Why do they shut down when you’re falling apart? Why do they say the exact wrong thing when you need comfort the most?
In this episode, we step inside the aftermath of infidelity and unpack a question many betrayed partners silently ask: Why does the person who hurt me seem incapable of showing up now?
We explore the emotional paralysis that often overtakes the unfaithful partner — the freezing, defensiveness, and withdrawal that can feel like a second betrayal. You’ll hear what’s really happening beneath the surface: crushing shame, terror of losing everything, and guilt so overwhelming it shuts down connection instead of repairing it.
This conversation sheds light on why boundaries become confusing, why accountability feels inconsistent, and why your pain can feel unbearable for the person who caused it — even when they want to fix things. Most importantly, we discuss what actually helps move conversations forward, rebuild safety, and interrupt the painful cycles that keep couples stuck.
If you’re a betrayed spouse searching for clarity, validation, and a path toward healing — whether together or on your own — this episode offers insight you won’t want to miss.
Transcript
Morgan (00:05):
Welcome to Healing Broken Trust. I'm Morgan Robinson.
Brad (00:08):
And I'm Brad Robinson.
Morgan (00:09):
And in this video we're talking about why your partner freezes shuts down or says the wrong thing when you're falling apart. And we break down the hidden pain points many unfaithful partners carry after an affair. Not to excuse what happened, but to name what's going on inside. And the shame that says, I am bad. The fear of losing everything and the panic of not knowing how to respond when your spouse is devastated. So we also cover the feeling that nothing you do is ever enough and the heavy weight of guilt and moral injury and why many people withdraw or avoid because the conversations fear or they feel unbearable. So we have 11 different things to cover today. Brad, do you want to start talking about the first reason your spouse freezes or shuts down?
Brad (01:00):
Yeah, and this is a really common problem that I would say literally every couple faces, especially the person who's been betrayed, they're like, why do you freeze? Why do you withdraw? Why aren't you near me? Why aren't you trying to help me heal? And these aren't in any particular order, but the first reason that people freeze and shut down and really do the wrong thing is basically that they feel this crushing shame. They feel at their core, I'm a terrible person. Some people will feel this immediately after we've talked about before. The more intentional it is, the more somebody went another way to have an affair. This may come later. Sometimes the more in love somebody was with the affair partner, this may come later, they may not feel this immediately, maybe a few months before somebody feels this. And when you're on the receiving end of somebody who doesn't feel bad or remorseful for what they've done, it feels horrible. It also feels horrible when they're under the weight of crushing shame,
New Speaker (01:56):
Because
Brad (01:56):
When somebody feels shame, they don't necessarily feel guilty, which when we feel guilty, we feel like our actions are bad. We feel remorseful. We are more motivated to repair. But when somebody feels shame, they actually feel like I'm a bad person. I am wrong. I'm no good. And that makes it hard to look their partner in the eye, to look their spouse in the eye and say, you know what? I screwed up. Let's fix this. They feel like I'm doing you a favor by leaving you.
Morgan (02:24):
Oh yeah.
Brad (02:25):
And that doesn't always mean I'm leaving for the affair partner, but it makes people feel like, okay, I'm ready to forgive you, but you're the one walking away of the shame. What's going on here? It's really hurtful for people when their spouse has that kind of shame.
Morgan (02:40):
That's
Brad (02:41):
Right after they've been unfaithful. So when people have shame, they can act in ways that look cold or defensive. They can shut down, they can get angry, they can minimize, they can go numb, not because they don't care, but they feel this inner voice screaming to them like, you ruined everything. You're no good. You're an embarrassment. They feel all these terrible things, and shame for them is like drowning. And they have this instinct to escape. I just got to run away from what I've done. And you see this in other situations. This is a crazy statistic. I've read this in a few different places, but 70% of the time after parents divorce the biological dad, the father never sees his children again 70% of the time within after a year of a divorce. Wow. Yeah, I've read about that a couple of different places, different books. But I've also experienced that with clients. So that's also a version of shame, because when people feel shame, I'm not enough, they're better off without me. And people feel that same idea, same thing. Even
Morgan (03:44):
I'm not wanted, I'm not needed.
Brad (03:46):
Well, it's like I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. You would literally be better off without me. It's not that I'm not wanted or needed. It's like, yeah, I get that. You want me and need me. I'm just bad. I'm just toxic. I spoil everything. So it's a big difference. Slightly different. It's a way big different
Morgan (04:02):
Thing.
Brad (04:03):
But they have that shame, and that is why they withdraw. Shut down, do those kinds of things. Yeah. What's the next one, Morgan?
Morgan (04:09):
Yeah. So another reason that the betrayer your partner freezes, shuts down says the wrong thing is due to fear of losing everything. They're afraid of losing their marriage, their kids, their finances, their reputation. So even if the affair is over, the fear isn't over. So it's often not over. So many unfaithful partners live with a constant, well, what if in their chest right here in their heart? What if my spouse leaves? What if I lose my kids? What if everyone finds out? What if my whole life collapses? That fear can make them desperate. It causes that desperation, almost another sort of drowning sensation to control the outcomes. Grasping at it. Trying to rush the healing process is what that looks like. Pushing for quick forgiveness, reacting strongly to any sign of the betrayed partner that the betrayed partners pulling away, they may swing between begging or promising or bargaining and then going flat when it feels hopeless. So it's this grasping for reassurance, but it's that fear of losing everything. So yeah, that's a big hurt. That's a big pain.
Brad (05:26):
And I would say fear. If you were to think of a little bubble, you read those cartoons and the Sunday comics and have a little thought bubble. Fear is probably the biggest thing that they have. They're afraid that I'm not enough, I'm toxic. That's the shame is a fear. But then they have this other fear that I'm going to lose everything I have done. The unforgivable, you're going to leave me. How much is too much? How much of this will, if I don't do everything right, you're going to leave. So fear is really what controls them.
(06:00):
But the way they respond to the fear isn't the way that somebody who's been betrayed often expects, okay, you've cheated on me. You've broken my trust. I would expect you to do everything in your power to own up to this, and show me that you're grateful for a second chance or maybe a third chance that you're grateful for this new opportunity. I'm giving you this forgiveness I'm willing to begin to give you. But they respond with this fear about I'm going to lose everything, and I have to be in control. I have to control the circumstances that you described. And what that leads is, it leads to betrayed partners feeling more hurt, more rejected, more abandoned, because the person who had the affair is really afraid. Put it simply. They're just deeply
Morgan (06:48):
Afraid. The fear drives everything. And you can't really have love and fear coexisting pure love coexisting at the same time. It makes it very hard to be focused on someone else's needs and someone else's pain when you are kind of nursing this fear. And so that's why they're not going to really respond in that warm and caring way that you need or hope for.
Brad (07:08):
Yeah,
Morgan (07:09):
That's the third
Brad (07:10):
One. So the third reason they shut down avoid, withdraw and freeze is they don't really know how to respond to the portrayed partner's pain. They feel overwhelmed by what's happened. They feel like, I don't have the skills for this. Usually they're not somebody that has a lot of emotional, that's different than somebody who's social. That's different than somebody who's friendly or nice. People can be friendly and nice. That doesn't mean they actually understand what other people are feeling or their own emotions where they know how to be a good caregiver. Usually the average person who strays, they grew up in an environment where they were forced to deal with things independently from others. They didn't have parents who were there when they were little. They didn't have somebody there who nurtured them emotionally. They learned that they couldn't trust being vulnerable. As a result, they've gone through their whole life not being taken care of emotionally. So now when their spouse is in pain, they don't know how to do that. So the tool they do know is how to be compartmentalized and to live in day type compartments, how to not bring their work home with them and how to not talk about problems and that kind of thing. But that comes at a great cost. Now, they don't know. They expect that them compartmentalizing their spousal's emotions is enough. And what that does is it creates more injuries for the betrayed partner.
New Speaker (08:37):
And
Brad (08:38):
So they don't know how to respond to the betrayed partner's pain. And a lot of that is they really genuinely don't know what to do. When their partner cries or rages or ask questions or just spirals, they get overwhelmed by that. Should they freeze? They say the wrong thing. They get stuck in trying to fix it mode. They're really good with acts of service. They're not good with other types of vulnerability,
New Speaker (08:59):
Right?
Brad (09:00):
Acts of service, I would say, isn't really that vulnerable. They're not good at more vulnerable types of intimacy,
Morgan (09:05):
That emotional awareness, that closeness, that communicating how I'm feeling, that sort of thing.
(09:10):
It's interesting that you mention social situations because socially, sometimes that is kind of an outward act for me. I love public speaking. I can be in front of large crowds because it's not intimate. It's you're performing in a sense. But in the one-on-one, it can be more anxiety producing because maybe you don't know necessarily what to do with those feelings or those emotions. And so then all of a sudden, those feelings and emotions, they can't be compartmentalized. Your spouse can't do that dance with you anymore, that maybe you've set up in so many ways. And so now it's overwhelming and it's hard to know what to do. And so often people need that help.
Brad (09:53):
And when they can't fix it, they panic. They're good with extra service. Like, okay, I did and I cleared the dishes. I clean up the house. And that doesn't fix it. They get overwhelmed by it. And for somebody who's been betrayed, clean up the house and doing the dishes, helping with the laundry, making dinner for the family, that doesn't really provide the kind of reassurance that they're looking for.
Morgan (10:18):
Maybe it was when things were fine. That's a wonderful nice thing to do. We can accept. But then when you need a deeper, more intimate reassurance,
Brad (10:27):
Problems are much deeper. I wanted me, are you committed to us? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? They're on that level of problem now. Not like, Hey, the house is kind of getting dirty. Can you help?
Morgan (10:38):
Right? It feels like skirting the problem.
Brad (10:40):
And for people who've been unfaithful, they don't know how to always respond to the betrayed partner's pain. So it can feel like every conversation is a test that they're failing. A trade partner wants empathy, they want truth. They want that steadiness. Be consistent. But when the unfaithful partners overwhelmed by their shame or fear, and then even confusion, and that's the other thing, is they really don't trust the process. They struggle with trust what you're saying. Can I be authentic? Like you're saying, can I be honest? You're saying they don't trust that process. So there's a big gap there that makes 'em seem uncaring when inside they do feel regret. They do feel sorry about what happened typically, but they're afraid to show that. And then they're just overwhelmed. They don't know how to respond to the betrayed partner's pain,
Morgan (11:26):
Right? Yeah, absolutely. And the fourth one would be they feel like nothing that they do is enough or will never be enough. And so many of faithful unfaithful partners hit a point where they feel defeated. They're just deflated. And they might think, well, no matter what I do, I don't matter. It won't matter. Or I'll never be trusted again. So what can I do? And then they can interpret every trigger, every question, every bad day is proof that repair is impossible. It's just not going to happen. And so this can create a painful cycle. The betrayed partner, they want consistency, emotional presence, but the unfaithful partner starts to feel like failure every day that there's nothing that they can do. And so then their response is to withdraw, to avoid, to stop trying. And then that withdraw becomes new evidence to the betrayed partner that change just isn't real. It's not going to happen. And that's that negative cycle that happens after this discovery. And sometimes this can be years and years. It doesn't even have to be a week in or something like that. It's a dance that we get into after infidelity, no matter how far out you are.
(12:37):
But that's really, really tragic.
Brad (12:40):
Now, the fifth reason, Morgan, why they get stuck in withdrawing, avoiding shutting down is they feel this moral injury.
New Speaker (12:48):
So
Brad (12:48):
Guilt is often heavy. It's specific. I hurt the person I promise to protect. When people feel guilt, they feel motivated to repair it.
(12:57):
But when they feel things like moral injury, they feel like, okay, I violated my own values. They feel like I was supposed to protect you, but instead of protecting you, I was a source of pain. It's a little bit like shame, but it's a deeper level. It leads into self unforgiveness. It leads into, I am the worst thing ever. It's different than shame. Shame is kind of like this, but it's different. People with shame, fear that they're toxic, but with moral injury, they feel like I violated my own boundaries and my own rules, my own code of conduct, my own morals. And they begin to feel like I cannot forgive myself for it. So they beat themselves up with this every day. And as a result, it shows up as self-hatred, deep regret, constant need to punish themselves. Sometimes they replay what they did. They can even feel sick. You see this a lot with people who were first responders or people even served in the military. Sometimes they avoid thinking about it because it makes 'em feel unbearable. Either way, it becomes a permanent shadow that they live under.
(14:06):
It's this moral injury. And you'll hear about soldiers, first responders. People feel like I didn't do enough. There's a story I read recently of a woman who said something very similar to Oscar Schindler at the end of Schindler's List. She had saved over 2000 lives of infants and children to help them get adopted. They were Jewish children to get into gentile homes. And she felt like I didn't do enough on her deathbed. She still felt like I could do more Schindler. Whether that part of Schindler's List is true or not, I don't know. But at the end of the movie, he's like, you know what? I had this cold ring. I could have given that away. I had this cold watch. I could have saved somebody's life. And so that's a moral injury. Even when you do enough in those circumstances, you saved plenty of lives. But people will feel this regret, this bitterness over their actions because I saw I violated my own source of conduct. Maybe I witnessed somebody else do that. That's another form of moral injury. Or I could have prevented something I didn't. So they feel this moral injury that really is telling them, yeah, you're not enough. And it doesn't mean it's rational, but it's this emotional trauma. Somebody recently commented once and said, well, what kind of trauma does betrayed have or the unfaithful have? Usually it's something like moral
New Speaker (15:25):
Injury.
Brad (15:26):
They feel like this moral injury, I could have done more. I could have prevented this. And it doesn't always show up right away. It's not like the consequences of what you've done. It's not like, okay, D-Day happens and your children hate you, and your spouse finds out about the affair. It can show up later. And it's this feeling of, and it usually shows up quite a bit later. It doesn't always show up right away, but when it shows up, people feel this, I really don't like myself for what I did. They struggle to forgive themselves. And when they live with that, they don't feel like they're enough. They feel like, I'm not the solution. I can't be the answer. I can't be the healer. And people who are betrayed are like, no, you can be a healer. I need you to do that for me. I need you to show up.
Morgan (16:10):
And then they're having to learn how to do that. They need help to learn how to do that usually. And it's
Brad (16:15):
Great. And they also need help to know how to forgive themselves. That's something that one of our programs we created specifically for people who've had an affair, whether it's one or multiple affairs, one of the key things that we teach them how to do is to be able to forgive themselves so that they can be a healer.
Morgan (16:31):
Because
Brad (16:31):
That's a huge obstacle,
Morgan (16:32):
Right? Yeah, it's a deep wound for sure on both sides.
(16:38):
So the sixth one would be withdrawal and avoidance, because the conversations feel unbearable. So a common pain point is the urge to avoid, as we've talked about, to wanting to avoid, not always because we don't care, but because facing the betrayed partner's, pain feels like being hit with the worst version of yourself over and over and over. And so the betrayer will feel this dread coming home. They may feel fear. Every serious talk may be just very sickening and fear inducing. So avoidance can look like working more, scrolling more, sleeping more, drinking more shutting down emotionally, maybe depression, that sort of thing. It can also look like trying to be positive and move on and maybe move on too fast. You got to forgive me, that sort of thing. We got to work through this. You said that you're going to forgive me, but underneath, it's often this underlying voice that says, I can't handle the discomfort and I don't know how to stay present with it. It's new. I was never shown how to do this. This wasn't part of my life growing, and I certainly dunno how to do it now.
Brad (17:52):
And part of what they try to do is they're not trying to get away from all emotions. They're trying to get away from attachment emotions,
(18:00):
Which are the emotions that show up in a relationship. That's what happened to them as a child. Maybe it happened in another relationship, but they're getting away from things that cause them to feel smothered. And that's one of those fears. To go back to that idea of fear, if you want to understand them, they really have this fear of being smothered, losing their independence of being needed emotionally. They usually can kind of interact in a relationship in a way where they keep a little bit of distance, part of themselves back to get what they want, but they have this tremendous fear of being smothered.
Morgan (18:35):
And
Brad (18:35):
That shows up in what you're talking about.
Morgan (18:37):
Yeah. Yeah. Largely because it's uncomfortable. They don't know. They don't know what to do with it. It's, it's a foreign feeling, and there's not a language that they have for it. Of course, we've developed a language for it, but they don't have that language.
Brad (18:52):
They haven't developed it yet
Morgan (18:53):
For themselves.
Brad (18:55):
Now, the seventh reason that they avoid withdraw, shutdown, freeze when you're in pain is they struggle to own the harm without collapsing. They really are struggling to take that full responsibility, express remorse, otherwise they just collapse. So many unfaithful partners are struggling to take full responsibility without falling apart. They may either collapse into shame with statements and thoughts like, I'm just garbage. I'm trash, I'm toxic. They hear these negative things. Maybe I am a narcissist. Maybe I am a psychopath.
(19:29):
Or they struggle to defend themselves like, well, you weren't there for me either. They get accusatory, they get their back against the wall, they start pushing back. And when they do those things, those are both ways of escaping the weight of what happened without, they get into those traps. And when they do that, they're not really taking responsibility. So when they collapse in the shame, no ownership is taken. And then when they blame, obviously no ownership is taken there. And what happens is, is there's this pain point between of this tension, there's tension there between accountability and self-destruction. So self-destruction is going to be collapsing in the shame, but self-destruction also is defending themselves to the point of accusing. It's one thing to explain yourself, why did this happen? Or what were you thinking? And oh, here's my thoughts. It's another thing to do that in an extreme, which was like, well, you weren't ever there for me. I'm attacking you back. I'm blaming you for my actions. Those kinds of things. And as well, what helps people heal and what helps move the marriage forward, if that's what you're choosing to do, is really owning up with accountability,
(20:36):
Like enrolling in a program, getting specific help, going into therapy, growing and learning. So you can become a different version of yourself who isn't maybe hopefully tempted by the same things or has the same vulnerabilities at the very least. And when people who haven't really healed from this yet, they tend to feel like they're damaged. They struggle to own up to the damage that they caused. They feel like they're damaged goods or toxic. They also struggle to fully own up to the damage they caused. They have this fear that they're going to lose everything. And they feel like, you know what? If I do admit it, you're going to leave me. How much is too much? There's a lot of fear of that. So they don't take the ownership. And then they also have this internal pressure that I just got to get out of this. This is overwhelming. You need me too much. I've done too much damage. And it's really
Morgan (21:31):
Sad. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's that shame spiral and the moral injury on steroids. So number eight would be they struggle to manage boundaries and ongoing temptations, especially if contact with the affair partner is still possible. So even when someone wants to change, real life can make it complicated. Workplaces, social circles, apps, loneliness, stress. These can keep temptation close. So the unfaithful partner may feel embarrassed to admit that they still have weak spots, or they're terrified that admitting that struggle that they're struggling and that they're struggling will end the relationship is what they're worried about.
Brad (22:11):
That the struggle. Yeah, I'm not enough. If I'm not showing up, my failures are going to end our relationship.
Morgan (22:16):
That's right.
Brad (22:16):
When I want to save it.
Morgan (22:17):
Yeah, when I really do want to know how to show up, but I don't know how. So my struggle, these weak spots that I have, it's that hiding that they're still doing, right? Hiding, which is part of infidelity that keeps it alive. And when they do have those struggles, they're afraid that that'll end the relationship. And so they don't want to talk about that. But sometimes they also feel angry about the boundaries. So even if boundaries are necessary, which they are, we would say they may interpret limits as control or punishment because it highlights the consequences of what they did. And that emotional reaction can make it harder to fully accept the new reality, that there are going to be boundaries that need to be in place. We are going to need to make changes. If we don't make changes, then we just put ourselves at risk of this happening again. But then if they have tension within themselves where they're struggling with that idea, or they're struggling with the need to put these boundaries in place, they're also afraid to express that. Because if they do, maybe it'll push you away, but they need to be able to communicate that they are struggling without the fear of it pushing you away, that sort of thing.
Brad (23:34):
And for somebody who's had an affair, a lot of the people are very reasonable and understand, okay, I've done this to you. I see the pain you're in. I can understand that you need boundaries from me. Others feel like, you know what? It's just more control. It's just more like you controlling my life, you dictating my life. And when people have that attitude, whether who knows what was going on before in the marriage, but when people have that attitude of like, I'm not going to be accountable. I'm not going to let you put boundaries on me, it's going to be a much harder process to earn trust back. It's going to be harder for the betrayed partner to be willing to be vulnerable when it feels like you're not remorseful. You're not trying to manage boundaries in a healthy way. You're not trying to keep us safe, keep me safe, that kind of thing.
Morgan (24:19):
But if they can find a way to accept some boundaries, then they're going to have an easier time not feeling so smothered. Like you mentioned before,
New Speaker (24:31):
That
Morgan (24:31):
Fear can subside, right? If we can help the fear and help the feelings of being smothered or being controlled, then it will be easier for them to do what they really want to do, which is put those boundaries in place. They don't want to have the infidelity again. They don't want to go back to those things. Usually they know that there were problems and that they want to do better. And when that is the case, we've got to really help those fears.
Brad (24:56):
Yeah, that's a good point, Morgan. The ninth reason why they freeze shut down and get overwhelmed in the face of our pain if we've been betrayed, is they get overwhelmed with the amount of honesty needed after living a life of secrecy. So for many unfaithful partners, secrecy didn't start with the affair. It was a habit that they had long before the affair started. They would hide their emotions. They would hide needs. They would hide during conflict, not really state how they truly felt. They would even hide being vulnerable. Then the affair becomes the biggest secret of all. After discovery, the demand for openness can feel like learning and new language overnight. It's really hard to be open. They don't trust the process. That's what I was mentioning earlier. How much is too much? You like, yeah, I got caught in one affair, but I actually had a handful of affairs. How much of that, how much can you take? Yeah, can you take? Because what one has done is destroyed you. So honesty isn't just about facts though, being transparent and consistent and answering the questions, those kinds of things. It's not just those things. It's also the attitude we engage in when we are honest.
(26:02):
Am I doing it in a way that's loving and caring? That's really important. When they are honest though, it can feel terrifying because they're afraid the truth will cause more pain, more anger, or even the end of the relationship. And a lot of people who've been unfaithful actually fear abandonment. Even if they are tough and outwardly independent, they actually fear can't speak. I got a cough, drop my mouth. I can't talk. They fear abandonment. And so our marriage isn't going to make it because I don't want to be alone. I want to latch onto somebody else. I don't think we're going to make it. And then when the discovery happens and they realize like, oh my gosh, you do love me, and we can't it and we can't reconcile, then they'll leave that other relationship and reengage back in the marriage. It's the craziest thing. But they have this fear of abandonment, and they don't want to be alone
Morgan (26:53):
Because relationships in the past, either with parents or friends or anyone close to them has taught them that abandonment is very real and happens and happens to them, and it's taught to them. So it's another negative cycle that needs to be addressed in the relationship and in your life and in your personal health.
Brad (27:13):
And so Morgan, what happens is, at the core of this, of why they shut down on a void, withdraw, freeze in the face of our pain is that they have this instinctive need to protect themselves. But what they're doing to protect themselves with is creating more damage. They're abandoning you in their pain, and it's like, I need you here. I need you close. I need you to hold me tight, but you're actually withdrawing. You're creating more damage.
Morgan (27:38):
Absolutely. That kind of thing.
Brad (27:39):
And they don't often see it that way though. They see it as like, well, the kitchen was getting hot. There was a lot of conflict, like gosh, for whatever they were thinking. But usually they hate conflict. They have fear of abandonment. They do have that pattern of not being totally open and honest, and they're not assertive in their needs. They're not really, usually good caregivers can be great people in a sense, but they really struggle with emotions. They're good with task and serve it like acts of service, but anything emotional that requires that they get overwhelmed by.
Morgan (28:14):
And I feel really excited because I feel like people can really learn these things.
Brad (28:21):
Oh yeah, Morgan, that's a good point. That's why we created the program. We have helps couples, helps people who've had an affair, and it helps people who've been betrayed address these key areas so that we can help them move forward. So this isn't like, oh, we're describing the pattern that they have and who they are and what's going on with the current dynamics. All of that changes. This is none of this is set in stone. Absolutely. None of this is set in stone. So you can heal, work through this. A lot of it's just a matter of getting the right help. Usually the average couple that comes to us before they even most of you guys will watch or listen to us. Usually somebody will come to us after already going to
Morgan (29:00):
Lots of things,
Brad (29:00):
Lots of other therapists, like 3, 4, 5 therapists, and then they come to us early on. I would not wait to
Morgan (29:08):
Wait, but
Brad (29:09):
You avoid a lot of problems. Some of this we're describing how it recreates injuries and this and that, because people usually come to us after they try these other alternatives, things closer to home, and then they get stuck. And they're unfortunately worse off than they were before when they were supposed to be healing, but now they're worse off than they were. I thought if they had the whole story, I thought you were actually into the affair. I thought you were really trying. None of that was happening. They thought we were getting out of a negative cycle. None of that was actually happening. And then they get stuck and they're not moving forward.
Morgan (29:43):
Right. So there is hope for you.
Brad (29:45):
Absolutely. Yeah. There definitely is hope.
Morgan (29:46):
We
Brad (29:47):
Just don't need to struggle with that
Morgan (29:48):
When
Brad (29:48):
We get help early.
Morgan (29:50):
Absolutely. And there's two more here that we have, so I'll go with the next one. They struggle to face why they had the affair without turning it into an excuse. So I had this affair and I did it because of X, Y, and Z, but many unfaithful partners get stuck here. They either refuse to look at the why or they explain the why in a way that sounds like blame. So the betrayed partner, heres, it's your fault, essentially. So even if that's not what they meant, it lands that way. And so it's very, very important to make it not like that. But looking at the why can be painful. Facing the why it happened is a very difficult and painful thing to do. So it may uncover selfishness, entitlement, poor boundaries, conflict avoidance, unresolved wounds or addiction like patterns. So it can shake your self image basically at its very core. And I didn't think I was capable of doing this as kind of the thought pattern that people have. The identity crash is a real pain point. And it can feel scary to sit in that those things, those boundaries, things you know that you need to work on, but maybe you don't know, maybe you're just not able to look at it. And so that's where getting help is very, very helpful.
Brad (31:13):
Yeah. And then the last and final reason why they avoid shut down, withdraw, freeze in the face of our pain is they struggle with feeling the heat from the betrayed spouse's reactions. So we get into a negative cycle. We've talked about that already in our podcast, how somebody who's been, we get into a pursuer distance or dynamic.
Morgan (31:35):
That's right.
Brad (31:36):
We've talked about that. You can go look it up.
Morgan (31:38):
And actually, that's an important point to make. We have what I call the core 24. So as you're listening to our podcast or as you're listening to the videos that we put out there, often you'll see episode 87 or 88 or 89, but it's really important in the beginning of our work that we put out there for you. The first 24 episodes lays a very important foundation that walks you through the beginning. And really no matter what, whether it's been 20 years of trying to work through things or you just learned about it last week, it's these core 24 things that you really need to know in order to lay a foundation of true and good healing. So you can listen to episode 88, but you really need to go and get that core 24, the first 24 episodes that lays that foundation for real healing.
(32:25):
And you can do that on our website@healingbrokentrust.com slash podcast. And you'll see all of the resources for each of those episodes there. Very important to do. But yes, part of the core 24, we do talk about the negative cycle. It's very early on, and it lays that foundation of what it is, how it works, how to get out of it, all of the things that you need to know about the negative cycle. And then of course, as we go on in the episodes, you'll hear us say, oh, the negative cycle this. Oh, the negative cycle that, but if you don't know what that is or what it looks like, it's going to be a little bit harder. So definitely listen to those Core 24.
Brad (33:01):
Okay. Yeah, exactly.
Morgan (33:02):
Continue.
Brad (33:03):
So Morgan, after betrayal, a lot of unfaithful partners say the hardest part isn't just what they did. It's living inside the impact every day. And part of what they mean by that is that their betrayed spouse's reactions can feel intense and unpredictable. Obviously, people who've been betrayed can cry. They can get angry, they can ask lots of questions that just repeat. They have sudden shutdowns. They get suspicious, they have emotional swings. They can feel like they're going crazy. They can lash out. All of those things. Those reactions make sense. It's what it feels like when they feel like the unfaithful partner feels like they're walking into a storm that they can't control. I created this. Maybe I thought I could control it by keeping it secret and live a double life and that kind of thing, but now I'm dealing with the fallout of all of this.
(33:52):
So they're feeling that heat from the betrayed spouse's reactions. Over time though, the unfaithful partner can start to dread being around their spouse because they associate being around them with pain, conflict, and failure. So they have a fear of getting close. Same thing happens though with the partner who is betrayed. They also have a fear of getting close. Okay, you betrayed me. I love you still, but you betrayed me. I'm afraid of you as well. So they both can be afraid of each other or afraid of giving, afraid of being. Basically, they both have a fear of being vulnerable is what it is. And they may feel like the unfaithful partner may feel constantly like they're in trouble. They may feel like they're being judged in every moment. They may feel like one wrong word. It will set off another explosion. That pressure can create panic, defensiveness, numbness, or withdrawal. It's not because they don't care necessarily, but because the emotional heat feels unbearable and they don't know how to stay present in it. So these are people who don't have a lot of emotional, they're not really good at empathy. They don't know how to give those kinds of things. And so when they have somebody really angry with them, they shut down in it.
(35:04):
They may be people who operate at work and manage people, and they can deal with conflict at work. It's not attachment emotions, it's not core emotions from a relationship they're invested in. So when that happens, they get overwhelmed in it. They feel like they don't have the tools to handle it. So that's the final. There's other reasons if we wanted to make this longer.
Morgan (35:28):
Well, I think something that's important to also note and something that we've said in a past episode just recently, when you're associating your partner with pain, conflict and failure, and then on the flip side, you haven't yet changed your association with the affair partner from exciting, joyful escape thing, then it's going to be a lot harder to really get back into your marriage. So there's got to be this change in the way that you're viewing each other, and that's that negative cycle. It's that pain, conflict and failure has to be switched. You have to associate a affair partner with pain, conflict failure, not your spouse,
(36:10):
If that makes sense. We've talked about that. There's download that you can get on our website that talks about how to do that, how to associate your partner with your spouse with these positive things so that you can distance yourself from the affair partner. So that's a very important point that you made. It's really important. But we also, we're about at the end now, so I just want to mention that if you're tired and feeling stuck in the same painful loop and you would help to heal in a clear path forward, we'd love to support you. Our programs give you a step-by-step way. All of the tools that you need to rebuild safety, improve communication, heal from the betrayal, whether you're the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, or you're a couple together looking to heal broken trust after infidelity specifically, but really any broken trust or you're trying to stop your divorce, maybe your spouse has left you. You can find help at our website, healing broken trust.com. You can schedule a discovery call and talk with somebody about your situation here in our office. So healing trust.com.
Brad (37:25):
Yeah. Thank you guys. Thank you. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
