation because it really stands out in my mind. When they came to me the husband had been betrayed and was ready to file divorce papers. He was animated and upset, he had no peace. He wasn’t sleeping, not really eating, and had lost all joy in life.
To make matters worse they had been dealing with this situation for about 2 years. That’s way too long.
By the end of our time together he was 180 degrees different largely because he had figured out the “Why.” He understood why everything had transpired. As a result he wasn’t living in the dark with regards to his partner or the affair.
He found true joy and peace he hadn’t felt in the 2 years prior. He was different, he was in a great mood. He wasn’t depressed for the first time since he found out about her affair. He was fun to talk with because you could experience his outgoing and charismatic side.
Before he found his “why” he was defeated and dead inside. After he was truly free and truly alive again. It was kind of like seeing someone rise from the dead. Afresh with new purpose and meaning.
Viktor Frankl famously said “Those who have a “why” to live, can bear with almost any “how.”
The contrast was so great it’s seared into my memory. What knowing the “why” can do for you. Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.
The harsh reality is that if someone doesn’t know why their mate cheated, they can’t move forward, they can’t heal, and they can’t put the affair behind them.
Finding out “Why” is a tall order. So much pressure is put on that one single question, and so much hinges on it. Without knowing “why” the betrayed person really, really struggles with knowing what the future holds.
Staying in the relationship is often quite scary. If you don’t know why it happened the first time how do you know it won’t happen again?
It’s simply fundamental to healing. I’ve seen couples who’ve come to me for help, stuck in their negative cycle, because they couldn’t understand “why” the affair occurred.
Maybe that’s happened to you, maybe you’re stuck in the negative cycle, because of it.
If so, we have a solution. Check it out here.
