Transcript:
Brad:
You know that's the pattern is we've been really stuck and then we have like a, we see a little-
Morgan:
Ray of hope.
Brad:
Ray of hope in the sky and then the dark clouds come again and it's just like, we're never going to make it.
Morgan:
We call it in therapy speak re-escalation. Reverting back to old patterns, so three tips for re-escalation. The first thing I want to do is start with a definition of this re-escalation and talk a little bit more about that. What to do when you think you're doing well and then all of sudden it gets bad again. Re-escalation is when you've make progress and then all of a sudden you revert back to old patterns and habits. This can be so discouraging because you either went to marriage counseling a got a lot of help, you got a lot out of it and felt like you were completely healed and you're like yes, this is great and you came away thinking, wow, we've gotten through this and then something happens and you've fallen backwards.
Morgan:
Or sometimes it's not an event or anything that happened necessarily but you fell back into these old patterns, you've slid back into the issues that where present before the affair even and you're really concerned that you're heading for trouble again. Can you give us your definition of re-escalation, Brad?
Brad:
Okay, yeah, I'll give mine, Morgan I want you to give yours too, I like yours a lot.
Morgan:
Thank you.
Brad:
I would say re-escalation is when you're making progress in the relationship either through therapy or working on your marriage on your own and you hit a road block and the bottom falls out. When the bottom falls out you feel like here we go again, we're never going to get out of this negative cycle and this is a key part of re-escalation, you feel utterly hopeless, we've done this and now we feel utterly hopeless. You think to yourself, we're hopeless, we're going to stay here, we suck, we're not good together, in reality re-escalation is actually a pretty normal and natural phenomenon.
Morgan:
Absolutely.
Brad:
When working through trust issues or even just relationship issues.
Morgan:
Absolutely yeah.
Brad:
That hopelessness is a key part of it.
Morgan:
Definitely.
Brad:
I'll let you get to yours, I just wanted to say that hopelessness is key part of it because when you feel hopelessness you don't feel like trying again. You're like everything we've already did, I've already gone to the gym and lost weight and then I found myself putting it back on, gained 30 pounds again, you just get stuck in this cycle of helplessness and hopelessness. That can be really self defeating, really dangerous.
Morgan:
Yeah, it's really scary, too, because people, they put all of their trust in therapy or a book or whatever their trying to do to rebuild their relationship and they think oh my gosh, it didn't work, it can be really defeating. Then we have this kind of another group of people, they don't go to marriage counseling they feel like they were able to move and let time heal the wounds and then the problems escalate. I just want to make a distinction here, there's a difference between escalation and re-escalation. You think wait, we should be over this but it's not quite what we mean by re-escalation becauase they never de-escalated to begin with, they just sort of buried the problems so the problems went from bad to worse, they escalated but they didn't really do what they needed to to actually heal the relationship.
Morgan:
That leads us to the three points that we have, the tips that we want to give to you today. We're really talking about those couples who did work on the marriage and did make it out of the negative cycle, they did de-escalate from arguing or avoiding and they're reflaring those issues, it's sort of flaring back up.
Brad:
And Morgan, that reflaring back up could even be a short period of de-escalation, it doesn't have to mean we were good for months. It often means we were good, we were in a really, really terrible spot for a long time and then we started to feel like we were gaining some momentum and then there was a trigger again about the affair or we got into another argument again and the bottom fell out. It's often like usually, it's just, that's the pattern, we've been really stuck and then we see little ray of hope in the sky and then the dark clouds come again. It's just like oh man, we're never going to make it, we're never going to get off of this boat, we're never going to make it to the homeland.
Morgan:
What I've heard a lot of people say too, they went to the therapy session, they went to the counseling session and they saw this ray of hope in however long the session was, two hour, three hour session and then they leave and they immediately fall into their patterns and they get really discouraged and really it's just the process. You've got to go through the process, so it could be immediately after a counseling session and that can be ver discouraging. It could be that you finished or you quit therapy and then a couple weeks later you re-escalation and you're like, what the heck? This is a normal pattern and there's a few things we're going to talk about that will help you to avoid bottoming out, to help you avoid true re-escalation.
Brad:
Morgan, before we get to those tips I want to explain.
Morgan:
Yeah, why does it happen.
Brad:
Why does it happen but also just some examples that I've seen.
Morgan:
Thank you.
Brad:
So re-escalation tends to happen when we least expect it, we're feeling better, feeling like we're getting our mojo, we're getting some momentum, it happens when we're making progress or at the very least when we feel like the storm has been calmed to a degree. The feeling is like, we just had a close call. Some examples of that that I've seen and I've got about six of them is ... One of them is the affair has ended and there's an immediate sense of closeness between a couple but then the questions start and the obsessiveness starts about the affair. It's just over, you're feeling closer, they've revealed something, the affair's over, they're no longer avoiding, they're no longer disengaged from the marriage and there's that immediate sense of relief and closeness that happens.
Brad:
Then it's like, wait a second, you've been cheating on me this whole time? I've got a lot of questions about this, is our whole marriage a lie? The mind worm starts, the obsessiveness starts. Here another is, we're in marriage counseling together but we're not actually getting the length of time that we need, we need longer sessions. Maybe we're only doing an hour a week and ... I remember when we did premarital counseling, it was 45 minute sessions and it took about 40 minutes just to feel comfortable.
Morgan:
And then it was over, it's crazy.
Brad:
It was over as soon I felt comfortable with the guy it was over, so maybe doing an hour a week, this is also extremely common though is when you're skipping, if you're working with a therapist and you're skipping sessions, you're skipping weeks. This is an area where I really discovered re-escalation is I would have couples be with me an hour at a time-
Morgan:
Back in the day when we did hour sessions.
Brad:
Yeah, back in the day, but what happened was something would come up and it was so easy to re-escalate without that hour a week and it was also really easy to re-escalate just having-
Morgan:
Because they would skip weeks?
Brad:
Yeah, they would skip weeks and then it's hard to build when you're coming through trust issues-
Morgan:
The momentum is dragging, you know one thing I heard a lot of people say, they would say something oh, we're just not in a good place to come to therapy. I'm thinking, no, no, that's when you really need to come to therapy. It's like they wanted to get their crap together before they actually made it your session. I think I heard Oprah say, "Is it just me or do you clean the house before the maid comes?" It's like no, man, when you are in a bad place you definitely need to come to therapy because the therapist needs to help you out of the bad place. When you have 45 to an hour in a session that's insane you have two people, plus the therapist, everybody needs to say their part and you're going to give yourself like 10 minutes to do that.
Brad:
That's honestly why we have retreats, it's like going to confession to a priest but let me clean up my act before I go confess my sins, right? Of course you need to clean up your act but it's let me go tell him all the good things I've been doing, it doesn't work that way. Anyway, usually when a couple misses at least one session, an hour a week, they're destined to re-escalate.
Morgan:
There's definitely going to be some explosions.
Brad:
It just happens because you're not through the process yet and you haven't completed the bonding events that make you feel safe and secure, that calm you that trauma response, that amygdala in the brain. The other is, the third thing that I've seen that causes re-escalation is thinking we've gotten the full truth but then discovering another big detail about the affair on our own or because they confessed it to us. That often feels like starting over.
Morgan:
Absolutely, it's retraumitizing.
Brad:
You think you've got the story and then you find out oh, you did sleep with them?
Morgan:
Oh, oh you did, but you said you didn't 50 other times, well what am I supposed to believe now?
Brad:
It's like that didn't make any ... Did you have a baby with him, am I going to find that out next? Have you been paying child support I didn't know about?
Morgan:
Oh my gosh, what about, so their car was red, you said it was blue. The details are terrible, what is this.
Brad:
People get stuck in that, the other part of that Morgan is, you think you've got the full truth. I've seen re-escalation where there's a crazy affair partner who contacts somebody through social media. Couples doing fine, they've worked through a lot of the issues and they're on a good path but then the affair partner just contacts them out of the blue. That's going to re-escalate, sends them information that may or may not be true, just contact from the affair partner just screwing around with somebody's head, I've seen that happen and it's really devastating.
Morgan:
That's where social media becomes a real big pain in the butt.
Brad:
And that, Morgan, that kind of situation when you've got that level of, you can complete the bonding events, you can complete the healing process with a therapist but when somebody does that, is that evil, does something that ridiculous just to mess with somebody, that's going to be a cause of re-escalation. Where they're going to need to go back through the therapy because it just stirs up so much stuff again and they're going to need to work with a trauma therapist to work through that.
Brad:
The fourth thing that I've seen that causes re-escalation is when the injured partner has been cheated on severely, multiple times and they have PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. It's not just the symptoms of it, they have full blown PTSD, they're seeing a trauma therapist, they're making progress using EMDR, they're finding relief, but because all the trauma hasn't been dealt with yet they find themselves easily triggered still. Because they haven't been able to trust their spouse 100%, they get triggered easily. Part of when they're working through trauma, EMDR, they're feeling like they're making progress, wounds are being healed, what happens when, I'm not a trauma expert but my understanding of what has been explained to me by a trauma therapist, is that when somebody works through a traumatic event, unless part of an affair that's traumatic, what's going to pop is a piece of that affair that's less traumatic.
Brad:
A trauma therapist will work with a part, the most hurtful part first, bring quick relief. Then later you've got the smaller issues that are there.
Morgan:
I've heard it explained as sediment at the bottom of a pond or the ocean. You go in and you dig out the big rock of the core of the issue but as you're doing that you're pulling up sand and silt and it's clouding your eyes and those sort of things. You'll pull up the big chunk but all the stuff underneath it and around it gets ruffled as well, rustled and then you have to deal with those things too, those little meteors that come up with the big meteor and it just. Those things get pulled to the surface as well so you have to deal with those.
Brad:
Yeah. There's smaller things that are deeply hurtful that aren't maybe as hurtful as the major thing but they pull up, they come up kind of like that song you can't get out of your head, like an ear worm. When we obsess about the affair is like, these ear worms that we just questions we can't get over. Where that can cause re-escalation is, is man I'm feeling great and we feel good for a few days but then the next part of the trauma comes up that has to be dealt with. That's our mind, when these things pop up like this, that's our mind saying, hey, we haven't fully dealt with this yet, this is the next piece we've got to deal with.
Morgan:
It's a natural physiological response to trauma and it just, it happens and it's not anything wrong with you or your not flawed, that's just the natural response to these things.
Brad:
Yeah, here's the fifth thing that I've seen cause re-escalation. Working with the affair partner, still having a working relationship with them. Morgan that honestly may for a lot folks, for a lot of people, that makes it hard to de-escalate just because you're in a constant state of anxiety as the one who's been betrayed. You still have to work near them-
Morgan:
You still have to see them every day.
Brad:
You still have to like occasionally email them or work on the same team together. That can be a cause of, to not de-escalate, but that can also be a cause of re-escalation.
Morgan:
Certainly.
Brad:
It definitely makes progress a lot harder when that person's still around. Then the sixth of course is contacting or resuming the affair again, that's going to cause more than anything else on here re-escalation. Back in old patterns and all hell breaking loose. Part of getting out of re-escalation is avoiding these things.
Morgan:
Certainly.
Brad:
Then there's other stuff, but Morgan I want you to share your tips.
Morgan:
Yeah, yeah. So we have three tips that I really just pulled together that I thought would be really helpful for you guys as you are avoiding re-escalation or working through re-escalation, things to remember. Tip number one basically, don't drop out early, finish the process, trust the experts. If you've started with us or done a retreat with us you've gotten great help, don't drop out early, finish the process. It's extremely important, there's actual science to this, there's research that validates the length of time that we do, the amount that we do, what we do, everything we do and the order that we do it. There's science and research and statistics that back our approach. When we say you need 20 hours, or you need this or you need to do that, do it and don't quit.
Morgan:
Sometimes the issue is that you didn't get the right help. Sometimes it's just a normal mark of progress like we've talked about. A lot of couples when they come to counseling they experience huge breakthroughs early on because they're identifying the negative cycle, they're breaking out of that negative cycle. They're beginning to connect in ways they never imagined possible and sometimes people think they're done with counseling so they drop out early. Why spend anymore money, I hear people say, we don't need to, we seem fine, I feel good, do you feel good? And then they go home and the problems they re-escalate do don't drop out early. Even if you feel great, even if you feel terrible, don't let your feelings be the indicator of whether you stay in therapy or you just finish what the expert says. Those feelings can be fleeting and you're going to be on a roller coaster anyways.
Morgan:
Just stick with the program and finish. Of course you have to make sure that you're getting the right help and it is the right program because you could be spinning your wheels on something that just doesn't work. You'll experience great highs in therapy where you're experiencing a partner or new deep emotional level that's amazing. You'll also have some lows as you're going through the process and developing new skills and habits like listening and making room for each other's emotions and all of the wonderful things that come with learning new skills. Another major reason re-escalate extends from the previous point is that you didn't complete the process, right?
Morgan:
You must reestablish the bond that we're going to talk about, we've talk about it in previous episodes. Reestablishing the bond through bonding events facilitated in the session. I have a pretty fun example or I'll just jump into it. Let's pretend you have a parachute and you're about to jump out of a plane however many thousands of miles up in the air, right? You shove that parachute into the backpack and secure the pack to your back but failed to fully secure the chute inside the holding area, right? The chute's just not in there, you didn't zip it up or whatever but you shoved it in there and you put in on your back. It's nice and secure, you jump out of the plane, what do you think is going to happen? You jump out of a plane and the chute just falls out like a big giant mess and it's too early and all of that.
Morgan:
It's a big huge issue, it's kind of like. When we're jumping out of therapy too soon without fully securing the bond between the couple, we're going to re-escalate, there's going to be some re-escalation. It's much worse, right dear?
Brad:
Mm-hmm (affirmative)
Morgan:
That leads me to tip number two, make sure the therapist knows how to help you with bonding events. Brad, we've talked lots about bonding events. Do you remember which episode that was?
Brad:
I think it might be episode 25.
Morgan:
Definitely go back and listen to that one because that's huge, the title is Brad's Favorite Topic.
Brad:
Yeah, favorite topic.
Morgan:
It's a really important topic so don't gloss over that one. Bonding events, it's huge, because people think oh we're not fighting anymore, great, we're out of our negative cycle, fantastic. We've done these things, we're feeling good, let's just you know, save us some money or whatever people think. Then they go back home and they re-escalate, these bonding events are huge. Tip number two, make sure the therapist knows how to help you with bonding events.
Brad:
Can I say something?
Morgan:
Yeah, please.
Brad:
I just had a couple this week that had finished therapy, what they did is they completed these bonding events and they were an extremely happy couple. The wife had a history of trauma and feeling been abused by every man in her life including close family members and she's married to her husband although she can't trust him at all. She's never been able to trust anybody really, man or woman, never been able to trust anybody really. These bonding events have really what in therapeutic terms it's revised her view of what's called self and other. So these bonding events have really helped her see his love and not doubt him, see his intentions and his effort. Bonding events for him have done the same things, it's helped him really be able to be his true self with her.
Brad:
The only person he's ever been able to be his self with is like a therapist in a therapy office. With her he's been able to be his true self. When you can trust somebody and you can be your true self and you know that they love you and like you that's going to create a revision of our view of self and others. You see yourself as lovable when you can be yourself and feel accepted and then you see yourself as lovable when your spouse trusts you for him, so he can be himself and show himself. For her, her view, her vision of self and other were, when you have that revision of self and other, it creates a benefit of the doubt. Instead of being suspicious, you can be trusting, for her what that did was, it really allowed her to not be hypervigilant and to not feel insecure of jealous of other people because she know she was loved and lovable.
Brad:
For both of these individuals it was really the first time in their life that they've ever been able to feel this with anybody, experience this with anybody. It was really amazing to create that for somebody so these bonding events are really where the change takes place and it's not just in the homework or communication techniques, it's in baring your soul to somebody and them seeing you and you asking for a need to be met and them liking you and accepting you. There is a change that occurs in the split second of time that creates what's called secure attachment with somebody. Anything short of that tends not to work. That's what we're talking about when people go to therapy and then they drop out, or they skip weeks, you're making harder to get to that point. To get to the point where you can bare your soul to somebody, you have to feel like they're going to empathetically, compassionately respond to you with acceptance.
Brad:
They're going to love that part of you unconditionally and to do that you've got to de-escalate first of all know that you're going to be in a safe place with them. Anyway, that's why these bonding events are so important.
Morgan:
Yes, absolutely, I really appreciate that, that explanation and so really being able to experience your partner at a deeper emotional level, it takes time and it takes consistency and it takes the right help and all of those things together, a beautiful example. Congratulations to that couple for sure whoever they are.
Brad:
I've never, this couple I've only seen couples that happy, genuinely happy and loving who have completed bonding events. A lot of people can put on a good face and fake it, but I've never seen any couple be that happy who hasn't completed a bonding event with each other. There's a sense of security, it's like how a child feels safe with their mother, that's what this is like, you feel that way with each other. You know they've got your back, you know that they are thinking about you and they care about you and that you're their top priority. That's what they had and it was really beautiful to see and get to be a part of that with all the couples that I see.
Morgan:
The image that comes to my mind, this might be terrible so forgive me if it's terrible, but the image that comes to my mind is you've been through this terrible car accident and you've got these deep like giant pieces of glass just lodged into your flesh. You go to the surgeon's like pulling out these little pieces of glass and you start to feel a little bit better because this glass is out of your skin and then he pulls out this giant piece of glass that's been a dagger in your eye or something, you're like oh my gosh, I'm so glad that weight is off of my body. But then it's like the bonding events are this, the antiseptic and the stitching and now the stitching is closing up and you're like wow, this is like, I'm a whole new person again, I'm whole again.
Morgan:
It's this great feeling that you get because all this heavy glass is off your body and out of your wounds and you're starting to feel good. Those bonding events, yeah it feels great through the process, especially if you have anesthesia, whatever, the pain meds, which is like getting out of the negative cycle and having those little mini events where you're connecting and sharing and your spouse is like wow, I love this person but I'm afraid this kind of back and forth. It still feels because you're like wow, this is much better than it was before, they never shared this with me before, never been this close before but then you ... So anyways, the bonding events is like when you're starting to really seal up that wound but you know what's underneath is solid and it's going to heal even more. It's actually going to get where it needs to go with time. Does that make sense, that example?
Brad:
You're removing the big chunks, you're removing the big chunks, not just the tiny ones.
Morgan:
Absolutely, so the third tip really is this last point we want to make it is that knowing that some re-escalation is going to happen. It helps to know that through the process before really securing things with those bonding events, you're going to have little re-escalation, you're going to have big re-escalation, it's just part of it.
Brad:
And Morgan the reason that re-escalation is probably going to happen is that you haven't really finished those bonding events, those bonding events create a feeling of safety and security with each other where we're able to give each other the true benefit of the doubt and truly trust each other. When we can do that, that's when we don't get stuck in the negative cycle. Anything short of that we're mostly likely going to get stuck in the negative cycle eventually and re-escalate eventually until those bonding events are completed because it's that feeling of not being safe that really creates the negative cycle to begin with. It's not just the criticism or avoid us or shut down or the criticism we experience, that's part of if but the real reason we get into these negative cycles and get stuck with them for each individuals they don't feel safe emotionally with each other, those bonding events are what create that.
Morgan:
That safety, absolutely. Really this last part every couple, great couples will have moments where they escalate and re-escalate, it's just what's going to happen. We're human, that's why but also like you're saying it's like your lifting the surface level which is the criticism the avoidance, you're lifting that up, you're working through that, you getting rid of that and then you're working towards that deeper thing. Knowing that it will happen helps to keep calm and not lose hope so when you get to that place you can see it, I can see this, I see what they told me was going to happen. We're going to have these arguments, we're going to have these things here and there.
Brad:
You're right Morgan, it's good to know about this so when it does happen you're not like-
Morgan:
Surprise.
Brad:
Yeah you're not like oh my gosh what happened here, we're terrible we don't belong together. I think that's important, what you're saying.
Morgan:
The tip, I'll just get to the tip, be prepared when you re-escalate, it happens to the best of couples. It happens to anybody who's going through this process so just be prepared. And how do you be prepared? You know that it's going to happen, you recognize the negative cycle, you recognize, oh we are just re-escalating, let's just step back, let's go to therapy, let's have empathy for ourselves, let's be kind to ourselves and keep your therapist on speed dial, the office. So re-escalation happens when you are diligently coming to therapy even, it's just a mark of something good sometimes. And Brad, we've seen a lot of avoiders where avoiders when they come to therapy sometimes they'll say things like "We're just fighting more, I didn't want us to fight." But it's not fighting-
Brad:
You're actually talking about the issues.
Morgan:
You're learning to reconnect, you're learning to communicate.
Brad:
You're actually talking about the issues instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Morgan:
Absolutely.
Brad:
And your spouse has a different opinion and they're voicing that.
Morgan:
Right and they never voiced it probably before.
Brad:
Well, you never dealt with it before.
Morgan:
Exactly.
Brad:
So Morgan, I wanted to talk about how to resolve re-escalation. Your tips are great, things I mentioned on what causes re-escalation, some examples can be a guide on how to avoid it. Usually the biggest sign of re-escalation is people just have this defeated attitude now, they just lose hope. Don't lose hope, just know it's normal and that it's a likely cause of not going to therapy like you need to be going or your working with therapy and you're getting stuck and you're not working with an expert who can help you through so that's kind of what we offer for retreats. A big part of this is it's a normal process that has its normal ups and downs and so and you're more likely to experience things like re-escalation when you're working through trust issues than just normal communication issues.
Brad:
There's more fire in the cycle. There's more triggers to trauma, there's more reminders and so it's more likely you're going to experience things like that. Don't lose hope.
Morgan:
Absolutely and ways to not lose hope are that third tip, just be prepared for it. You can be prepared for it by going to therapy, understanding your cycle, knowing what triggers are going to be there.
Brad:
Morgan, the single biggest cause of re-escalation out of all those examples I gave and the stuff that you're talking about is people not going to counseling consistently.
Morgan:
Right, consistently and for the length of time.
Brad:
Weekly, you need more than an hour a week.
Morgan:
Yeah, more than 45 minutes, it's crazy.
Brad:
Yeah, that is crazy. Those are our ideas on re-escalation.
Morgan:
If you're a therapist out there, sometimes people will ask, okay, can I do two sessions of 45 minutes, but truly what you need is one session that's a long session that's two or three hours and the reason for that or a retreat that we do, the retreats are even more effective. The reason for that is you just get started and then you cut it off, then you try to come back for another appointment on another day in the week and you're just doing the same thing again. It takes a while to get down to the roots and to really get comfortable in session.
Brad:
Yeah, and retreats are great Morgan because you can really get through the whole process and I've done that with several couples on retreats where you can really get through bonding events and they're doing great and fantastic. Where retreats are appropriate for a couple is when they're stuck in basically when they need a polygraph test.
Morgan:
And that's all they want is they just want a polygraph test.
Brad:
Well, it's not just that, there's still not more, you're still lying to me, no I'm not lying to you.
Morgan:
But I don't trust you, I don't believe you.
Brad:
Yeah, I don't believe you.
Morgan:
Just back and forth.
Brad:
They get caught in that part and it's hard to get anywhere with that because you're lying to me, no I'm not lying to you. That's their whole negative cycle and so it's hard to create that kind of emotional trust and safety when you don't feel like you've got the whole story yet. You may feel like your spouse is holding things but it's whenever we get entrenched in that cycle, that's when retreats are inappropriate.
Morgan:
And we can probably talk more about that at another time.
Brad:
We can talk about that yeah. Thank you for listening, thank you for making us the number one podcast in iTunes on affair recovery.
Morgan:
Thank you.
Brad:
Thank you very much and feel free to contact our office, visit our website, healingbrokentrust.com, and we look forward to meeting you there. Thank you.
Morgan:
Thank you for listening to this episode of Healing Broken Trust podcast, are you ready to take the next step? Go to healingbrokentrust.com and schedule your one on one coaching call today, that's healingbrokentrust.com.
