Brad:
You have to really sort this out. It's not fair to say all affairs are this way
Morgan:
And we're not diagnosing anyone as
Brad:
Well. No, we're not. But you need to have a well-rounded picture of this. It's not fair to completely take responsibility for it, the climate of the marriage, and it's not fair to blame somebody else for all that either
Morgan:
For the a hundred percent of it, right?
Brad:
Yeah.
Morgan:
You are listening to Healing Broken Trust podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson, where we talk about healing from affairs, infidelity, trust, and cheating in your relationship from the perspective of a professional marriage therapist and a fair recovery expert. If you're wanting to heal your relationship, this podcast is for you. We are officially on podcast episode number 20, and we're addressing challenging false beliefs by talking about the myths that are holding you back from recovering from the affair and keeping you from being able to heal and really reach that post-traumatic growth that you really deserve. And if you haven't yet, go to healing broken trust.com/episode 20. That's the number 20, healing broken trust.com/episode 20. Download those free resources that are the supplement to this episode. And let's get started. You are listening to Brad and Morgan Robinson and we're talking about how to recover from an affair. Now, Brad, remind our listeners what we're talking
Brad:
About. We are talking about destructive thought patterns that individuals have after they've been betrayed or after they've had an affair. The reason we're talking about these destructive thought patterns is because it can really hold up an individual or a couple's ability to recover, to heal from an affair. And so what we're doing and what we've done the last few shows is talking about identifying these negative thought patterns and providing replacement alternatives or antidotes to these types of thought patterns.
Morgan:
And
Brad:
That's what we're working on. This next one here is abusive labeling. With abusive labeling. Individuals give themselves a label or name as though a single word could describe a person completely. For example, to say I'm a loser means that I'm always and in every way a loser. Obviously this isn't fair or true. Children often internalized spoken or unspoken messages. For example, a child who is repeatedly molested comes to think of himself just as a sex object, a whore, even in adulthood. So the antidote to thinking about this abusive labeling is to rate behavior, experience but not people. So you want to think that was a really difficult experience for me instead of I'm bad.
Morgan:
And so the antidote is a replacement thought.
Brad:
And oftentimes that's what people do is they've been sexually abused. Sometimes they start to feel like, I'm bad. If people really got to know me, they wouldn't like me. And that's really destructive. And here's another example of thought distortions and rebuttals related to the trauma of infidelity. Notice that labels can be levied at other people as well, which is common in anger reactions to reduce another human being to an always and in every way label is just as inaccurate and unfair as doing it to yourself even if it feels justified. And so sometimes what we do when we've been betrayed is we label the other person as always and in every way a bad person or a cheater, and that's not true. And that can hinder our ability to recover. And so here's some core beliefs that people have when they adopt this abusive labeling mindset. One of these core beliefs is I'm damaged goods, I'm worthless.
Morgan:
And what they want to do is replace that thought with I was cheated on. I am more than this. So it's putting that label onto the event and not the person.
Brad:
Exactly. Another core belief is I'm a workaholic. I know why she cheated on me.
Morgan:
And a replacement thought for that is I was doing the best with what I knew at the time. I made some bad choices.
Brad:
Another core belief is I am bad for cheating on my partner.
Morgan:
And an antidote or a replacement thought would be I reached a low point of depression and didn't have anyone to talk to. So those are basically some replacement thoughts for the core beliefs that are directed towards the individual instead of the situation. And the next one is personalizing. This is seeing oneself as more responsible or involved with a given situation than he or she really is. The antidote to this is to see things accurately. So separate influences from causes, figure out how much responsibility is truly yours and keep what is beyond your control outside of your boundaries.
Brad:
Basically. When people personalize, when they take too much responsibility for a situation, what they oftentimes can believe, especially with an affair, is it's all my fault that I was cheated on. I must have asked for it because of the way I treated my spouse. I deserve this.
Morgan:
And the way to kind of combat that core belief is a replacement thought that goes kind of like this is a faulty way to try to make sense of an affair. No one deserves to be cheated on. Not treating your spouse as well as you should is not the same as asking to be cheated on the cause was the partner, not me. I'm not responsible for the affair, only my recovery. I'm responsible for my actions, which in part created the climate of our marriage, but my partner's responsible for their own actions as I am with mine and I didn't have an affair. So it's a new way to think about that core belief
Brad:
That's a good healthy, I believe, a replacement thought for that core belief. Morgan, another core belief is there must be something about me that invited the cheating or caused my wife to do it.
Morgan:
And the better way to think about the situation is perhaps I could learn to be a better listener and be more affectionate, but a lack of these skills does not justify being cheated on affairs happen for reasons outside of my influence.
Brad:
I think that's a good way of looking at it. Another core belief that people have when personalizing an affair is, why did this happen to me? Why was I singled
Morgan:
Out? And so the world is not for or against us, both bad and good things happen to people
Brad:
And like Jesus said, it rains on the good and the bad. It rains on the just and the unjust. So life kind of happens for everybody. Another core belief is in an argument, a boyfriend tells his girlfriend, you are either for me or against me.
Morgan:
And a replacement thought that combats that is partners will inevitably disagree about issues. That doesn't mean she's against me. Just my idea.
Brad:
Yeah, exactly. And sometimes people have a hard time differentiating that we can disagree with your ideas. That doesn't mean we're disagreeing and we don't love you or you. And that's really important. Another core belief that goes along with personalizing is if I worry enough about the affair, I can keep it from happening again.
Morgan:
And a replacement thought is this is trying to be responsible for too much. I accept that I cannot have total control. All I can have is responsibility for what I can control instead of worrying and staying aroused, I will make a good action plan. I'll do my best and then I'll release the worry.
Brad:
Yeah, that's good.
Morgan:
Let it go.
Brad:
Morgan. Another type of thought process that's very negative and very destructive that keeps couples from healing, whether as an individual or as the couple themselves is really blaming. And blaming is the opposite of personalizing.
Morgan:
Interesting.
Brad:
And this is really common, and you see this a lot on fair recovery websites where the people who've been betrayed completely don't own up to any sort of responsibility on what the climate of the marriage was like. There's therapists that condone that say, yeah, you had no responsibility for what the marriage was like. And so this person acted on their own and they have no reason to cheat. And if they say they were unhappy in the marriage, they're just saying that because they got caught in the marriage with an affair
Morgan:
And they just want to blame you. And that's not completely accurate at
Brad:
All. And so really it's personalizing it and then blaming, taking no responsibility for where their marriage was at. Sure you didn't put a gun to their head and say, betray me. But at the same time, the marriage may not have been in a good place. And so that's a really tricky area because sometimes the people are really unhappy in the marriage and they're burned out. They may not be looking for a way out, but they're unhappy with it. They're not feeling satisfied, certainly not emotionally close to their spouse. So there's vulnerabilities there that create this kind of opportunity that allow this kind of opportunity to happen.
Morgan:
And we're not saying that you are the reason that they cheated because they still made the decision for themselves, but the climate of the marriage could have been poor. And it opens the door to these.
Brad:
They were beat up by the negative cycle. And the other thing is there's times where people are really, I would say, in what appears to be a great marriage and affairs still happen and that individual may be a sex addict. That individual may be somebody who is a flander who just believes it's morally okay, this is just what guys do. This is just what girls do. Okay. So that's when this kind of stuff can happen. You have to really sort this out. It's not fair to say all affairs are this way
Morgan:
And we're not diagnosing anyone as
Brad:
Well. No, we're not. But you need to have a well-rounded picture of this. It's not fair to completely take responsibility for it, the climate of the marriage. And it's not fair to blame somebody else for all that either
Morgan:
For the a hundred percent of it, right?
Brad:
Yeah. And so I'm going to get back to this. So blaming is another type of thought distortion that people get into that either as the betrayer or as the one who's been betrayed really keeps them from moving forward. And betrayers can get in the blaming. I've seen that happen. And that's not a pretty picture because good luck trying to recover. You got somebody suffering from symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder and major pain, and then you're going to go around and start blaming them for why you had an affair. That's destructive. That's very destructive. And that happens. So blaming, that's the opposite of personalizing. And while personalizing individuals, they will place all the responsibility on themselves for their difficulties. Blaming puts it all on an outside person or factor.
Morgan:
So some examples, he treats me so miserably, he's ruined my life and my self-esteem. Another one, I'm stressed out today because talking to my parents makes me cringe. He doesn't know how much he has hurt me.
Brad:
Yeah. Now Morgan, the problem with blaming like catastrophizing, which we talked about earlier, is that it tends to make people think of themselves as helpless victims who are too feeble to cope. Blaming keeps us stuck in the past and we are powerless because the past is unchangeable,
Morgan:
Right? And the antidote to blaming is to acknowledge outside influences, but to take responsibility for your own welfare. I see how these things have influenced me and challenge me. Now I commit to get back on track and move on for present stressors. We might think nothing makes me do anything. Nothing makes me do anything, right? I choose how I respond.
Brad:
And Morgan, I'm glad you said that. I think that's a really powerful thought replacement or an antidote to the blaming is nothing makes me do anything. I choose my responses. Even when I get really angry when somebody says something hurtful, I still chose that response. And I think that's really important. Even when you stub your toe and curse words come out or if you burn yourself or there's other options that are there, you're choosing that kind of response. And I'm glad you said that. That's really powerful.
Morgan:
Thank you. The next one we were talking about here is unfavorable comparisons. In the case of unfavorable comparisons, a person magnifies another's strengths and their own weaknesses while minimizing the other's faults and their own strengths. So by comparison, he or she feels inadequate or inferior. For example, a betrayed husband may think his wife's affair partner is a talented person. He makes so much money. He was even on the news the other night, me, I'm just a carpenter, I could never make the money he does. Ever since my wife compared sex with me, I can't help but feel like he's a better lover. Sure, I have wonderful friends and I'm active in the homeless shelter. And it's true that her affair partner has a drinking problem, but his kids are really struggling. But I feel like my wife would rather be with him. So minimizing his own strengths and looking at the other guy's strengths.
Brad:
Morgan, that's a really very common one as well. And this is really important. A way to challenge this kind of distortion is to ask this question, why must I compare? Why can't I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses. So ask yourself that. Why must I compare? Why can't I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses. Another person's strengths are not necessarily better or just different. And someone humorously noted that doctors have more status than garbage collectors, but one wonders who does more for public health. So most of the time we function better and with less stress when we focus on doing our personal best and not drawing on comparisons.
Morgan:
And that is very difficult. I could imagine.
Brad:
Yeah, it
Morgan:
Is for a betrayed partner.
Brad:
And Morgan, another type of thought distortion that individuals and couples can have is really regrets. There is obviously going to be a period after an affair where you regret how you were in the marriage that created this climate, whether as the individual who's been betrayed or the betrayer, you're going to have going to regret that. But if you're there a year later,
Brad:
Two
Brad:
Years later, there's some significant issues there. And so with regrets, someone is looking back and they're thinking, if only I hadn't or if I would've tried harder beyond a period of introspection where mistakes are acknowledged and courses are corrected, regrets are unproductive because people can't go back and change the past,
Morgan:
Right? You can't.
Brad:
And let me say this though, I want to be a little balanced here. If you're the betrayer, you need to show you that you're regretful. There is a period of introspection. There is a period where you are owning up to hurtful actions. You're caring for the pain and you're deeply ashamed of this. Your spouse, your partner that you cheated on needs to see that to begin to heal and needs to know that you're really sorry about that. I'm not talking about that kind of regret. I'm talking about the kind of regret that keeps you thinking and feeling like I mentioned a moment ago, a year into this, two years into this, three years into this, five years into this where you're thinking, I am a horrible person.
Morgan:
And that keeps you from moving forward and helping your spouse to move forward and heal.
Brad:
Yeah, I'm talking about the kind of regret that keeps a person very depressed, that I have seen make people become suicidal. That's the kind of regret I'm talking about.
Brad:
That's
Brad:
Very unproductive regret. That is regret to an extreme. That is very unhealthy. Now, there is a type of regret that's very helpful in helping your partner heal, helping your spouse heal. So yeah,
Morgan:
And regrets are another way to reject our imperfections.
Brad:
We
Morgan:
Might beat ourselves up thinking, I deserve to be punished for that. What we actually deserve is the opportunity to try again, improve and learn from the mistakes we can think. I've learned from mistakes in the past, and I can do that again. That was then, and this is now.
Brad:
And that's a good way to look at it is I've learned from mistakes in the past, and I can do so again. I can learn from this. I learn from other things and even tell yourself, that was then. This is now. And that may not be very reassuring. If you've cheated on your spouse and you're telling them that is, look, I've learned from a mistakes that was then this is now. I'm not doing it anymore. Want to, your spouse is going to need, that's minimizing.
Morgan:
You don't want to dismiss their feelings. There needs to be some level of regret shown,
Brad:
But
Morgan:
Not a regret that keeps you introspective and forgets about your spouse.
Brad:
And really, Morgan, I'm trying to share this with individuals because I don't want them getting to that place of deep depression
Brad:
Because
Brad:
That can hinder emotional connection. And obviously I don't want 'em to be suicidal. And now you're going to have regret, and you may have that for a while and some of that can be healthy. But when you get into more of that extreme regret, you're beating yourself up and it's turning into self hatred.
Morgan:
And
Brad:
It's with you not just immediately after the affair is discovered, but it's with you much longer. It's really destructive. It's very unhealthy. And so Morgan, there's different ways of dealing with regret regarding difficult experiences from our past. And one of those is to really tell yourself. And mistake isn't usually a deliberate act. What did I want or intend to happen? What was I wanting or intending to happen here? Was I just wanting someone to talk to and it crossed boundaries? That kind of thing.
Morgan:
Was I just trying to be a friendly, nice person? And they mistook where an affair with a
Brad:
Coworker who misread how I was coming across a mistake isn't usually a deliberate act. What did I intend or want to happen if it was an honest mistake? You need to think to yourself, this could have happened to many people,
Morgan:
To anyone.
Brad:
And you also need to ask yourself, what did I learn that could prevent this from happening again? So you want to focus on remedial action. What did I learn that could prevent this from happening again, focus on being proactive as a way to repair. And another follow up thought is, how much was I actually responsible for that were factors beyond my control
Morgan:
Or were there, yeah,
Brad:
Yeah, were there factors beyond my control? And so that's important. What good things are result of this outcome? What is the possible silver lining here? And most marriages do rebuild after an affair. They do get stronger. And what's the possible silver lining here? So that's important to ask yourself that. And you also want to ask yourself, will there be more chances to learn better approaches, new skills, ways to grow?
Brad:
And
Brad:
That's something you need to ask yourself, Morgan, those thoughts, those comments they came from, they were developed by the founders of the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation. Those are some questions that they use to help people deal with this regret that they have after stressful situations. Honestly, it's really important to turn questions into statements when analyzing self-talk. So for example, asking, why can't I get over this that keeps injured spouses aroused and provides no resolution when change to the statement, I can't get over this. The fortune telling error becomes obvious. We can then change this to, I'll probably learn how to come to terms with this. And so if you just take it from a question to a statement, it's easier to challenge that sometimes when we just keep these questions in our mind and they're not really challenged, we keep carrying it around and it becomes very destructive. And Morgan, this next part I want to go over, we've covered several different types of thought distortions that individuals have. Now, these are common beliefs, core beliefs that individuals have after an affair. And I want to go over these and give our listeners thought replacements that they can take if they've been betrayed or if they've betrayed their spouse. And so the core belief that people have after an affair sometimes is, I am weak.
Morgan:
So they want to consider a replacement thought to that thought of I'm weak. Instead say I'm a combination of weaknesses and strengths. I'm strengthening the weaker areas. I'm doing my best.
Brad:
I like that. I like that because it's positive. It's focused on what you have control over. It's focused on remedial actions. It's proactive. I'm strengthening the weaker areas. Another core belief that people have that keeps 'em stuck in healing is my weaknesses and flaws will be exposed. How horrible is this?
Morgan:
Right? And a way to think about that differently. Everyone is fallible. Each person has flaws. To have them exposed makes me human. That's not awful. It's just life. Actually, some flaws are endearing.
Brad:
And another core belief that people can have that's very destructive is my worth equals my behavior during the time I found out and dealt with the affair. And what I mean by that is sometimes people equate to how stressful this time was in the affair, whether they're being dishonest about it or if they overreacted and got angry and felt humiliated. If they went over, they crossed some lines there. They begin to think, I really lost my cool. They begin to question their ability and their self-worth.
Morgan:
I must be angry all the time.
Brad:
Well, they begin to think I must be crazy.
Morgan:
Oh, yes,
Brad:
Yes. That kind of thing.
Morgan:
So a replacement thought to that, my worth as a unique individual is far too complex to reduce to isolated times in my life. Mistakes reflect our development at that time. A mistake does not totally in irrevocably define me as a person.
Brad:
That's true. Another thought distortion that people have that holds 'em up is, I am no good since the
Morgan:
Affair and a replacement, my life does not equal how someone treats me. Let that marinate with you for a little bit.
Brad:
Another core belief that people can have that's very destructive is if I am not respected by others and others do not respect me, I have no value. I cease to exist.
Morgan:
Oh, wow, that's strong. So you want to replace that with nobody's opinion determines my worth. Nobody's opinion determines my worth.
Brad:
Another core belief that people can have is to lose control is awful. After I find out about this affair and I get upset and I get angry and I'm emotional wreck and I'm crying all the time and I can't control my sadness and I can't sleep to lose control is awful, is what people think.
Morgan:
But loss of control is inevitable. Many things in life are beyond my control Sometimes all I can control is the way I look at the loss of control. Paradoxically, to accept loss of control helps me control my stress. I can endure loss of control. I can endure this. And to have emotion to feel, to cry, that's not a bad thing. That shows that you're human, right.
Brad:
Morgan, another core belief that people have that's really a distortion is I shouldn't need to work at recovery. I shouldn't need help. I should be able to cope like normal people. And that's what I believed after I got betrayed was I can handle this on my own. I should be strong enough to handle this on my own. I don't need to go talk to somebody about this. And it was very damaging.
Morgan:
Yeah, it is
Brad:
Put on a lot of weight after that.
Morgan:
Right? And the way to think about that that's more healthy is I really should be just as I am. No one is entirely okay to seek skilled help. It's okay to be human. It's okay to cry. It's okay to worry. It's very human and very normal, and we all do it. And if anybody says they don't, they're not telling you the truth.
Brad:
And Morgan, another core belief that people can have after they've been betrayed is if I don't worry, it will more than likely happen. So I got to be on guard and I have to keep us
Morgan:
At a distance.
Brad:
Yeah, I got to be vigilant about this and I got to keep us because the person who cheated on me sure isn't thinking about my feelings and my thoughts. So I got to be vigilant,
Morgan:
Vigilant,
Brad:
Vigilant, thank you. Because the person who cheated on me isn't thinking about me. And so if I'm not worrying about us, it's more likely going to happen again.
Morgan:
Right? Definitely being vigilant definitely keeps your spouse at arm's length, but you want to think, since most bad things don't happen, I'm just reinforcing this belief instead of worrying, I'll make a good plan, take responsible precautions like investing in myself and our relationship and remain cautious, but relaxed, and we're almost to the end of time.
Brad:
Yeah. Another core belief is if I obtain perfection, nothing fearful will happen. If I'm perfect, nothing bad will happen,
Morgan:
Right? And perfection is not possible. So replace that thought with perfection is not possible. Trying to attain it will just keep me frustrated and aroused. I can commit to doing a very good, steady job, but I'm not perfect. And that's okay.
Brad:
Another core belief that people have is bad things won't happen if I'm good enough and careful enough.
Morgan:
Aha. And the way to think of that is rainfalls, the good, the bad, and the InBetween. Some things happen randomly and are not indicative of God's disfavor. The best we can do is to be prepared.
Brad:
And then another core belief distortion is I must always prepare for the worst.
Morgan:
Certain precautionary measures might lessen the likelihood of some negative outcomes. Constant worry doesn't help. I'd rather take responsible or reasonable, intelligent, thorough precautions and then release the worries. We can only do what we can do. It's the best that we can do, and that's all we can really ask for.
Brad:
Exactly. Morgan, you're listening to Brad and Morgan Robinson and we're talking about how to recover from an affair. Thank you for listening. Have a great week. Thanks for listening to Healing Broken Trust. If you like this episode, you can always get our show notes and more details and links to the resources we discussed at healingbrokentrust.com. Also, as long as you're online, head on over to healing broken trust.com/retreat for details on an upcoming one-on-one retreat with me. If you like us, please subscribe and leave a review for us on iTunes. As always, everything discussed on this podcast is either my opinion or Morgan's opinion and is not to be taken as relationship advice because I'm not your therapist, nor have I considered your personal situation as your therapist. This podcast is for your entertainment and education only, and I really do hope you've enjoyed it. See you Until next time.
